2010 August »

Dear Out of State Drivers,

My name is Susan and I am a busy stay at home Mom of three. I get very few opportunities to leave the house alone, so when I do get the chance to venture out solo, I would prefer to not spend 2/3 of it cursing at you. I also fear your horrendous driving could also possibly cause me to not arrive to my destination at all.

We are a small state, second smallest in the nation in fact, but we do still have busy roads. In fact, the Delaware section of Interstate 95 is one of the busiest stretches of that road along the East Coast. Many will pass through our “Small Wonder” on the Interstate we share on their way to Philadelphia, New York, Baltimore or Washington DC. We may share the actual road, but apparently, we do not share the same rules of the road as other states.

In my 40 mile journey to get my haircut (Blake at Currie Hair, Skin, and Nails is so fabulous I’d get on a plane to have her tame my hot mess hair if I had to), I encountered many variations in Delaware driving laws from yours in other states. For example, here in Delaware, the left lane is for passing, and as the signs clearly state all along the roadway, slower traffic should remain in the right lanes. It is not okay to drive 10pmh under the speed limit and drive the same speed as the car next to you. Pass the other car or get over; you are causing a significant traffic jam (I’m talking to you Maryland!). When you are not passing, and you are driving on one of our freeways, like Rte 1 which takes you from northern Delaware all the way down to our beaches and back, please stay in the right lane. You may also find this would be an appropriate time to use your automobile’s cruise control feature. It is not appropriate to pass someone going 80mph, then to have them pass you minutes later while you are going 60 mph (in the left lane), and then repeat this process several times. If you then see the person at a gas station, do not say, “You again!” and laugh or you might have to listen to a driving lesson and cruise control tutorial at a gas pump. No, I’m not laughing, and yes, I am talking to you, New Jersey!

Lastly, here in Delaware we advise that if you feel the need to pull off the road for any reason, that you pull as far off as possible, and then when re-entering the road, utilize your turn signals and wait for traffic to clear. New York, it is not appropriate for you to pull into traffic moving 65mph+ without a turn signal and without warning. You may not have realized this, but we all have the right away. You have the right to go drive off a cliff.

So please, come to Delaware. Visit our historical sites, enjoy our beaches, play some slots or watch some Nascar at Dover Downs, and my favorite, enjoy our tax free shopping. While you are here, just make sure you buckle up (it’s the law) and we also request you remove your head from your ass before operating a motor vehicle.

Thank you in advance for your ongoing cooperation.

Best,

Susan

on behalf of all the other drivers hoping to arrive at their destinations in one piece

The good news is that my gray hairs are gone. The bad news is my hair is so dark, which by the way makes my skin look twice as pale, that I look like I should be on my way to a Marilyn Manson concert. Pass me my dog collar and black lipstick and I’ll be ready to rock. Not that there is anything wrong with that, to each his own; however, it was not the look I was going for…

Apparently, Clairol’s Natural Instinct’s Nutmeg (dark brown) actually means jet black. My hair, in its natural state now for two years, is very dark on it’s own. My only goal in coloring my hair was to cover the gray hairs, and I really wanted to stay as close as possible to my natural color. I followed the instructions on the box and even did a strand test. Apparently every other hair on my head was different from the one I tested.

Additionally, I feel like I’m experiencing some overall body hair metamorphosis. Aside from the gray and the normal frizzy fro-ish mess that is my hair, I have also been growing a new row of hair at my hairline. It started after I stopped nursing and I began noticing wispy little curls along my hairline. No matter what I did they stuck straight up for a while, and now that 8 months has past they are longer and I feel like I’m growing out bangs. My complaints around the house fall on deaf ears, and my husband just tells me to stop whining since his hairline is shrinking.

My hair issues aren’t reserved for the top of my head either; this summer I had to start shaving three hairs growing in on each of my big toes. WTF? I also was disappointed to realize that I needed to shave above the knee just as often as below the knee. I quickly grabbed a cover up one day on the beach after glancing down at the beads of water glistening off of my fine upper legs hairs. That’s hot.

Back to my face where my real frustration lies. You’ve heard me complain about Tom Selleck a million times, but I still have not found a solution. Bleaching still leave a mustache, just a lighter one. Waxing hurts and leaves a red bumpy mustache of pain behind for at least four hours, and obviously shaving would be a bad idea. When I hit the lottery my first order of business will be laser hair removal.

My eyebrows are another story. Is it normal to have a five o’clock (eyebrow) shadow? I could pluck in the morning and by bedtime need to repeat the process. WTF? I tried waxing once and lost half an eyebrow and I nearly burned my eyeball, so that’s out. Maybe the laser is the way to go here as well?

What’s to blame for this hairy mess? I’ve only just turned 32 as of last month, so could it really be my age? Is it from having three kids? Do I have some sort of hormonal imbalance? Is my Italian heritage the root of the problem? Try googling this shit too. You’ll get nothing. Not that I blame women for not sharing their stories of hairy toes, mustaches and unusual five o’clock shadows with the world wide web. Someone needs to write a “Girlfriends Guide to Aging” similar to the pregnancy books that are out there.

So instead of feeling like a domestic diva today, I feel like a gothic, hairy, stubbly, old mess.

Sarah Silverman, at the Emmy's, hopefully starting a new trend.

Welcome to Delaware! Now get out of the way!

Shave and a Haircut

The Winds of Change…