Big Ones

I hate when people point out that I have big ones.  Obviously, I’m aware; they are on my body after all.

Although,  I cannot blame my kids for this body condition; unlike many other things that are going wrong with my body such as my Tom Selleck Mustache, gray hair and fine lines/wrinkles, my big ones have been… well, big, for quite some time. I can even recall people speaking, often in hushed voices, about my big ones since I was in my early teens.

At this point, I can’t even tell you their exact size.  To be honest, I’m not sure I want to know. My big ones cause certain people to stare, look longer than I feel is really necessary, and have been the centerpiece of some uncomfortable situations.  On one occasion, someone called an “associate” over to take a look. How awkward!  Are my big ones that noteworthy? Even after I had my children, my big ones have been referred to as:

  • Impressive
  • Well above average
  • Massive
  • Jumbo
  • Colossal
  • Plump
  • Much more voluminous than expected

There really isn’t anything I can do about it now.  They look large whether I’m wearing a turtleneck or a V-Cut.  My big ones appear massive in any kind of light.  Since I can’t attribute this to pregnancy/hormones/nursing, I guess it could have a genetic link.  At this point, even after diet and exercise, they remain over-sized, and I suppose the only way to reduce their girth would be through surgery.

“Here we go again,” I thought.  Today, upon meeting a doctor for the first time, he even took an extra long look.  “I know this may feel a bit awkward, but hold still just a moment longer,” he said as he studied my big ones. My face felt flushed and I felt more than just a little awkward as this so called ‘doctor’ examined my big ones oh so thoroughly. I would have assumed that since he was a doctor (and a man of his age), he would have seen his fair share of big ones, and wouldn’t need to hold such a lingering glance at mine.  Finally, his exam concluded but not before he gently rubbed all over them.  This motion actually made me feel nauseous for a moment.

“I should ask to see this guys diploma,” I thought. “Was such a comprehensive rub-down of my big ones really that necessary?  This guy probably could have made a diagnosis just by looking at me. He probably gets some sick pleasure from getting all up on someone’s big ones like that,” I silently contemplated.  “This guy’s first name could be ‘Doctor’ for all I know.  I wonder where he went to medical school…” but then my inner dialogue was cut short.

“There,” he said pulling his hands away, “you’re all finished.”

“Great,” I said looking at the ‘Doctor’ suspiciously.

“We’ll get the results of your throat culture in a few minutes.  Has anyone ever told you that you should have had your tonsils out a long time ago?” he questioned. “They are some of the biggest ones I’ve ever seen.”

“It’s been mentioned once or twice,” I casually replied.

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  1. Adriana says

    HA! My husband and I were reading this…and he’s like “So, is she going to let us judge the plumpness of them?” and then we got to the end and its “Oh, man!”

    • says

      My daughter says “chest, chest, chest” and points, smacks and pulls at my shirt. I’m sure the day she learns “boobs” I’ll be in public somewhere :)

  2. Lucy Yarden says

    You. Are. A. Nut! And I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! Hahahahahahaha!! You SO had me going!! Thanks, Nut!! Muah!!

    • says

      lol…I figured I’d get a few people…I was sitting in the office, waiting for the new doctor, and KNEW it was coming. My usual doctor, who I see about once every year or two, even when I’m healthy, ALWAYS mentions the tonsils. The way they say it makes me think of boobs…ya know, cause I’m so mature! lol

    • says

      Funny thing about my shoe size (7.5), I’ve been in the same size since 4th grade!! Everyone thought I was going to be a giant. I’m only 5’4″ and just spent a few awkward years with giant feet.

  3. Amanda says

    You really had me going there, I was thinking ‘poor thing I can understand where your coming from!’ once when wearing a yellow top my boobs were called golden globes, but no ones ever mentioned the size of my tonsils!

    Great post

    • says

      lol…might want to steer clear of the yellow/golden tops from now on! I’m a bit chesty too, but apparently my tonsils are much more noteworthy! Thanks for the comment!

  4. Danielle says

    Don’t do it!! I had my ‘big ones’ removed 5 year ago at 28….IT WAS HELL!!!!!
    I would have 10 c-sections instead of having my tonsils removed again.

    Hope the strep goes away quickly!

  5. Rachel says

    Every doctor I’ve ever seen has told me I have “big ones”. Some have even panicked and stared at me as though I shouldn’t be alive and say “…Can you breathe?”

    But in regards to the other kind of “big ones” (which until my pregnancy were not… wondering how long these’ll last)… I worked at a daycare where I got to take care of (among other children) two delightful 3-year-old girls. One of them liked to pretend to breastfeed her babydoll, and what can I say about that? That’s certainly not a conversation I want to have. However, the little girl kept saying “my baby likes when I feed her from my boobies!” which finally prompted the other girl to say “you don’t have boobies!” …they argued about this for a few minutes while I giggled in a corner until the second little girl came up to me and said “Rachel! Tell her she’s not big enough to have boobies!” at which point I suggested we all have a snack. Then they both (for days after) proceeded to ask me when they would have boobies like mine.