So I had a conversation with a friend about a baby shower we’re attending. Both of us being slackers, we of course waited to buy gifts and now we have three choices left on the registry: a $600.00 Glider for the nursery or buy her socks and baby soap and look like douche bags. So we decided to put together a huge gift basket from the two of us with a variety of gifts. I said that since our super pregnant friend has a sense of humor we should by her the Go the F@ck to Sleep book for the basket too. My co-contributor on the basket, who wants the gift to be super fancy (cause we’re so fancy), says no on the book. Which is fine….I’ll give it separately. A total must have for any parent, delirious from lack of sleep, sanity hanging by a thread, needing a good laugh to keep them hanging on another night…
Anyway, the conversation of terrible products and gifts came up to which my friend said I should do another post…as if the Holiday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Potty Training and Sex Ed products weren’t enough? Just in case, here’s some of the worst gifts for babies and their parents alike:
1. Peekaroo Fleece Infant Carrier
Do you love the movie, Alien? Did you have a c-section you want to relive everyday? Do you want to use your baby to scare strangers? Well, then this is the product for you! For just $80 on amazon, you can do all this and more!
2. Baby Mop
Now I know it may be tempting to get the whole family involved in the cleaning, especially if Mom owns the fancy mop slippers I featured and Dad is sporting the push broom shoes I also listed, but the baby mop is going to have to be where I draw the line. Again, it may seem tempting, but I’m going on the record and saying the Baby Mop is a bad idea.
3. The Baby Pod
Are you looking for the perfect gift to give the expectant parents who can’t stop worrying about nuclear war/chemical attacks? What about the Baby Pod? It provides clean air, an automatic diaper for waste and a rocking motion to sooth the podded baby. No, really it does. And although it has a super padded protection and could get bounced around and still keep baby safe, don’t even try to check this at the airport. Seriously. Just don’t but this period.
4. Nosefrida Suction Device
I think that there are essential medical items that are great gifts for babies and new parents. Humidifiers, thermometers, etc. A bulb aspirator is something I have used countless times with all three kids when they were little, and the standard aspirator can provide gentle suction without you having to suck the snot out with your mouth as with the Nosefrieda. Apparently there is a filter that prevents the snot from reaching the parent’s mouth, but regardless this is just awful. And unnecessary. And awful unnecessary.
5. The Babykeeper
The Babykeeper. Ah, I don’t trust that plastic hook enough to dangle my kid over a dirty bathroom floor. I’ve also seen some nasty stuff on stall walls that would never allow me to hang my child on them. This just seems dangerous and dirty. Plus my kids would never just hang there, they’d be trying to climb the wall, swinging back and forth. This just seems like a bad idea.
6. Leashes
I personally have never been a fan of kids on a leash, if it works for you that’s wonderful. However, please have the decency to use one where you at least hold the leash in your hand and not the O’Pair Leash System that resembles some sort of twisted umbilical cord. Please.
7. Baby Bangs
Baby Bangs, the perfect gift for the baby girl who has everything…except hair.
8. Neck Tubes
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I saw it on Tosh.0 first, and love him wearing one. For a baby, not so much. This just terrifies me.
For reals.
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You have me dying laughing up here in Michigan!
Glad you enjoyed it Patty! Thanks for the comment!
LOVE this!! I want to gift one of each to preggo friend at her shower next week.
LOL…I’m great at giving bad (or gag) gifts. Hope she has a sense of humor!
Number five reminds me of that viral picture of a baby duct-taped to a wall a couple years ago.
I remember that and yes, it does!
Oh my god! The site with the baby mop, also has the “daddy nurser” “This one caters to all the fathers out there suffering pangs of breast envy. It lets the eager parents strap on breast-shaped feeding bottles and nurse their little one. However, with the creation of the man-bra, this invention might lurk in the fringes of the Chindogu genre.”
Isn’t that terrifying?!?!
As I kept scrolling down the pictures, my gasps got louder and louder. The first one really did make me laugh!! But the last one was horrifying.
What are people thinking inventing these things???
Your take on it makes me laugh! What a mixture of reactions to this post.
I think I saved the best for last…It seems like a terrible, terrible idea! The thought of anyone, other than Daniel Tosh, doing it seems c-r-a-z-y!
This cracked me up! What are some people thinking??
They must not be! Some of these are just nuts!
As usual you made me pee my pants. That fleece is horrifying but the mop could have its uses. I admit to leashes but they are actually stuffed animal backpacks that are exceedingly cute and more often that not are abandoned for my arms. which are very tired. x
I’ve seen the backpack ones, which really, if it works for you and let’s you walk without a fight, I say go for it. This umbilical cord one is …a bit much.
I WANT that leash!! No kidding! Why? Because my kid will be absolutely mortified wearing it and then she’ll actually walk beside me. I did this with my oldest. When they had those plain ugly looking harnesses. He hated it and thought it was ugly. After a month of use I didn’t need it anymore. the ones they have now are too cutesie. This one sort of is. but the whole attach to my side, yep. she’d listen just so she didn’t have to wear it lol
As fo the baby pod, say what?! I couldn’t believe it, and then the answers. We live in a polluted world. that is what smog is. so our children would have to live in it. and then they should makes ones that grow with you. *shaking head in disbelief*
LOL- Now that’s a great reason to buy one of the leashes….I may have to reconsider. And the baby pod…I don’t know what to say.
If the fleece came in flesh-tone, I might be induced (har har) to wear it as a halloween costume. As an everyday carrier – oh HELL NO!
The baby-pod reminds me of the X-files movie – creepy.
If they had a door-hanger thing for pre-schoolers and kindergartners, I’d totally buy it! Of course, you’d come to my house and see my kids hanging from the stair railing while I had a therapeutic glass of vino…
Baby bangs are just creepy. Everybody knows most babies are bald or have short hair – why creep them out with that Baby-Alive look?
Leashes and neck tubes and nasal aspirators Oh MY! Now, if you hooked the leash to the neck tube while wading in the ocean, and carried the aspirator in case of a tsunami dunking, you might have something. Otherwise, just plain crazy.
The baby pod is very X-files! lol
And I think there’s a real market for the Kindergartner hanger while I drink my Vino! LMAO
And we can’t start mixing products…that’s just chaos!
Okay that first photo made me almost spite out my coffee. HILARIOUS!!!! lol
I am still learning
http://jojfamily.blogspot.com/
In the event it is a good product, I think they need some better pictures! It looks crazy here!
So I got the Peekaru, and I thought it was bizarro. Until I tried it. Freaking genius! Seriously, I love that thing! It was SO nice not to have to try to pull a jacket around me and have her wear one, esp when she gave off so much body heat. So I guess I’m gonna have to go ahead and disagree with you on this one.
Maybe it’s the picture then…and maybe I shouldn’t knock it til I try it (although mine are all too big now)…and it did get great reviews on amazon. This lady and her baby just remind me of “Alien”
It’s, by far, the freakiest looking thing I have ever seen. I laughed my ass off when I got it and dismissed it as hippie insanity (I got it from a girl who potty trained her daughter by pulling her rugs up and letting the kid just go when the mood struck…in the house…on her floors).
But it’s seriously the most practical thing EVER! I used it all the time with my baby carrier.
My friends actually got me one of those sweaters for my baby shower…I laughed so hard I pee’d myself which wasn’t surprising because I was 8 months pregnant at the time and well you know how that goes. We then took turns trying it on and again, I had another accident, as you know pregnant women have an endless supply of urine on tap. I’d never heard of the book “Go the F*%K to sleep” but I just looked it up and bought it for my Nook. Too funny.
Agreed. Horrible and who the hell comes up with this crap anyway? However…..the Peekaboo Carrier would be FANTASTIC for a Halloween Costume!!!! Just think of the possibilities! HAAAAAAA!!!!
I might be crazy (Who do I think I’m kidding . . . MIGHT?) but some of these products kind of appealed to me. The first one, because it made me laugh so hard (plus the flesh-tone costume idea) but reading the explanation makes sense. The second, that’s called multi-tasking! Letting your baby play AND cleaning the floor (Besides, if it was a velcro thing, it would keep the outfit clean!). The third . . . if it was good enough to get baby Superman from Krypton . . . who are we to knock it? The fourth . . . NRQ (no redeeming qualities). The fifth, I never knew WHAT to do with my son when he was a baby and I had to go to the bathroom. If the hook is strong enough, and you use a wipe to clean the door… it seems like a great solution to me! Number six, I agree with you. Seven: the bangs are a bit much but I LOVE the cute little pigtails that Michelle Duggar puts on baby Josie (“19 Kids and Counting” – TLC). Number 8: NRQ unless you want a kid that has a neck like a tribal woman in National Geographic! Just my $.16 worth. (WHEN did they take the “cents” sign off of the keyboard??!!!)
This was flipping hysterical! I can’t even pick a FAV as they are all so good… Ummmm… I mean bad! And to think I’ve been sending new parents things like brightly colored tempting prescription pills (to help the new parents catch some z’s) knitting needles (every new mom should take up knitting) and anything small enough to fit into a small oriface (because infants should practice dexterity) boy, I’ve been WAY off the mark!
I love this collection and I completely agree with you, especially on the baby leash. I know some people love them, but they really get under my skin. And that first one, it’s just creepy.
I’m totally with you! Just not for me…or most people I know!
I agree w/ all but the Nosefrieda. That thing is AMAZING and not nearly as gross as you’d think. The snot comes no where close to even the filter, then there’s this huge long tube you’d have to suck it up – it’d be impossible basically. It works so well. Loves.
seriously, some of these products should be outlawed.Baby bangs? Really?
This was hilarious!!!!
[...] and are involving the kids too? Use this (for real) baby carrier Snuggie thing (as seen in my horrible gifts for babies) and stay warm while terrifying anyone you come into contact [...]
[...] Gifts for Dad from my Father’s Day post, Awful Gifts for Mom from Mother’s Day, or Terrible Gifts for Babies for even more awful [...]
A month ago I would have agreed with you, but now I have to say that the Nosefrieda is amazing. My daughter is intolerant of dairy and soy (she’s nursing), but I did not know at first, so I kept chugging down the milk and wondering why she had all these weird symptoms including severe congestion. I had to use the suction bulb on her several times a day, which is not recommended since it goes inside of the baby’s nose. Plus, her snot was so thick and sticky that it was impossible to get out with the bulb. The drainage down her throat was gagging her and causing her to have projectile vomit streaked with mucus! It was horrible, and the suction bulb just left me with a screaming baby still full of snot. I finally bought the nosefrieda despite thinking it was sooo gross, but OMGosh the answer to a prayer. It works a million times better than a bulb, the snot gets nowhere near the filter or your mouth, and she doesn’t scream when I use it. I could not believe how much snot that thing gets out! Now that we figured out the milk/soy intolerance, I have adjusted my diet and her congestion is nearly gone, so we don’t use it as much, but it was sooo helpful for a while there.
[...] 8 Horrible, Terrible, No Good Gifts for Babies (2011) [...]
hilarious, esp. #1. Have to disagree with you about the nosefrida though. Best thing I ever bought for my kids. The thing works soooo well! Saved me some long nights when my baby was all stuffed up. Blows that stupid bulb outta the water!
Rarely do I ACTUALLY lol…but that was hilarious, I loved the one at the end Daniel Tosh does it brilliantly!