Coolest Boobs on the Block

Posted by Domestic Diva at 4:41 pm Uncategorized

May 312011

Well, I’m enjoying yet another Mid-Atlantic Sprummer where we seemed to have skipped over the moderate and median temperatures associated with Spring, and have gone from our frigid winter weather right into sweltering heat and oppressive humidity. In fact, as I sit here in my living room with the blinds closed, a tall glass of tropical punch Kool Aid (yeah, I said it), and as close as humanly possible to the nearest vent constantly blowing cool air, the heat outdoors is well into the 90′s with the heat index simmering around 102 degrees.

Over the holiday weekend the temperatures at the beach were not quite as unbearable, however, no one would argue that it was anything other than hot with heat indexes into the 90′s. The occasional gust of wind felt like someone’s hot breath hitting your body, so there was little alternative to cooling off other than taking a dip in the pool, bay or ocean. Having a cool beverage was also a must, and I was alternating sips of my bottled water and pressing the chilled bottle against my face, neck and chest.

Despite my best efforts the heat and humidity left me with a beach afro, flushed skin and the inability to stop sweating. If I had a bikini I would have worn it just in the hopes that less clothing would equate to a cooler body temperature. As we sat roasting on the beach, I was trying to come up with some new ways to stay cool…like an air conditioned bathing suit. Thanks to Google I found the next best thing. It’s the Cooling Water Bikini:

Photo thanks to Oh Gizmo!

Apparently with the Cooling Water Bikini you can enhance your bust and quench your thirst when you fill it with cool water (or wine?). I’m not exactly sure of the mechanics, but I think you’d just need to be conscious of how much fluid you’re drinking from each cup. The last thing you want is to end up lopsided boobs at the neighborhood pool…awkward!

What are your tips on beating the heat this summer? Leave me a comment before I order one of these!

If you liked the post, please take a quick second and vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs. Just one click is all it takes…thank you!

Life’s a beach

Posted by Domestic Diva at 1:47 pm Uncategorized

May 292011

Welcome to the unofficial start of summer. I, and thousands of my fellow beach lovers, took to the roads Friday and headed down to the shore. Although the drive for me is only around 70 minutes, I bore witness to multiple driving offenses on our way south. I was actually ready to kiss the ground by the time we pulled into the driveway.

Yesterday the brief five minute commute to the beach was again stressful and the language coming from my husband was rather colorful. Then, on the way home, less than a mile from the house we were almost hit by FIVE rolling tractor tires that seemed to come from nowhere. After a few seconds we realized some idiot had these huge tires unsecured in the back of a pickup truck and they all rolled out at once while he was driving. Thankfully, my husband was able to stop as they rolled across the road and into someone’s yard. If we had come around the corner just a few seconds later we surely would have been in a serious accident. I was so pissed I called the police.

So as we kick off the unofficial start of summer with my Delaware roads swarming with out of state drivers, and I narrowly avoided quite a few accidents this weekend already, I’d like to repost some old tips and some new ones in a letter I wrote to our visiting drivers who evidently have a different set of driving laws where ever it is that they hail from:

Dear Non-Delaware Driver:

Welcome to our Small Wonder! We aren’t quite the smallest (thanks Rhode Island!), but don’t let our size fool you; we’ve got plenty of attractions that we know you’ll enjoy! Come do some fabulous tax-free shopping at some of our malls and shopping outlets, visit Dover Downs for some Nascar Races, take your chances at our slots and casinos, watch a minor league baseball game, go to the zoo, and perhaps most popular of all, take a trip to southern Delaware and relax and unwind on our beautiful beaches!

Due to our small size, you can even enjoy some of our northern and southern attractions in the same day! Route 1, which is primarily a freeway, runs through all three counties and takes you from north to south in as little as an hour and a half. We are happy to have you visit our state, but do ask that you follow Delaware State Driving Laws while you are here.

For example, here in Delaware, the left lane is for passing, and as the posted signs clearly state in English all along the roadway, slower traffic should remain in the right lanes. It is not okay to drive 15 mph under the speed limit or drive the same speed as the car next to you. Pass the other car or get over; you are causing a significant traffic jam (I’m talking to you Maryland!). Additionally, when you are not utilizing the left lane for passing please stay in the right lane to allow faster vehicles to pass you. This is nothing personal, they may just want to reach their destination before Labor Day. You may also find this would be an appropriate time to use your automobile’s cruise control feature. It is not appropriate to pass someone going 80mph, then to have them pass you minutes later while you are going 60 mph (in the left lane), and then repeat this process several times. If you then see the person at a gas station, do not say, “You again!” and laugh or you might have to listen to a driving lesson and cruise control tutorial at a gas pump. No, I’m not laughing, and yes, I am talking to you, New Jersey!

Here in Delaware we also advise that if you feel the need to pull off the road for any reason, that you pull as far off as possible, and then when re-entering the road, utilize your turn signals and wait for traffic to clear. New York, it is not appropriate for you to pull into traffic moving 65 mph+ without a turn signal and without warning. You may not have realized this, but we all have the right away. You have the right to kiss my …

We also kindly ask that you refrain from reversing down the highway. Should you miss your exit, Pennsylvania, please use the next exit to turn around head the appropriate direction with the flow of traffic. You may find that reading our clearly marked and strategically placed road signs will help you navigate safely and efficiently to your destination.

Lastly, just this weekend we’ve observed the following and ask that you please immediately not do the following while driving here in Delaware:

For the love of God, please do not make a U-Turn over concrete medians in the middle of the highway a quarter mile from the nearest light. Traffic on the other side of the road does maintain the right of way in this situation and the people driving 40 mph behind you will not be anticipating this type of jackassery and may run into you as well.
Please do not seat passengers on lawn chairs in the back of your pickup truck and drive around. We welcome you, West Virginia, but would prefer not to scrape you off our pavements.
There is no need to drive in a Serpentine Pattern in holiday beach traffic without turn signals. No one is shooting at you and no one is getting anywhere fast.
If you observe a large red octagon with the words “Stop” it means just that. It is not opposite day, ever.

So there you have it, just a few differences we’d like to point out so that we can all enjoy a safe and happy holiday. We hope you shop at our stores, enjoy our beaches, and remember we’re now a “hands-free” state (so put the cell phones down)! While you are here, just make sure you buckle up too (it’s the law) and we also request you remove your head from your ass before operating a motor vehicle.

Thank you in advance for your ongoing cooperation.

Gratefully yours,

Delaware Drivers

*All opinions here are my own and do not actually represent all Delaware Drivers (although I bet most would agree). The bad driving examples were real and have been witnessed by me of actual people driving with said state license plates, however, they are generalizations and I do not think that all drivers from those states are “bad” or totally inept…except maybe New Jersey. Just kidding….kind of.

I hope you’re all having a safe, happy and healthy holiday weekend and please don’t forget to honor and remember those who serve our country, especially those who have made the ultimate sacrifice, this Memorial Day!

So what are some of your driving pet peeves? See any horrible holiday driving this weekend? If you enjoyed the post and you’re happy I lived to tell the tale (no thanks to the Maryland driver hauling the tractor tires) then please give me a quick vote on Top Mommy Blogs by clicking the link below, and leave me a comment too! I’d love to hear from you:

Story Time with Susan Presents, “All my friends are dead.”

Posted by Domestic Diva at 6:38 pm Uncategorized

May 242011

Here’s a new segment here called, Story Time with Susan. I’ll be featuring short books or funny excerpts from stories that I enjoy and think you will too. This was inspired by the new book, “Go the F@ck to Sleep” which I pre-ordered and should have to share in mid-June.

Today’s book, All my friends are dead, was an Amazon suggestion based on my pre-order of “Go the F@ck to Sleep.” The story is written by Avery Monsen and Jory John. It’s a children’s book for adults that explores the downside of being everything from a dinosaur (all your friends are dead to a pirate (all your friends have scurvy). A laugh out loud look at life. You can order your own copy at Amazon for less than $10 by clicking on the photo at the top of the page. To listen to the story, watch my narration below:

If you enjoyed the post, please take a quick second to vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs by clicking the link below. Leave me a comment too! I’d love to hear from you…Sweet Dreams!

Who knew?

Posted by Domestic Diva at 9:59 am Uncategorized

May 212011

This is an automated post.

If you are viewing this post, it is because I got Raptured, bitches!

Who knew?!

You may still have time!

Read my last post, 6 Things to do for the Rapture.

It worked for me!

The Domestic Diva had just settled in with some cookies, wine and a pipe awaiting for the post-Rapture looting/par-tay, when suddenly, she was gone. Turns out Jesus DOES have a sense of humor.

I’ll put in a good word for you with JC,

if you click the link once below to cast an automatic vote for me.

I know, I’ll be back down here with the rest of you heathens soon enough.

Clearly, there’s been a clerical error of sorts.

6 Things to do for the Rapture

Posted by Domestic Diva at 10:22 pm Uncategorized

May 192011

As always, it’s last minute preparations for me. Driving down the road just this week, I noticed a billboard indicating that the Rapture was happening this Saturday, May 21st, and as usual, I have nothing to wear! For some reason my mind must have been on the Mayan Calendar, and I thought I had a whole entire year to prepare for the end of days. Turns out, I’ve got to pull it together in just a few days.

So I’ve done some brief and haphazard research into the Rapture, including taking statements made by Facebook friends and Twitter followers too. Based on my limited and unverified information I’ve pulled together a list for exactly how to Rapture (Domestic Diva Style).

1. What to wear? What to wear?

: I posted this on Facebook and asked if it was too formal. Apparently, it’s WAY too formal for a Rapture.

So what exactly does one wear to a Rapture? When I sat down and thought about it, I came up with something a little dressier than Sunday-Best, but not quite formal. When I posed the question on Facebook & Twitter many of you came up with some great ideas too. Only problem is that several more knowledgeable Rapture friends informed me that if you’re going to be part of the Rapture, you are going out the same way you come into the world-nude. WTF? Now, I’m not sure I want to go.

2. Prune the Hedges

Rapturing is a very revealing event. Don’t be caught unkempt.

Okay, settle down. I know I just dropped a bomb on you. If you Rapture, you’ll be naked, and as far as I can tell, it would be inappropriate to ask Jesus to turn out the lights. This is, after all, supposed to be an enlightening experience. So if you’re forced to Rapture in the nude, at least make sure you shave or wax. Personally, I’m thinking of waxing my area into the shape of a cross. Nothing says “I’m Rapture-worthy” quite like pubic hair carefully sculpted into the shape of a holy relic.

3. It’s all about the accessories.

Jesus approved footwear, it's a must

I’ve been meticulously searching through ancient text trying to find out if we have to Rapture in the nude, can we at least accessorize? Okay, I didn’t really, but I did Google it and didn’t find an answer. I’m thinking an Easter Lily in my hair, perhaps some nice classic pearl earrings and matching necklace and I’ll feel a bit more presentable. And this will be the only time, if shoes are allowed, I’d say I’d wear the Gladiator style sandals (that I loathe). I need to appear as Christ-like as possible, and I’m hoping my footwear will help aide that ~~illusion~~ persona.

4. Don’t show up empty handed

It’s a party! I’m bringing cake! Picture from CakePictureGallery.com

The Rapture is essentially all the worthy and chosen souls being sucked up to heaven before God unleashes a shit-storm of fury and wrath back down on Earth on all the heathens. The chosen will be partying it up in heaven, and I’d never be caught dead showing up empty handed to a par-tay. In this case I think I’d again go with a holy shape, the cross, in the form of a cake. It’ll be difficult to coordinate who’s bringing what with so many people, but I think JC will be taking care of the bread, fish and wine (holla!), and I figure even if others bring cake too, can you really ever have too much cake? I think not.

5. Don’t forget to R.S.V.P.

“In the midnight hour, I can feel your power…just like a prayer, you know I’ll take you there”

Okay, okay I know that chances are, I did not receive an invitation to the Rapture. I am a little irritated though because my husband got a letter in the mail from Jesus warning him of the upcoming end of days. What am I? Chopped liver? 13 years of Catholic School and I couldn’t get a postcard, text, email, or something? Apparently, there is only a select (and rather small) chosen few. However, with all the symbolism in the Bible, perhaps there really isn’t a set number. Also, what if you can repent and be saved? Even though there’s a lot of “fire and brimstone” talk in Revelations, maybe God will be in a forgiving mood. So basically I’ve got less than 48 hours to R.S.V.P. and let God know I want in. Can it be done? Probably not, but it’s worth a try.

6. Be ready to meet your Maker

Apparently, the end of days doesn’t happen right away, but shortly after the Rapture. We have a little time, so if your holy friends get sucked up into heaven and you’re left on Earth in the nude, with trimmed pubes, fabulously stylish shoes, and holding a cake, worry not! The rest of us will have a post-Rapture party, try to repent, and hope that when Christ has a second coming, he has a sense of humor. I like to think he will, and I hope the Bible’s got it wrong. Like maybe instead of unleashing a fury upon those left behind, he says, “Just kidding! You all just got punked!” Seriously, I’m hoping to meet this Jesus:

Buddy Christ

In the event you want to give me a Bible lesson or tell me I’m a sinner or something, save you’re breath and go prepare for Saturday! I’m not for YOU to judge. In the event you have a sense of humor and you enjoyed the post, you can vote for me below with just one click…and leave me a comment fellow heathens!

10 Bad Father’s Day Gifts

Posted by Domestic Diva at 10:42 pm Uncategorized

May 172011

Well, after the Horrible Holiday Gift Guide and Bad Mother’s Day Gifts, it seems only fitting that I found some equally awful gifts for the Dads in your life. This, of course, is especially true if you actually received any of the products from either of those lists. So if you’re looking to get back at someone, want to show someone how little you care, or are perhaps looking for gifts to avoid, please enjoy the following:

1. Kleen Stride Shoes. Did some jerk buy you Mop Slippers from the Mother’s Day Gift Guide? Well, here’s the male version of those shoes! Have him do some sweeping of his own and apparently there is even an attachable plow. Purchase on Amazon for under $10!

Kleen Stride Shoes for the douche Dad that bought you "Mop Slippers" for Mother's Day

2. Head Spa. Just like Mom deserved something more than a serial killer “rejuvenating” face mask, Dad should get something better than this too. The head spa is, well, ridiculous. If Dad deserves a massage, you can probably get one at a nice spa for the same cost as this poorly rated item. Plus you’ll save him from looking like a tool, unless that’s you’re goal, and if so, purchase here on Amazon.

Dad looks so relaxed in his new Head Spa.

3. Flair Hair Visors, Bandanas, and accessories. Is Dad suffering from hair loss? Or should I say, are you suffering from your favorite Dad’s hair loss? Do you miss his lush locks? Do you love visors and bandanas? Well, allow me the great pleasure of introducing the Flair Hair Visor and Bandana. Now Dad (and you) can enjoy thick, natural looking hair in the latest styles (as seen in The Jersey Shore). Purchase right from the Flair Hair website.

Looking good, Dad!

Hell yeah, Dad! America!

4. Sex for Dummies book. Okay, buy this book for the father of your children and you’re just a bitch (especially as a Father’s Day gift)…but you got balls if you do! This may, however, make a great gift for your ex.

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

5. Beer Belt. For Dads who love beer and hate getting up to get a refill. This fashionable belt holds bottle OR cans. Bonus!

Stylish and convienent.

6. Chest Hair Toupee. There’s just something about a hairy man that drive (some) women wild. But what if the father of your children is one of those hairless varieties? Should you rub his chest with hair growth creams? Maybe, but that could get expensive. Try the Chest Hair Toupee…can also be applied to backs (if you’re into it).

"Yeah, baby!" said in my best Austin Powers voice.

7. Wiener Roasters. Maybe I’m being presumptuous, but I don’t think Dads are gonna dig this one. Personally, I think it’s funny, but I can’t picture my husband firing up the grill and roasting some wieners on these grill accessories (UPDATE: Thanks to Toni R who found a web address to purchase these http://www.roastmyweenie.com/Roast_Your_Weenie/home.html):

Cooks wieners to perfection

8. Denim Underwear. Thank you(?) Jezebel for bringing this gem to my attention. Maybe instead of the “Sex for Dummies” book you can spice up your love life with a pair of these…and why not? Men buy women lingerie all the time! Or maybe the father of your children likes to go commando in jeans. OR maybe you can’t afford a vasectomy and you’re tired of the man fathering children with you. These denim wonders are sperm killers fo’ sho!

Nothing says sexy like denim boy short underwear. Nothing...

9. A little privacy please! Dads need some privacy too, and just like Mom, this is not what they are talking about. At least I hope it’s not…but if it is, apparently it comes with a matching hoodie- cool!

Top Secret.

10. The Sweat Heart Sweet Shirt. You love the father of your children and you just can’t stand to be apart. Well, snuggle up with your sweetie in the sweat shirt built for two! How romantic! Dad.will.love.it.

For the romantic Dad...or the Siamese Twin Dad...either one.

I hope this list will inspire some fabulous gifts for Dads this year. I know it’s a little early, we still have a few weeks left, but women (unlike men) tend to shop early. I didn’t want any of you to miss out on these unique gifts!

What do you think? What are you getting Dad this year? Leave me a comment and if you enjoyed the post, take a quick second and vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs. Just one click of the button below and it casts an automatic vote for me. Thanks and happy shopping, ladies!

What’s bugging you?

Posted by Domestic Diva at 6:14 pm Uncategorized

May 142011

Friday the 13th started as most others did. The chipper chimes of my phone’s alarm annoyed me from my slumber. I begrudgingly turned on the shower and began the start of another day. This morning, in addition to being unlucky because of the date, would prove to be another busy day between schools, shopping, yard work (we expanded my garden an extra 5×20 ft), and doing some stuff for the website. At least today there were no volunteer hours or field trips which seem to take a valuable chunk of my day right out from under me.

As I lathered my hair, I thought about yesterday’s field trip to one of Delaware’s State Parks, which truth be told was more like a swamp, with Joey’s Kindergarten class. Although it was a rather short trip, just under three hours in all, the kids managed to squeeze in a lesson on the importance of trees, a quick craft, a walk through the nature center, a walk around a pond (swamp), followed a trail into the woods and finally grabbed a picnic style lunch.

When I dressed Joey that morning I put him in long pants even though the temperatures were forecast to climb in the afternoon. I choose similar attire, and as we walked through the woods and I spied patch after patch of poison ivy, I knew I made a smart decision as far as the apparel was concerned. Although, I did forget hats. Aside from the fact that ticks (and Lyme’s Disease) are prevalent here, I would have preferred an extra barrier between my head and any other creatures. I also skipped perfume and lotion, yet still managed to come come with no less that a dozen mosquito bites. I’m hoping not to be the state’s first confirmed case of West Nile Virus because I saw some of these massive blood suckers as they began feasting on my flesh. These winged beasts looked like something out of the Jurassic Period.

Anyway, I was ready to jump out of the shower when I remembered another day warm temperatures laid ahead so I broke out my shaving cream and razor and began shaving my stubbly legs. This daily shave (above the knee even) was really the only bad thing about warmer weather that I could come up with as I went up the back of my right leg and did a half turn to reach the upper part of my thigh. Just because it’s not an easy reach I looked back to be sure I covered the massive area. last thing I need is a tuft of leg hair sticking out of the back of my shorts (although it might camouflage the cellulite at least).

Ah, I had missed a spot and as the razor took the hair and cream away I saw a tiny black spot. I brushed the spot with my finger and it was smooth and slightly raised but didn’t come off. As I contorted further to inspect this freckle perhaps, it moved…and when I say it moved, I actually mean the spot crawled.

I opened my mouth to scream but no sound escaped. I then proceeded to leap into the air, however, with my body already oddly contorted I slipped and began falling out of the shower. I grasped at the liner which stopped me from tumbling out of the tub but it did tear right through the plastic where three of the rings were. That was the furthest thing from my mind though. I needed to find the creature that was on my leg. I calmed myself as best I could and tried to re-assume my previous position. I was too panicked to hold that twisted position so I quickly sat in the tub and flipped my leg over.

It was there, through the unrelenting spray of water still coming from my shower head, that I saw the tick positioned inside a dimple just south of my right ass cheek. Oh the horror! The tick had just begun to bite, and perhaps my fatty thigh, although most likely appeared delectable to the tick, was not as easy to grab so I was able to pull him off with little effort.

Being a large child trapped inside an old Mom’s body, my eyes welled with tears as I washed the tick down the drain to his watery grave. Oh, were they all over me? Where had it come from? My afro? Not caring about the time, I rinsed my hair and repeated my earlier wash. About half way through my wash I saw another on my arm. “I’m infested!!!” I cried out to no one.

This tick was even easier to remove and unlike his friend had not bitten me as of yet. “See you in hell,” I told the blood- sucker as I sent him to the same watery grave as his friend.

Needless to say, I’ve been freaking out for more than a day. My hands are constantly feeling my scalp for any abnormalities (I know, I know. The real abnormalities are beneath my scalp). I feel buggy. I feel gross. I have a growing hatred of nature. I’m left wondering what will kill me first- the Lyme’s Disease or the West Nile Virus? Then this morning I pulled a tick off of Jake who didn’t even attend the trip. It had bitten him right on middle of his chest. I’ll be checking his chest and my ass for redness and or red rings for the foreseeable future, and if this creepy crawly feeling doesn’t go away I may end up shaving my head.

Can you imagine what would happen if a bunch of bugs got into my mustache or worse yet, penetrated my afro?! It would be like a bug party and I'd have to shave it off and just start over. I may be posting bald pictures soon.

Leave me a comment while you’re here!

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Holy crap

Posted by Domestic Diva at 10:20 pm Uncategorized

May 092011

What is it that they say about the third time around? It’s a “charm?” I agree, if by charm they mean it’s a testament to your sanity. I am, of course, referring to potty training.

My first two ~~disasters~~ experiences were obviously with my boys whom I was told, given their gender, would be more difficult to train. After surviving that literal shit-storm twice I can honestly stand here and tell you it would have been easier to eat some coal and poop some diamonds myself than have those two just go on the toilet. After months and months with Joey I sat with him in the bathroom one day and said, “We’re not leaving until you poop on the potty. I’m prepared to sit this one out.” Three hours later he yells “Mom! Mom! I need a Pull-Up or a diaper! The poop is gonna fall out!” Had the kid even been listening to what this process was all about??

As for boys being more difficult than girls, I cannot say for certain whether this is true, or if my other Mom friends at the time saw the defeat in my eyes and heard the underlying desperation in my voice, and therefore told me all boys were a challenge when it came to potty training. Perhaps they didn’t want me to feel like a mother of a failure…because I did.

As I begin this transition for the third time, I pray that boys are harder than girls. This means I should be having an easier time with my 22 month old daughter, but I’m not. Cecilia just started potty training, and when I say that I mean she is still in diapers 24 hours a day, pees and poops only when diapers are put on, and prefers to be read to and sung to while she sits bare-assed on the toilet for what seems like hours at a time. On occasion she’ll try to dip her hands into the big toilet or unroll as much toilet paper as she can before getting caught.

Ashamed, becuase I should be a veteran at this by now, I turned late one night to the internet. Surely, Google would discretely refer me to some parenting websites that maybe could offer some clue into unlocking the potty training secret. Something that would shorten this process and allow me to keep my sanity. So I sat in my living room, logged off of Facebook and Twitter, and quietly typed queries on Google in the dark of my living room praying for a cure (is that the right word?).

It was there in the dead of night, quietly tapping away on my keys that I discovered some of the worst products for potty training. But this, THIS is exactly how they get you! You’re desperate, you’re tired, your knee deep in someone else’s crap and suddenly you see these products and think, “Hey, maybe it’ll work? It’s got to work! Please, God, let it work” and you take out your credit card and before you know it you’re the proud owner of:

Potty Time Gets Plush

This is a plush toy one is pee and the other (you guessed it) is poop. Two things: 1) I am not encouraging my kids to play with poop or pee whether it be plush or not AND 2) If my kid owned this, it would be THE toy they couldn't live without and I'd have to explain to people why my kid's "lovie" was a plush turd

Shit or Get of the Pot

This is not a game. I repeat, this is not a game. Changing diapers is bad enough, I have no desire for my kid to use and then drive their poop and pee around on this toilet on wheels. We can't get through an hour without someone spilling juice, let alone a dirty, full potty- Gross!

I’m Speechless

That’s right, with Poopy time fun shapes, you insert the applicator, and sit back and let the fun begin. You’re kids will love crapping hearts & stars! Because nothing will give them a positive bathroom experience like you shoving a plastic tube up their anus.

Are you in the trenches with me? How’s potty training going? Have any products worse than these? Do you own any of these? Leave me a comment! And while you’re here, give me a quick vote on Top Mommy Blogs with just one click of the link below! Thanks!

An Ode to Real Life Motherhood

Posted by Domestic Diva at 10:19 pm Uncategorized

May 062011

In honor of the upcoming holiday, here’s a short poem to commemorate real life motherhood. It’s one I’m sure Hallmark will be wanting to pick up for next year’s Mother’s Day cards.

Your Mother

Eyes with bags

Boobs that sag

Skin once smooth and tight

Now covered in cellulite

Then there’s stretchmarks, spider veins and the like

All from giving birth to a little tike

Her weight is now distributed in the weirdest of ways

Facial hairs sprouting, along with some grays

The worry lines are the first wrinkles to come

Because this Mother’s job is just never done

A taxi driver, cook, teacher, and a maid

Can you believe your Mom doesn’t get paid?!

The job is a thankless and tiring one

Her body is destroyed when all is said and done

So give her a break and not just Mother’s Day

She works hard but needs some time to play

Let her take a nap, read a book, pour her a glass

Just never ever comment on the size of her ass!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Leave me a comment while you’re here and don’t forget to give a vote with just one click of the link below. I sure do love you Mothers!

Bad Mother’s Day Gifts

Posted by Domestic Diva at 4:42 pm Uncategorized

May 032011

Moms this isn’t a list for you, but for those who are buying you gifts. Forward these to your adult children, husbands, boyfriends, partners or whomever else may be purchasing your Mother’s Day gifts.

So what gifts should you avoid? Well, many women (not this Mama) don’t like household items or appliances, so it’s best to avoid them unless you know for sure the recipient Mom is interested in such gifts. Jewelry and spa days are widely accepted among every mother I know, but keep an eye out for the unusual or unique gifts like the ones below:

1. The Slipper Genie. I love slippers, and I know I just said I don’t mind household appliances (by that I mean Margarita Makers or Blenders for my ~~fruit smoothies~~ Strawberry Daiquiris), but don’t by the Mom’s in your life mops…or in this case any footwear that doubles as a mop. Go buy her some super soft, comfy slippers she can relax and kick back in, not ones to clean your floor.

2. Measuring Tape Belt. Most women would love new accessories. New shoes, scarves, purses, belts, etc. are usually a safe bet. However, most women (especially those who have grown and expelled baby humans from their bodies) prefer not to wear their measurements on their clothing. Any belt that will show the width of a woman’s waist should be avoided. Oh, and if this is a joke, I can almost guarantee she won’t find it funny.

3. The Cuchini. Have you ever tried to give a person hints through gifts? For example, my brother bought my Mom a waffle maker one year because he loves waffles and *hint, hint* he wanted her to cook waffles more. I’ve also bought a coat for my husband, even though he already had one, but it was because the one he was wearing was terrible. Something that’s beyond terrible, even if the Mom in your life needs it is the Cuchini. The Cuchini gets rid of camel toe (see photo below). Even if your favorite Mom wears bottoms that are too small, crotch cutting bathing suits, or tiny hot pants, don’t buy her the cuchini. It’s got to be one of the worst gifts ever.

4. The Wine Holder Necklace. “But Susan, you said jewelry!” This is not what I meant. I love wine and I love jewelry, but spilling wine is a sin in my book, and this is just absurd.

5. Facial Flex. Does your favorite Mom need and/or want plastic surgery? Does she have loose droopy skin? Although I would totally accept Botox as a Mother’s Day gift, you stand a good chance of insulting Mom by giving the gift of a face lift. Also avoid products that claim to workout facial muscles. She’ll still have saggy skin and she’ll look like an idiot.

6. Treadmills, Gym Memberships and Shake Weights. Even if the mother in your life complains that she needs to lose weight or get in shape, please do not buy her any kind of weight loss equipment, gym membership or get in shape quick product like the shake weight. It’s almost always a no, no.

7. Portable Speaker Shoes. Does the Mom in your life love music…and shoes? Well, look what I found over at Ladies Gadgets…no wait, don’t.

8. Privacy. What Mom doesn’t want a little privacy? This, however, is not what your Mom is talking about.

9. Rejuvinique Face Mask. Unless your Mom is a serial killer, perhaps your money would be better spent on buying her a facial.

10. This might belong with the exercise equipment, but it’s so ridiculous and I am personally familiar with this, so I gave it its own number. My Mom owned this workout VHS. She never would do the video around us, and I just hope to God we didn’t give it to her as a gift.

So go get that Mama you love some bling, a day at the spa, a gift certificate to her favorite store, but whatever you do, just be good to your Mothers and don’t get them anything on this list…

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