A phobia is defined as an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something. Key words there being extreme and irrational. I’ve always been prone to make a big deal out of things, and a fair adjective to describe me would be dramatic. So when I say there are things in this world that scare me, know that what I am trying to convey is that there are things in this world that simply terrify me.
I got to talking to a friend about one of my phobias, and then I began listing a few others. By the end of the conversation my friend was in tears and giving me a referral for a shrink. Some of these irrational fears I’ve conquered while some I battle every day. So, in the event that of you thought I was even a little sane, here’s some of my irrational fears (or are they?):
1. An Appearance by the Virgin Mary
I’m a recovering Catholic, which I’m sure I’ve mentioned before. I attended church every Sunday as far back as I can remember, and I attended Catholic School beginning in Kindergarten and continued until I graduated high school. After seeing a VHS (or BETA) movie in elementary school one day where the Virgin Mary appeared to some children I began to fear that the Mother of Christ would appear to me and make me deliver a message or do something holy. I would try to fall asleep as fast as I could each night in order to not see Jesus’ Mom in my bedroom. While most kids were afraid of the “Boogie Man,” I was afraid of a divine visitation. When I told my own mother about this one day, all she could say was, “Boy, you sure think highly of yourself.”
2. The Birthing Doll
This crocheted catastrophe is my newest phobia, and it’s been terrifying me since last week when Babble posted an article with this Birthing Doll. Pediophobia, the fear of dolls, isn’t exactly what I have, but I couldn’t find an exact match for the extreme fear of a knit doll with a super bush and scary boobs with another doll that resembles Bert from Sesame Street coming our of her crocheted crotch. Perhaps even more terrifying is that these dolls go for $200 a pop. This thing is so bizarre to me, I can’t imagine a use for it other than terrifying people like me. Special thanks to my friend Blake who said it looks like the thing from the movie, The Ring. It will be chasing me in my sleep some night very, very soon.
3. John Quiñones & the “What Would You Do” Crew
I’m not as nice as I may seem on the internets. I have very little tolerance in real life for ignorance and stupidity, and I have been known to express my opinion to complete strangers that are acting like douche bags. My fear here is that John Quiñones and crew would stage a scenario with people doing ridiculous stuff (as they do every week on the show), and I would be filmed telling off an actor playing the part of some average asshole. This of course would undoubtedly embarrass the hell out of my parents (and probably my husband too), and the whole world would know what a loud mouthed bitch I truly am.
Is Octomom contagious? Is her condition hereditary or could any Mom develop this at any time? A person with this level of crazy terrifies me. If there was an Octomom vaccine available (FDA approved or not), I’d take it. Three kids, each two years apart is challenging enough. I can’t imagine eight at once.
5. Mall Santas
My parents have photographs of me crying, screaming, reaching for the safety of their arms while I am being held (against my will) by a mall Santa. I remember the panic I felt, and I still get the creeps around these…creeps. I hate malls Santas. I fear mall Santas. My kids have never sat with a mall Santa.
Don’t leave me hanging here all exposed….what are you afraid of (and not the normal stuff like death or flying)? Leave me a comment with the good stuff! And if you liked the post, or want to help me get help, click the link below which casts and automatic vote for me! Thanks!