2011 November »

I can’t decide whether or not you all have a fabulous sense of humor, or you’re all a bunch of jerks giving shitty gifts for the holidays…

Either way, welcome to the 2nd annual Horrible Gifts for the Holidays!

If you’re new here, I suggest reading the back-story to this fabulously awful event, How One Pair of Men’s Extra-Large Underwear Started a Family Tradition. It’s funny how those stringy, blue man-panties were the seeds of a fun family tradition.

Anyway, onto the main event. If you’re looking to give the best-worst gift this year, want a gag gift that will surpass all others, I hope that you’ll consider the following:

1. The Ostrich Pillow. Have you ever had one of those days at work where you just wanted to stick your head, and possibly hands, into a sack and take a nap? Well, have I got the product for you! The Ostrich Pillow provides a cozy, dark, cushioney cave for your head and hands that fits right on your desk! It’s not conspicuous and provides the perfect portable retreat for that much needed mid-day siesta. Just don’t stay in there too long, I’m not completely certain it’s suitable for breathing.

2. Canned Unicorn Meat. Forget Spam! Get some canned meat with some Sparkle! For just 12.99 you can get 14oz of canned unicorn meat! That’s right this magical canned meat has crunchy horn bits in every bite! Made up of ground up wishes, dreams, smiles, magic and more, you’ll taste the enchantment in every bite. Perfect to dip or spread on sandwiches. You’ll be shitting sparkles and farting pink bubbles with this glittery meat. Seriously, I have no idea if this is edible, but I’m telling my kids it’s what I did to the Unicorn that shit on my dining room carpet in August.

3. Jersey Shore Christmas Tree Ornaments. Nothing puts me in the holiday spirit quite like The Jersey Shore. The poofy hair, spray tans, slutty clothes, and FIST PUMPS! Now, that’s what I’m talking about. HSN has this fabulous Jersey Shore 3-piece Ornament Set featuring The Situation, Snooki and DJ Pauly D ready to hang on your tree. Perfect, they say, for fans of the show, the soulless, and perfect for the person who has everything. All for just 24.95!

4. The Daddle. Traditional rocking horses are so boring! Thank goodness there’s the Daddle! That’s right, Dads (or Moms), get down on all fours and have some real fun with your kids. This saddle is soft, washable and a great way to interact with kids ages 2-6. All for just $55!

5. Clip on LED Lights for Glasses. Do you know someone who likes to work in the dark, has poor vision, and wouldn’t dare wear something as ridiculous as a head lamp? Well, why not try out the stylish and functional LED clip on Lights for Glasses! Super bright LED lights will really brighten someone’s holiday!

6. Essential Travel Reserve a Spot in Heaven Kit. Remember all the questions I had about The Rapture? What to wear? What to bring? Well, had I known for the low price of just $14.79 that I could reserve a spot in heaven, I wouldn’t have stressed at all. With your purchase you’ll receive an official Reserve-a-Spot-in-Heaven reservation certificate, an official Reserve-a-Spot-in-Heaven identification card, their informational guide to help you navigate your way (no GPS required here), and the best part about this product…it comes with a 100% money back guarantee if your reservation is not accepted! source.

7. Limited Edition Talking Honey Badger Dolls. Okay, I’m going to be honest, I love honey badger. I wish I could be more like honey badger, but I bet there are lots of people who wouldn’t appreciate such a terrible gift. Is that Lucy Lawless enjoying wine with hers? I have no idea where to buy a Limited Edition Talking Honey Badger Doll, but if it’s real somebody better buy me one!

8. Bacon Cologne. Now I love bacon as much as the next guy, probably more actually, but is this taking it too far? Well, I’ll leave that up to you. For just $36 you can smell like bacon grease all day.

9. Chum Buddy. Know someone who is terrified of sharks? Well, next to immersion therapy and getting them in a shark cage in the ocean, this is the best thing. The Chum Buddy sleeping bag/body pillow, available at Sears for the low, low price of $608 at the time of this post, can accommodate up to a five foot victim, I mean, sleeping person. Perfect also for scaring the hell out of young children.

10. The Japanese Snuggie. Giving the Chum Buddy a run for it’s money is the Japanese Snuggie. Forget the standard Snuggie…don’t even mention the newer Forever Lazy products, this bad boy takes the cake. The problem with those other products is that your arms get cold. This wearable sleeping bag will keep you warm and cozy to -20 degrees. Okay, I’m not sure if that last part is true, but this guy sure looks snug! Source.

So what do you think? Still need some more terrible gifts ideas? Go back and read my Terrible Gifts for the Holidays from 2010, or find terrible Gifts for Dad from my Father’s Day post, Awful Gifts for Mom from Mother’s Day, or Terrible Gifts for Babies for even more awful ideas. What can I say? The internet is full of ~~shitty stuff~~ treasures!

Would you like to give or receive any of these gifts? Leave me a comment and let me know!

Are you feeling the rush already? The Holidays seem to be sneaking up earlier and earlier …partly because Santa’s jolly rear is popping up in store displays around August, and this week I saw that there are several major retailers opening Thanksgiving night which is insane to me.

By 9pm on Thanksgiving, a time when several stores will be opening their doors, I’ll have a full blown case of the turkey sweats and expect to have a blood gravy level of at least .2%. There’s no way, no matter the deal, that I’ll be out fighting for parking spaces, standing out in the cold, with a bunch of crazed deal hunters.

Aside from shopping, this is the time of year I dread when it comes to our annual family photos.

I have such good intentions and try so hard to get some great shots for our Christmas cards, but always end up with…well, just watch this quick video. These are my actual cards from 2007, 2008, 2009 and 2010.

This year I was fortunate that a good friend and photographer, Amber Shader, was kind enough to give her time and talent to take some great pictures of the kids (which will be in my Holiday Shopping Guide over the next couple days). Check out the dramatic difference in her photos:

Jake didn't squint once or give Amber anything other than his cutest smiles...

After getting Cecilia to cooperate and get some great shots, my new nickname for Amber is "The Toddler Whisperer"

Even Joey, who is easily annoyed by my requests for pictures, was all smiles

She even captures great shots when you're not looking or even realize she's taking pictures.

So this year to break tradition I’ll have some nice photos to use for cards…

or maybe these will go on the walls and I’ll take some pictures too, just to stick with tradition. We’ll see…

If you live in Delaware, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Maryland, or New York, Amber is for hire…and actually, she travels even further. I know she has dates coming up in New Orleans and Las Vegas. Check out her website and Facebook page for her work (people, places, pets…it’s all amazing), and contact her for details on getting your pictures done at info@ambershaderphotography.com.

Thanks, Amber for a stress free, fun afternoon with some photos that I’ll treasure forever!

So how do you do photos? The easy way or the hard way? Leave me a comment and let me know what you think of my way versus Amber’s way! And while you’re here, at least give me a quick vote on Top Mommy Blogs! Just one click of the banner below is all it takes to cast an automatic vote for me!

10 Horrible Gifts for the Holidays 2011 Edition

It’s that time of year…

Potty Time Rhyme

I don’t poop on the potty…I poop on my body!