I pulled into the empty gas station early Saturday morning and quickly filled up my tank. Relieved that the adjacent ATM enclosure was also empty, I made my way to get some cash. I parked my car in front of what I call the ATM hut and went inside. Just as I put my card into the machine I heard a loud vehicle come to a stop just outside.
I turned around to see an old white windowless cargo van parked just outside the door. I immediately felt uneasy as I looked around the still vacant parking lot through the glass enclosure which was the only thing separating me from this suspicious vehicle parked not in a space, but just outside the doors. The sound of the ATM beeping impatiently brought me back to the task at hand and tried to keep my mind focused as the questions kept popping up on the screen:
CHECKING OR SAVINGS
Why is that van sitting there nearly blocking the exit?
SELECT A DOLLAR AMOUNT
Okay, there’s at least two men in the front. Why are they just sitting in the van? What are they doing…or rather what are they plotting??
THERE IS A RIDICULOUS FEE TO BE MURGLED (MURDERED AND BURGLED) IN THIS ATM HUT. DO YOU ACCEPT?
So this is really happening. I don’t even have any pepper spray on me. I only carried my keys and debit card in here. At least I have my shit kicking heels on; they can try to murgle me in here but I’m gonna take out some eye balls and testicles when I go.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU NEED?
Other than a cop, or some brass knuckles? No, that’s it. Here I go.
GOOD LUCK- YOU NEED IT.
Okay, the ATM didn’t say that last part.
I stood a moment longer facing the ATM, placing the cash and receipt in my back pocket. I positioned my car keys between my index and middle finger, ready to stab at whichever would-be-murlger approached first. I put on my “I’m-fucking-crazy-and-you-don’t-want-any-of-this-face” and headed towards the door. My plan as I opened the door was to walk past the back of the van so they couldn’t pull me into the front. I wondered if I should start screaming as I walked out into the parking lot, or with no one around, if my energy would be be conserved for kicking someone in the balls.
Armed with my keys and crazy face I took my first step out of the ATM hut and had my crazed eyes fixed on the man staring out the passenger side window. Whatever these bastards were up to, I knew after the last three minutes, wasn’t gonna be good. I went to take my second step, the one I knew would be the most precarious, the one that would take me right past the windowless sliding back door of the serial killer van.
Just as my foot, secure in my fabulous leather black boots, hit the pavement the back door of the van was thrown open with a loud and thunderous crash. Although fully prepared for my impending attempted murgle, I yelled out, leaping backwards into a half crouched ninja like stance.
It was then the van exploded with laughter from three men who appeared to be
total assholes painters.
This band of morons obviously sensed my apprehension and thought it would be funny to scare the shit out of me first thing on a Saturday morning.
I paused, flipped off the gang of morons, and got into my car.
Once seated in my car with the doors securely locked I breathed a sigh of relief. Although now I was totally pissed, I appreciated that I would live to write this post. As I sat there a moment composing myself, I resolved to A) not drink as much coffee in the morning B) Start watching less 48 Hours Mystery, 20/20 and Dateline (some lady is always getting murgled on those damn shows) and C) always carry my pepper spray with me to the ATM. It really does no good in my car when I’m being murgled in the local ATM Hut. Plus, it would have totally foiled that van of morons “funny joke.”
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