Monkeys are cute, but some monkeys also throw poo. It’s true, I’ve seen it. I watch a ton of National Geographic. Anyway, perhaps my daughter didn’t realize that Halloween was over, or perhaps my daughter was still in “character.” Today she did something that she has never done before. She did something that made me gag and want to cry as she just giggled and laughed at me.
My day started as most others do -late and crazy, and to add to this morning’s madness it was also cold and pouring rain. I’ve been struggling to find my motivation to do anything except stay in PJ pants and try to keep the other two kids entertained after taking Joey to school. I surely had no intentions of scrubbing a rug or sanitizing a wall…but that’s what I did late this morning.
I had made the mistake of talking about the weather with Jake and saying we could splash in puddles. I, of course, was just joking around with Jake, but Cecilia didn’t get the joke. All she heard and comprehended was “splish-splash” which is a phrase we use in the tub. She had just gotten a bath at bedtime the night before and because she is now like wrestling an alligator in the tub (especially when it comes to hair washing), I didn’t feel like giving her another bath so soon and so unnecessarily. “I splish!” she kept repeating. “I splash!” she continued to whine. I tried my best to distract her, but she continued for another thirty minutes or so before going over to the corner and reading a book…and pooping. I should have known that’s why she was off alone and quiet.
I swooped her up, and took her over to her down-stairs designated diaper changing area between the foyer and the living room. As soon as I laid her down on the floor and grabbed her diapers and wipes she went into crazy mode, flipping over, kicking legs, and grabbing at anything even close to her. After I subdued the girl, I began the messy cleanup which without getting into too much detail was squished way up her back from all the squirming and jumping around. I lifted her two legs with one hand and wiped up her back with the other having to use several wipes. As I turned, her bare ass and legs still being held in the air one handed to toss the soiled wipes into a plastic bag, she arched her back and I yelled out to her as I almost lost my grip and dropped her back into the shitty diaper.
What happened next still plays in slow motion in my mind which is exactly what it felt like as it happened…before I could realize what was going on, the girl reaches her tiny arm down and grabs the back of her soiled diaper. With her rear still in the air, she pulled the dirty diaper out from under her and flings it in the air. It immediately catches the wall and baby gate which is just behind her, lingers poo side down to the surfaces, and then plops to the floor. “Ahhhhggggg!” I cried out. This child then reaches her arms above her head in attempt to grab and re-fling her poop. This time I react and drop her down and snatch the diaper. She rolls over and stands, then makes an immediate move for the poop on the wall. “Ohhh! esssssy (which means “messy”) she solemnly stated.
I begin a frenzied clean up tossing the diaper in the bag I had thankfully taken out, and wiping the wall with regular wipes while using my old basketball skills and boxing out my child from the mess. She has enough of being blocked off from her intended target and runs off, diaperless and somehow victorious, into the kitchen and around and around the island. Just as I finish wiping poop off the wall, I hear her fall and begin to crying. As I run in to get her, I nearly slip on the same warm yellow puddle she slipped in. I now remove my pee-soaked socks, pick up the crying baby, and give her a bath.
The girl is now happier than she’s been all day and she just keeps repeating “I splish! I splash!” happily over and over. After I wash and dry her (which takes forever with her long hair), I put her in her crib and listen to her now singing “splish-splash” as a scrub the walls and gate with a Clorox wipes and scrub the rug with antibacterial soap. It then strikes me that this may have been the little monkeys plan all along…
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