The soft electric hum from the florescent lights that hung from above may have lulled me into a daydream, or perhaps the temporary escape to a waking-sleep was my mind’s way of protecting itself from the horrors that filled this tiny room.
I sat awkwardly on the only seat, a small corner chair, that was mounted to the wall. With my knees to my chest and my arms wrapped tightly around my legs, I pondered how I found myself in the place again.
The three dingy white walls had mysterious stains and smudges that I tried not to think about too intently, and there were random spots of graffiti left by women who came before me in this place.
The fourth wall seemed to be nothing more than an ordinary piece of reflective glass. Ah, that was the real danger though, for if you gazed upon this mirror your wildest fears would be realized and laid out before you. Once you looked into the glass there were things there which could never be unseen.
Escape was nearly impossible, or at least there would be no immediate flight to safety. The door to this small room full of large scale truth and pain was latched securely, held firmly closed by a sturdy lock.
Though I felt confined, I could here people freely moving just outside. Who they were, where they were going, or what I was doing here, in this place, again, I did not know.
And I do know this place…
I shut my eyes tight and open them abruptly to find I’m still curled in triangle shaped seat a couple feet above the faded carpet.
As I ease off the chair, knowing what must be done, my feet carefully find my shoes where I had abandoned them before retreating to a far off place inside my mind’s eye away from all this…truth.
My breath catches in my throat, and for a moment I feel as though this space might swallow me whole.
Deep breathes.
Deep breathes.
Deep breathes.
I tell myself to be brave. Truthfully, there is no other choice.
I am reaping what I have sowed.
And sowed.
And sowed.
And sowed.
Standing tall, bare shoulders back, I open my eyes to face my truths…
Some define insanity as the act of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
And if that is true, I am insane.
For here I stand…
After another cold winter’s slumber…
Pale and yearning for the sun’s darkening kiss…
Skin stretched and muscles soft from childbirth and defeat, elasticity robbed and never found…
Here I stand …
…in the swimwear department’s dressing room.
Again.
Image from thegloss.com
Somehow I always expect it won’t look just like this.
Do you hate bathing suit shopping? What’s your strategy? I bring a flask, a best friend, and a bag of cookies with me when I make the hellish shopping expedition once a year. Got a better idea? Leave me a comment, I’d love to hear it!
So, a few years ago I went on a cruise. I had fretted over the whole bathing suit issue and I picked a one piece. There were a few groups of family reunions on the cruise, and many large black women in these groups. Every single one of them were in bikinis (the ones under 40). I finally said screw it and have bought nothing but bikinis since. It seems that us white girls are the ones that have such an issue with our bodies. These women were so confident and comfortable in thier own bodies that I decided I would be, too. I still have twinges, and the “oh, my God, I look like a fish belly” moments, but more often than not, I say ” screw ‘em, if they don’t like it, they don’t have to look.”
Lol, i did not see this going there. Yes I hate bathing suit shopping. Going to the Dells this weekend and i know I should see if my swimsuit still fits because god forbid it doesn’t and I have to go buy a new one. Ugh.
I haven’t worn a bathing suit in 6 years. I’m wishing for the confidence to break the streak but it’s not likely.
My secret is staying far far away from Victoria’s. Secret that is. I don’t know how they do their proportions, and some girls must look adorable in them, but I have never once found a suit there that
1. covers my butt
2. doesn’t give me a “front wedgie”
3. is so weirdly fitted in the front that my boobs look lumpy. (and you would think, with their star product being bras, that this would be less of an issue.)
Best of luck in your search, but sincerely, you are a pretty hot mama to let “this season’s” bathing suit give you any worry there.
the yellow one reminds me of McDonalds FRENCH FRIES!!
I feel your pain. Swimsuit shopping is the worst. And how come guys have it easy and just get to do shorts? The past few years I’ve done the whole skirted suit thing. Which attempts to cover the thunder thighs and cellulite, but flairs out in the water and then clings to your body when you get out of the pool. And my kids always hang on to my top and my boob is always ready to fly out as I am holding them in the water. But, we have to go to the pool cause I have to get out of the house and wear these two out! So, I guess I’ll be saddled with my Eddie Bauer miracle suit with the skirt again this year. Lily white legs and all.
I buy a Speedo racing suit. It covers what needs covers, stays where it is supposed to stay and lasts an entire season. It costs about the same as other suits (and less than a lot of plus sized ones). Speedo also doesn’t really change style, so unless I gain or lose a lot of weight, I just order the same one as last year online. That way, I only have to go through the trauma of the try on once every few years.
Okay- I have found a couple of bathing suits online that have BRA sized suits! with that ALL important bra in them. Not the STuPID “molded cup” foam that does nothing! I have always been large-busted and at my age now, (ahem… close to 60) I really like the good support. AND I do not like showing too much skin. Sure, I’m comfortable in it- but I really do not letting it all hang out. I just prefer to be a bit more modest, and not crass. So, I LOVE a cute “swim skirt”. I can’t tell you how much I love this internet age. I find the best products right from my easy chair, instead of the old times of hunting hunting fruitlessly at times.
Well, I have been there, exactly there! This year (after losing 35 lbs) I thought it wouldn’t be so bad. I think it was worse. At least the PLUS sized suits had underwires, these girls need support. So after doing some research I ordered a few online from a place in the UK that cup and bad sizes their suits. They came the other day and low and behold I almost like them. I even paraded out into my yard while the husband was mowing to show him my accomplishment, I can only assume that he and the neighbors were as equally as impressed as I was.
Last year my husband earned a trip to Mexico and when I took my swimsuits off the shelf, they had DISSOLVED. Seriously, they decomposed. That’s how old they were.
I bit the bullet, went to I think Sak’s & Neiman’s, did NOT look at price tags, and asked for help.
I ended up with 4 flattering, not-too-trendy swimsuits that do what this flabby albino polar bear needed. Then I spent no money for like 3 months. But this month when I needed to break them out again? Perfect. Still in great shape, still as flattering as they could be, they don’t look dated.
Invest in comfortable, flattering swimwear. Don’t try to hide your wiggles on the cheap. It’s worth it.
http://www.athleta.com–oceanside shorts w/ tankini top. The swim shorts are amazing and the suits are cute w/o being too revealing or matronly looking.
Great Post!
Went swim suit shopping with my 4 year old this year…ended up buying the one she liked because she kept on yelling out – “yep – your butt looks really BIG in that one – get the pretty one I like.” Nice…
here’s a thought. you could undertake some anti-migration and head to Australia during your summer (our winters are mild), and then when it starts warming up in Australia, head back to the US just in time for Autumn.
never have to go swimsuit shopping again.
and if you overstay your visit to Australia and feel the need to go swimming at one of our pristine beaches, be assured that many people here wear board shorts with a UV protection rash vest to protect our blistering skin from the UV rays beaming straight through the hole in the ozone layer!
Perfect
I haven’t bought a swimsuit since I was in my early stages of my first pregnancy but my cousin recently found a site with modest swimsuits made to order and ready made for about the average price of a regular swimsuit. I believe it was called modestly yours or something. They basically look like a tanktop or t shirt, shorts and a skirt. Or a tank dress and short combination. She said the ones she bought her and her daughter were comfortable fit nicely and were wearable not only in the pool but to and from it. I think that will be how I avoid the nightmare of trying on swimsuits.