Every year for the holidays, and for other special days like Valentine’s, Mother’s and Father’s Day, I like to do a Bad Gift Guide. Now, these products might be great, useful items, but when it comes to giving them as gifts on these special holidays, let’s say that they’re far from what most people would call traditional presents.
Don’t get me wrong, some of the products are down right awful all around, but others are so bad they’re awesome…
This, of course, all started because every year I look for the biggest, baddest gift that I can find to give to an unsuspecting (or rather very suspecting) relative at my two non-traditional Christmas gift exchanges.
This year I have my Bad Gift Guide ready to go with 10 new, terrible items, but first I thought I’d share some bad gifts that I’d be willing to try for myself.
I think that I’d be just as good at receiving as I am at giving awful presents.
God, I hope my husband is reading this…
1. VacRide – It was Roseanne Barr who once said, “I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes on you can ride on.” Well, thanks to Facebook follower Jasmine Hartley, who shared the VacRide after I shared that quote, I’ll be cleaning the floors like a boss if I get one of these bad boys under the tree.
2. Grass Sandals – ($39.99) I love the holiday season; it’s by far my favorite time of the year. However, as soon as it ends (and I mean Christmas night), I start my post-holiday funk. The next three or four bleak, dark months until Spring starts to breathe new life back into the earth, are tough. Despite my love for the holidays, winter is my least favorite season. I much prefer to be barefoot, enjoying long summer days. So this year, before I spend a ton of money on a light therapy box to battle my S.A.D., I think I should try these faux grass sandals…at least until they come out with one that mimics the feeling of sand underfoot.
3. Gravity Defying Boob Glue Instant Breast Lift in a Bottle – ($29.99) One time I was a guest on the Dr. Oz Show, and I told a joke about how long and lean were adjectives that once described my legs, but now it more aptly describes my breasts (true story, you can see me in the clip here starting around 1 minute in). Anyway, there’s not much I can do at this point other than roll them up like sardines and stuff them into my bra because plastic surgery isn’t an option. But now there’s a solution – and it’s less than $30! Introducing Bosom Gravity Defying Boob Glue! Now instead of stuffing them into place, only to have them fall flat moments later, I’d be able to glue those bad boys into place! As one of the reviewers said, “This is my new breast friend!” I’m going to ask for four bottles to start with because I’ve got a lot of gravity defying to do.
4. Carex Bed Buddy Warming Microwave Footie Socks – ($7.48) Not every gift has to be expensive or extravagant. In fact, some of the best gifts you get are the practical, everyday presents like these microwavable socks that keep your feet feeling warm and smelling great! I’m plagued year round with cold feet (just ask my husband), so I’m so excited that in less than a minute and a half, I could get warm toasty feet! These look easy to use, and they’re fragranced with clove, cinnamon, and eucalyptus. That’s good news too because there’s no mention on how – or if you even can – clean them, but be sure the microwave is clean because you wouldn’t want to soil your dirty socks. Oh look! Lucky me! Matching gloves!
5. Skinny Mirror – (starting at $295) Are you as tired of looking at yourself in an unflattering or even normal mirror as I am? Well, I found a solution! “Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the skinniest one of them all?” Why, it’s my reflection in the Skinny Mirror of course! Forget diet, exercise, or surgery because for the low, low price of $295 (and up), you can look thin without even trying. I just hope it comes with wheels so I can drag it around everywhere I go forcing anyone that I might interact with to speak only to my skinny reflection.
6. Poo-Pourri Toilet Spray– ($10.00) I don’t know about you, but pooping in public can be so embarrassing! With all my tummy troubles, a product that promises that if I spritz before I go, no one will ever know, I have to give it a try. Then there’s available scents like Shittin Pretty, Santa Poo, No. 2, and Deja Poo which, along with their hilarious commercial, make me feel like not using Poo-Pourri would be a really crappy decision.
8. Menu Baggy Winecoat, Black – ($53.44) So many people have sent me this link over the last couple years, yet no one has bought me this portable wine purse. Get on it people!
9. Another Wine Purse – Boxed wine just got classy. Thanks to Kylie Russo for sharing this fabulous, faux box with me. Really, a purse full of wine is all you’d need to carry. Well, that and cab money home, but wine makes the perfect gift – that’s why I’ve listed it twice.
10. Free Nap Coupon – (FREE) You know what I love more than wine? Sleep. You know what I never get enough of? No, not wine, sleep. I need some more sleep. I know some people think homemade coupons aren’t good gifts, but I think that I’d happily accept one (or ten) of these:
What do you think? Are you interested in receiving any of these gifts? What’s on your list this year?