I have a confession to make, and since I’m having a hard time getting a hold of my girl Oprah, I’m going to just spill the beans here.
I am on steroids.
I started taking them on Monday and I plan on taking them until next Monday.
I’d like to say I blame Lance Armstrong for his bad influence, but this one is on me.
It seems, based on my Monday which was spent between Medical Aide and then the ER, that when I thought my kids, who each fell ill with strep throat the 10 days leading up to Christmas, also got me sick that I should have taken the time to be seen myself. Turns out, a strep infection left to its own devices can lead to symptoms even less appealing than a regular case of strep throat.
Last weekend I started getting terrible pain and swelling in my hips (like I need it there), knees, cankles, and wrists. I also developed a lovely red rash that started at my feet and by Monday had reached up to my neck, chest, stomach and arms. By Tuesday it spread further north covering my face with a lovely kiss of color …actually it adorned my entire face a blotchy red spots forcing me to stay indoors, behind closed curtains, far from the view of friends or strangers alike.
Don’t look at me!
Monday the red rash wasn’t bothersome in any way, it only made me look like I had a moderate case of leprosy, but the tightness in my chest, my inability to walk without pain, and not having enough strength in my hands to open a container of juice or buckle my kid’s seat belts, sent me straight to the Lion’s Den of sick – the hospital.
After some tests, it appears it was most likely due to that strep throat I was too busy to do anything about just before Christmas. I have to go for some follow up stuff, but I left with some hefty antibiotics and some prednisone (the steroid I am openly admitting to taking).
Okay, I know Lance and I aren’t juicin’ on the same stuff. That’s mostly because I am not feeling like I’ve had any performance enhancing effects whatsoever.
Imagine my surprise when my laundry wasn’t being done any faster. In fact, the only thing moving quicker in the laundry room is the rate at which the dirty clothes seem to be multiplying.
Shopping and errands haven’t been done in record time this week either. I thought I was going to be scouted for the TV game show, Super Market Sweep as I moved with lightning speed and precision through the aisles, but instead I got worried glances from familiar workers who wanted to know if I needed any assistance getting to my car.
And boy did I have some misconceptions as to what my steroids could do for my meal preparations this week. Not only were they not whipped up any quicker, but they’ve also been less than desirable according to the Judgey Mom’s Handbook. What do they know though? Hell, if cereal is good enough for breakfast, it’s good enough for dinner. Bon Appétit, kids!
So that’ll be the last time I buy from this doctor. Not only did I not see performance enhancing anythings, but it turns out that this stuff has some really detrimental effects for some *Lucky* people such as myself.
- Trouble Falling Asleep or Staying Asleep (In the last 96 hours, I’ve slept approximately 12)
- Mood Swings (so bad I’ve got whiplash)
- Weight gain/fluid retention (my cankles have cankles)
Some others listed that I’m worried I’ll develop:
- Weight gain, with fat deposits in your abdomen, face and the back of your neck (What the hell? Hot dog neck? This stuff can cause hot dog neck!)
- Puffy Face (I already have a puffy face so this is slightly terrifying)
- Stretch Marks (presumably from the weight gain – do you think people get them on their suddenly fat necks? That would be awkward.)
- Hallucinations (Depends what kind of hallucinations, I guess. I can only hope if I develop this that my hallucinations will include Matt Damon, a clean house, and a nap)
- Difficulty in maintaining train of thought (I already have Mom Brain . You know, “Why did I come into this room?” Plus with my severe lack of sleep, I’m surprised I can even type at this point.)
- Acne – (Because my already occasional breakouts don’t give my skin enough of a youthful glow)
- Increased hair growth (My Tom Selleck mustache couldn’t possibly get thicker, could it?)
- Shrinking balls (Wait, I might be mixing my ‘roid side effects now…)
Some side effects I hope I do develop:
- Inappropriate happiness
- Absent menstrual periods
Honestly, one of the reasons I’m so germ-phobic is because I hate taking any medications, so I’ll be happy when I’m through with the prescription. I think I learned a few lessons the hard way this week like:
- When using your last bit of energy to shave your winterized legs before going to the hospital, don’t forget about shaving your hairy hobbit feet especially if you have a rash that started on your feet and is one of the worst effected areas soon to be examined up close by multiple medical professionals. Having someone stare at and touch your rash-ridden feet is bad enough without realizing you have five super long, dark hairs on your big toes.
- Don’t wait to see a doctor until I think I have Rheumatic Fever (which yes, I found on WebMD -like we all didn’t know I’d go there– but it was actually suggested as a possible condition when I was being treated Monday by the doctor)
- An EKG done to test your heart will require a lengthy application of probes on various parts of your body, primarily your chest (obviously), and you will be required to lay topless on your back. If your boobs retreat into your armpits as is their now natural course, the technician may need to lift your boobs from your armpits to properly apply the probes. Expecting this might reduce the awkwardness for some.
A few friends who I casually avoided this week, given my rash-covered face, asked me to post pictures. For some reason I’m more comfortable getting in a leopard leotard or pink untitard than I am showing my scarlet face of shame. But, since several Facebook followers also asked me to also post a picture after this status update yesterday:
“Morning conversation with my 3yr old. KID: Mom, what underwear are you wearing? ME: What? Why do you want to know what underwear I’m wearing?! KID: (Clearly annoyed) Mom, answer the question! What underwear are you wearing?? I’m drawing a picture of you for the fridge. (Can’t wait to explain this one to guests)”
I thought I could combine the two and show another artist’s rendition of my current condition.
As you can see, I am suffering from a red rash on my face, which has also apparently changed my hair color. I have also gained a lot of weight from my last post, but I’m hoping it’s mostly fluid. Also, I’m glad my face is already red because otherwise I’d be totally blushing from my big, giant red and blue polka dot granny panties (accurately) depicted here.
Apologies for the errors I’m sure are in this post given my lack of sleep primarily, but I thought I’d share some of what I learned this week. Hope you’re all fairing better than I am – be well, friends (and if you’re not, go get to a doctor)!
And a special thanks to my Mom who took off work and took care of my kids so I could finally get to the doctors!