Back when I had my old My Space blog I discussed some of these topics. A friend from high school, Erin, had commented and said that she and her brother had discussed the idea of contracting tape worms on purpose. This would allow her to eat what she pleased and yet lose weight at the same time. Once she reached her desired weight loss she would simply take a pill that would allow her to expel the tapeworm. A physician friend did warn however, that this method could result in death if during the tapeworm’s expulsion a part of the worm, most likely the head, has become burrowed or lodged in the intestinal wall or colon. The resulting infection would most likely cause your demise. However, people would surely be commenting on how skinny you looked at your funeral.
Along the same lines as Erin’s suggestion, was something I thought of in college. While on spring break, and extremely intoxicated in Cancun, I asked the bartender for a bottle of water. After being in the sun all day, drinking through breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I found myself feeling dehydrated- as in total dry mouth. The bartender indicated, in broken English, that no bottled water was available. I told him without water or some other kind of non-alcoholic liquid, I would surely perish. He generously scooped up a cup full of melted ice and water that the beer bottles were sitting in, and I, in my desperation for re-hydration, drank every last drop. Not twenty four hours later I felt the effects of that decision, and learned that I, as so many other classmates that week, had fallen victim to Montezuma’s revenge. We left Cancun that day and those who know me well can attest how sick I must have been to have used the public restroom in Cancun’s Airport nine times before departure to the USA. Once home, I dared not venture far from my bathroom. I decided to start the B.R.A.T. (Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, and Toast) diet in hopes of binding up. After about a week, and urgently needing to use the bathroom 30 minutes after eating a banana, I decided to consult my family physician. My doctor indicated that I could experience the extreme gastrointestinal upset for a couple weeks depending on the type of bacteria that I had been infected with, and if it was a parasite even longer. After hearing this and after eating a bland diet for a week and still suffering I decided to eat whatever I wanted. Why waste my time with a banana if I was going to continue with bowel upset anyway? So I ate, and ate, and ate…cheese burgers, cheese fries, Grotto’s pizza, cheese steaks, subs, ice cream…you name it, I ate it, but I looked fabulous doing it. I ended up losing 15 lbs from drinking one infected glass of water. After all was said and done 2 weeks of the cha-cha’s was worth losing 15lbs! So I was thinking someone should bottle the water up down in Mexico, ship it up here and sell it as a liquid diet drink. I’m living proof. It worked! I’ll just put a suggested plan for using the bottle water which I think I should market as Cha-Cha Aqua or Runs without Running Diet Drink. We’ll follow suit from Alli and suggest ways to deal with treatment effects like ‘don’t pass gas unless your in the bathroom.’ It’ll be a hit! Plus I can’t imagine Mexican water will be very expensive to import. I’ll be rich and thin!
I still am struggling with working out. I have not started yet, nor do I intend to anytime soon. I have no motivation. When I pondered about what kinds of things really light a fire under people I thought of fear. So what am I afraid of? Germs. Mostly germs. I’m also afraid of ghosts, bees, and sharks, but mostly germs. I was thinking I could have a infected H1N1 person chase me around, but they probably won’t feel well enough to run. Maybe I could find someone with MRSA to chase me around for a while. Maybe a few miles? I bet with MRSA behind me I could run 10 miles easy. My fight or flight, when it really comes down to it, is just flight. I may have to think this idea over a bit more. For now, I’m going to focus on my diet and s-l-o-w-l-y get back into a workout routine. Don’t need any accidents or injuries anyway…in fact, I had a near miss at home about a week ago. I tried on a pair of Corduroys, ran down the hall to check on my son Jake, and nearly started a fire…the sound the pants made as my legs rubbed together was something I hope to never hear again. I swear there were sparks.
So I continue to eat pretty well, but am still too lazy to work out, I think perhaps these alternative and possibly controversial forms of weight loss might be worth exploring. I welcome any other alternate suggestions-preferably those that require as little effort on my part as possible. Although I think I may start saving money to accompany Erin and her brother to a third world country where I can purposefully infect myself with a tape worm. Until then I’m planning on eating well, thinking about exercising and not wearing flammable clothing.