Remember when I told you how I’m now known in my house as Drop Dead Diva? Well, due to what’s ailing me, my big test is finally here. Well, almost here…
Tomorrow morning my Mom will be my lucky escort to my first ever colonoscopy! As I’m sure you can all guess I am super excited. Even though the big day isn’t tomorrow, I still get to enjoy some of the real fun today.
The GI doctor referred to today as a “prep” day to cleanse the system before they go in for a fabulous photo shoot of my colon and surrounding areas. Now, as you can imagine, I am nervous about having my picture taken, and not so excited about the means in which the camera will be inserted, but I’m looking forward to my first ever mid-morning nap in more than seven years thanks to the Versed. I hear that I should remember nothing of the actual procedure, so I’m going to try to relax and hope they get my good side for the pictures.
Anyway, back to the shitty day I’ll be having soon…for my comfort I was allowed to have a couple eggs for breakfast, but no solid foods for me for probably 28 hours or so. Right now, I’m hungry enough to eat an old sock. On the way home from dropping off Jake at preschool I saw a man walking down the road, miles from any fast food establishments, holding a large container of french fries. Upon arriving home I was taunted by the aroma of chicken on the grill wafting through my windows. Sometimes I’m certain that the universe is fucking with me.
However, I do suspect that my hunger will soon dissipate as I’ll be beginning the cleansing at 3pm beginning with a couple oral laxatives. Around dinner time I need to start drinking 64oz of another laxative mixed with the clear beverage of my choice. Pino Grigio anyone? By my normal 9pm bedtime I need to take my final two poopie pills and pray that I don’t crap my pants in my sleep.
I’ve been advised that traveling far from an available bathroom would be a bad idea, so I’ve prepared myself an “essentials” basket for my long night in the loo.
The doctor’s office provided the laxative and were kind enough to throw in some baby wipes and some petroleum jelly (in the event of a sore rear). I’ve added a scented candle, extra toilet paper, Clorox Wipes, pleasantly scented bathroom odor eliminating spray, several magazines, a couple books (including a Bible just in case) as well as the iPad.
So wish me luck tomorrow and send some good vibes my way tonight…either way, it’s gonna be shitty.
Wanna know what happened? Here’s 16 Funny Things I Learned from a Colonoscopy