As always, it’s last minute preparations for me. Driving down the road just this week, I noticed a billboard indicating that the Rapture was happening this Saturday, May 21st, and as usual, I have nothing to wear! For some reason my mind must have been on the Mayan Calendar, and I thought I had a whole entire year to prepare for the end of days. Turns out, I’ve got to pull it together in just a few days.
So I’ve done some brief and haphazard research into the Rapture, including taking statements made by Facebook friends and Twitter followers too. Based on my limited and unverified information I’ve pulled together a list for exactly how to Rapture (Domestic Diva Style).
1. What to wear? What to wear?
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- I posted this on Facebook and asked if it was too formal. Apparently, it’s WAY too formal for a Rapture.
So what exactly does one wear to a Rapture? When I sat down and thought about it, I came up with something a little dressier than Sunday-Best, but not quite formal. When I posed the question on Facebook & Twitter many of you came up with some great ideas too. Only problem is that several more knowledgeable Rapture friends informed me that if you’re going to be part of the Rapture, you are going out the same way you come into the world-nude. WTF? Now, I’m not sure I want to go.
2. Prune the Hedges
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- Rapturing is a very revealing event. Don’t be caught unkempt.
Okay, settle down. I know I just dropped a bomb on you. If you Rapture, you’ll be naked, and as far as I can tell, it would be inappropriate to ask Jesus to turn out the lights. This is, after all, supposed to be an enlightening experience. So if you’re forced to Rapture in the nude, at least make sure you shave or wax. Personally, I’m thinking of waxing my area into the shape of a cross. Nothing says “I’m Rapture-worthy” quite like pubic hair carefully sculpted into the shape of a holy relic.
3. It’s all about the accessories.
Jesus approved footwear, it's a must
I’ve been meticulously searching through ancient text trying to find out if we have to Rapture in the nude, can we at least accessorize? Okay, I didn’t really, but I did Google it and didn’t find an answer. I’m thinking an Easter Lily in my hair, perhaps some nice classic pearl earrings and matching necklace and I’ll feel a bit more presentable. And this will be the only time, if shoes are allowed, I’d say I’d wear the Gladiator style sandals (that I loathe). I need to appear as Christ-like as possible, and I’m hoping my footwear will help aide that illusion persona.
4. Don’t show up empty handed
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- It’s a party! I’m bringing cake! Picture from CakePictureGallery.com
The Rapture is essentially all the worthy and chosen souls being sucked up to heaven before God unleashes a shit-storm of fury and wrath back down on Earth on all the heathens. The chosen will be partying it up in heaven, and I’d never be caught dead showing up empty handed to a par-tay. In this case I think I’d again go with a holy shape, the cross, in the form of a cake. It’ll be difficult to coordinate who’s bringing what with so many people, but I think JC will be taking care of the bread, fish and wine (holla!), and I figure even if others bring cake too, can you really ever have too much cake? I think not.
5. Don’t forget to R.S.V.P.
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- “In the midnight hour, I can feel your power…just like a prayer, you know I’ll take you there”
Okay, okay I know that chances are, I did not receive an invitation to the Rapture. I am a little irritated though because my husband got a letter in the mail from Jesus warning him of the upcoming end of days. What am I? Chopped liver? 13 years of Catholic School and I couldn’t get a postcard, text, email, or something? Apparently, there is only a select (and rather small) chosen few. However, with all the symbolism in the Bible, perhaps there really isn’t a set number. Also, what if you can repent and be saved? Even though there’s a lot of “fire and brimstone” talk in Revelations, maybe God will be in a forgiving mood. So basically I’ve got less than 48 hours to R.S.V.P. and let God know I want in. Can it be done? Probably not, but it’s worth a try.
6. Be ready to meet your Maker
Apparently, the end of days doesn’t happen right away, but shortly after the Rapture. We have a little time, so if your holy friends get sucked up into heaven and you’re left on Earth in the nude, with trimmed pubes, fabulously stylish shoes, and holding a cake, worry not! The rest of us will have a post-Rapture party, try to repent, and hope that when Christ has a second coming, he has a sense of humor. I like to think he will, and I hope the Bible’s got it wrong. Like maybe instead of unleashing a fury upon those left behind, he says, “Just kidding! You all just got punked!” Seriously, I’m hoping to meet this Jesus:
Buddy Christ
In the event you want to give me a Bible lesson or tell me I’m a sinner or something, save you’re breath and go prepare for Saturday! I’m not for YOU to judge. In the event you have a sense of humor and you enjoyed the post, you can vote for me below with just one click…and leave me a comment fellow heathens!
ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL!!!! I LITERALLY HAD TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE WITH THIS ONE! It’s right up there with your sons playing with your tampons in the front yard. Keep ‘em coming!
Ahhhh, The tampons in the front yard. A day that will live in infamy around here. That day alone should have earned me a Rapture spot! So glad you enjoyed the post! thanks for the comment & reading!
Gracias, mi amigos. Super, Dooper, Funny, Honey!,,,,,
OMG!!! I think I just peed a little, I am laughing that hard. You are awesome
Glad you liked it, Mandy! Thanks for your comment- see you at the post-rapture party I assume
Hilarious suggestions but I’m most disturbed by the cross cake with the creepy set of many, many teeth at the bottom.
I was considering making my own cross cake, but I’m calling a bakery tomorrow. I don’t have the proper tin, or the time…I’ll ask for it minus the “teeth” though!
Unfortunately your list doesn’t help me very much. Except #6 of course. As a Catholic I am going to be Left Behind to face the Zombie Apocalypse for the next year and a half. The good news is there will be no one around to say, “I told you so.”
Rachael. Being prepared is key. Here’s something from the Center’s for Disease Control on how to prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse. God speed. http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp
I love you.
that is all.
lol! Good thing, cause I have a feeling you’ll be here with me for the post-rapture par-tay!
I love how snazzy Jesus looks in that picture with His fresh keratin treatment! No wonder He walked on water–didn’t want to ruin His blowout! LOL
LOL!!! Although, probably inaccurate, one of my more favorite depictions of JC. I like to think he’s a cool cat.
i just died reading this!!! and i was just talking about this too… you’ve eased my anxiety a little.
thankyou
Don’t worry Megan. If you don’t make the cut, there will be plenty of us around for entertainment! Glad you like it & thanks for the comment!
I think I just peed a little! LMAO! This was my favorite blog so far!!! I’ve got a lot of work to do before the rapture party. Hope to see you there! Ps. I love that jesus pic!
Glad you liked this one….a small part of me thought, “Maybe you shouldn’t post this, Susan.” Then I remembered I’m probably on the shit list already anyway!!
Does the salon have any Rapture waxing discounts/sales?
Am I the only one with an earworm of Blondie’s “Rapture” ?
That alone may make me be left behind.
Hahaha! I should have included a Rapture playlist….might as well go out to music. Although, no matter how good my playlist is, I’m probably going to be dancing in the nude holding a cake. I don’t think I’m one of the ones leaving tomorrow
Laughed my way through this post. So I say good bye now. What I read says that it will all start with a giant earthquake here in New Zealand in just a few hours. I am trimmed and ready. Going to bed with a cake by my side. If the Mayans are correct, we can party for another year.
God Speed, Rhonda! Thanks for the laughs! But I have a feeling we’ll be speaking again soon!!
Glad you enjoyed the post!
Now, I’m really choking on laughter! So glad I won’t be left here alone with humorless souls!
I think that the group that’s left will be pretty kick-ass!
Glad you enjoyed the post!
they’ve all gone with the Rapture, soooooo its gonna be one hell of a post-Rapture party down here, what with the more interesting people getting left behind
damn funny.
Thanks, Jane! Glad you liked it & thanks for the comment!
That was simply brilliant….I’m still laughing
We may not be laughing tomorrow, but at least i know there will be a funny group to hang out with! Thanks for the comment!
absolutely hysterical and right on! Sharing on Facebook. Too good not to:)
Glad you enjoyed it, Heather! thanks for sharing too!!
Love it I’m once again laughing out loud at your posts!!
Thanks, Tiffany….let’s hope we’re still all laughing tomorrow! I figure I’m screwed already…this post was juts the icing on the cake!
Man the Jews get left out of EVERYTHING! Sucks for us. Personally, I’m going to take it upon myself to go straight to the source and ask why I’M not invited to this party to end all parties. Hold on. I just have to walk out the front door to ask. Jesus is right here… cutting our grass. But I’m warning you…he likes to be called “HEY SUS”.
Since JC was Jewish, I would think you all would be included, right? But, even if the Jewish people were included, I’m not 100% sure you’d make the list either. Ask Hey-Sus for me. Either way, I’ll be talking to you on Sunday I’m sure.
Yeah. I think announcing my new found Paganism may have been a bad move…in hindsight.
I think you are hilarious, and I appreciate your outlook. Everybody’s getting a little too anal about the “rapture” and “2012″. Its nice to be able to LOL about it.
Thanks, Debbie….what will be, will be. Not much to fuss over….besides, I think the end of the world crap has been going on forever. Maybe one of these days they’ll get it right, but I’m not betting the farm on it. Thanks for your comment!
Very funny. I bet Jesus liked it too. These people that come up with rapture days, etc., it’s all horse shit.
I think Jesus thinks most of what “those people” come up with is horse shit….and therefore, I like to think he liked it too!
Thanks for your comment!
You are to much! Here’s my question though if we are all going out naked how are the clothes gonna come off?? A strong wind or something? If I had know this I would have tried harder to lose weight.
Thanks for your great blogs!
Thanks, Danielle. I wish i knew! On some of the “rapture info” websites they just show piles of clothes laying around. Maybe you get beamed up or something like Star Trek? And I would have practiced my “fasting” as part of my repenting and to help me look better if I get Raptured naked…but I just found out yesterday! All that money my parents spent on Catholic School and I didn’t even get all the info…good luck tomorrow!
ROFLMAO!
Thanks, Mary! glad you liked it….good luck tomorrow!!
You are seriously hysterical! I LOVE reading your posts and couldn’t agree with you more… there is never too much cake, even at a rapture party!
I was hoping the salon would have a Rapture special on waxing. I wasn’t sure if your technicians sculpted into shapes or not either. So glad I’m still here!
And I’m glad you agree! No such thing as too much cake!!
Thanks for the comment! I’ll be in to see you guys in a couple weeks!
Is that mu Holly from Taos. go girl. Call me about the TV.
HEE-LARRY-US!! Best thing I have read in a long time. You are the best! I think you need to do this…I’m pretty much set on doing it myself….
http://eatliver.com/img/2011/7280.jpg
I did it!! LOL Just for my own enjoyment though….I should have left some clothes crumpled by the mailbox or something though!
Thanks for the comment & glad you liked the post!!
DD – i luv luv luv this post. even tho the rapture didn’t happen YET as proclaimed sooo many times, there will all ways be a next . . . so thanks for helpin me get prepared. i jest purchased a “hey sus” shaped cake pan off of e-bay so that we can set up a hole figurine cake table!!! my next mission purchase will be a “virgin mary” shaped cake pan so that i’m all inclusive for the catholic folks.
KARI – layin clothes n shoes out by the mailbox IS the absolutely greatest idea that i’ve ever heard. hahahahaha!!! i’ve picked out the perfect outfit for the next “rapture” so that all my other heathen friends n family will be totally freaked out . . . thanks sooo much for the idea!!!
This is the most Hysterical Post I’ve read in a long time, have to say I hope your not one of the ones to go we would miss these posts!! Gotta sharre this one – Thanks for the laughs
If there was a Rapture, rest assured I’ll be here on Earth! So glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the comment!
Oh, and for sharing too!
hilarious!! I love reading your blog! Thanks for keeping me smiling!!xo
Thanks, Tara! Glad you enjoyed the post!
And I got the rings today- gorgeous!!! Thanks again!
I’ll be at Disneyland – hoping the Rapture makes the lines shorter
Silver lining! Love it!!!!
It’s 7:09 on Saturday morning, and nothing seems to have changed. This makes me think that a very, very, VERY small group got sucked up to heaven for the party with JC. All that pruning the hedges and wearing those hideous gladiator shoes for nothing! Oh well.
I’d imagined how wonderful the world would be if all the right-wing, conservative, Bible-thumpers really HAD been sucked off the face of the earth (as one might vacuum up ants). So much more equality and harmony! Guess we’ll have to wait and see if the Mayans got the correct “save the date” memo.
LOL!!!! I saw one of those “unmotivational posters” that had people getting sucked up into the heavens and it said, “Jesus Christ! I thought they’d never leave!”
Oh what a world it would be!
Thanks for the comment
hahahahaha!!! that’s the best yet!!!
I love you!
I said on Facebook 15 minutes ago – so no one got Raptured eh? And was immediately corrected by someone stating it’s ‘scheduled’ for 6pm Eastern time.
Well, DUH. My bad.
Someone forgot to inform the Malaysians what time it should be. We’ve been waiting all day! (I’m in Malaysia and it’s almost 22 May!)
LOL…..Well, it’s 8:31pm here and I haven’t officially been Raptured yet. Seriously, this is like the worst rapture ever!
And I LOVE the Charles Shultz quote, “Don’t worry about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia!” So fitting when Rapture adheres to one’s time zone. lol
I can’t wait to party with the zombies. It will be just like Thriller, right?
If there are zombies, I’m probably screwed. I have watched a total of two zombie movies ever, never fired a gun, and tend to panic pretty easily.
Although, if it’s like thriller, I’m digging out my white glove and getting down MJ style!
Thanks for the comment!
I read that the rapture was to begin on Christmas Island and we’re hearing that they are all accounted for. I am seeing quite a few empty cars though and I remember seeing a bumper sticker a few years back that read: “In Case of Rapture, This Car Will be Empty. …. so I think that, in order to participate, we are supposed to sit in cars. Maybe it is being postponed due to high gas prices.
Hahaha! I think you may be onto something! Cause it’s now 8:31pm EST and I’m still here.
Now I’m all trimmed up with no place to go….figures!
Thanks for the comment!
HI-larious! You made me cry – and pee a little! Enjoy the Rapture…I’m sure you’ll look damn good!
Worst.Rapture.Ever.
I got all done up – cake and all. Yet here I am. Go figure! Thanks for the comment!
Apparently I’m very late for this party. But wait, wasn’t the party cancelled? Oh well, I just found your blog today and I must say, you are hilarious!
Back to the rapture, my Southern Baptist upbringing, which I have since overcome, taught me that at the rapture our bodies will be glorified, aka perfect. And I’m counting on that … ’cause otherwise, I’m not going to be naked. I’ll just take my chances here on earth.
Not late at all, and I hear the party wasn’t cancelled, just postponed….I think it’s October now
Glad you found me…especially if our naked bodies rapture “perfect”…that’s a huge weight lifted! (As if I have anything to worry about)
I’m just reading this now as I am fairly new to your blog! To freaking hysterical!!! I especially love your plans for grooming! I will be seeing you all at the post-rapture party! I’ll bring the wine for those of us left behind.
you are my hero! i’ve been reading a lot of your blogs(found you off circle of moms) and you are hilarious! keep them coming!
I doubt Id have seen you at the rapture ( I took way too much joy in the passing of my hateful, racist,spiteful mother in law. Im pretty sure that they will just dig a chute when I die and ship me off to hell.) but Im glad that you were ready! That was hilarious! These days humor makes a big difference. Thank you for sharing your writing talents with us!!
OMG! I love Jesus and not sure about rapture but YOU are HILARIOUS! Please let me know when next rapture should be so I can do these things.
So inappropriate, I was trying hard not to laugh! But, this is hysterical!
My Mom says I should watch for lightning bolts….she’s probably right. I’m banking that Jesus has a really good sense of humor : )
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I’m planning on being in the first rapture wave, I’m sure you’re invited, it’s just lost somewhere in the gubment black hole…..on the other hand, in the off chance that I don’t see you at the gates, as soon as I get my pass, I’ll head straight to the big house and talk to God myself. I’ll just explain that your earthly humor was attempting to bring joy to those who were being persecuted in America by having Obama in office, I’m sure he’ll understand and send for you immediately!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Love it. This is my to do list for the next rapture. Immitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Hilarious post!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!
LOL!!!! Freakin Hysterical!!! Love it ! Although I was a bit disappointed that this guy was wrong and think that we should have tarred and feathered him naked in the middle of times square! Then he got my hopes up again saying ” Ooops my bad! I miss added! Its really October 21st!” YIPPEE !!! My birthday! and hey guess what JESUS is coming to my party bitches! Well guess he didn’t get the save the date because he never showed ! such a disappointment really ! I mean how do you tell everyone Hey Jesus is coming ! and then you are left there telling everyone at 11:59 Wait for it …. Wait for it …. and nothing happens. Its kinda like your first time when you are like ” thats it ?” Ok I’m rambing but I just have to say LOVE this blog and think it should be #1 on that mommy thing! who gives a shit about cloth diapers when you need to know what to wear to a Rapture !
kissy kissy <3
I just stumbled onto this post just today so I’m way way late for everything. It is so IRREVERENTLY FUNNY! And yes Jesus has a sense of humor. You can count on it
Oh my!!! Laughed so hard I cried! You are hilarious, girl!!
Loved this!!!