To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing this letter somewhere in the mountains of northern Maryland or maybe south western Pennsylvania. Geographically speaking there is little to no visible difference as far as the landscape is concerned. I am accompanied on this trip by my husband of eight years and my three children who this July will turn 6, 4, and 2 respectively. It’s hard to say how long we’ve been in this steel cage on wheels. Days? Weeks? Months? My husband assures me it’s been a mere three hours, but I think he’s gone mad. I’m certain my mind is going too. These may be my last coherent words before my mind is totally lost.
I’m sitting in the middle row positioned behind the passenger’s seat, and it is my job to keep the children happy while my husband drives. My children don’t like being confined and/or restrained in one spot for more than a few minutes as often is the case will little children. I knew, however, that this trip was going to go poorly when twenty minutes into the drive the oldest called out, “Are we there yet??”
I think we actually may have traveled through some sort of worm hole or time warp, or perhaps I’ve died and gone straight to hell. The stubble on my legs proves either we’ve been in the car for an extremely long period of time or I forgot my weekly shave. Either way, this is just terrible.
I prepared as much as anyone could for a thing like this. Aside from everything we’ll need if we ever reach our final destination, the car is stocked with as many distractions as possible for the 6+ hour trip. We even made some new purchases: The dual dvd player we bought (plays one dvd on two screens) has proved a blessing and a curse. Sure it’s a distraction, but when have you ever seen three kids agree on any one movie selection regardless of age and gender. I packed some new movies, films which I’m sure are terrible, but at least I haven’t seen them 6,937 times like the other selections hand picked by the children themselves. As of right now, I’ve been subjected to the second half of Toy Story 3 (for the third time in two days), Despicable Me, Happiness is a Warm Blanket Charlie Brown, and now we’re onto Cars (a real classic in heavy rotation since 2006). Given our current course and the speed at which we are traveling, we’re due to hit downtown Pittsburgh at rush hour, so I highly anticipate at least one more movie selection after the current 116 minutes of highly stimulating animation concludes.
We’ve had several near meltdowns, and even though the children just ate before leaving, the constant barrage of questioning regarding when they will eat next and what food will be served, is speeding me towards a meltdown of motherly proportions. Of course there are also smaller grumblings and back talking from “he won’t stop looking at me” to “I’m hot” and “Yeah, well, I’m cold” and my favorite “he’s breathing loud at me!”
The baby is also three hours past nap time and she.is.pissed. If I don’t make it out of this SUV that God forgot it may well be because my almost-toddler murdered me. Randomly and without cause she’ll cry out. As I scramble to determine the nature of her distress handing her juice cups, pacifiers or a toy, she’ll scrunch her face, yell and throw whatever I hand to her. The last time she screamed, I tried passing a pacifier to her which almost immediately came whizzing past my face at a velocity I never would have dreamed possible from a 22 month old. Thank God it hit the handle of the door becuase I’m certain had it hit the glass, it would have shattered. Upon further inspection, I’m sure it bent the metal frame of the door.
As I indicated before I may already be dead. It may have been from a physical assault from my toddler, or perhaps my brain just exploded from listening to the nonsense constantly being spewed behind me from the boys. Although, it could very well be from some of these world class drivers we’ve seen since around Baltimore. We’ve witnessed cars that passed two lanes of vehicles weaving in and out and one point even passed on the shoulder. There was an ice cream truck going 32 mph on the interstate, quadruple lane changes with no blinker and/or other discernible warning, a thousand or so people who were not utilizing the left lane for passing (although Marylanders do this in Delaware too, so I’m beginning to suspect it’s backwards here- slower traffic keeps left, not right), and my personal favorite, “Twinzies.”
Twinzies was coined when a car in the lane next to us would speed up and slow down to match our exact speed. No matter what, this car (van in this case actually) did, they wanted to be just like us. A ridiculous conversation between my husband and I ensued where we imagined the other car saying things like “Hey, how fast do you want to go? Oh, yeah? Me too!! Twinzies!!!” Then we imagined the family occupying the car rearragning their seats and changing clothes to match us exactly. Then they would pull along side us, honk and point and mouth the words “Twinzies!!” at us. This conversation went on for a solid thirty minutes (just about the time it took us to lose our car twinzie), and it was then I realized my husband was nuts. I guess I’ve lost it too since I coined the term. Initially Joe just called them “a bunch of real friggin assholes.”
Anyway, as I sit here and ramble on as I drive through this unending stretch of road taking me up one mountain and down the next, I feel full of emotion. I want you, dear reader, to know that even though I’m sure I’ll not survive, or may already be dead, that you meant so much to me. No matter my situation, whether it be my boys emptying a giant pack of tampons out and throwing them at each other in the front yard, or someone getting poop every where, or even the time they let a stray dog in the house, you…you were always there for me. Sometimes with a relate-able tale to help me feel less alone, or an occasional experience you would share that would trump my own, but no matter what, I felt like you were there with me. You lifted my spirits, helped me laugh through some (funny yet) traumatizing parental moments. No matter what situation I was in, I was not alone.
So as I sit here facing an eternity of driving hell with three now hostile almost animal like little creatures with a husband who has lost his mind, I feel comforted knowing somehow, someway you’re here with me. Perhaps even though I am crippled with despair in this very moment, one day you and I will laugh together and say it wasn’t so bad. Perhaps we’ll sip our wine and say “Hey remember that time you took 3 kids under six on a 6+ hour car trip?” And we’ll laugh and laugh…I hold onto that tightly now as I sit now with tears in my eyes knowing that this trip has not even started and in just a couple days we’ll be in the car doing it all over again. In the case that this is hell and I’m already dead, I guess I should get used to repetition. Either way, pray for me, dear friend. Pray.for.me.
Your friend always,
Susan
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hi!
i love reading your blogs!
we just got back from FL last week… that was a 14 hour drive with a 4 yr and a 22 month old. I thought I died somewhere at the end of Alabama… but i made it through …fortunately/unfortunately… depending on who you were when we finally got to our hotel.
take care!
Megan, I’m going to remember this tomorrow or Thursday when we leave….14 hours sounds much worse than 6! If you made it out, maybe I will too!! thanks for the comment!!
holy crap, that is the funniest post I have read to date from you. I could hardly read it through the tears of laughter. I hope that you are going somewhere fun at least. You will survive!
If by somewhere fun you mean my in-laws in Pittsburgh then yes….if you meant a spa where I could relax and some one else watches my kids, then no.
Glad you enjoyed it….thanks for the comment!
This is fricking priceless! I am roflmao lol and yes I have been there s well. You are a riot s
Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for your comment, Regina!
LOL! Can totally relate to this…
Hope all five of you got to your destination.
We made it, thank you! Now the real trick…making it all the way home!
My personal favorite with my children was… “He’s looking out my window” repeated in consistently more distressed tones until she finally became hysterical. I bought them each a nintendo ds lite…. best. purchase.ever.
They are only allowed to use their ds’s on trips lasting longer than an hour so they look forward to them. I bought them earphones so I don’t have to hear the beeping AND there are games my 3 year old nephew can play.
BUY THEM!
LOL – “He’s looking out my window!” …that’s a classic! Mine haven’t thought of that one…yet! And I’ve been hearing good things about the DS, so thanks for the positive “review” of it…I might have to invest for their upcoming birthdays. It will probably make shorter trips we take to the beach all summer (an hour long) much easier as well. At this point, I’m actually ready to pick some up tomorrow! lol
You will make it through! I drove from Memphis, TN to Grafton, Vermont with my 6 year old. Holy cow I wanted to drop her off on the side of the road! 2 days in the car with her was not fun!
TWO days…..that might as well be two weeks or two months! I’m sure at the very least it felt that way! My six hours (although I’m telling you it was really days and we went through a time warp), was long enough for me!
Oh, man, you just described our drive from NY to Toronto last Feb — but you left out the blinding snowstorm, in which we were almost blown off the road. I will have to re-read this in June, when we plan a summer car trip, to remind myself of the horrors.
You win! Hands down! We’ve done this drive in colder months with snow falling in the mountains and it makes me a wreck for HOURS. Never hit a bad storm though! Hope your trip in June is stress free and quick!
Oh, I LOVE this post! I was laughing out loud at the Twinzies. HILARIOUS. I’m sure you made it, but I know you won’t recover until a few days after you’re back home again. Vacations are NOT vacations with little kids.
Well we made it here in one piece….now the trick is getting everyone to behave and sleep until tomorrow or Thursday when we pack up, head out and do the car ride all over again. I’m hoping to be recovered by Sunday just in time to send the kids back to school Monday. Ugh. I need a nap just thinking about it!
Hey, we are in Pittsburgh right now on a job. I know what you mean about the drivers!
You are such a funny and talented writer, I love reading your posts!
Twinzies!! LOL. Fantastic post. Hope you make it back alive
Hope you survived, sure sounds like a hell I hope never to inhabit, but will likely happen to me in a few years when I too will have 3 kids, similar ages, and be heading to Chicago to visit my parents, 6 hours away. I hope this wasn’t a warning of my future!
There’s a saying that I love, “Your sole purpose in life may be to serve as a warning to others.” That very well MAY be me. You’ve been warned!
What the HELL were you doing in Baltimore????
We go over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge and around Baltimore, then up through Northern, Maryland, a small bit of West Virginia and come up on the South West Side of Pittsburgh. It’s a lovely drive.
“he’s breathing loud at me” <– bwahahaha! I've heard that one this week (and mine are 14 and 11!)
Nooooo! Don’t tell me that! I can’t even think about hearing it for the next decade!
LOL. I cannot imagine how your husband is able to operate a vehicle with such chaos. Don’t you ever just want to open the door and roll out hoping for the best? Dear lord, can’t someone medicate you and the kids? I know that’s unethical but sometimes you just have to pretend everyone would get car sick without the dramamine.
When I was 7, my parents decided we’d move from upstate NY to Orlando. My mom had the pleasure of driving me, my 12 year old sis, and our cat to Florida. For some odd reason no one thought of putting the cat into anything other than a laundry basket. As you might expect, she jumped out of the basket and tried to kill all of us for hours upon hours. We were all shredded by the howling cat. My poor mother missed a highway exit and we ended up on a 6 hour detour. I don’t have a clue how my mother didn’t kill us all.
LOL!! Your poor Mom! And you and your sister too being attacked by the cat!
And my husband has mastered the art of tuning out anyone sitting behind him in the car. He always says the drive “wasn’t THAT bad.” That always makes me want to smack him. It also makes me want to medicate myself so I sleep the whole way. i think without me dealing with the nonsense he might change his mind about the ride being “that” bad!
Oh, and jump and roll….I’ve considered it many times!
Im so with you on this. We take a lot of RV trips in the summer. Sometimes 12+. Our kids are 1, 3, and 5. Our trips average 3 or 4 hours with some in the 6 or 7 hour range.
One time I let my wife drive to get a little practice towing the trailer. Around the 5 mile mark, I made her stop. Not because she was doing bad. I couldn’t handle the kids. It was torture. I would not have lasted much longer without a total blow up.
We have a 16 hour drive coming up soon. I will be driving. Wish us luck!
I should make my husband do it for a few miles too….I bet it wouldn’t take long for him to be singing a different tune either!
And 16 hours! That’s 10 more than we just did and I cannot.even.imagine. God speed! Have a safe, stress free trip! And may the force be with you…and whatever else one might need to survive a trip as long as that!!
Well, we survived our 13 hours in the car. Looks like I was a bit of with the 16 hours. Thought I’d share: 13 Hours
Try 10 hours with a husband, 3-year-old, 10-month-old, and two dogs! Or better yet, try driving from Bellingham, WA to Orange County, CA in two days; in a truck with no A/C; during a 100+ degree heat wave simultaniously occuring in all 3 states; with a two-year-old and two dogs. Oh yeah, did I mention that one of the dogs whines CONSTANTLY if you do not maintain a steady speed.
I love this! It makes me feel like I am not alone in car trip tourture. Our trips from Texas to Kansas have gone from 8 hrs to 10 then 12 then 14 as we have more kids. The last one was with a 3 year old, 1 1/2 year old,3 mo old,and a dog. We do the trip
so much i think the kids just surrender now lol.
I have made the Trip from Texas to Kansas many times by myself and a Toddler. I learned to leave about 4 am. She would sleep till Paul’s Valley – breakfast – and the take her morning nap till past Wichita – lunch. By the time the afternoon nap was over with, we were at Grandmas.
This will be me today!! BUT we live in Northern Ireland and our journey will last at an hour and a half! However it will be no less traumatising for me as the questions about our location (are we there yet) will start approximately 10 mins after the start of the journey. You have my deepest sympathy, I’m so glad we live somewhere so small.
Keep blogging, I love them x
Elizabeth