I ran a post last month titled “Toddlers vs. Assholes” where we explored how some behaviors, when exhibited by a toddler or young child (we’ll say under 8yrs old), are considered appropriate because of their age. When you take these same behaviors and imagine an adult doing these same things, you’d probably agree and say the adult in question was a real asshole.
Am I saying all toddlers are assholes?
Am I saying just because someone is four years old they can’t sometimes act like an asshole regardless of whether their actions are considered age appropriate?
Oh, I think anyone can be an asshole….
Many of you gave some really great additions to my first list that included announcing the need to have a bowel movement loudly while eating at a restaurant, bending over while bare-assed after pooping and asking if they were “good” in front of company, and just yelling words like “Boobies” without cause and while in public to name just a few.
Now, as many of you know, I live with three small
assholes children. Whether it be for emotional support or to feel better about my own situation, I tend to hang out with other people that have small assholes children. With so much interaction with little assholes kids, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that my list has doubled since my last post.
As with the original list I’d like to you to take a moment and imagine each behavior acted out by an adult…and what you’ call them:
Toddlers vs Assholes, Part II:
1. Someone who spits chewed food into your hand
2. Someone who picks their nose and puts it on a wall/school bus seat/friend
3. Someone who coughs in your mouth while you are talking
4. Someone who participates in a “farting contest” until they poop in the tub
5. Someone with uncontrollable, flailing legs that kick your car seat for the duration of the ride
6. Someone who unfolds clean, folded laundry
7. Someone who touches/fingers food on your plate without invitation to do so
8. Someone who draws with crayons/markers/pens all over tables/desks/walls/doors/floors/self
9. Someone who pees in the backyard rather than use the socially acceptable indoor toilet
10. Someone who fills up a watering can in the toilet and calls it “helping”
11. Someone comes in your room at 6am, on a Saturday, wakes you up by jumping on your bed and demands that you immediately get up and make them breakfast.
12. Someone starts screaming at the top of their lungs in the middle of the night. You frantically go to find out what’s happened only to be told they are thirsty and want a cup of juice.
13. Someone goes to the bathroom and calls you to come wipe their ass when they’ve finished pooping even though they are totally capable of completing this task on their own.
14. You try to take someone by the hand to guide them in a particular direction and they instantaneously lose all muscle control and become totally limp. You must now drag said person to the place you were trying to go.
15. Someone, even though they can use utensils, throws forks and spoons on the floor and eats with their bare hands. This includes foods like cereal with milk and macaroni & cheese.
16. This same person will often rub their food into the table and chair, throw some on the floor, rub some in their hair, and occasionally on anyone sitting within arm’s reach.
17. Inside voice? What’s an inside voice? The quieter the place, the louder this person talks.
18. You are in a public place such as a restaurant. The time comes to leave and this person throws an epic fit. They scream, they yell, they cry. They demand you stay and refuse to listen, quiet down, oh, and they go limp…again.
19. Someone takes their personal belongings and randomly dumps it all over the floor all around your house. When you ask them to pick up their stuff they ignore you, say something “smart,” or begin crying. You end up picking up their personal belongings.
20. Someone tells secrets, lies, or personal information about you to total strangers. For example, they could answer your door and tell the UPS man that you are unable to come to the door because you are currently busy pooping. There’s no good reason for that.
As I said, this list will surely grow with time…anything you feel should be added? Agree? Disagree? Leave me a comment, I love hearing from you!