Public Potties are a Nightmare

Tuesday morning, after yelling at Joey to stop playing Curious George games on pbskids.org until 11pm the night before, I literally had to drag him out of bed to get to the doctor’s office for his physical.  Although he was not happy to hear me barking orders at him early in the morning, he was still much better than Jacob was for his appointment a couple weeks ago.  However, he only ate half his breakfast and needed to be told to go to the bathroom and put on his shoes sixty-eight times before we finally left for his appointment.

After being greeted with a “Hello again!” at the front desk, we sat down and waited to be called back for Joey’s exam.  I breathed a sigh of relief and thought about how much easier taking a five year old to the doctor was versus a three or one year old.  Just then Joey burst my bubble when he asked, “Hey Mom, where’s the potty?  I have to poop.” So much for going before we left the house (20 minutes earlier).

Seconds later the nurse came around the corner ad called us back.  Joey promptly told her he needed to poop first and asked her where he could find the bathroom.  She directed us to the very public restroom used by everyone at the doctor’s office sick and well alike, and my germaphobia kicked in to high gear.  “Okay, Joey, just wait a minute please.” I instructed as I lined the seat with toilet paper and told him to sit.  I just shook my head and tried to remain calm as Joey knocked all the paper into the toilet and had his legs in such a manner that his shorts and underwear pressed right against the underside of the toilet.  “I need some privacy, Mom!” Joey proclaimed and I stepped into the hall next to the waiting Nurse.

I left the door open about three inches and whispered to the nurse this might be another minute.  As I asked her what room we should go in when Joey was done, I peeked back into the bathroom and was terrified to see Joey swinging his legs wildly around and holding the underside of the bare toilet seat with both hands for support.  My knees wobbled as I tried to remain calm and keep my facade of a sane, normal human being up for the nurse who instructed to go to Room 6 when Joey finished his business.

As the nurse turned a corner, I threw the door open and called out to Joey louder than I should have, but it was because Joey’s germy, e-coli, poo covered fingers had left the toilet seat and one of them was now shoved knuckle deep up his nose.  “Come on, kid!” I exclaimed in a loud whisper.  Joey nonchalantly said he was done and hopped off the seat, and I tried to keep the room from spinning.  At the sink I attempted to scrub his hands only to get the last two squirts of soap from the dispenser, and I began to sweat as I thought of what organisms he stuffed up his nose exactly three hours before we were set to leave for vacation.

After the nurse checked his weight, height, and blood pressure (and I pondered how high mine was), she left the room and we waited for the doctor.  Not being able to help myself at this point, I began to Purell Joey, just as the doctor came in.  I immediately felt like a spaz and explained how “intimate” Joey was with the toilet and the doctor just smiled and said to continue by all means.

The actual visit was smooth and Joey followed all the directions and even got one shot without any complaints.  Only one problem…our doctor, who we have only been seeing a few months, couldn’t find any blood work from Joey or Jake when they were one from their old doctor’s records.  The state requires a CBC Blood count and Lead Level before the kids can start school, so I was unable to get their physical forms.  School starts in less than two weeks, and our vacation was supposed to start as soon as I got home from the doctor’s with Joey.  Now I needed to get blood work for both kids asap so they can start school on time.

First thing Wednesday morning, we dragged the kids out of bed at the beach and took them to a Lab for blood work, but didn’t explain anything until we got there.  Jake thought he was going to a food lab like the one in the movie, “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs,” and Joey thought he was visiting a “Robotics Lab.”  Boy were they disappointed.

I was finishing our insurance info when they called Joey back, so my husband accompanied him.  A few minutes later Joey emerged from the back with a scowl like no other on his face, and loudly exclaimed, “Mom! I went back there and they sucked out my blood! It was like a giant mosquito!”  Three older men, all waiting to be seen, laughed out loud at Joey.  I then jokingly told him that he shouldn’t say that so loudly because maybe not everyone here knows what happens in the back.  Everyone laughed again as one of the men acted like he was going to run out the door.  Joey, who was not amused be any means, continued to cross his arms and pout, and I told him how proud I was and we’d even go get a special breakfast since he was so brave. “Whatever,” he said under his breath.

For those of you keeping count that’s five weeks, four pediatrician’s visits, three of them well check ups with shots, two blood draws at the lab, and one exhausted Mom.  So here’s to hoping that we won’t be seeing the inside of the doctor’s office until our next scheduled well appointment….although, with school starting back up next Monday, that might require a miracle of sorts.

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