I watch way too much Dateline, 20/20 and 48 Hours Mysteries. I also read the paper and watch the news daily which aides in my paranoia. I trust very few people outside my family to watch and care for my kids. I receive email notifications from the State of Delaware when a sex offender moves into my zip code.
When my kids ask to go play outside, alone, at age three and five, they get really upset when I say “no” if I am unable to come out with them. They find this especially unfair since “all the other kids are doing it.” Nice. That old line. Some of the best times I had as a kid were riding around my neighborhood on a bike and playing in the woods that backed up to my neighborhood. Times were different then.
My kids had already been outside twice on Sunday, but Mother Nature and her beautiful weather sang her siren’s song beckoning them to come back outside again. They had actually been very well behaved for most of the day, and cleverly used that as leverage in their plight to play outside alone. I was wrapping up some emails and told them that they were allowed to play in the front yard until I was able to come outside as well. My desk is right next to one of the front windows so I felt that was a safe compromise. With the window open, and the boys outside, I could finish what I was doing without the constant barrage of questions as to when I’d be finished.
“I have to poop first,” Jake announced loudly. “Fine, fine, Jake. Just go do your business and head outside with your brother.” I told him and I headed back to my work.
I saw Joey kicking a ball around and heard Jake flush the toilet, run the water in the sink, and then head outside loudly calling his brother as he ran out the door. The boys were just out of sight on the front steps, but with the window open and them playing nicely just 10 feet away, I regained my focus on what I was doing.
Out of the corner of my eye, about ten minutes later, I saw the boys running around on the front lawn. “We’re under attacked!” Joey screamed, and without looking away from my computer I called out to him to keep it to a dull roar outside. Jake giggle in delight and cried out “Oh, no! I’m under attack too!” Joey quickly replied, “You’re going to get it now, Jacob! It’s raining missiles!”
Now, my boys have active imaginations. We own no toy missiles, so what could they be using as missiles? Sticks? Stones? Something from the garage? Who knew. Whatever it was, it called for further investigation on my part, so that one of them didn’t end up with a dart in the forehead or something.
You may remember the set up in my foyer from the recent incident where Jake told the UPS man I was pooping. As I entered the foyer, saw that the powder room door was open and so was the cabinet under my sink. Jake must have gone looking for a hand towel which I keep under the sink, I supposed. However, as I turned and faced the front door, I saw what he actually discovered under the sink.
The front steps and surrounding plants around my front door were littered with tampon wrappers. My front walk and 1/3 of my front lawn were bombed with a multipack of tampons. Super, regular and lite day tampons, I mean “missiles,” were everywhere. The battle, which was still in progress, left me momentarily speechless. Life slowed down for a moment as I turned and looked around. Neighbors were outside, mowing lawns, working in the yard, laughing at my kids. Two women, each with a stroller, giggled as the walked by sneaking extra glances of the boys. Have I ever mentioned most of my close friends live 35-40miles away and I’m hoping to make some more new friends down where I live now? Well, I am. Safe to say those two ladies, each with kids about Cecilia’s age, will probably not be among them.
Life sped back to normal speed as I tried, rather unsuccessfully, to nonchalantly clean up the Costco sized box of tampons from my front yard. The boys were now rather irritated I was taking away such a neat box of toys they had never seen before. I tried to quietly shush them as I cleaned up the lawn, chasing loose wrappers to the curb and back. My face felt so hot and I cannot imagine it could have been much redder. Jake hit Joey in the arm with a super tampon and Joey pretended it was shot off. “Mom! Mom! Jake bombed my arm!” I just prayed silently for the great green suburban earth beneath my feet to open up and swallow me whole. No such luck.
A man walking a dog, actually stepped over a wrapper, and right through my nightmare. He smiled and I pretended not to see him…or the other half dozen neighbors who were outside. It then occurred to me in addition to fearing for my children’s safety the other reason I don’t want them outside alone is because of their propensity to embarrass me. Perhaps I should have thought of that first and they could have waited the ten minutes for me to finish what I was doing before we all went and enjoyed the beautiful fall afternoon together.
Through the eyes of a 5 and 3 year old boy, this is what a tampon looks like…
Ever had your kids get into your lady products? Did it end this badly? Tell me your story and make me feel better!
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OMG… that was hilarious! Your family sounds just like mine. Being the only female in a house full of males, there’s always ‘girly’ things for them to play with. Thanks for the laugh!
My boys are 100% little boys…they love bugs, dirt, and most of all embarrassing me whether they know it or not.
I can’t imagine what people around here say about us…actually, I can, and it makes me want to become a hermit.
This was hysterical. I was having one of those crappy Monday mornings but this definitely made me laugh. I can’t imagine your embarrassment. Kids have a way of unknowingly mortifying us.
I’m laughing about it myself now…at the time it was awful…although I didn’t really even yell at them, aside from telling Jake not to touch stuff that he KNOWS isn’t his. My boys usually don’t know they’re slowly killing me…one of these days, I’m going to be proof you can die of embarrassment! I know it!
Hope your Monday is getting better….mine stinks too!
OMG! How embarrassingly funny! I found your blog yesterday and spent several hours at work reading the whole thing…LOL reading several post out loud to my co workers, we laughed so hard. You are a great writer and I love your blog! I put in my vote for you and will continue to do so. Thanks for sharing your stories!
First of all, work on a Sunday stinks (I used to work Sundays ALL the time), so I’m really glad I could distract you from whatever it is you do (unless your air traffic control or something and in that case, get back to work!)…I’m also glad you enjoyed the stories, and I definitely appreciate your vote! Thanks a bunch…and I hope you come back and visit again soon!
Poor girl! At least they didn’t decide to drag out used ones. I’ve heard such horror stories with pets.
Holy hell….that would have been awful…and gross! So that’s two things to be thankful for…they didn’t find the pads and they didn’t dig in the trash for used ones! I feel a little better now…but I also feel the need to go empty the trash in there (just in case!)
I know this is a really old thread but yeah my dogs tend to get into the trash and on one occasion I had a male friend stop by and the couch was littered with them. He sat on the floor even after I cleaned up. I felt mortified.
lol! That was a great story…sorry that it had to happen to you! But boys can have such interesting ways of seeing things! To make you feel better, my daughter saw your picture at the top of the page (you’re ironing) and she said “She’s pretty!!”
Tell your daughter ‘thanks’ from me…and we’ll just leave it at that (since in reality I usually look like a big hot mess!)…glad you liked the post!
Thanks for cheering me up too!
Susan
haha! That is funny, I don’t care who you are. Your boys have quite the imagination, however you might want to hide any other products around that could double as a toy of some sort. Thanks for the laugh!
It could have been worse, that’s for sure! I suppose I should be thankful Jake didn’t also grab the box of pads. They would have made great shields…especially the one’s with wings.
Worst part of this story? NOW you have to go buy new tampons. Those things ain’t cheap! LOL
Oh my God…seriously that thought crossed my mind as I was almost done picking them up…that was like 13.99 in tampons. Great! LOL
lmao!!! too funny kids are great aren’t they…..i totally know how you feel i have 3 boys a 5yrs 3 yrs and 31/2 months. i voted!!!
Three boys! Wow-sa…my daughter, I hope, will cut me a bit of a break…these boys are killing me! lol
My kids have done similar when they were little! Not with tampons but with pads! I was a recently divorced young mother and a friend of mine and I decided to invite some friends (men) over to my palce to we will say entertain, so I told my kids to go wash up for bed whch they did but came out of the bathroom with pads stuck to their feet and went sliding across the kitchen floor! Weeeee!! I was so embarassed, from then on I decided to entertain somewhere else! LOL
I’m still thankful they didn’t find the pads, cause I can only imagine….and this was, for me, the first (and hopefully) last time they have ever gotten into my lady-stuff.
And I’m sooo not sharing your story with them…although I may look into inventing a Pippy-Long Stocking type floor cleaner with pads on shoes…sounds fun! lol
This is GREAT! Boys are too funny. I had a simlilar experience the other day (similair in the play materials) when my 1 year old daughter came toddling down the hall with an unwrapped tampon in her mouth sticking out like a sucker! Just glad I didn’t have any friends over at the time!
And I agree with you on the last comment, at least it wasn’t pads…way worse!
p.s. you got my vote!
Lindsay, thanks for your vote!! And my daughter will eat anything, so I guess I should be happy the boys had the tampons all over the lawn and not where she could get them! And pads would have been bad…real bad!
OMG that was so funny, I hope my 8yr old never does that! Little boys are the same all over the world! Keep up the good writing, best regards!!!