Butt Fingers

I didn’t just wake up one morning a total germ freak.  I’m a product of my environment.  I developed my chronic hand washing/sanitizing as a result of seeing some really disgusting and foul things over the years.  Now that I’m a Mom, and my kids are still young, I’m battling to keep them healthy in a dirty, disgusting world.

Just so you understand, and don’t judge me too harshly, here are some of the reasons I am why I am:

If you’re new, you may have missed the incident last year where I was trapped in a car and forced to pee in a Huggies Size 6 diaper (you can read that one here).  Now, had I just used a public rest stop bathroom, I wouldn’t have had this problem.  My issues with public toilets had been building for quite some time, but one incident that occurred when I was twenty really sticks out and was probably one of the biggest contributors to my public toilet phobia.

I went on Spring Break with three of my roommates to Cancun, Mexico.  On the next to last day of the trip, I was so drunk and dehydrated that I drank melted ice water from a beer cooler at a bar.  Genius right?  The last day of our trip (and for another three weeks after) Montezuma had his revenge.  Long story short, our plane was delayed going home and the airport was under renovations.  When I finally located an open bathroom, there were only two stalls.  The first door slowly creaked open to reveal a clogged poo and pee filled bowl that made me gag instantly.  I stumbled backwards and felt a shift in my own bowels that was the only thing propelling me forward to the next stall.  I bargained with God, swearing never to drink again of this next toilet was workable, and cautiously approached the door.  After the door opened far enough for me to see the only other available toilet, it revealed a horror my brain could have never comprehended before.  The seat…the seat….I’m sorry this is hard for me even now….the seat was COVERED in pubic hair.  And just so we’re clear, I mean the entire seat was covered in HUNDREDS of short, dark and curlies.

I remember standing there just totally sick, hungover, and tired staring at the seat for a minute. Then I began to cry.  My mind couldn’t comprehend what could have taken place in that stall.  It was one of the worst things I had ever seen, and if you’re a believer in post traumatic stress, I’m telling you I had it after that.  I’ve never looked at a public toilet the same way again.  So what did I do?  I cried a while and I stood in the bathroom holding my stomach and wishing I was back in the States. A friend said she’d stand guard and I could go in the sink, and then a stranger came in with the same travel related illness.  This girl was either crazy or a super hero, but either way she braved the pubes and the crabs I was sure were there too, and wiped the seat down.  After she cleaned and used the toilet, I layered about 7″ of toilet paper on the seat but still hovered, praying my ass wouldn’t catch anything from being within 3 feet of that previously furry seat.

That was just one incident in a foreign country’s airport. Surely, my experiences here would be better?  Or not.  I worked for years in a corporate setting, with various levels of management, and I can’t even begin to count how many times while using the bathroom at work, that I would hear a toilet flush and then the door open and close. These people just wipe, flush and walk right out of the bathroom without washing their hands.  These nasty people, many times slipped in and out without revealing their identity.  Who were they? Who knows…was it the person using the copy machine or fax ahead of me? Maybe.  Were their shitty hands punching the same buttons I would be using?  Were they hitting the elevator buttons and then heading to the cafeteria?  Were they handling the cups and sticking their poop-ridden hands in the ice (don’t even get me started why someone’s bare hand need be in the ice machine)? Perhaps.  Were they someone in a meeting who would shake my hand? Could be.  So when coworkers would tease and joke with me about my hand sanitizers and Clorox wipes, I would always smile and laugh too, but who knows, maybe they were the ones not washing and then carrying on with their day happily spreading shit (literally) around.

Bad news for some folks was if I caught them trying to leave without washing, I would say something.  Not embarrassing for me; they’re the nasty ones. Anyway, my point is, I’m like this because of the things I’ve seen time and time again.  I’m like this because every time I see something I thought was the worst possible thing I could see (like the pube toilet), someone does something worse.

Without further delay, I give you the worst possible thing I could see someone do in public. I’m pretty sure I would go postal on this lady if I saw this.  (If you watch Tosh.0, you probably saw this on last week’s episode. If you don’t watch Tosh, and you are easily grossed out, don’t watch this nasty ass-digging lady who could live in your town, pump from the same gas pumps, shop (and handle) the same produce, share the same library books, etc, etc, etc).

Tosh.0 Tuesdays 10pm / 9c
20 Seconds on the Clock – Dingleberry Season
tosh.comedycentral.com
Tosh.0 Videos Daniel Tosh Web Redemption

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Comments

  1. Ugh, just got goose bumps thinking about that clip. Blech….

  2. I am so disgusted and just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I never knew how nasty people could be–especially women–until I went to college. I had a roommate who used to pile her dirty, smelly panties under her bed along with USED tampons–I kicked her out of the room and told the RA to find her another place to live. Yuck.

  3. GROSS! I should not have read your post or watched that clip before eating my breakfast. I may not eat at all today.

    • Sorry about that! i should have put a warning up…and I may watch this every time I’m craving bad food…or any food. Sure to kill anyone’s appetite….except for this lady. Ack!

  4. Amanda Schuler :

    Your stories make me laugh uncontrollably. Don’t get me wrong you do have a special gift for story telling but, I think the reason you are so funny is that we all can relate to you. When I read your blog my brain flashes memmories sometime I would like to have forgotten.
    Please keep up the hilarious work!!
    P.S. I knew women were gross but it THREW me over the edge when I found out that some women think it is okay to pee on fitting room floors. COME ON LADIES (I use the term loosly)

    • Thanks for the kind words, and I’m glad you can laugh along with me…I am sorry for the flash backs though!

      And dressing rooms have always given me the willies. Once I saw a turd (like diaper sized) under a bench in my room, but the mystery stains on the carpets, the lighting, and the knowledge that people come in the room, undress, and do God knows what else scares me to death. But peeing in a dressing room….mystery stain solved!

  5. I just threw up a little in my mouth, thanks for ruining lunch today, no really thanks.

    • Sorry! I tried to warn you before you played the video…and future advice is not to read any posts that are called “Butt Fingers” or along the same lines…I try to give you a heads up in the title. Hope you recover for dinner!

  6. please. pass. the. brain. bleach.

    that is all.

  7. Video not available “from your location!” Wah!

  8. I found your blog on TopMommyBlogs.com and I’m a new follower. I love your humor and how you stand out with bitter honesty and openness. :) I also have a blog and would love it if you would like to follow me as well. http://www.fwmomtalk.blogspot.com

  9. OMG – I am speechless. Is that show for real? yep, still speechless, although it seems there should be something to say other than eewww. And of course, sorry about your Mexico experience. I just blogged last week about a very funny how to use toilet sign I came upon in New Zealand, but now, after reading this, the sign makes a bit more sense. I think they needed it in your Mexico bathroom. (I linked my name to the post if you are interested.)

    • The show finds the worst of the worst videos out there….sadly, whether they air it or not, these people are out there! Ack! And Mexico was a LONG time ago, 12 years, but I’ll remember that horror forever. And thanks, I’ll be checking out your post!

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