This time of year I have flashbacks…triple flashbacks. You see, all three of my kids were born in the month of July each two years apart. This may come as a huge shock to most of you, but I made a horrible pregnant person. Think of the most swollen, cranky thing imaginable then throw in real fun stuff like hyperemesis gravidarum (that’s a fancy medical term for excessive vomiting in pregnancy which required multiple hospitalizations, daily medication, and even an IV at home. Oh, and that was all three pregnancies). With all three kids I think I endured three of the hottest Spring and Summer months in the history of the Earth. Anything that came close to a pregnancy “glow” for me was either because I had just puked or because of my size and resulting persistent sweating. That’s really the abbreviated version too (I also had bleeding, back problems, gestational diabetes, and some blood pressure issues among others ailments).
It should come as no surprise that I was counting down the days to delivery. Nine months had never felt longer, and at times I felt so bad that I took it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day until my time had come. As each pregnancy came to a close and labor commenced, however, I noticed a progression of emotions.
1. Denial: Labor begins. You would think I’d be popping the figurative champagne, be jumping up and down (if not for my massive size & the laws of gravity), and would have been running to the Maternity Ward, but that wasn’t the case. With both of the boys my water broke at home yet there was still some doubt. Was I ready for this? Can I do this? Am I really ready to pass a human through my body? This can’t be happening already?
2. Anger: It may seem pretty cliche or like something right out of a sitcom’s delivery room, but with each of my kids I had some fleeting anger towards that man who did this to me. I looked at him envious as I labored through, well labor, and he sat in the chair next to me and ate Combos. Then came time to physically push a human from my body and he was going to coach me? Oh, no thank you. You may have gotten me into this, but I’m clearly the one getting me out of it.
3. Bargaining: The first time around the bargaining began just as the nurse told me it was time to start pushing. Should I be having a C-Section? I’m really not sure the physics of the situation are correct. I’d been doing some calculations and thought there was no way this 8lb baby was going to fit through the allocated exit. I desperately wanted to trade places with anyone in that room and would have given just about anything to be able to do it. I asked the nurse, the doctor, and anyone who came within thirty feet of my room if I should actually be signed up for a C-Section? Someone call the OR and get me on that list God dammit! Or call someone who can help me! I’ll give you anything you want! Name your price!
As the baby crowned I remember thinking, “With all our technology how is there only two ways for this kid to get out of my body: ripping through my vagina or having this butcher doctor slice it out of my abdomen? Is teleporting a reality? Can’t we beam it out? Someone call Captain Kirk before this kid does what I think he’s going to do….”
4. Depression: Oh, and he did do exactly what I thought he was going to do. Yes, he made it through the allocated exit but not without leaving me ripped to shreds. At the last minute my doctor was called for an emergency and I was left with Doogie Howser, OBGYN. Moments before giving birth I yelled out to the twelve year old standing between my legs, “I want an episiotomy!” to which I got the reply, “I don’t like doing those unless necessary.” Just as I began to give a rundown of the calculations I have been doing of the size of the baby, my estimations of the exit, I was hit with the final contractions and Joey was born.
As they cleaned him off and were checking him just a few feet away, the doctor proceeded to give me 18 stitches to hold my insides in, and I was overwhelmed to say the least. It felt like I was ripped in half. After the “doctor” sewed me up a nurse held a mirror and made me look at the remnants of my lady parts. Was she a sadist? In retrospect, I think so. At the time I believed her reasoning which was that I needed to see where the stitches were and what it looked like so if I had a problem , I would have a reference. Mustering all the courage I had left, I peered down at the reflection of the monster in the mirror and felt a sense of deep despair. My whoo-whoo now looked like a what-what…
5. Acceptance: Just as I was about to throw in the towel, they brought my baby over and placed him in my arms. It was at that moment, looking at my new born son, becoming a Mother, I forgot about all the pain and even that my body was split in half. It was never more apparent that all the sickness of the last nine months, all the doubt, all the worrying, all the pain, was worth it for this very moment. Truly, nothing worth having comes without sacrifice and even after all my troubles, I’d never trade a second of it for any of my kids.
Can you relate? What kind of experience did you have? Was it a breeze or a nightmare? Leave me a comment!
Please take a quick second and vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs. Just one click of the button below casts an automatic vote:
Happy Birthday times 3!
My water never broke with my daughter – so the nursing staff shoved a crochet hook up there & did it for her. To which they all proceeded to say “oh!” Apparently Miss Angela poo’d already & had been swimming in it. So they weren’t going to let her cry because they needed to suction that out.
I had an epidural, which was nice since I could look over at the monitor & tell my mom, “heehee – I was having a contraction!” However, it wasn’t as strong as it was supposed to be and I’m sure that the Donor (aka her Dad – who was happily 1000s of miles away on deployment) could feel the hate vibes coming from me.
But then I saw those huge blue eyes looking back at me and all was good!
For the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy with my 3rd (and final) child I was not able to keep anything down. This was not due to nausea, it was because my stomach refused to digest any food. So 10 hours after eating a meal it was still sitting heavy in my stomach. I hadn’t slept for 3 days (literally) when I left for my 35 week OB appointment and my grandmother looked at me and said “Maybe today will be the day!” Yeah right I still had 5 weeks to go. Magically though, I went to the doctor that morning and was 5 cm and he said it was time to have my baby. I do not tolerate pain well so I opted to have an epidural with all 3 of my children. Has anyone else ever realized that the more kids you have and the more epidurals you have, the less the epidural actually works? I felt every pain involved with my last little boy. Crazy enough, he was 5 weeks early, and he weighed 7 lbs 10 ozs. I can only imagine that had I gone any longer I would have given birth to a full grown toddler. If that wasn’t enough, I wouldn’t stop bleeding for like 5 hours after having him and every 5 minutes a nurse had to come in and give me “DEEP” massages to my uterus. Every woman has to go through the massages to an extent, but the deep ones are so much worse than the normal massage. Heck, the massages were WORSE than the labor and delivery. I remember actually crying and begging for them to stop massaging my uterus. I even begged the doctor to give me a hysterectomy to stop the damn bleeding because I just couldn’t handle the pain of the massages. I didn’t get to my postpartum room till 7 hours after I had my son and didn’t get to see him for a couple of hours after that. I quickly decided that I would be getting my tubes tied after living through that ordeal.
Wow, I’ve never known anyone who had hyperemesis but me. I had two kids but wasn’t crazy enough to try for a third. In bed hooked up to an IV, throwing up 7 times a day even though I hadn’t eaten a solid meal in months …. But your right, once they hand you that beautiful baby all is forgotten….well not really cause I still remember the non stop nausea
sorry you had such rough pregnancies. i’m lucky, i had GD with my first. back on insulin and i’m only 10 weeks on the second (and last). i was induced (high bp) and labored for 17+ hours. i was then wheeled to have a c-section. it took two doctors pulling from the inside & a nurse pushing from the outside to get my under 7 lb daughter out. once i woke up (i’d past out from lack of sleep) i saw that she was totally worth it! i’m just glad that i know i’ll be having a c-section with this one.
My son Cody was by far the worst having no epidural and only IV pain killers to dull the pain (dull, yea that’s a joke). My middle on Caelin, changed her mind 3 times resulting in having to go back home, finally the fourth time I went to the hospital I told then I was not leaving with out a kid, and it had better be mine.
My youngest Maura was by far the easiest, the epidural I had worked wonders and I almost slept through her delivery (literally LOL). The doctor and nurse cam in the room at 10 minutest to 8, the door opening woke me up, announcing their presence by saying ” Well I would have thought you would have delivered by now, let’s check and see where you are.” So he checked and instead of giving me a measurement say “Oh there’s a head, let’s see if you can push, I doubt it but let’s give it a try” Like this was some kind of team effort and he wasn’t going to be doing anymore then standing there “catching” I could not even move my legs on my own so pushing was just not going to happen, thankfully she was close enough that she just needed a little help and was born at 8:00 on the dot a full 10 minutes after the doctor woke me up.
I gained 65 pounds when i was pregnant. Besides that it honestly was a relatively easy pregnancy. I, in pregnancy delirium, decided it would be a great idea to head to my inlaws over an hour away 5 days after my due date on jan 1st. Id gone to the dr on the 27th and theyd said i was probably going to be induced on the 4th. Wellll. My water broke there and we sped home and after 18 hours of labor and to many drugs to remember i have birth to a 9lb 13oz “baby”. It took them half an hour to stitch me up.
That is a BIG first baby! And because of my diabetes (and my inability to stop eating Dairy Queen Blizzards ), I gained 60ish pounds with Joey too. And I hope after your labor and delivery you at least got a trophy or metal or something! That’s more than an ordeal!
Arianna, I can totally sympathize! My first “baby” was 10lb 3oz! I swear his foot was wedged in my ribcage from month 7 on.
Bed rest for basically 6 months with #1, and finally diagnosed with SPD (my pelvis loosened about 2.5-3 inches during pregancy and it hurt from the 15th week of prego on..like someone jabbed a ice pick up my whoo-hoo if I shifted or walked). Not only did my pelvis hurt horribly, and until they got a physical theripist to measure how far apart my pelvic bone was the doc’s thought that I was crazy, but within 36 hours (at 37.5 weeks prego) my 7.2lb child decided to flip from head down to a complete frank breech position (we got a video of him changing position and it looks like ‘Alien 3′) which required a c-section. Then he had problems breathing/heart and was air-vac’d an hour away within 24hours to a better NICU. He came home after 9 days and is perfectly healthy.
And we went ahead a did a 2nd baby. Because I am crazy. Still had SPD but was able to manage it and only had bed rest for a few weeks. Second c-section, no problems and a happy baby. And dad & I are happy because we tied my tubes!
First, I laughed out loud at your “because I am crazy” comment. I think anyone who deliberately has more than one kid has to be at least a little!
Sorry to hear about your troubles though…that sounds terrible! I did have “modified bed rest” so I could at least shower, get up to go to the bathroom, etc but it was only for a few weeks. SIX months sounds like a nightmare…glad it all worked out in the end…and in my house Mom is happy, not sure about Dad….I had him “fixed”
Ok, this? Made me snort out loud. My whoo-whoo now looked like a what-what?
So, I had a c-section after pushing for over 30 hours. It was insane emotional trauma. I didn’t care about the c-section, I wasn’t one of those people who wanted a perfect birth. But the fact that I worked THAT hard and nothing happened was so maddening, and then you get to suffer being wheeled quickly to another room and doped up and staring at all these people who have just had you sign a consent form saying you get that all sorts of bad things could happen as a result of this surgery, but it’s their advice you go for it anyway.
All this to say, I’m having trouble dealing with the idea of going through it all AGAIN. I hated being pregnant. I hated being in the hospital. But I freaking love babies. Which is, I imagine, why you would go through THREE pregnancies vomiting the entire time. Which kind of makes me want to vomit on your behalf.
Stephanie the fact that anyone can labor that long and keep their sanity is beyond me. The universe cursed me with terrible pregnancies but blessed me with fast labor/deliveries. And I hear you about not wanting to do it all again (I’m done by the way), and the universe stepped in and took a hand again. My oldest was the only one I tried for….the other two were not planned. I’m so happy i have them now, but I was not planning on going through it again (and again) especially being so sick and having other little kids to care for…glad those days are done!
LOL – sometimes its best to not take these trips down memory lane….i love the part about the mirror
There’s really no reason to relive this sort of thing. It was generally so miserable being pregnant that I have a hard time making it seem funny…hence the lack of pregnancy posts! And I’ll never forget what I saw in that fucking mirror…it’ll haunt me til the day i die. Just like that birthing doll.
Total agreement about the 5 stages! I had terrible morning sickness with both of my kids, but worse with my first though neither seemed to be as awful as what you’re describing. You’re right, you’re kind of a terrible pregnant person, but you got three great kids out of all that pain and suffering. I have no idea why doctor’s think that people want to look down and see all that action. Look there’s a baby coming out of your vagina! Look that bloody mess used to be your vagina! Look this purple blob is the placenta! What kind of crazy people want to see that?
Seriously, Marta….they tried to show me the mirror while I was pushing. Like seeing the aftermath wasn’t bad enough…I didn’t need to see it as it was happening too!
I am so sorry that you had such uncomfortable pregnancies, and painful deliveries. I can definitely relate to the acceptance part. I loved my little guy so much and after holding him the pain was so far away that if I had it my way I would have been pregnant with number two when I left the hospital.
I was blessed with fast deliveries so at least it didn’t take long like so many others I know…but two years in between sometimes didn’t feel like enough time…and I know a lot of other Mothers who said they were ready to start all over as soon as they had the baby (not me though
)
LOL – very funny – in retrospect! as well as the comments.
I make a point of not giving too much information away when expecting friends ask me about my deliveries. Really don’t want to scare them with stories of 2 weeks of contractions etc.
But what we all get in the end makes it all worthwhile!
I had a similar experience with my third, Jo. The last month if I was on my feet, not drinking water, I would have contractions. After several false labor trips to the hospital, the doctor took pity on me and finally induced me! And people who didn’t have the “pleasure” of knowing me as a pregnant person I always just tell them that labor was the easiest part for me (I try to leave out that every day leading up to it was so bad that just about anything -including expelling a child from my body- would have been better!). All worth it in the end (most days-lol)
This is a joy to read because of the shear honesty of it….oh GIRL I can relate!
xoxoxo
Thanks for writing…and absolute excellent read.
Motherhood!! It is amazing after all those months of waiting. Seeing your body grow in different ways. The morning sickness. The discomfort. The labor. The pushing. The episiotomy.
All to be forgotten when you see that little morsel and he is perfectly content in your arms and you melt away and feel your heart grow by leaps and bounds for the little guy.
All is right with the world. It definitely is the hormones or the insanity to even want to do that again!!
I can totally relate to your birth story… You can read about my most recent delivery (my daughter) here: http://themitches.blogspot.com/
gnarly. but TOTALLY worth it. =)
With both of my babies I went a little nutty with wanting a totally drug free birth.
With my first my water broke but I wasn’t contracting (the L&D triage nurse rolled her eyes at me because I pratically skipped up to the desk and annouced that I was in labor) so I was given the lovely pitocen drip. After 23 hours of intense labor (I was passing out between contractions) my doctor decides to check to see if my contractions were strong enough to move my son down. Nope, not strong enough and the dr wanted to increase the pitocen, thats when I threw in the towel and took the epidural, which I only had for 5 hours before I started to feel the need to push and the nurse turned it off. I pushed for 2 hours and during that time the epidural wore off. When my son crowned I yelled out that it felt like my lady bits were on fire and the nurses started singing “Ring of Fire”. To total it for you that was 30 hours of labor, and I signed up for a second round.
With the second baby it was much nicer. I took the epidural 7 hours into labor and had it for a couple of hours and then only pushed 6 times before my daughter popped out. And my nurse cracking jokes the whole time I was pushing.
So after 4 miscarriages I finaly told every one (at 16 weeks) about being pregnant again, then at 26 weeks he tried to come into the world , but a quick stich to my cervix and lying almost upside down in the hospital for 5 weeks prevented that. When my water finally broke at 31 weeks I was in labor for 4 YES 4 days. Finally they decided a c-section would be best ( gee ya think?) Now my beautiful son will be 10 next month happy and healthy and I wouldnt change a thing… love your blog btw!
“My whoo-whoo now looked like a what-what”……I was laughing so hard when I read that. love you.
My sister had a similar story. Constant sickness through the whole pregnancy. I saw the labor video & was shocked at how long & hard she worked. She’s the fittest & most powerful girl I know & yet it seemed like all her effort was not getting any where. It was something like 10 hrs of extremely hard labor. She was throwing up during the labor. Her girlfriends in the room were all crying & saying “Oh, I’m so sorry for you. It’s not supposed to be like this”. Her husband was on deployment at the time, so he missed all that “fun”. The doctor even called her the following week & apologized, saying that they really should have done a c-section for her.
And yet, even after that, she still decided to go through it all again. So now she has 2 beautiful girls. It’s amazing.
My labours were both good. Pregnancies were normal. I puked on and off throughout but never super sick. Just very tired and very cranky and very very emotional! Labour time was good. First one was sortof induced. They have me the cervix softener and that got me going. I did both with no drugs because i was too scared to introduce anything that might make me feel worse ( i’m really sensitive to chemicals) i was convinced that if i took something i would be puking AND in labour LOL. I ripped both times. More the second because my labour room was nice enough to have a clock right in front of me. So i decided i was going to push out my 9lbs 15oz son in 15 mintes or less. I did it in under 10 and paid for it in stitches! I remember telling the DR he was done stitching… when he was only half way LOL. But it was worth it and i love both my labours. They were the hardest most powerful things i’ve done and i’m so proud. and so should everyone else! women are awesome!!
You blog saved me today! Have to share my 1st of 4 birth stories. Had GD with all 5 pregnancies (lost the 3rd babe early in pregnancy) and was on several (up to 10) shots a day….so N., my one and only boy, decided to play possum during a bio-physical profile so they admitted me 7 days before my due date. Induced me for 72 – SEVENTY TWO hours with pitocin! I have the printouts to prove it – I asked for them and they looked at me like I was nutty!!! I’m told them I needed proof – seriously – who does that – SEVENTY TWO HOURS!?!?!?!? After dilating to only 2 ?!?!! the nurse told me I needed to calm down as I was pretty upset at that point. I looked at her and said ” YOU NEED TO LISTEN!” So the doctor jacked up the pit and nothing happened regarding dilation so at the end of the third day at nearly midnight I had a c-section. After that – 3 more c-sections – each with their own story, but this one takes the cake in my book of 4!
LOVE reading your blog! Thanks for sharing all you do!
I’m currently the mother of one ( so far). My pregnancy was a breeze, I felt nauseas for a while and only threw up a few times. Near the end I had some pretty bad heartburn. But nothing a few tums couldn’t cure. I went into labor for 28 hours. I was hoping to go natural but after a few hours and some pitosin I got an epidural. When it was finally time to push, the doctor made a comment saying I’m like a chiauhauha giving birth to a great Dane! (very comforting!) I pushed for 2 hours and my dauhter was finally born at 4 pm. She ripped me completely open so instead of two holes, I only had one! But once I had my dauhter in my arms all was forgotten. It was the happiest moment of my life! Knowing all that I know now I would it again in a heartbeat to have another little bundle of joy!