How Parenting has prepared me for a Zombie Apocalypse

I’ve been a mother for almost nine years now, and my parental experiences have taught me a number of new life skills.  Most recently,  I shared 10 jobs that I’m now qualified for since becoming a parent.  That’s right, I’m qualified for a number of new careers from hostage negotiator to house elf, thanks to what I’ve learned since becoming a Mom.

However, the valuable lessons I’ve learned reach far beyond expanding my career choices.  In fact, I think that some of my newly acquired skills could actually help me in the most dire of scenarios.

That’s right. My experiences as a parent have me ready for even the worst of times…a Zombie Apocalypse.

how parenting has prepared me for a Zombie Apocalypse

1.  I know where to find food – On shows like the Walking Dead, or any post-apocalyptic program, one of the most perilous problems is finding food.  The living are left looking through ransacked store shelves, in abandoned houses and cars, and usually while battling the living dead who would love to make a meal out of them.  This is where being a parent gives me a leg up on some of these starving survivors.  As they look through empty shelf after empty shelf to no avail, my family and I will be dining on a virtual Chex Mix of Leftovers.  First, if I observed anything in an abandoned home that indicated children used to live there, I’d skip the kitchen and head right for couch cushions.  You could feed a family of five for at least a year with what’s dwelling under our cushions at any given moment.  Underneath of car seats are gold mines too, and although cash is no longer a necessity in the Zombie Apocalypse, the bottoms of a mother’s purse can be a great place to find Cheerios, Goldfish crackers, etc.

2.  I have a high tolerance for gross stuff – A Zombie Apocalypse is no place for the faint of heart.  Not only are the zombies themselves disgusting creatures with their rotting flesh and obvious poor hygiene, but killing them is no pretty picnic either.  Plus, you’re bound to see some people get taken out by zombies, and watching a person get eaten alive could be a traumatic and terrifying event.  Some people could go mad from fear alone.  Not me though.  I’m a Mom.  I have three kids.  I have seen some disgusting shit (literally) in my day, and I’ve also seen some guts and gore (they never did knock me out for any of my births like I had asked).  And sure, a zombie feasting on flesh is nasty, but so is watching a toddler eating…anything.  I’ve handled poop and bodily projectiles more times than I can count, and done it without losing my own lunch.  Ever given a little kid food they shouldn’t eat like chili?  Yeah, you change that diaper and it’s a mistake you only make once.  My point is, it’s going to take more than a decomposing corpse to shake me up.

3.  I can blend in when necessary – If you find yourself trapped and surrounded by zombies, one exit strategy that could work is to blend in.  On one episode of the Walking Dead Rick and Glen covered themselves in freshly killed zombie guts, and were then able to walk right along side of the zombies undetected because they had covered their scents.  Another option is to wear anything from my kid’s dirty laundry (and there’s plenty to go around).  Whatever they do to their clothing on a daily basis, should allow us to walk amongst the living dead without detection.  An alternative option for me would be to not drink coffee for 24 hours, and then this happens:

blending in with zombies

4.  I can get creative with weapons –  In a Zombie Apocalypse you’re going to need to have some protection.  I would go the obvious route and try to get some guns which are effective, however, are noisy and not always the best choice when you want to keep from attracting other flesh-seeking zombies from attacking.  Knives and swords also work well, and I do have some Ginsu’s that can chop a penny so I’m sure they’d do a number on the living dead.  I think I’d try to get creative too, and use some of the most painful weapons in my current arsenal – Legos.  Sure, to kill a Zombie you need to strike their brain, but that doesn’t mean that they couldn’t be temporarily disabled by those small, plastic bricks from hell.  I’m willing to bet that even a zombie would be painfully paralyzed by Legos, and even better than other standard weapons, I have over a trillion of them stockpiled.

5.  I know who to hook up with in order to survive – Don’t get me wrong here, I love my husband dearly.  He’s a wonderful father, provider, and I’m sure in a Zombie Apocalypse, he’d do whatever he could to keep the kids and I safe.  However, should we become separated or should he meet his untimely end at the hands of some zombies, I would mourn and move on.  That’s the reality of the Zombie Apocalypse.  There’s no time for sadness, but you know what there is time for?  The Walking Dead’s Daryl.  In my humble opinion Daryl is the dude you want to shack up with should the stuff hit the fan.  He’s adept at killing zombies, looks smokin’ hot, and he’s fantastic at finding food – albeit usually squirrels.  All I know is that I’d whip him up some slammin’ squirrel stew, and hey look, I found some drinks!  What wine goes best with rodent? White or red?

Daryl's got dinner, I got drinks

So how do you think you’d fare in a Zombie Apocalypse?  Do you have any other survival tips?  Leave me a comment and let me know!

According to AMC’s Walking Dead quiz, even with all my expertise, I’d still only live a year and a half. Bummer.  I can’t wait to tune into the new episodes starting next weekend; maybe I’ll pick up some new tips.

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  1. says

    One of my best skills is hiding. From my kids. With a magazine and a cookie. OK, a bag of cookies. And possibly some wine. Zombies would have to find me to eat me, right?

    • says

      This is true! They can’t eat you if they don’t know where you are! And what zombie is going to check the bathroom? I think you’ll be safe there unless it’s a kid-zombie. Otherwise, relax and check under the sink for snacks in the tampon box. I heard some people hide chocolate there too. *cough, cough*

  2. Kristina says

    #2 – Yes! I have 4 kids and have been completely impervious to puke, poop, and snot for years now. Dogs will help you with this too. I came home to a pile of what appeared to be half digested rabbit once and hardly flinched.
    #4 – I would like to add Hotwheel cars and Barbie accessories to this list.
    Adding a #6 – You can totally stay up all night on guard duty because you have functioned on 2 hours of sleep more times than you can count.

    • says

      #6 is so true! I was convinced for a while that I was an unwilling participant in a study on how long a person could go without sleep. I barely notice I’m not getting it anymore – although if I don’t have access to coffee…well, you saw #3.

  3. says

    I am woefully unprepared for any sort of zombie or other type of apocalypse. I can deal with gore and gross with the best of them, but I have been losing brain cells at an alarming rate since my 2nd and I’m lucky I can make it out the door with my pants on each morning. I think getting turned into a zombie would be somewhat of a vacation- you wander around with no responsibilities except to find brains to eat. No wiping butts. No wiping noses. Sure, you may get an ax to the head, but by that point you are pretty well gone anyways. I think I would give myself up for the larger good- use me as bait. I’m tired.

    • says

      Gradually it gets better, not the losing brain cells part once those are gone you don’t get them back, but eventually you start remembering to wear pants before leaving the house without any trouble. Hell, I even brush my teeth and wear a bra *most mornings now too. But I remember the feeling! How old is your 2nd child? What no one tells you is that the loss of brain cells gets worse with each kid. I should know, I have three.

      And I agree about the turning zombie as a vacation – of course anything I can do alone is a vacation (grocery shop, gyno visit, root canal, etc).

  4. says

    It must be especially difficult for a woman to live during a zombie apocalypse… Think about it… every month, we would attract zombies with our menstruation… could you imagine CHILDBIRTH during a zombie raid? Fortunately, I have mastered the art of spitting out babies like everyday pooping…. really really painful pooping, and getting up to move five minutes later….. After six childbirths, five natural 9 and 10 pounders and one C-section where they actually required me to get up and stand there in the middle of a hallway for about a half hour after the numbness wore off while they “secured” a room for me, I can honestly say, I am well trained in pain tolerance, and in the ability to maintain mobility even after dropping a 10lb load into my own bedsheets in my own home, with minimum assistance.

  5. says

    High tolerance for gross stuff–YES! In fact, I just got poop on my hand yesterday morning. And it wasn’t even my own.

  6. says

    Love this. I’m going to say my heightened sense of smell, for poop, for dead things, would give me the head’s up I’d need to make an escape. Plus I’m so used to smelling godawful things and/or working through nausea that I could still keep up a good pace w/ vomit in my mouth, head held high. Can’t wait till Sunday night!