I love my white linen capri pants. They are light and comfy, shabby and chic. They are probably the next best thing to keep cool in the hot summer months other than wearing shorts. Have I mentioned I hate shorts? My chubby Mom legs are pale, and I find it awkward to constantly walk around picking and pulling the bunched fabric down from where my thighs caused them to ride up into a virtual “front wedgie.” Anyway, my hatred of shorts made me love these white linen pants even more…until the other day.
Hottest summer on record. Fan-flipping-tastic. My kids may actually make me clinically insane soon if I can’t get them outside for more than an hour a day. I almost wish we had rainy weather because they seem to understand the correlation between rain and being stuck inside. When the sun is shining, my kids could give a shit about the heat index. So we do our best to get out each day, no matter the temperature, and find ways to keep from melting or suffering from heat stroke while we’re outside.
We have the Step 2 Naturally Playful Water and Sand Activity table which we fill totally with water. It’s hours of fun, and it comes with an umbrella to help keep the kids out of the sun. When that fails we’ve got a small baby pool, sprinkler, and I’ll even squirt the kids with the hose to keep them from overheating in the 90+ temperatures we’ve seen all summer. Another trick is to take the kids out first thing in the morning or just after dinner when it’s not so unbearable.
This day was particularly hot with a heat index of 104, and I kept the kids inside all morning and afternoon. They had been feasting all day on leftover birthday party food from the day before, and by dinner were climbing the walls. As soon as they finished eating, I practically threw them out the back door. Still on a sugar high, not much was keeping their attention. So as they ran around from one thing to the next, I would chase them or give them a squirt with the hose. I also gave my garden some attention and much needed water. As I was watering the garden, I noticed about a dozen ripe tomatoes that needed picking, so I turned my back for just a moment which was just enough time for them to launch their attack.
In true ninja fashion Joey crept up behind me and then, without any apparent hesitation, opened fire. Bent over in the garden, I was suddenly hit with a torrent of cold water with my ass, stuck up in the air, taking the initial sprays of water from the hose that I so carelessly left lying on the ground, practically begging for one of the boys to assume command of it. I let out a yelp of surprise and fell into one of my tomato plants. Joey, guns blazing, doesn’t let up for a second and continues to soak my backside with the hose.
As I lift myself from the dirt, I am immediately drawn to the brown smudges of soil on my white pants. “Oh, great!” I exclaimed as I turned to face my attacker. Joey at this point is losing his grips on the hose as Jake fights to take his turn at soaking his poor, unsuspecting mother who just wanted to give her children some outside fun time. As I sprint towards the hose, I slip and fall, adding green stains to the front of my white pants.
Jake now controls the hose, and this seemly sweet toddler shows to mercy. I struggle to stand, my flip flops squishing and squashing beneath my feet, are of no help in regaining control. Finally, after what feels like forever under the constant cold cascade of hose water, I bring myself to stand. It’s at this moment, still being assaulted with water, that I can feel my WHITE linen pants sticking to my skin. It’s almost simultaneously then that I realize my underwear, a pair of white Body by Victoria underwear meant to be unnoticeable under your pants, are also soaking wet.
Suddenly, I change direction mid stride, and head for my back door. As I sprint up the yard, white linen fabric clinging to my skin, I am overwhelmed by a feeling of being naked. My husband, who is now holding the baby, manages a “construction worker style” whistle between laughs as I leap towards the stairs to the deck. Joey, also hysterical at this point, yells “I see Mommy’s naked butt!” as I practically run through the sliding glass door.
Perhaps worst of all, the commotion attracted the attention of neighbors who had friends over for a BBQ. No less than a dozen people saw my virtually naked ass running through the yard. So if I become cloistered, and never leave the house again, at least you’ll all know why…