I was going to write about this yesterday, but my injury prevented me from doing so…
Technically, this has been a short week. We had President’s Day off on Monday, another snow day Tuesday (also the day of my fall from grace), and Friday the kids are off for an “in service” day. So why did I feel like I had run a marathon by the time I was picking up my son from preschool Thursday just before lunch? Maybe I was still feeling the effects of my fall on Tuesday. Maybe it was the heavy desk I decided to move from one side of my house to the other on Wednesday. Maybe it’s because my husband’s snoring has reached almost unbearable levels or perhaps it’s because the younger two kids have yet another cold causing them to cough, sneeze and toss and turn the last few nights.. Whatever the reason, my body aches and my mind is tired.
So as I pulled in the driveway yesterday just before noon with Jake and Cecilia in the back seat, a front seat full of shopping bags, and snow covering the lawn, it occurred to me that maybe I should leave the kids in the car, run up and unlock the door, and come back to escort Jake and carry the baby. This way, while my arms are full of bags, and I’m fumbling with the keys in the door, no little people are running and falling in the melting snow, or worse, out into the street. Seemed like a smart and simple enough plan.
I grabbed most of the bags from the front seat and left one or two light bags that I could come back and easily manage in one hand while carrying Cecilia with the other. I left the door open and said “I’m just opening the door and I’ll be right back to grab you” to the kids as walked the 15 feet to front door. The heavy plastic bags with two gallons of milk and four bottles Juicy Juice (among other items) dug into my arms. They ached already from moving that stupid desk and shelf and I considered making two trips. That’s when the screaming from the car started.
What the hell were they both flipping out about? Was there a fucking bear that climbed in the open front door and was mauling them as I stood 15 feet away? As I turned to see what the problem was I dropped my keys. “I’m coming right back!” I yelled as I attempted to grab the keys. Several bags slid down and nearly broke my wrists. “FFFFFFFuuuuuuu….” I cried out nearly toppling over. Sweet baby Jesus, nothing is ever simple. Ever.
I managed, to grab the keys, stand up, and turn back towards the door. I assume my son was crying since his sister was screaming, and it’s my assumption that she felt abandoned in her car seat. Holy shit, this is taking much longer than I had hoped. “Alright, guys! I’m right here! I’m coming to get you! Reeeeeelax!” I called out.
It took a huge amount of effort to open the storm door which I kept propped open with my ass, and even more to lift my sore and weighted arm to the lock on the door. The key slipped off the lock and on the second attempt slid right in the lock. Victory! “Kids, I’ll be right ….garble! Garble! Blah! Pftf!”
What just happened? My face was burning. I couldn’t see. My arms couldn’t reach my face. Instinctively, I dropped the heavy bags and grabbed at my face. The cold, wet snow now stung my bare hands too. It took me a moment to get my breath back and realize what had happened. Did I get hit in the face with a dozen snowballs? Did I fall off the porch into the snow? Or did the 42 degree temperatures, sunshine, my commotion and yelling out to my kids cause a giant sheet of snow to slide off my roof and land on my fucking head? Yes, yes. It was the latter of the three.
I saw stars…literally. My head was wet, my face felt like it was burning, and I no longer heard the cries of my children. Was I deaf now too? No. Apparently, my youngest two kids saw what happened and just sat in stunned silence. I managed to open the front door, left all the bags on the steps and went to retrieve the kids. Jake just stared at me, and didn’t even try to run through the snow. He just marched right up the walk, stepped over the bags and went into the house. The baby clung to me as we made our way behind Jake, and just before I set her down inside she reached out and touched my wet hair.
They immediately went to play and I grabbed the bags from the front step one by one. For a final smack in the face, one of the gallons of milk had broken and spilled all over several other bags and the front step. Awesome. Thank God at least the kids were safe in the car while I was hit by the avalanche.
The rest of the day I popped Motrin, drank Coke, and even ate 2 mini Snickers bars to cure my headache. I also went to bed two hours earlier than usual, and today with winds up to 60 mph, I’m not taking any chances outdoors. I’ll be hanging out inside the safety of my home lest a house drop on my head.
I must have said this line from “The Hangover” a hundred times yesterday: