I closed the door behind me and stood in the small empty room for a moment just absorbing the silence that comes from being alone. A moment to myself these days is rare to come by, at least before bedtime. Showering usually buys me 15 minutes or so, but now that I want to look “normal” for my kids when I transport them to and from school, I’ve been showering before they even get up, instead of in the evenings. Intentionally waking up early before the kids does not, or at least should not, constitute as alone time.
As I slowly sat down, I briefly closed by eyes, enjoying the solitude. Many who sit, just like I did then, use it to contemplate life’s great mysteries or to develop great ideas; I used this seat, in this brief moment, to think of nothing. As I sit and absorb the silence, my mind slowly goes blank. Nothing flows through my mind as I just sit….and pee.
A loud noise and sudden movement of the door handle made me jump, although I shouldn’t have been surprised to hear the sound of Jake calling my name and the door swing wildly open. “Delivery truck is here, Mom!”
As I began to yell at Jake to close the door, my pleas began to become a bit more frantic as I realized the front door was open and the delivery man, who I have known for three years now, has on occasion called through the screen and placed a box just inside my front door. This may seem like nothing to be alarmed about, but my front door and powder room are literally right next to each other. See below:
Jake stands in between the front and bathroom doors.
Jake who, as usual, is oblivious to my commands, continues to tell me over and over that the delivery man is here. The door, which is swung all the way open, makes me afraid to reach out and close it because it would clearly put me in Jim the delivery man’s field of vision. My decision, instantly becomes the apparent right choice, and I hear him just outside the front door. I immediately decide to hold my ground on the toilet and not make another sound until he leaves which must be only moments away.
My mind must still be in its diluted state of solitude, perhaps with some remaining blank spots, because I never considered what Jake did next. The driver sees Jake and says “I have a delivery for your Mom, Buddy.” Jake says, “I told her you were here but she’s busy pooping,” and points his little index finger into the open bathroom.
My first instinct is to reach out and smack Jake, but something in my reawakening mind stops me and I just try to access Jim’s position. As I lean off the toilet, I peer out into the foyer and see Jim’s ear to ear grin reflecting in the mirror in the hallway. Although he was looking right at Jake, it occurs to me that if I can see him, he can possibly see me so I crouch back onto the porcelain seat safely hidden from view.
Just so we’re all following along, here’s the view from the front door. Please note the mirror, and that you can see into the bathroom:
I then begin to wonder if death by embarrassment is a real thing, and if so who would find me dead on the toilet a-la-Elvis. Jake begins telling me to unlock the screen door so he can get the box. I simply remain seated, silent and completely motionless, with my head down in utter defeat.
I can tell by the tone and volume of Jim’s voice that what he said next was not intended for Jake. “Well, I’m just going to leave this box here and your Mommy can come get it when she’s finished doing whatever she’s doing. You tell her to have a nice weekend.” I distinctly hear Jim chuckling as he walks back to his truck.
Part of me wanted to cry out, “I was only peeing!” but at this point I continue to remain silent. I was going to be humiliated regardless of whether or not Jim thought I was shitting. Once I hear Jim’s truck pulling away I get up, slam the door and contemplate moving to a new town for the third time in 8 days.
At least it was Friday. Although my week started with getting humped by a sex-crazed canine and ended with Jake telling the delivery man I was pooping with my bathroom door opened, 2 feet from where he was standing, it was still Friday. Thank God.
I’d love to hear from you too…leave me a comment!
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LOL!! Thank you so much for the good laugh! I haven’t responded much to your posts (or perhaps none at all). With a 19 month old girl (to the day) who would crawl back inside of mommy’s belly if she could and another little one on the way (17 weeks along now), finding time to myself has become impossible! But I must say, this story, the dead bug on your back, and the muddy dog through the house, are on my top three list!
Thank you again!
Regina,
Thanks for reading and for the comment! I’m glad you’ve enjoyed the posts so far, and I think the ones you mentioned are definitely some of the highlights from the last couple months!
I understand how hard it is to have a little one and another on the way. I got pregnant with Jake when Joey was 15 months old and then it happened again with my third, Jake was 15 months old when I got pregnant with her. so try to take it easy….forget about the alone time! Just try to relax as best you can with the kids!
Again, thanks for reading and I’m glad i could make you laugh!
Susan
lol… o my goodness… I feel ya pain..believe me I do..but it was funny at the same time… Thank you for putting a smile on my face.. lol
Glad you liked the post, tanya! Thanks for reading and the comment!
Susan
I feel your pain! I have a very similar experience with our UPS man, only there was no wondering, “Is there a smidgen of an iota of a chance that he didn’t really see me naked?” Oh no, we are talking full frontal nudity, thanks to my little guy throwing the door open at the most inopportune time! I’m still hiding out every time I hear that box truck heading up our driveway! Feel free to share in my humiliation at http://mysillymonkeys.wordpress.com/2010/08/05/the-ups-guy-thinks-im-a-nudist/ !
Elizabeth, You’ve got a new reader-me! If anyone can make me feel like “Oh, well, that could have been worse” they’ve got a follower for life! Sorry that happened, but I feel so much better now! lol
THANK YOU!!!
Susan
Oh, so glad to be of help! There are many days that your posts have made me think, “Okay, so I’m not the
only person in the world the Humiliation Gods like to mess with — they’ve got Susan to play with, too!” Let’s spread the wealth!
I feel like an ant under a magnifying glass…especially this week! I say we spread it out too. I’m happy to take my share, but this last week or so has been particularly embarrassing!
my favorite story so far, loved it! i was laughing so hard i was crying my bf came upstairs to check on me and i had him read it too…bad idea…he looked at me like i had lost it and asked me again if i was ok. oh well men are weird….i have two of my own (grlz 7 and 8) i feel your pain
My husband doesn’t get it all the time either…and he’s here for half this shit! I ask him to proof read my stuff (which is so necessary because I rarely get to just sit down and write uninterrupted) and he doesn’t always get it then either. Men! Anyway, glad you liked it and hope you’ll come back and visit again!
Susan
Wow, that is funny. We have similar placement on our powder room including a window directly at your knees. Its a full window, I have no idea why someone would do that. I am always closing the shade too and my kids will open it while I”m going. WHY!! Can’t we have a moments peace!!! But someday we will and we will miss the little kiddos.
http://disneydivaathome.blogspot.com
Your are absolutely right…there will come a day when silence won’t be so welcomed. When the kids are old and grown, and I’ll be wishing for someone to come open the bathroom door while I’m peeing…or at least be there when I get out of the bathroom to ask me for juice or something:) I’m sure in a few years, when they don’t want to have anything to do with me, I’ll miss the days where I was followed around all day long….some days I just want 2 minutes. Just. Two. Minutes.
Your drama NEVER ends! Glad I am NOT alone!
We should start a club…
You know, this last couple weeks has been particularly full of nonsense, but this has been going on for…let’s see, 32 years. My whole life. People have been telling me, “write this stuff down” since I was a kid! Like okay, let me go grab my Trapper Keeper and make some notes. In their defense, I’ve always enjoyed sharing my stories with anyone who will listen. It’s kind of liberating and makes me feel more in control of the nonsense that has plagued me for as long as I can remember.
I’m just glad to know now that I’m not alone!!
You just made my day!
Thanks, MamaHen! I appreciate the comment and I’m glad you liked it!
Come back and visit again!
thank you for sharing these ever so embarrassing moments with all of us. it makes me feel so much better about the craziness that is my life. it’s nice to know i am not alone.
Allison,
The best part for me in sharing these often embarrassing moments is that I now know I’m not alone either! I’m glad you can relate cause I know it’s not just me either!
Susan
Private time in the bathroom goes out the door when you become a Mommy. I totally can relate to this on many occasions, but this one will live forever.
To set the stage, the year is 1993 and my girls are 3 and 5 years old. I was expecting our son at the time. I’m sure you’re very much like me; I use to snap pictures of my wee ones in the buff. This is simply precious and innocent stuff. What parent doesn’t do this, right?
I had (noticed past tense) this habit of leaving our shower curtain partly opened so I could peer out if a little voice called for me. Coincidentally, I used the back ledge of the tub which butts up against the wall as a foot prop to make shaving my legs easier.
There I was one night, shaving my legs. My head was all soaped up and part of top half showing, if you looked close enough when all of sudden my 3-year old said, “Look, Mommy!” I turned and flash my image forever captured on 35mm film. You got it, this was the day before digital cameras and yes…she had a real camera.
My first reaction was to hit the ceiling, but I was so stunned that my brain froze up. Somehow during that brain-freeze moment, God allowed me calm down and then I laughed as I look out at her with this sweet little look on her face. Why, she had no clue that she wasn’t supposed to take X-rated pictures of her pregnant mommy. After all, Mommy snapped her in the nude. I guess she must have thought I looked cute, too.
Don’t worry folks, you’ll be happy to know but not as happy as I was to learn that I wasn’t another Demi Moore in that photo. As fate or the good Lord would have it, all that was revealed in that timeless photograph was my soapy head and surprised face.
“A Kid imposed embarrassing moment is a parent’s 5-minute to fame or at least…in the parent’s mind.” Cathy Kenendy
Oh, Cathy! That’s classic! Thanks so much for sharing your story too. Hearing these other “whoppers” makes me feel a little better about my own situations. Although, I have been foregoing the nice breeze this week that I get through my screen door and leaving the big door closed in hopes of avoiding my UPS guy. I can obviously laugh about it now, given that I posted the story, but I’ll probably avoid him a while longer.
Thanks again for sharing!
Susan
LOL! omg I just found your blog on Top Mommy Blogs and it is so funny! I love it… I just started blogging about being a mommy too, and i def think you could relate. check it out sometime and leave some feedback :
http://www.momsinheels.net
I look forward to keeping up with your posts!
Oh my gosh! I would have died! Death by embarrassment has GOT to be a real thing!
thanks for the laugh!! Too funny!!
hilarious!!
Very good laugh! I enjoyed reading your post.
I am your newest follower!
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Char
OMG… that was so close… I know your state of mind and have “almost” been there.
I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Thank you. My whole family got involved, as I was literally laughing out loud, so they were reading over my shoulder. Thanks for including the photos. Oh, the images. Thanks for linking back to this one from your assholes blog. As a new follower, I would have missed it.
Some of my personal favorites are in some of the older posts, so I try to link them where I can….glad you enjoyed this one….it was definitely one of the more embarrassing moments of the fall! And the pictures here, really did help deliver the story I think. Glad you all enjoyed it & thanks for the comment!
Oh. My. God. Friggin kids!! I love this!
I am new here, I found you from your Love You Forever review (creepy-ass book!) and I love it! Thanks for the laughs! And, seriously, I would have died, too!
Oh, this was a good one. Little bugger! I still blush when I see this delivery guy!
Glad you enjoyed the post, thanks for the comment & hope you’ll come back & visit again!
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This is so funny….
Well im thinking someone who delivers your packages to your house is a lot more embarrassing then my 4 yo coming into the stall at the mall with me and mid wipe/pulling up pants, flings the door open as ‘hes finished’ and proceeds to wash his hands. Meanwhile im there with my pants down for the entire line of women waiting to go can see me… do you pull your pants up quick or try to close the door or yell to the kid to ‘get his ass back here and close the door’… Well this doesn’t happen to me only once or twice it seems every bloody time we go he has to open the door before im ready no matter how many threats/bribes/tying him to the paper holder, he will always do this to me!
But thank you for your hilarious blogs, they not only make me laugh so hard i have to go check my makeup in the mirror, i feel good knowing its not only me that could die of embarrasment about every other day from my kid!!!
Too funny! I just discovered your blog and was reading this entry, laughing, when my youngest of three (now 11) entered the living room where my husband was trying to watch the ESPN Bracketology show prior to the announcement of which teams will make the NCAA Tournament. Said child has been nicknamed “Boca,” Spanish for mouth, because of her well-documented habit of talking incessantly. So does she ask about NC State’s chances to advance in the tourney? Inquire about which mid major will be left out? Of course not. She asks a random question about ingredients chosen in shows like Top Chef or Iron Chef. In a tremendous show of restraint, her father turned up the volume on the TV until she got the message and left the room. Of course she returned in 45 seconds and resumed her query. So it doesn’t get better, only more sophisticated.
It’s like poetry. Thank you.
Thank you for this repost! You make me stop and realize how funny life is if you just stop and laugh! I love reading your posts and fb updates you are the best!
[...] bathroom peeing, “Can’t come to the door because she is pooping.” (Jake age 3 & you can read that one here). Or finally, when you have a service person or technician doing an 8hr installation in your home [...]