Some people have a really hard time buying good Valentine’s Day gifts, but why is that?
Perhaps some givers fall victim to clever marketing schemes, while others tire of the safe and typical gifts such as flowers, candy, or jewelry, and boldly dare to venture outside the box of conventional presents.
Could the the bad gift possibly be intentional? Breaking up is hard to do, after all, but not when you give a bad gift on the most romantic day of the year!
So for those who just don’t know any better, those boldly gifting things that have never been gifted to a lover before, or if you’re looking for a fantastically brave gag gift, I give you the 2014 Bad Valentine’s Day Gifts! This year, I’m including some of the most popular gifts from previous Bad Valentine’s Day Lists in addition to 19 new items, for my biggest, baddest gift list yet!
Bonus: Because I didn’t always have a Valentine, and I would have appreciated a present (but not just any present), I’ve included four bad gifts for singles too!
Prices subject to change, obviously.
1. Love Diamond Ring Table Lamp $10.43 plus shipping – When you’re lover asks for a diamond rings that shines, I promise you that she does not mean a ring shaped lamp. Even if it is marketing as “a Home Decoration Lover Valentines Day Romantic Gift” in red or blue, do not gift a lamp for Valentine’s Day.
2. Clap Off Bra (No price shown) – Lingerie might be considered a traditional, and generally well-received Valentine’s Day gift, but I’m not sure that this bra fits the bill. With just a clap of the hands the bra unclasps and the girls are hanging free. Maybe okay in the bedroom, but I do not suggest this for anyone who might receive a standing ovation unless you’re planning on giving on hell of an encore! You can watch a demo from The Today Show here.
Thanks to Facebook follower, Freda Gross for sharing this gem of a gift!
3. Lionel Richie Sexy Mustache Tea Towel $14.00 – Hello! Is it a tea towel you’re looking for? Although the Lionel Richie faux fur mustache tea towel is perhaps the sexiest towel I’ve ever seen, please steer clear of kitchen textiles as a Valentine’s Day gifts.
5. Smittens $35.00 – Do you love holding hands, but hate doing it while you and your lover are wearing gloves? Smittens are perfect for the couples who loves walking through life hand in hand and bound together by fabric. Comes also with a left & right glove for your other hands. Available in red and navy.
6. Sex Panther 1.7-oz Cologne Spray $33.05 – “Its called Sex Panther by Odeon. It’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good. They’ve done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.” Although hilarious, if you buy this for your man, be prepared to smell it because gag gift or not, you know he’ll be wearing it. So if you don’t like the smell of “used diapers full of Indian food,” or “burnt turds with hair on it,” best to pass on this “formidable scent.”
7. Baconlube- Bacon Flavored Massage Oil & Personal Lubricant $16.02 – In last season’s 4th Annual Holiday Gifts so Bad that they’re actually awesome list I included some bacon lover’s items like Meaty Fresh POWER BACON Deodorant and Mr. Bacon’s 2.5 Oz Bacon Flavored Toothpaste, but apparently I missed one bacon flavored item that should have made the cut. Thanks (I think?) to Facebook follower Rebecca Hendrix for sharing Bacon Flavored Lube which doesn’t belong in the bedroom (or anywhere else).
8. Edible Meat Underwear (Price Varies Depending on the cost of Jerky) – Yes. You read that right. Meaty Man Panties. Personally, I’ve never liked the idea of edible undies in any form, but regardless they seem to be a popular gift especially around Valentine’s Day. Although I am a meat-eater, the thought of meat underwear is enough to turn me vegetarian. This is a do-it-yourself project with step-by-step instructions, but be warned! Photos included may be disturbing to some readers (you don’t see any man-meat, just a man wearing meat). Special thanks to Facebook Fan Pink Britt for sending me this. No, really, Pink. Thank you.
9. Sexy “Chad” Print $14.00 – I’m sure that this does it for someone, but unless you yourself are Chad, don’t give this framed “awkward, yet sexy” print to anyone this Valentine’s Day. And if you are Chad, you may even want to reconsider…
10. Intimia Breast Pillow – Chest Wrinkles Prevention and Breast Support $49.95 – At first glance this bra may look like a piece of odd lingerie, but it actually serves a purpose. This anti-wrinkle bra will keep your cleavage looking smooth and attractive, and will help fight vertical boob wrinkles that are a total turn off to anyone who has the unfortunate experience of looking at your wrinkled rack. Seriously, don’t buy this for any woman ever – especially not for Valentine’s Day unless you’re specifically hoping for a break-up.
11. Men’s Tattoo Shirt $24.88 – Are you really into tattoos, but your significant other is not? Well, if you have a willing partner, and a really great imagination, you can pretend he’s inked. Bad-boy leather vest, hat, gloves, and ass-less chaps sold separately. Don’t miss the Women’s Full Body Tattoo Shirt either.
12. His and Her Tractor Briefs $50.00 – I like to think there’s a little old farmer gifting these to his little old wife this Valentine’s, but I’m listing these here for three reasons. First, they came up in a search for sexy clothing. Secondly, sheer size – these put my granny panties to shame; and lastly because they’re fifty dollars. Other than that, if you’re a tractor-riding, bloomer-wearing couple – get these undies today!
13. His and Her Matching Bikini Jeans – I know how jealous all the men were when I posted the Bikini Jeans for women in a previous gift guide, and the fashion industry has heard and answered your prayers. This Valentine’s Day you can turn heads together in your matching thong/jean combos! Hot damn! (Please don’t).
14. Chewbacca and the Timeless Art of Seduction. Sexy Chewbacca posed as George Costanza in this strangely erotic print. $35.00 – If your lover is a Star Wars lover, you may be looking for a themed Valentine’s Day gift. However hilarious, I’m not sure this is it.
15. Harvest Your Own Pearl Gift $9.69 – Who wouldn’t want a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day? Well, you might want to pass on this one; it’s the Oyster in a Can! You are sent a preserved (dead) oyster in some juice (which may smell) that they specifically tell you not to drink, along with an empty pendant, and once you pry the oyster open, remove the pearl, you have your own homemade necklace! All for less than $10, so you know it must be nice!
16. Bad Jewelry $23.00 – Not all jewelry is good jewelry as we just saw from the dead oyster in stinky juice kit. This hand stamped jewelry makes a funny gag gift, but be careful you’re not gifting it for real (cause I know a few of you just considered it to be a genuinely sweet sentiment).
17. EatSmart Precision Digital Bathroom Scale $28.95 – Someone pointed out to me that I didn’t have any scales listed on any of my bad gift guides. Now I’ve made a number of lists over the last few years, and maybe I assumed this one was obvious. You know what they say about assuming… (although I own this scale and I love it as much as any woman could possibly love a scale which means I hate it, but damn if it isn’t accurate)
18. Sweat-Heart Sweet-Shirt $79 – It’s a sweatshirt built for two! So whether you want to take a walk in the park, go tailgating at a football game, or just to snuggle on the couch, the Sweat-Heart Sweet-Shirt will make sure your honey can’t escape.
19. The Hug Jacket $79 – From the makers of The Sweat-Heart Sweet-Shirt, it’s the Hug Me jacket for those extra long, awkward yet warm hugs outdoors.
20. Handmade Sweater for Two (Priceless) – Perhaps the makers of the Sweat-Heart Sweet-Shirt and Hug Me Jacket were onto something. The key to a long successful relationship is clothing made for two. Thanks to Facebook follower Freda Gross for sending this one (which also could have doubled as maternity wear for me in my 3rd trimester).
21. Electric Styles Light Up Hypnotizing Bra $49.97 – Your lady might have told you that she was hoping for a spark in the bedroom, but I promise this is not what she meant. And ladies, there may be better ways to hypnotize a man. Wait, no, this Electric Light Up Hypnotizing bra will work because, boobs.
22. Sexy Men’s Knit Underwear $29 – I have no words…except, I’m sorry (I had to share).
23. Name a Roach after your Valentine at the Bronx Zoo $10.00 – Paying to have a star named after someone is so overplayed. Want to leave a lasting impression with a gift they’ll not soon forget? Have a roach at the Bronx Zoo named after your Valentine for just $10! (Someone shared this on my Facebook page last year, and I can’t find the name. Whoever you are, thanks, I think).
25. Inflatable Pant Expander $8.97 – Ladies, there’s never a good reason to give this gift…unless you’re breaking up with someone, then it’s just funny. If you think your fella doesn’t have the, ahem, necessary equipment to fill out the something like the Bikini Jeans, maybe you skip the matching jeans and buy some matching tee shirts.
26. Her Funeral (Price varies) – What better way to show her how much you love her than by planning her funeral…for Valentine’s Day. A bold move for most men – careful – this might turn into your funeral. (Thank to Facebook fan Kristbjörg Björnsdóttir for this gift/warning!)
BONUS: Singles ONLY gifts (to avoid)
27. Boyfriend Pillow®, Blue Shirt $39.95 – You might think that your single friends are in need of some human affection, but I assure you, they won’t get it from the creepy Boyfriend Pillow. Maybe just try giving them a hug; this half torso/arm would be hard to explain should they ever have an actual boyfriend over.
28. Totally Fun Things to Do with Your Cat (Book) from $10.19 – Just like there are books that you should never give to your partner for Valentine’s Day, there are books that you should never give to a single friend for Valentine’s Day (or any other day). Everyone knows that not all single people have and/or spend time with their cats. It’s only like 73%.
29. The ‘Hug Me!’ Jacket $1200 – Still thinking about that single friend who needs affection? Upset I talked you out of the Boyfriend Pillow? Well, with the Hug Me Jacket your single friends can feel warm and embraced even when you aren’t there to do it…or perhaps they might feel totally terrified in this literal coat of arms. Either way, this jacket isn’t going to help them attract a mate. Special thanks to my friend Faith from the adorable Sweet Birdie Boutique who saw this appalling apparel and thought of me!
30. Marry Me Box Kit for Marrying Yourself $45 to $300 – ‘With this ring, I me wed.’
My hilarious cousin Bob posted this on Facebook a while back after reading an article on Cnn, and as the creator explains, “It’s not about giving up, they say, but rather about lifting up and celebrating the singular awesomeness of yourself.” Still, leave this type of commitment up to the singles, and please don’t gift it for Valentine’s Day. You won’t be helping.
Still need some more Bad Gift suggestions? Check out my Bad Gift Guide Page with links to lists for the old Valentine’s Day Guides, the holiday lists, Mother’s & Father’s Day, and even bad gift suggestions for babies.
What do you think? Would you like to give or receive any of the 30 gifts on this year’s list? Have a product suggestion for the next list? Leave me a comment and let me know! I love hearing from you!