Many of you reached out to me after my last post, with a variety of comments and emails, after reading how Joey basically asked a stranger in the grocery store whether or not he was heavy due to over consumption of pizza. You all tried to wrap me with words of comfort, some assuring me I was not alone in the embarrassment that is afflicted upon us by our offspring, and others trying to be beacons of hope promising that things would get better. As a writer, I appreciate that you, the readers, connected to the post; as Joey’s mother, however, it doesn’t help a me a lick.
You have to understand a few things about how I want to raise my children. My husband and I have tried very hard to teach our children to not judge people on how they look. For example, when he and I discuss other people around our children, and I’m not (just) talking about gossip, we are very cautious not to make any sort of judgments based on the person’s appearance. We were both raised this way, and for a long time, and I mean really long time, I never knew anything about certain biases people carry like those based on a person’s race, ethnic background, religious beliefs, or sexual orientation. I was probably much older than most when these types of judgments were brought to my attention (and it was outside the home). I know that played a pivotal role in making me the person I am today, and in some small way, at least contributed to the notion I carry about “people” in general which is, if I am to dislike a person, they’ll give me plenty good reason to do so that usually has no connection to their skin color, country of origin, religious beliefs, or who they want to marry. You can be an asshole regardless. So good or bad, I am choosing to raise my children the same way that I was raised, and to let them develop opinions based on how people act and not solely on how they look. The biggest problem to date with this particular method of parenting, is that my children have NO idea what kinds of things may or may not offend people.
Case in point, we had a beautiful warm summer morning a month ago that actually allowed me to turn off the A/C and open the doors and windows. Although my neighborhood prohibits “solicitations” of any kind, we often have people knock on the door, just as we did this morning. Three men came to the door with information on their church that they wanted to share with me. Holding the baby, I opened the door to take a pamphlet from them, but then talked through the screen so the boys wouldn’t be on the loose in the front yard. As one young man went into his spiel, I politely nodded and tried to listen as Jake kept asking me questions; “Who are these people Mommy? What are you holding? Is that a ticket? Can I have the ticket?” Completely ignoring Jake, Joey starts chiming in, pushing his brother aside. “Mom, Mom, Mom…what are you holding? Can I see?” Still attempting to at least appear as though I was listening to the man talk, I handed Joey the pamphlet which had a picture of Jesus on the cross on the front. Jake and Joey begin talking, loudly, while the man is going on about the types of services and outreach his church does in the community. “What is THAT Joey?” Jake demands. “Oh,” replies Joey confidently, “That’s Jesus when he died. He REALLY died. He was killed by Romans and sea urchins (wtf?). They put a birds nest (crown of thorns) on his head, poked him and made him get killed on that cross.” Jake stares at Joey puzzled and disturbed, as Joey continues “Yeah, then God opened the gates of heaven, took off his birds nest and let him come in and live in the clouds.” The two silent men are now laughing, and the young man who has been doing the talking is continuing to do so while smiling widely. I try to use my old basketball skillz, and simultaneously continue to hold the baby, nod at the young man, and box out the boys from view. Jake, now behind me but still tremendously bothered by Joey’s explanation, exclaims “Well who are those guys?!” Joey just nonchalantly replies, “Oh, they’re just a couple of brown guys from church.”
Every fiber of my being want to just shut the door and go crawl under a bed (with or without a bottle of wine), but instead I quickly explained my “parenting methods,” on not defining anyone by physical characteristics and that Joey has an unfortunately limited number of adjectives in his four year old vocabulary. The oldest of the three men, sensing my complete humiliation, said that there was no reason to apologize and given my son’s tone, no insult was obviously intended. God bless the children, right? Ugh! As soon as the men left I had to sit the boys down and discuss why it was not polite to comment on someone’s skin color, their size, hair color, age, body parts, etc. The boys both smiled and nodded at me, but I knew then, as I know now, they still don’t get ‘it.’
That very week we ordered out for dinner, and like two retrievers, Joey and Jake waited at the window to greet the delivery man. “He’s here! He’s here!” Joey shouted directed at me, but actually out the window. “Dad! Dad! He’s here!” Joey continued to yell. My husband opens the door to pay for the food. The delivery man, not our “usual” high school kid, is still removing the bags from the car. Unbeknownst to me, he is a rather large man, clinically obese by medical standards, and is now struggling up the driveway. Joey is now beside himself with excitement at the fact that the pizza is just about here and says, “Mom! Mom! The pizza man is a big fat pizza man and he brought me my food!” I cannot be sure if the man, who with any hope suffered from hearing loss, actually heard him, but I’m certain given the decibels at which Joey was yelling and the proximity of the pizza man, he had to have heard my son. Although his tone, yet again, gave no indication of malice, I was still mortified. We sat joey down and told him that he probably hurt the pizza man’s feelings. We said that the pizza man might cry because of what Joey said. Joey himself then began to cry. He truly didn’t understand why we were so upset. He was just trying to tell me about the guy bringing the pizza (who he deems an automatic “friend”). We then tried to explain what kinds of things you can say to someone instead such as “that’s a nice shirt you have on.” Or perhaps let’s stay away from appearance altogether and say “thank you for bringing me pizza; it’s my favorite!” Joey then suggested his own comment, “I could tell him he’s handsome.” Uh, no. That’s not politically incorrect, that’s just awkward. Joey ate his pizza as I made a mental note to order from another restaurant next time.
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lol, lol!!! i wondered if mine were the only two little “retrievers,” so I must admit that I am somewhat relieved that yours act the same way (you know, like they’ve had no human contact other than each other and me EVER, or like I haven’t fed them for weeks, hence the peering from the window & waiting for the pizza delivery guy). love, love, LOVE IT!! thanks for the laugh
Thanks, Rebecca! I’m ALWAYS happy to hear that my kids are not the only ones behaving a certain way…I mean, in reality of course i know some where, some kid is drooling out the window as a pizza delivery man pulls up, but it’s nice to connect with other moms in the same boat!
Thanks for reading, and good luck with your little ones
My mom likes to tell the story of when I was about 4, while shopping at a Kmart in a predominently African American part of town, asking her, at typical 4-year-old volume, “Why is her face so BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK?”
And, hey, at least Joey knew who Jesus was!! You get major good parent points in my book for that
Tiffany, God bless the children, eh? lol…my Mom always recants stories of me “saying the darndest things” …maybe it’s that “mothers curse” and my kids are three times as bad as I was…
And do we count that Joey knows who Jesus was if he says he was killed by a tag team of sea urchins and Romans??
I feel your pain! Children are very innocent when young unless unlike your family or mine they are raised in a “hateful” environment. My daughter has embarrassed me several times in the past. “Why does that man have a towel on his head”, “Is that man pregnant too Mommy?”, “I don’t want to have babies Mommy because I’ll have a flapper like you!” (she so lovingly calls my left over twin baby belly that hangs over the flapper.) I take her aside and tell her that it’s not nice to say those things because it hurts people’s feelings. She responds that it was the truth. She has no idea that she has said anything wrong, and therefore doesn’t feel badly about it.
You are not alone.
My mother raised us to be tolerant of every race, religion, and sexual preference. She has stories about me too. She said that once while at the grocery store a tall African American man was behind us in line and I screamed “Dr J, Dr J!” Apparently he was a very famous basketball player. lol My family was out to eat one night when my baby brother was very little. Our waiter was an African American and I guess that my brother had just noticed the difference. His jaw dropped and he stared at this man hard while he was taking our order. When the man got to my brother he laughed and talked for him saying “Well I’ll be damned a chocolate man!” No one knew what to do, but it was nice to know that this man didn’t take offense to my brothers obvious interest in the color of his skin.
Most people know that most children are innocent and only commenting on the obvious. It’s hard not to expect them to understand politeness, but remember that they live in the moment.
I almost want to say that misery loves company, but that’s not it…I do take a sort of solace in the fact that there are others in the same boat as me…and I certainly wouldn’t wish this kind of embarrassment on any other Mothers, I take comfort knowing I’m not alone!
Thanks for the comment, and sharing your story too…I loved Dr. J by the way…I was a huge basketball fan for a long, long time!
I just found your blog. There is only one other blog (besides mine of course) that has made me laugh outloud…at work none the less. Love it! You are a funny, funny lady. You have little boys too and you are still alive. You have given me hope. Thank you.
Allison,
Thanks for the compliments, and I’m glad I could make you laugh even if you were at work : p
As far as being the mother of two boys, I’d love to tell you it gets better, but mine are getting “worse.” They’ve realized now that they are 5 and nearly 3, that if they work together it can be to their benefit…they have several strategies they have deployed- divide and conquer is their favorite at the moment. Good luck.
I can’t wait to check out your blog too…although others seem to find humor in my writing, I am usually in need of a laugh myself!!
Thanks for reading!
It sounds like you are raising them so well! Yes, I feel your pain. Children that young are just observant, frank and honest! What great stories, I am sorry you were so mortified but I find them funny (since I feel now like I am not the only mother going through this)
Annie,
It’s okay to laugh. Some days it feels like I’m living more of a “Divine Comedy” but I take comfort in knowing that at least someone, somewhere is laughing. What you all don’t know is I actually sit at my computer at night, after the kids are asleep, and sob and blog at the same time. *Sigh* Just jokes.
So glad you can relate though…the more the merrier in this group of Moms!
Thanks for reading!!
I haven’t even met your kids and I think I love them!
Oh, but I do see your point. I give much credit to all those busting their butt to raise their kids the right way. God bless the children – more importantly, God bless the parents raising those children.
Loving the blog. Keep it up!
Nivea,
Thanks for the blessing…God knows I need it! All that I can get too!!
Thanks for all the support and reading!!
Susan
Here’s an applaud for your parenting skills.
When i was a kid, I didn’t know the difference between a white person and a black person. It just never came up. I didn’t even notice the difference in skin color… even after an “unfortunate incident” when I colored Santa Claus’ face with the wrong color. Even after it was explained to me I didn’t see why peach was more appropriate than brown… I think I was fully twelve or eleven before I realized that our next-door neighbor was white… I always thought that was just poor attention to detail on my part but in retrospect, my parents probably had a good deal to do with that.
Classic NYer,
Thanks for sharing your childhood story : ) These all make me feel better about my kids…and outside of the moment I understand they don’t mean any harm, but when it’s happening I’m ready to crawl under a rock!
thanks for reading : )
Susan
We are potty training my very verbal 2-year-old. We’re trying to be frank with her about bodily functions (hers and ours), so that she will be comfortable with her body. However, she has not yet fully absorbed the lessons of privacy. Therefore, she announced after using her little potty: “Made a big black poop. Like Mommy.”
Tara, I laugh because I understand! The “potty” talk is going on in our house as well. jake, who will be three in a few weeks, is still “learning.” it’s a funny process, but I’d rather have a kid that goes on the potty and tells people about my bodily functions than one who goes in diapers! : )
Thanks for sharing and good luck with the potty training
Hysterical. I think many family’s have stories like that — your kids will be hearing them recounted for years to come. My parents’ favorite “awkward toddler” moment from my youth was when I inspected a new day care teacher and loudly asked my mother — “Who the black one is?” Fortunately, she was not offended and even found my bizarre syntax cute.
Kate,
LOL..well, I’m sure that we’ll have many more stories to come, and hopefully they will all be as forgiving as your daycare worker!
Thanks for reading/sharing
I am white, my husband is black. Our son calls himself light brown.
One day, at my husband’s grandparents home, his cousin brings home their new baby from the hospital. The conversation eventually turns to my then three year old son who is thrilled with this new little baby he’s admiring. One of the aunts asks my son, “don’t you think your family needs a baby?” My son thinks for a minute and then turns to me and says to the room “yes, I think I’d like one, but I think I want a white one. Right mom?”
Can the floor please open up and swallow me whole, please? Please??
My Mom feels your pain, Aimee! I am a mix of Italian, Polish, and Irish…one night while at my 100% Polish grandmother’s house when i was 3, I exclaimed during sinner that my mother’s (who is not polish) Italian Uncle Mike “likes to call me a little Pollack.” My grandmother, who never “appreciated” Polish jokes, was not amused by my comment. my mother, not knowing what else to do, said “what else does (italian) uncle Mike call you?” and i said “he calls me a little guinea wap too.” She felt like at least she was evening the score. She later scolded my great uncle…she was looking for the floor to open too
thanks for sharing, reading and commenting!
@Aimee-That’s funny
I’m white, and my husband is black also. Our youngest son is the lighter-skinned child, and my oldest son (who was around 4 or 5 at the time) told a lady in the grocery store (after she’d complimented him on how cuuute he was 
“thank you. my daddy’s black, so i’m brown. and my baby brother is white, like my mommy.” lol
he liked the reaction he got from her so much, that this became his normal reply to a compliment from a stranger
Funny!!
Kids really do say the darndest things!
Especially mine!! Why me?!
Oh sweet baby Jesus! I gasped twice reading this but don’t worry I laughed more! “Sea urchins” = friggin’ hilarious! You’re doing a great job..I mean look how much he knew about Jesus (minus the sea urchins of course)! They will get it eventually, don’t worry…we did, right?
)
Uh, when do you think “eventually” is??? I hope it’s soon…and I can laugh now, it’s that “in the moment” that I just wanna die!!
I just stumbled upon your website and LOVE it!! I “liked” you on facebook too!! I am a stay at home mom of two little ones and the things they say are priceless!! My daughter who is now 5 1/2 but was about 3 or 4 @ the time we had her at the grocery store in one of those car carts and my husband saw a “little person” coming down our aisle so he told me he was going to taker her out before she said anything I told him not to worry about it b/c she probably wouldn’t even notice…well needless to say he passes our cart and she sticks her head out the window of the car and says “hey daddy did you see that guy” ….well I don’t know if he heard but talk about wanting the floor to swallow you up!! It is nice to know we are all at times in the same boat
I’m so glad you found me and that you are enjoying the blog so far…and I’m glad you liked me on Facebook too, we do fun stuff over there
I feel like it’s always MY kids that are doing these things, and if nothing else, this website has helped make me feel more “normal.” I just wish if my kids were going to keep on saying the stuff they say that they would at least learn to whisper!!
Thanks for the compliments and I hope you come back and read again!!
I can still recall the time that we had an appliance repair man come to the house and he happened to be bald (ing). My daughter who was about 4 at the time says ” that man has no hair. Why?” Luckily he was on his way out and either didn’t hear her or just kept on going. She had never seen a bald person before.
LOL…So glad to know it’s not just my kids who have NO filter! And hopefully that they grow out of it!
I LOVE this post and your blog. I am a single mom of 2 girls — recently completed my second adoption from Moldova.
Raised as a Southern Belle around many prejudices and judgements, I really do worry about this with my girls.
Not sure if you are aware of this book, Why Does That Man Have Such a Big Nose by Quinsey (on amazon). It addresses various issues of weight, race, handicap, etc. It doesn’t cover them all but presents stories/situations you can use to educate your kids.
Can’t wait to read more of your writings.
Kelly,
WOW! Congrats on the recent second adoption, and all as a single Mom too! I’ll have to add that book to my wish list (I swear I can’t read more than a newspaper article these days), sounds like it could help me out a lot….God knows I need all the help I can get! Thanks for the suggestion and comment, and I hope you’ll visit again!
Susan
We are enjoying your blog
We linked back to your on our blog
Will be back often and invite others
*you.
Right back at ya! Your page is great by the way!
Thanks, Jackie! So glad you liked my page so far…It’s on my list of things to do to get my blog roll up…I’ll add you soon!
Your page is great!
Susan
[...] This other mother was laughing quietly while the receptionist was hysterical. I then explained that a year ago Joey would not use any public restroom and now everywhere we go that there is a bathroom, he needs to go and at least pee. Public bathrooms are a big deal now for some reason. I also added that I can no longer take him in public without this kind of random embarrassing banter. This kid’s sole purpose in life seems to be to embarrass me…or at the very least it’s a hobby of his. I suppose that Joey talking about his own pooping escapades is better than him talking about stranger’s weight, handicaps, or skin color. [...]
The book Nurture Shock has a section in it about how when parents try to teach their kids not to “see” race or other differences among people, it tends to backfire. I’d dig it out and refresh my memory of the actual data and info discussed, but all my books are still packed in boxes from the move in November so by the time I find it, I won’t remember why I was looking for it. lol In any event, it’s a great read and might be helpful.
I’ll tell you what, i might have to read that one…my kids mean no harm, and it’s obvious even to the people they could be insulting, but holy hell, it sure is embarrassing for me!
[...] Are you a merchant with a fabulous product that matches these categories? Did I miss something? Want to be a part of the Spring Fling? Email me with questions or details at DomesticConsultants@gmail. Subscription Options: Sponsors January- National Poverty Awareness. Struggling to hang on. Making hard choices between hunger, housing and health care for their families. It’s time to end poverty in America once and for all. The Catholic Campaign for Human Development (CCHD) invests in community-based solutions that know no racial or religious boundaries. Popular PostsThe things they think, and I wish they would not say… [...]
I recently found your blog on the Circle of Moms list. I love it. I also applaud your efforts to raise your children without superficial biases. I was fortunate enough to have been raised that way also and am doing my best to do the same for my child. You are so very lucky your husband is on your side. I face my biggest challenges in that my husband was not raised the same way and I am constantly reminding him his words are judgmental and inappropriate.
So glad you found me on Circle of Moms! There are some really great other sites listed there too…I think I have 24 other favorites!
I feel for you though, becuase even with two of us trying to raise our kids this way, it’s STILL tough….
Thanks for your comment!!!
This is only slightly on topic but the other day my toddler who is obsessed with anything round (always balls this and balloons that) saw moth balls at the store and asked if they were toys. I informed them they were not and since they were lumped in with cedar wood sachets and other closet freshening items I told him they were just a bunch of smelly stuffs. To my utter embarrassment he then asked very loudly and enthusiastically “Oh mommy do we want some smelly balls!!!”. I’m sure I blushed and I couldn’t help but start laughing myself.
You have to love the innocence.
LOL!!! It’s the innocence that makes it bearable! I think there’s a reason they’re so cute when they’re little!
Oh. My. Word. I just laughed so hard i cried!!! Aaah. Misery does love company, because I totally related to this!
At least your sweet little boys stayed behind the screen door and spoke of Jesus… sea urchins and birds nests and everything. It was endearing.
When my hubby was out fishing and I was *hugely* pregnant (and equally miserable), i was in our living room with son #1, who was 4 at the time. The events of the day and my physical condition had me feeling like I was on the brink of a hormonally-inspired cry fest… When suddenly I heard a knock on the door. I not-so-quitely began grumbling about having to get up and answer the door, and complained about the rudeness of people who just stop by without calling first. I opened the door to find several genlemen in suits wanting to talk to me about their religeous beliefs. I was trying to seem moderately pleasant while waiting for a chance to break into their monologue to let them know that it wasn’t really a good time. Before I had a chance to get a word in edgewise, my son comes running down the hallway in *only* his underoos, the kitchen broom in his hand. Being the quick and agile creature he is, he pushed right past me, and burst throug the door, in between me and the unsuspecting church-folk. He then began shaking the broom at them and yelling “Shoo! Shoo! Shoooo!!!” Omg. There’s really nothing cute or endearing about that. Although I was able to laugh about it in hindsight.
Oh, this brings back soooo many memories!!! My ‘babies’ are all in the either pre-teen or full out rotten teen years now… but I remember clearly how their sweet innocence didn’t always sound so sweet!!! The one that still kills me… our only girl… she was the little blond princess, golden curls everywhere, and she sure acted the part! Well, we were sitting on our front porch one afternoon, the family together, and my sweet little Kayla, in her sweet little four year old southern accent says, ‘Mama, so-and-so (sry forgot name of child) said my teacher is a bitch’, with the word bitch coming out in that long southern drawl! Her father and I looked at each other and her, not sure whether to be horrified or laugh, but we couldn’t help it and just busted out laughing! Either way, she KNEW she said something she wasn’t supposed to, just by the looks on our faces, but we had to have that little ‘talk’ again! lol
When my daughter was 18 months old, it took me the longest time to get “Oh shit!” out of her vocabulary. While it was quite entertaining to immediate family and friends and a handful strangers in public places like the grocery store, I was happy when I, I mean “she”, finally stopped saying it altogether. Now I have a 9 month old and I’m gearing up for curbing my vocabulary all over again. Though I wonder if it’s possible with a 4 yr old in the house?
It might be possible, but I haven’t mastered it (mine are now 6,4 and 2 almost)….It’s Goddamn impossible.
I just found your blog and I’ve been going through all your old posts – fantastic!
When my uncle was a kid (he’s in his 60s now), he had just moved to southern Ontario from way up in northern Canada and he’d never seen black people before. His first thought was “ooh… chocolate!” and the couple he was talking too just thought he was super cute.
My sister has two little nieces that she occasionally watches. The youngest one who was 6 at the time came up to her and asked her “did you know that some men don’t have any hair on their heads?” My sister replied that you call those people ‘bald’ and that her step-dad was one. Then the little girl’s eyes get really big and she says in a voice of awe “you know a bald? a REAL LIVE BALD!”
Love the blog! I’ve got two of my own (3 and 5) and sometimes your blog is like reading about my own real life, lol. Greetings from Canada!
Hi! I just found your blog and am reading some of the older posts, I just love it! Especially as my three yr old son piped up with a comment like this in the ATT cell phone repair shop just a few weeks ago. As we were waiting there was a very nice lady waiting for her phone to get fixed as well, after we had settled in, he comments, LOUDLY “Mommy, That Lady is Brown! I’m light brown, Daddy is Brown, and You are White, but she is REALLY Brown!” (My hubs is Indian, and I am of Irish/scottish/welsh descent – read glow in the dark pale – lol) Soooo, anyway, she was very gracious, but obviously thought I was some special breed of idiot when I tried to explain that he had just moved beyond the basic, red, blue, yellow, green, orange purple into different shades and was now noticing and commenting on all variations of all colors….SMH Oh Well!
OH, and actually, usually when talking about Mommy he says I am “Pink” Gee, thanks son!
Shortly after my middle child had been potty trained we were at a department store shopping when the urge hit her to potty and believe you me… the entire store was made aware of the immediate need! Exausted and somewhat embarrassed at all the commotion my little one was making… I hurried her in the restroom only to have to wait on a potty to come available. I then gave her the quick run down of public potty rules… DO NOT touch anything, do not sit on the potty, wash your hands, bla bla bla. We were in and out… No harm… No foul or so I thought! I got an urgent call from her expensive private preschool the following day to come at once… I arrived thinking my child had hurt herself only to be given eatshit looks from everyone in the building and told that the director was waiting on me! The director proceeded to tell me how angry and disappointed she was in me! Teaching my children to be prejudges was morally wrong! I was clueless… and then… then I was just mortified! My little darling told the teachers she had to potty… They attempted to take her but she insisted she must stand to potty… when they refused to let her; she started yelling… NOOOO… I can’t use these potties! Black people use these potties and MY MOMMY said I can’t use the potty after black people unless I stand and don’t touch the potty or anything else because they have cooties and germs! I proceeded to tell the “black” director that this was absurd… I would never tell my child any such thing! So they bring my angel in to the office and she says Mommy aren’t you proud of me? I was a good girl… I didn’t potty where the BLACK PEOPLE did! I said to her… Where in the world did you hear such a thing? She said… From you mommy, when the little black gril came out of the potty at the store you said…. Omg, DONT TOUCH anything, Don’t sit on the potty, etc. Lesson learned explain EVERYTHING to a little one you are trying to teach things to! I didn’t even notice who came out of that stall that day! I never did convince the narrow minded director otherwise and ended up having to change preschools for fear of retaliation on my little devil! So I feel you pain! Loveeee your site!
This story is too stinkin funny!
Oh dear, children can be so innocently truthful at the most inappropriate moments. I have been publicly embarrassed many times by my now seven year old daughter. The one time that really sticks in my mind though happened in the supermarket when my daughter was three. Her favourite film back then was Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (you can probably guess where this is going). She was sitting in the trolley when she excitedly pointed at a lady with dwarfism walking past, then launched into a very loud rendition of “Oompa Loompa doompadeedoo…”. Well I felt myself turn bright red and was too embarrassed to even look the woman in the eye nevermind attempt an apology. I finished off my shopping very quickly that day just to get out of there, but little Amelia was baffled by the fact that I didn’t join in the song with her like I always did at home.