Jake is my middle child who has not so patiently been waiting through three other birthdays this month until we can celebrate his on the 31st. He became particularly annoyed with me when I wasn’t able to switch my birthday on the 14th with his. He said, “Mom, I know that you know I really want my birthday to be here. I wish you’d help me out and just trade. People don’t like people who are selfish.”
Jake, who will be four next weekend, is a funny kid. He sees the world in a different way, and has been telling it like he sees it since before he was two. People who spend time with him marvel at his ability to talk nearly nonstop with little transition between thoughts and little need for whomever he’s speaking with to be fully engaged in the conversation. He’s also well known, even at his young age, for being very expressive. He’s a boy who my Mom says will never be a poker player because of the way he wears his emotions right on his face…
Jake, 17 months, clearly loved his Christmas outfit
Aside from being talkative and clever he’s also very impressionable. Truth be told, Jake is an advertisers dream. He recently paid me a compliment : “Mom, did you know there’s smart, and then there’s ‘Kmart smart?’ I’m pretty sure you’re ‘Kmart smart.”
He also threw another ad pitch at me while I was reprimanding him for a ridiculous mess at the dinner table:
Me: Jake, when you don’t eat over your plate, and jump around in your chair, you are getting food all over the table and floor. All this dirt and crumbs will attract bugs.
Jake: Maybe you should start Swiffering more. Swiffer attracts dirt.
Me: Maybe you should watch less television and eat like a human.
Jake (with a mouth full of food and crumbs falling everywhere): You….Swiffer….More.
Jake also is very literal.
Jake (screaming and crying) at the front door as I’m watering the flowers in bare feet: “Moooooom! Oh, no! Mooooom! Get in here! You’re gonna get bear feet! Your shoes won’t fit and your claws will ruin the carpet!! Mooooooom put on shoes!”
He’s also got big dreams for a boy of nearly four. If you ask Jake what he wants to be when he grows up he’ll tell you an elephant, police man or pizza delivery driver. I’m going to try my best to encourage him in whatever he wants to be, but switching species may prove challenging so I hope he forgets that one soon.
Jake is also the kid who is always listening, and as a result of that constant listening will most likely get me in trouble sooner or later. When he was two and a half, I caught Jake standing on the kitchen table. I told Jake that I saw an elf running through the backyard, and that he was surely on his way to tell Santa how Jake was misbehaving. Jake looked me right in the eye and told me how he thought that elf was “a real asshole for tattling.” Then yesterday he told Joey, “Honey Badgers don’t give a shit!” (If you don’t know what that’s from watch this video here- honey badger is friggin hilarious!). Please dear God let this quote fade from his mind before Catholic preschool starts again in a month…
So happy early birthday to my baby boy! I can’t wait to see what you’ll do next! Don’t grow up and change too much this year, I love you just the way you are now!
Do you have a kid like Jake? Always saying hilarious stuff? Leave me a comment! I’d love to hear from you!
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You son sounds adorable. Thank god I am not the only one who has a kid with a mouth like this. Someone cut me off in traffic yesterday. I honked several times and made a not so nice hand gesture. My 5 year old asked, “What happened mommy?” My 3 year old answered for me. “Some douche bag almost hit us!” Hmmm…I wonder where she comes up with this stuff. Must be the Catholic daycare.
LOL….You can’t go wrong having a three year old giving a response for you!! Sometimes I can feel Jake’s response going in a certain direction and I just close my eyes and wait for it. Kid usually doesn’t disappoint.
That Xmas photo is the most fantastic thing I’ve seen today!
I love that picture of Jake. It might be my favorite Christmas picture of any of the kids too. He looks so sad! lol
I absolutely adore that kid! I miss all of you!
My 3 yr old is always flappin his mouth. His most recent incident was when he went to the bathroom. First he says he needs help, so I go in there to help him. He says “I’m pooping mommy-can you smell it?” (he does that all the time). I said “yes, but mommy’s going out to the kitchen until you’re done cuz I don’t want to smell your stinky butt”. I go out to the kitchen for a while and 10 minutes later go back to check on him since it’s taking him unusually long time to go. When I asked him if he was done yet he said “for christ sakes, I’ll tell ya when I’m done”…..and we don’t even have a Catholic daycare anywhere near us
And he loves calling his two older brothers and occassionally his younger brother (yes, I have 4 boys and I’m crazy for it) Jack Wagons when they make him mad…gotta love ‘em!
LOVE it! And I love that you have such a great sense of humor about his use of language. I can’t stand it when moms get so uptight about that stuff. I mean, they are JUST words. Besides, I figure they are bound to hear it somewhere…it may as well be at home…out of their mom’s mouth. You know, so at least they can learn to use the language properly. Just today my 9 year old called my 8 year old an “asshole”. Yes, I sent him to his room. I had to. It’s in the Mommy handbook. HOWEVER, it is my belief that my 8 year old WAS being asshole. In short, the 9 year old used the word properly. Because there is nothing more embarrassing than being in public when your child SWEARS IMPROPERLY. That just totally fucking sucks.
OMG! I love it… you cracked me up so bad i had to find a tissue to wipe my eyes before someone sees me and wonders what the hell im laughing about.
I love your refreshing attitude about words and only wish more people thought that way!
Love the stories! My son has also mastered proper use of swear words. At a surprisingly young age, too. At 2 1/2 he told me he was sitting on his newborn brother’s head beacuse he was ‘pissed off’. Certain I had not heard correctly I repeated “You’re pissed off?” He sighed like I was stupid and said, “Yes, Momma, I’m really angry”!!!
He’s only gotten better as he gets older…
PS, Honey Badgers are Bad-Ass!! That clip is hilarious!
FRIGGEN HI-Larious. thank you for making me laugh. Kids are amazing
My son likes to work the word “butthole” into most daily conversations. I didn’t think my husband and I overused it, but we’re reevaluating
Love this!
Jake sounds awesome! I don’t have any stories about my daughter using bad language – at least not yet – but here are a few funny ones. She’s in preschool right now and they also do a summer camp for older kids. Luckily, the worst things she’s learned from them are that everything’s boring and everything is gross.
A couple of weeks ago we were going out to grab a bite and my husband was driving the car. Our daughter, who just turned 5 yesterday, was in her car seat trying to pull her shoulders through the straps because she was uncomfortable. I told her to stop because it wasn’t safe and I also mentioned that if daddy had to stop the car really fast or if we got into an accident that she would go flying. In a snotty voice she said, “No I won’t. I don’t have wings.”
She also cracked me up one day when she was about 3. We were driving home from somewhere and she was really into all of the different types of vehicles. She saw a minivan and asked me if I liked minivans. I told her that minivans were fine and then I asked her if she liked minivans. She said, “I like Daisy vans better.” It took me a few minutes to figure out that she thought minivans were actually Minnie Mouse vans.
My daughter is a real intellectual too. She learned all of the letters of the alphabet right around the time she turned 3, which was right after she was potty trained. One day after she pooped she got up to look in the potty and said, “Mommy! Look! I made an S!” Sure enough, she pooped the letter S.
Classic! I think that picture says it all. Happy 4th to little Jake!
My son is 6 and almost NEVER used bad language. Which is surprising because both myself and my Hubby have terrible mouths!
Anyways when My son was 6 when where at the Fresh fruit stand that is in front of our house, and he was driving me crazy asking repeating to bring a giant melon home. He doesn’t even LIKE melon! So I kindly told him ” I am NOT buying you that BIG ASS MELON! QUIT ASKING!” The next day when we walked by the fresh fruit market my son innocently said, “wow mommy look at THAT big ass melon!” lol He though that was the NAME of the melon. It was really cute and one of the only times he has sworn lol.
–That Face! That Expression. That Christmas Outfit.
PRICELESS. xx
What a cutie! My son is five and oh, the things that come out of his mouth.
The one lately that cracks me up is his concern over why I’m so much shorter than Daddy. He asks me “What happened? Did you not eat enough healthy foods to grow?”
Wow, I just watched the Honey Bager video counldn’t they have got some one else to do the voice over??? I hope Jake didn’t say it with the accent from the video????
My 4 year old, Kristopher, has decided he has 2 girlfriends, Sami and Jaime (both of which are mommy’s friends). They both know about each other and they play-fight over him all the time and he thinks it’s hilarious. He also says “No balls”, “Pimpin”, “Gangsta”, and he calls his balls “giggleberries”. His dad has a “talk” with me just about every time he drops the boy off at home. I think it’s funny. I don’t necessarily encourage it, but it’s hard to tell him not to say things when you’re laughing at him at the same time hahaha
LOL! Omg I have this kid at home. Thanks for this. Really made my day.
Oh! It sounds like my son and your son may have more in common than their age! Mine told me this afternoon that he didn’t have enough oxygen to finish cleaning up his toys. I think I just may start using that one….
Oh that is precious! I love it. Way more creative then mine telling me “My leg hurts” when telling him to clean as he has sporadic ‘growing pains’ and uses them when convenient. But that is awesome, I too think ima use that excuse next time i don’t want to do something!
Your son reminds me of my 5 year old daughter! her most recent display of words got her into some trouble with Grandpa! we were visiting my mom and dad and after being told to pick up the toys so we could go someplace my dad spouted off with “get Back there and pick up that Sh*t” My daughter stood her ground and looked grandpa straight in the eye and said “It’s not Sh*t grandpa, their toys and I am picking them up as fast as I can. it would be nice if E and S would help!” (E and S are my other 2 kids ages 7 and 3) She then walks back into the bedroom and picks up the toys. about 10 minutes later she comes back out and tells grandpa plain as day “I picked all the shit up now” My dad was completely floored! he didn’t know what to do or say! if it would have been me he would have spanked my butt or washed my mouth with soap! instead he just sat their with his jaw dropped! LOL
yes.i have a 5 year old who always says the funniest things. like when we were going to wic she said,and i quote,”mommy! im gonna show the wiggles my drawing!” to which i replied,”its the w-oh its too cute!”
I know this is an older post, so you may not see my comment, but I’m catching up on your archives & couldn’t let this one go. My youngest, now almost eight, has always been one to call it like she sees it. Her third birthday, she said as she was opening Gramma’s gift, “I can tell I’m not gonna like this one.” I have a great photo of her next to the gift, too.
Just the other day she asked me about a guy at church who wears a handlebar mustache. She said, “You know that man at church with the mustache that goes like this (she draws the handlebars with her fingertips)?” “That’s his nose hairs, right, Mommy?”
I died.
I have never laughed so hard at a small child than when I just read about Jake and the Honey Badger. Thanks for the laugh!