I need Professional help. Many of you already know this, but yesterday, in the parking lot of Acme (my local grocery store), it became painfully obvious to me as well.
Yesterday morning started like most others, way too early and with a million things to do leaving me no time to ready myself for the day. I managed to wake up early enough to shower though, since I was making an extra effort to appear normal for Jake’s preschool orientation. I dressed up a bit more than usual too, again as part of the facade of being a functional adult.
Orientation went off without a hitch and Jake cried when it was time to go home (hopefully a good sign). We got home just before lunch, so our mid-day madness ensued with toys everywhere, jelly smears from the kitchen to the bathroom…and all down my shirt resulting from plucking Jake off the top of the kitchen table.
Having had enough, and not really even half way through my already long day, I cleaned Jake up, fed the baby and put them both down for naps. After changing my shirt and delivering the baby monitors to my husband’s home office, I was out to the grocery store before having to pick up Joey from Kindergarten.
It was still warm, but breezy yesterday, and after changing I put on a black short sleeved sweater from Ann Taylor. It was one of my favorite pre-pregnancy shirts that I hadn’t worn in quite some time. As I drove the five miles to the store, I wondered what could be itching against my back knowing it couldn’t be a tag on this previously worn shirt. Unfortunately, it was in the center of my upper back, and not wanting to crash my car, I decided to wait until I got out to remove the object from my sweater.
Upon arriving at Acme, with the clock in my mind ticking away, I forgot about the itch and ran into the store. I began my “Super Market Sweep” style shopping, and somewhere around aisle five, the itching resumed. Not being the only other customer, and not wanting to look like a complete lunatic in my small town’s grocery store, I was unable to really determine the cause of or resolve the itching. I adjusted my sweater and tried to ignore the persistent itch which now felt like a quarter sized lump of prickles. WTF was in my shirt?
I used the self checkout in hopes that it would be faster, but the constant movement from the cart to the scanning mechanism to the bag and back to cart was almost more than I could bear. My cell phone rang and I could barely walk and talk as I made my way to the car. I hung up the phone, loaded three bags in the Suburban, and no longer cared how ridiculous I looked, I needed to get what I now imagined was a tumble weed out of my sweater.
Looking similar, I imagine, to a dog chasing its own tail, I reached as far around my back as I could, grabbed the hard and crunchy object that was entangled in fabric of my sweater and pulled. I felt the object break and a portion came loose in my hand while the rest flung back with the clothing to further irritated my skin.
“What the AHHHHHHHHH!” I screamed. Did I say screamed? I meant I cried out loudly in sheer terror at the half crunched object in my hand. There, in the palm of my hand, was the upper torso, head, and one giant antenna of the most gargantuan and disgusting (dead) cricket I had ever laid eyes on. “It’s in my shirt!” I continued to yell and frantically reach at the remaining carcass. “Oh, God! I can’t get it! I can’t get it!” I continued to cry out in the parking lot of Acme.
A man, probably in his mid thirties, came running after hearing my pleas. He set his bags down and shook the back of my shirt. “It’s still in there! It’s touching me!” I wailed.
“What is it? A bee? Is something stinging you?” he asked. Before I could answer, and seeing the fear painted on my face, he reached his hand down the back of my shirt, felt around, and after what felt like a lifetime but must have only been a few seconds in reality, he pulled out the bottom half of the Jurassic sized cricket. The bottom half, which was perhaps the worst of the two halves, with it’s giant musical legs, was now in his hands and he began to closely inspected it.
“Uh, I think it’s just a cricket, Miss…” he said now looking slightly embarrassed.
Sensing the strangers awkwardness at the realization that the creature in question was just a cricket, I immediately came up with a lie. “Oh, thank God! All I saw was brown legs and I thought it was a wasp. I’m extremely allergic to bees. Oh, thank you! Thank you so much.”
The man, now obviously feeling slightly heroic again and not so much like a public groper, said it was no problem and he was happy to help. I didn’t know what to do at this point either, so I went to hug the stranger, but stopped half way. I then attempted to shake his hand but it was more like a high five.
Super awkward.
A small crowd (yes, crowd-kill me now) of about six people had gathered a couple parking spaces down, and the hero relayed to them that I was allergic to bees and had an insect in my shirt. They all nodded and one man shook his hand as he walked past.
At this point I wanted to abandon the rest of the bags and just drive home never to return to my local Acme again. Instead, I moved with incredible speed and loaded the bags as fast as I could. I nearly cried as I drove home wondering how far I should move to never see any of these people ever again.
Have I mentioned how small my town really is??
After unpacking the bags and hurrying over to Joey’s school to get a parking space, I had a few minutes upon arrival to really let this all sink in. I pondered, and not for long, how the cricket got into the sweater in the first place. My laundry room is in the basement, and this time of year (which is probably when I wore the sweater last), is infested with giant disgusting crickets. The basement is 85% finished, sealed, dry walled, etc. so my guess is these incredibly foul insects are getting in through the sump pump. There’s never any food down there, and I always see them in my laundry baskets, washer, dryer vent, etc. so my assumption is that they eat laundry as a primary food source.
So get the phone book, call the exterminator, I need professional help.
(UPDATE: Here’s a follow up post and why I might have to move)
Thanks for reading! Leave me a comment too! I’d love to hear what you think…do I need professional help?
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LOL I have had bugs make it into the laundry mostly from hanging it outside to dry,
Vicki,
I wish I could hang my clothes out here, but my neighborhood has a deed restriction about conserving energy and saving money so no clothes lines are allowed. I used to love the smell of clothes off the line…but have gotten a bug or two from drying them outside….never one while I was wearing them though, just folding!!
Thanks for reading & the comment, Vicki!
Susan
Oh my gosh, I’ve had a similar experiance!! LOL. Only I had no hero, I ended up having to (very frantically) rip off my shirt in the parking lot to discover my, very much alive, bug was a roach!! I’m getting the eebie jeebies just thinking about it.
Okay, Cat. I read your comment, went and showered, shook out my clothes and now I’m ready to reply! Holy shit! Although impossible to say what may have been without my hero, I do NOT blame you one bit for taking off your shirt. Your bug was way worse for two reasons. 1) Your bug was a cockroach! AND 2) Your bug was ALIVE!
Ahhh! I need another shower. I hate bugs. Thanks for the comment though : ) Sorry you could relate!
Love all your stories and can relate to most of them. Brings back memories….our oldest now just 33 and the youngest 23!!!
Bugs in clothes?? OH Yes, had a beetle of some sort in the crotch of a bathing suit one year…………you can only imagine……………..
Darla! Yikes! The thought of that gave me a chill! I’ll take a cricket in the sweater over a beetle in the crotch any day!!
Glad you like the stories, sorry you could relate to this one!
Susan
I can completely sympathize. We have cave/camel crickets in the crawlspace under our house (they like damp dark places). They find their way into the house and scare me half to death because they look like spiders.
Bobbi, I don’t know where these things are getting in (except the sump pump), but they are so gross…sorry you’re in the same boat! I am seriously considering an exterminator, or at least spraying around the sump pump with Raid or something!
We have them every year, but usually only a couple end up in the house. The only thing different this year was that our cat had run away and wasn’t around to lurk around beneath the house and help keep the cricket population at bay.
Maybe I need cat then, Bobbi! There seems to be hundreds outside…all in my garden and around the house, just waiting to come in and get me!! Just yesterday I thought I needed a dog (see my post today), maybe I should get a cat too…or a lizard- they eat crickets, right?
Thanks for the comment!
Susan
You definately need a cat. However, if you do, you will find dead crickets lying around if your cat loses intrest before eating it. But your house will almost be bug free. Also, have you tried the little dohickeys that you plug into the outlet that emit a high frequency sound that repels bugs. We used to have some and they work really well. You may see an increase in bugs at first because they are trying to get out, but once they are gone, they are gone. I beleive they also work on mice.
Yike!!!!!
I have been going near out of mind all summer..earwigs earwigs earwigs…I would not be embaressed over “just” a cricket ……any bug in my shirt would be enough to FREAK me out!!
Thank you Patricia! It was not JUST a cricket to me, but it clearly was to the man who went down my shirt! lol
Thanks for reading!
Susan
Oh susan! Poor thing. Our house is infested with tons of gigantic crickets and cave crickets also. They’re soooo gross. And of course owen just picks them up with his bare hands and keeps them in a bug hut. We were up to about. 10 at one point. Crickets love tostios…just in case joey found one for a pet. Lol!
Stacey,
I thought of you! I remember you said george ate one of the chips for the crickets! lol And after what just happened to me there will definitely be NO pet crickets!
Susan
Laughing RIDICULOUSLY OUT LOUD at this one. I thought I was the only one things like that happen to…
Amie,
Next time something like this happens to you, email me and make me feel better about myself! There are days when I think i must be the only human on Earth living this kind of life! lol Glad you liked the post!
Susan
Hysterical!! I so needed the laugh and sorry to say I am having it at your expense. I can’t wait to check out your other stories. Your cousin posted this on FB and since she is hilarious, I couldn’t wait to read it.
Thanks, Janis! I’m surprised Joanna would want to share that she is related to me after a post like this, but I have a feeling she may have reacted in a similar manner…and she is hilarious! Thanks for reading!!
Susan
LOL what an awkward moment. Making him feel like a hero was great!
Melinda,
His expression was priceless as soon as he realized it was JUST a cricket. I felt like I read his mind “Oh, my God, I just stuck my hand down this lady’s shirt for a cricket.” lol…I can laugh, at least about that part now!
Thanks for the comment!
Susan
Susan,
Any type of bug freaks me the f*** out, so I sympathize completely and would’ve behaved the same way were I in your situation. Lach read this post first and actually wanted to watch me read it to see my reaction before he left for his soccer game. Your knack for storytelling had me laughing out loud, so thanks for that!
Kate
Kate,
I hate all bugs…mostly bees and spider prior to this event. Now crickets are right up there too! I’m glad you enjoyed reading it! Thanks for the comment too : )
Susan
Hilarious! Tears in my eyes from laughter is the best way to start out my day. Thank you for sharing.
Jennifer,
So glad that my post could have you start your day that way…this is why I share even the most embarrassing moments! Thanks for reading!
Susan
OMG! I would’ve been freaking out, too! I hate crickets just as much as I do cockroaches! Ugh!!! You held it together better than I would’ve! I would have taken off that shirt and tried to suffocate the cricket with it!! They terrify me!! Just a cricket, indeed!! Ha!! They’re disgusting! ;-P
Thanks for the validation, Martha…in my head I was thinking, “No, shit it’s a cricket!! How is this not terrifying??” …glad to know you would have flipped out too!!
Susan
I would have died! I too hate crickets as much as cockroaches ike martha posted in another comment.
I would have had the skeevies all the way home!
Faith, I DID have the skeevies all the way home…I felt sooooo disgusting! I ripped my shirt off as soon as I walked in the door. Ew- and found a LEG still in the sweater. G-r-o-s-s. Thanks for “feeling” my pain on this one…I’m posting some of these more horrific moments for some validation that I’m not a complete lunatic!
Susan
omg omg omg omg omg ohhhhh darlin I feel for you … I would have lost my mind and probably run into traffic. at least it was only Acme … it will prob only make the 3rd page LOL
– I had a scorpion incident in AZ! Have a great weekend! ohhh PS – I included you in my twitter stalking of Grotto Pizza online!
haha, Kim! Thanks for including me in the Twitter Stalking of grottos! I feel privileged! And in Wilmington maybe it be third page news, but I live down in Kent County now (cue the banjos)….thank God no one had a camera or it be moving time for me! And a scorpion?! Oh hell no! I’d run into traffic if I SAW one near me, I hope it wasn’t ON you!!
Susan
Sweet Baby Jesus! I would’ve been shirtless running around the parking lot, so kudos to you for even sticking your hand in there! Although gross, thank goodness it was just a cricket and not really a bee!
Amber-
I’m definitely glad it wasn’t a bee, and had the stranger not come to help me, taking off my shirt would have been next I’m sure! Thank God he was there!!
This is one of the funniest stories I have ever heard! I mean it’s not funny what happened to you but they way you write it I feel like I was one of the crowd members! I love your quick thinking in your response! Thanks for the smiles!
City Mom-
Thanks for the kind words! I’m glad that you enjoyed the story; it makes having an experience like this a little less horrible if I can turn it around and make other people laugh. And lucky for me, I was able to be quick on my toes with my response to my hero. I feel bad, even now, remembering the look on his face when he realized what he went fishing for in my shirt was “Just” a cricket!
Hope you’ll come back and visit again! I’ll be stopping by your site too!
Susan
Thanks Susan! I will be back because you have a new fan in me now! Love your stories. Hope you enjoy my blog. It’s still young…I’m gaining more and more experience!
I can’t wait to check it out….and I’m still young too….kinda learning as I go here!
Wow, you are a fast thinker! Good excuse with the bee thing, I would never have come up with something so plausible so quickly! Also, I’m pretty sure I would have frantically ripped my shirt off right there in the parking lot if I broke a cricket off my shirt, so you’re one step ahead of me anyway!
Katie,
I’m pretty much shocked that I spouted that out so quickly and on the spot…after all the responses, I’m also surprised that I didn’t rip my shirt off too! If my”hero” wasn’t there I probably would have!
Susan
Well, at least it wasn’t a spider and you didn’t rip your sweater off in one lightening fast swoop! Not that I did that same exact thing, mind you-I’m just sayin’. ROFL I’m not allergic, but I am totally terrified of spiders so I can “feel your pain”.
Sweet Jeanette,
I hate spiders, bees, sharks and now crickets. I really hate all bugs, but finding one in my shirt was horrifying even almost a week later. And I’m glad you feel my pain on this one…I’m also so very very thankful i didn’t rip off my shirt in the parking lot!
Thanks for the comment!
Susan
O my word!!!!!!!!!!!! I would’ve reacted the same way!!! I always say if there was one thing I could change about myself it would be my freakishly terrifying phobia of BUGS! Glad fall’s coming so they will die! haha…thanks for sharing.
I’m usually just phobic about spiders and bees…I’ve now added giant mutant crickets to that list. I’d take an early frost just to kill these buggers.
Thanks for the comment…glad you can relate…helps me not feel so crazy!
Susan
This sounds like an incident I had this past spring when the ticks started to come out. I had picked up my oldest son from school and we decided to stay at the park for a while so he could play with friends. While I was talking to another Mom I felt something on my ankle. I went to scratch it and saw “a piece of dirt” on it. I went to brush it away but it wouldn’t come off. On closer inspection I realized what it was. A tick! I lost it. I kept saying, “What do I do? What do I do?” I’m sure there were a few swear words in there.
So I ran back into the school and into the teachers lounge. In almost tears and a shaky voice I said something like this: “Does anyone know how to get rid of tick? Because I am going to have a panick attack.” I thought I was going to die! I’m sure I got a look from one of the teachers that said: “What can’t handle a little bug, over dramatic crazy lady?”
Thankfully someone helped me. Needless to say I felt like I had to check my ankle to make sure nothing was there and had the creapy crawlies ALL day.
Ack! Carla, ticks are so gross and I would have been calling for paramedics
Thanks for sharing your story; here I thought I was alone and crazy in my bug phobia!
Susan
OMG..I was just introduced to your blog yesterday and I am really enjoying it as I try to catch up. This post reminds me of something so terrible. My L.L. Bean coat that I love for its pretty purple lilac and cornflower colors and the plain comfort of the pretty lilac fleece zip in jacket. I had love affair with this jacket even when I needed to bundle up in something heavier until I walked out of the house with a scarf and belt of boy cut panties attached to the velcro of my jacket. I got a whistle and “yuh uh” comments from a couple of paint covered young guys and gave them the “I know I am hot and still old enough to be your teenage brothers Mom look” as my tired stomp quickly turned into a prissy swish. It was then in Walgreens that a lady came up to nicely tell me that I had “something” hanging from my coat. OMG…at first I wanted to die, but she started to giggle and we both had the best deep belly laughs that we both agreed either of us had in weeks. She helped me make something so uncomfortable very funny. I stayed in Walgreens so long I had to read the back of every cosmetic product and hair product in stock just to be sure the guys in the parking lot would be gone. Not to mention a worker was peeking at me for the remainder of the shopping experience, probably because I was stuffing underwear in my pockets earlier. When I told my husband he laughed harder than both of us together. Thanks for letting me know I am not the only one that wants to just disappear into thin air at times:)
Thanks, first Jennifer for sharing your story. As I go through my often monstrously embarrassing life, I find myself wondering if this shit happens to anyone else?? So when a kind soul like yourself shares a story that I feel like could have been me, I’m thankful…so again, thanks! And just know, if you’re having a day like you had at Walgreens, please check back here and I promise, I’ll have something to make you feel better! AT least you can laugh at yourself though…I think it’s the only thing getting me through some days.
Thanks for reading, and for the comment…I hope you’ll visit again soon!
Susan
[...] folks. It was him. Him as in the hero from the Acme parking lot. The hero who saved me from stripping in the parking [...]
I have a horrible fear of crickets, grasshoppers and the like. While your story had me crying with laughter, I shivered at the thought.
I just had to share with you though, I came home from a quick trip to the grocery yesterday and my husband had in a container on my kitchen counter top a 4″ long cricket thing.. it is sooo not right. I can’t even come within 3foot of the container and had a nightmare last night about these jurassic park creatures. Pic is posted on FB.
I am glad someone came to your rescue, because if it had been me..I would have been stipped naked long before he could have gotten there. LOL
LOL….the general consensus here seems to be stripping naked to remove the bug, and with so many of you thinking that would have been what you would have done in my shoes, I thank God (again) that I didn’t…and that my hero was there!
And your husband sounds like my husband…thinking they’re funny when they’re not!
I howled at this entry and as a result, woke up my kids. I blame you for waking up my kids.
I found a centipede-like creature in my laundry pile the other day and just about lost my mind when I realized it was still alive. While the rest of my house was oblivious to the war going on between the centipede and me in our room, I was trying my hardest to keep myself composed and strong to kill it. I screamed too when the critter advanced at me (or perhaps, was just trying to get away but either way, it came in my direction).
Why I am not afraid or disgusted by the shittiest of shitty diapers, but a small bug makes me quiver I will never know.
Regardless, I must go and feed the troops that I just woke up. I’m still laughing at your blog. Too f*$#&n funny!
I blame the cricket for waking up your kids…but don’t worry, I washed, dried and pulling him apart so he can never cause harm again!
And bugs in laundry, like crickets and centipedes, give me nightmares. Thankfully, our issue this year was just crickets, but we have those million legged critters in our garage…Gross! And it’s ridiculous to scream and throw things and run from tiny insects, but I do it all the time.
Glad you enjoyed the post though! And sorry about the now awake kids!
I was reversing out of a parking spot at a friend’s apartment complex a few years back. The place was not the nicest and it being summer in the south there were more cockroaches than people living there. While I was reversing I felt one climb down the side of my face, down my neck and into my shirt! I freaked out and accidentally hit the gas in the process hitting a truck behind me. When I got out of my car and did the OMG there is a bug on me dance.. I realized it was only my feather earring that had fallen out of my ear… I’d rather pay for the dent in the truck then have a roach crawling all over me!
[...] Wanted: Professional Help [...]
After a double dose of the Monday blues, I came across this blog post & I am cracking up! I hate that happened to you but it reminded me of the time there was a crab in my shoe @ the beach & I found out too late. Reading this had me laughing so hard I’m in tears! Thanks!
Thanks, Angela! This was the type of situation I love and hate at the same time…sure it’s super embarrassing while it’s happening and it makes me want to move to a new town, but I can see the humor in it too….so I’m glad it could bring some laughter into a crappy Monday! And by the way…there’s a Part II to this post: http://www.divinesecretsofadomesticdiva.com/2010/10/13/no-strangers-in-a-small-town/
OMG I laughed so hard I cried. I am sorry about the bug in your shirt but HILARIOUS. I am new to your blog and I have been sharing everything with my friends.
Thank YOU, I look forward to reading more.
Kellie @craftingonadime
Wow, what town do you live in. The people you encounter are super nice! I am from San Diego, CA and if this had happened to me, people would have just walked by and though “what a lunatic”. Thinking about your post with the kite and your son, and that Dad who came over to help get it out of the tree, I am thinking you must live in the nicest people town ever! Life is funny. I love the way you write about it.
We’ve got a lot of good people here….our share of bad apples too, but the good ones more than make up for it most of the time…I actually live in small town in Delaware…we’re just a short drive to the beach, Philadelphia, DC and more….but it’s nice because we’re in a “country” setting with plenty of big city amenities close by. Plus we have tax free shopping. That’s a plus!
And I agree- life IS funny. I wish more people saw it that way! Glad you are enjoying my take on it so far! Thanks for the comment!
You handled that far better than I ever could! Once, while folding laundry, I discovered a dead frog in my then two year old nephew’s short pocket. He found his ‘treasure’ at daycare, pocketed it, and promptly forgot about it. Then froggy went for a spin in both washer and dryer. I still can’t look at amphibians the same, and have enforced a strict pants-pocket-check rule before putting any laundry into the hampers!
And now I have to change my shirt, BECAUSE NOW I THINK CRICKETS ARE EVERYWHERE.
GAhhhhhheeeewwwwwweEEEK!
I would love for you to please contact Acme for the security tape footage of your freakout and the man’s hand down your shirt, so you can post it here. I beg of you. BEG of you, please. For me?
Ohh… wow. I can imagine how horrifying that would have been!! As horrifying as it may have been for you, I seriously laughed until I cried reading this! Thanks for the visual!!
My insect invasion right now would be stink bugs… EW! I hate those things!!
Oh my heavens! I can’t possibly imagine the horror! I can’t even laugh at this one because I feel your pain! I had lived in an apt (manymanyyearsback) and woke up to a roach in my bed. Yes my bed, I called the landlord having a psychotic moment and moved the next day.
It’s not only you that these crazy things happen to! When my kids were little, I worked as the nurse at a summer camp all summer. We lived in a basement room in a wooded area. I was always expecting some kind of weird and humongous bug to try to sleep with me…but when it actually happened, well…it was even worse than my fears! One night, in the blackest middle of the night….i sort of awoke to some “thing” moving on me under my covers. I was still half awake, and freaked out, yanking, instead of ,my feared bug- A SNAKE!!!!!! I SCREAMED, loudly and long, waking and terrifying the kids, turned the light on…and couldn’t find it! I woke up some college guys who were on staff, and had them look under the bed and every corner. When they couldn’t find it, I slept in the nurses station…my kids, however, didn’t care, and stayed in the room, after we were assured that it was a “harmless” black snake! Harmless, my tushie! I am sure I lost 5 years of my life!
Laughed till I had to potty. I once had a roach crawl up my pant leg during a meeting. I waddled out of the room bent over clutching an unknown wiggling bug inside my pant leg. Classy AND professional.
OMG!!! Crickets freak me out! When my son was a toddler, I was on the phone with a girlfriend when my (now ex-) husband (who KNEW I was terrified of crickets) told him to “hand it to Mommy”. I wasn’t paying attention, just held my hand out for what I was sure going to be something slimy and toddler-chewed. Worse. It was a HUGE black cricket. I screamed, threw the cricket, then dropped the phone. My girlfriend was temporarily deafened and my son was traumatized. I spent the next half-hour trying to calm my toddler while my spouse wet himself laughing. My son is 17 now and still has issues about this!
I just have to say thatthis reminds me of a story about my daughter several years ago. We were vacationing in Florida and visiting family. We spent our last day at the beach. My then 4 year old daughter was eating goldfish crackers while playing in the sand. We went into the ocean to rinse off and enjoy one last dip….. after several moments my daughter started screaming about a fish in her bathing suit. Being the awesome mom that I am (cough, cough
) I looked into her suit and only saw some goldfish crackers and assured her that everything was fine… all the while she was still insisting that there was a fish in her suit. Several hours later we were back at my brother’s house and I bathed the girls as we were getting ready to leave and when I pulled down my daughter’s swimsuit…. there it was… a 3 in long minnow looking fish! Boy did I feel like crap for not believing her!!
I hear ya! I had this happen to me once with a spider…and I’m severely arachnophobic!! I was in high school and ended up freaking out and taking off my uniform shirt (in a matter of seconds) without even thinking! THANK GOD I was wearing an undershirt!!!!!
[...] I don’t exactly have the best experiences with handsome strangers. [...]
[...] I don’t exactly have the best experiences with handsome strangers, so I probably should have known better. [...]