2010 November »

A number of years ago, my cousin, Joanna, attended a gift exchange at work with a group of rather demented coworkers. As she examined a table full of gifts, she believed she was making a safe choice by selecting a gift that was shaped like a DVD. Upon opening said gift, she actually found herself the proud new owner of a pair of men’s extra large thong underwear. Not wanting to keep such a wonderful treasure all to herself, she and her brother chose a random bag at our family Christmas party (which by the way is usually 30-35 people) and secretly dropped it inside. Needless to say, my Aunt Terry was quite surprised to be the recipient of such a gift from her godson (my brother), Michael. The thong then found its way in February out to my cousin, Bob at Stanford in California for his birthday, and back to Delaware that summer when Bob gave my husband and I a lovely housewarming gift (he even put the package inside a larger box with rocks in the bottom to throw us off-which worked by the way).

I ran into a snag with the men’s extra large thong underwear once in my possession, however. No, not because my husband wanted to wear them, but because my dogs ate the box. We found ourselves with a loose pair of men’s extra large thong underwear, so I devised a plan to get them back to my cousin for her 30th birthday.

No great idea is without some sort of sacrifice. I went through some unimaginable visual horrors after Googling ” male blow up doll” to find a male doll that was not anatomically correct, and who would be the perfect model for the underwear.

But after some eye washing, hypnotherapy, and perseverance, I found the perfect doll. So in the middle of Joanna’s 30th birthday party, she opened a giant box with a blow up doll, named Ramon, sporting the underwear. Sadly, Ramon only survived a few years, but don’t be sorrowful, he lived a full life. Joanna made sure to capture many of their adventures on film, and here’s one of her Christmas cards (which are highly anticipated each year by the way):

Joanna and Ramon with a mall Santa. Yes, she took him to the mall and had to ask Santa, in front of all the children, if she and her blow up doll could have a photo with him. Obviously, Santa has a sense of humor.

Even sadder, the thong underwear have fallen into the hands of someone not willing to re-gift (long story), but our family has recently started another holiday tradition in which many people can enjoy thoughtful, unique gifts. For decades we used to all pick a name for a Secret Santa at Thanksgiving and then exchange gifts at Christmas. Although it was a long and wonderful tradition, we tried something new last year. Each family member is to bring a wrapped gift with no tag, and each family member picks a number. We then each select a gift in order based on the number drawn. The next person can choose to select an unwrapped gift or steal a gift from one of the previous opened ones (oh, and a gift can only be stolen 3 times- the third person is the final owner). The higher the number, the better off you are going to be. We’ve done this for two years on my Dad’s side, and once last year on my Mom’s side of the family. I can honestly say that by the end of the gift exchange my sides are usually hurting from laughter. There is typically a pretty even split between “good” gifts and funny (awful) gifts. Here are some of last year’s treasures:

My brother gave the “holiday five pack” opened by my Uncle.

I found a lovely Shot-Gun Santa Doll which was actually stolen three times and ended up with my Brother.

Bob, secure in his manhood, proudly displays his new pink Snuggie.

My Dad wouldn’t have to worry about his hands being cold with his new “Hander-pants” (aka underwear for your hands)

My cousn Amy, in her new hat, kisses her son, Steven, who is sporting the authentic Indian headdress I purchased.

Mom with another Snuggie. There were lots of Snuggies.

So as the Holiday shopping swings into full gear this week, I know many of you will be in search of the “perfect’ gift …and so will I. Our definitions of perfect may just be a little different. My family, on both sides, really puts the “Funk” in dysfunctional if you know what I mean, so I’ve never stood much chance of being “normal.” Maybe you can all help me out though…I need some terrible gift ideas. What’s the worst holiday gift you’ve ever received? Or do you have any different traditions? Do share! I’m really looking forward to this year’s gift exchange and cannot wait to see the treasures given this Christmas!

This post is in memory of Ramon. Photographed here as Joanna’s date for my cousin Christine’s wedding. We miss his especially around the holidays, but he is with us always. RIP Ramon 2003-2007.

Parents often document their child’s first year in a baby book/calendar and some even record the child’s milestones through early adolescence. Each of my own children has a “First Five Years” book that catalogs all the milestones that happen from birth through Kindergarten. The beginning of each book is full of spaces and pages for the multitude of developmental hurdles that babies experience in the first twelve months or so of life like rolling over, crawling, walking, and first words. Years two through five contain a few less pages, however, there is one page that appears for each year that has a survey for the parent to complete detailing the child’s “favorites” for that particular year. Here is what I plan on filling in for Joey (age 5) this year:

Favorite Food: Pizza, chicken (only in nugget form), & pancakes
Favorite Book: Classic Curious George Stories, Where the Wild Things Are, First Encyclopedias (Sharks & Dinosaurs)
Favorite TV Show: Tom & Jerry, Curious George, Dino Dan, and any National Geographic Nature shows
Favorite Movie: Where the Wild Things Are, Up, Wall-E
Favorite Toy: Leapster
Favorite Game: Anything outdoors, Toy Story on Wii
Hobbies: Becoming an “Explorer; Using public toilets, and Embarrassing my Mom whenever she takes me out in public

Case in point, today, as with many days before, taking Joey out into the world proves to be an embarrassing task that leaves me with a certainty this child lives to humiliate me whenever possible.

Jake and I picked up Joey from school this morning for a quick trip to the doctor’s office for flu shots, and upon arrival, we saw another boy from Joey’s class with his brother and Mom also waiting for their flu shots. As I tried to calm Joey, who was now super excited to see a friend, I also tried to check in with Jake clinging to my leg. Jake, who was very upset to be at the doctor’s office for any reason, whimpered a bit and I hurried through the ridiculously long check-in process showing my photo id, insurance card, co-pays, w-2′s, copy of my and their birth certificates, and a copy of my deed for my house. Okay, it’s not quite that ridiculous, but it’s much longer than necessary (thanks HIPA). Anyway, Joeys’ friend asked Jake if he liked the Phillies since he was sporting a hat and jacket with their logo. Joey chimed in that they love the Phillies and the Wilmington Blue Rocks (Delaware’s minor league baseball team). I added that the boys got to a few Blue Rock’s games, but we never made it up to Philadelphia for a Phillies game this year. Joey then exclaims, “I loooooved the Blue Rocks games! I saw the baseball team and ate ice cream and I went to the bathroom at least two times at the last game. One time I peed in the bathroom and the other time I went back and I peed again but I got poop in there too.”

This other mother was laughing quietly while the receptionist was hysterical. I then explained that a year ago Joey would not use any public restroom and now everywhere we go that there is a bathroom, he needs to go and at least pee. Public bathrooms are a big deal now for some reason. I also added that I can no longer take him in public without this kind of random embarrassing banter. This kid’s sole purpose in life seems to be to embarrass me…or at the very least it’s a hobby of his. I suppose that Joey talking about his own pooping escapades is better than him talking about stranger’s weight, handicaps, or skin color.

That’s okay though. I’m saving all the embarrassing photos and videos in a special file just waiting for the first time he brings a girl home. Payback is a bitch…or at least it will be!

Joey, age 5, enjoys playing outside, eating cookies, reading and pooping in public toilets

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A lesson in futility

Laundry-Smaundry

Ode to Laundry

Laundry Haiku

How one pair of men’s extra large thong underwear sparked a family tradition

State your purpose, son

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