Dear Universe/Cosmic Forces,

Please stop messing with me.  I got the email about promoting the new Dairy Queen Mini Blizzard and my first thought was, “you’ve got to be kidding me.”  We both know I have a fairly decent level of self control around food, however, I am only human.  The only thing more tempting to me than a DQ Blizzard would be large order of fries from Wendy’s.

Let’s be honest, I’m hanging on by a thread here to this newly found “healthy BMI.”  I am at the highest possible weight for my height to be considered by those in the medical profession to be considered not overweight.  Another pound and I’m back to clinically overweight.

You may ask if I have started my workout routine. The answer is no.  I lost all my baby weight by diet alone and I just can’t get the extra whatever it is to get me to start exercising.  So pleeeeeease! Cut me some slack!

Toss me a piece of exercise equipment, a personal trainer, even an exercise video, but for the love of all that is pure and holy, let’s keep the FREE Diary Queen productsor any of the other following foods to a minimum:

• french fries (with or without cheese)
• nachos
• whole milk or half and half
• cheese (cheddar, american, ricotta, mozzarella, Parmesan, colby jack, etc., etc.)
• butter
• breakfast meats including but not limited to bacon, sausage and scrapple
• Regular Coke
• Chips with any accompanying dips
• Breyer’s anything
• Reeces Pieces, Snickers, or Butterfingers

Please keep in mind this list, as you probably already know, is not comprehensive.  I’m already my own worst enemy, I do not need your help.

Gratefully,

Susan

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Day 1 on the Wii Fit (again)

That's right, I'm flipping off my Wii. I don't need this kind of judgement from a game system.

So according to Wii, it’s been 210 days since I have been logged in to the Wii Fit. Truth be told, I got on it once and that was that;  I hate working out, even if it’s fun.  Good news is I have lost 10.1lbs since I was on it last.  Apparently though, that’s not enough of an accomplishment for my for Wii.  As soon as my weight was tallied, I got the “sad, fat” music playing and my chubby wii person looked all depressed. They didn’t even shrink her at all either. Screw you Wii!  I think losing 10lbs without working out, on diet alone, is pretty damn good.

For those of you who do not own a Wii or Wii Fit and choose not to be ridiculed by your gaming systems, Wii asks you to stand on a balance board and it weighs you.  It attempts to be fair and precise by even asking how much your clothing weighs. I went with the lightest option this time, plus it’s late. I’m always fatter at the end of my day.  Even though I lost 10lbs, and when I weigh myself (naked first thing in the morning on my scale), I have reached a healthy weight and BMI for my height (5’4″) of exactly 147lbs, Wii has me weighing in fully clothed at night at 147.7lbs.  Not “welcome back, Susan” or “Congrats on losing 10.1lbs since you were logged in last,” no I get fat music and a depressed Wii Me. F-you, Wii!

So there are several things I need to do at this point. I’d like to lose at least another 10-15lbs and be at a comfortable weight well within a healthy BMI. I also need to lower my ridiculously high cholesterol (290-yikes!), and most importantly (to me) I need to firm up! I’ve lost 50lbs since giving birth last July, and now I’m just all flibbity-flabbity.  Plus, as many other Moms are probably aware, your weight tends to “shift’ after you have kids. I carry weight in new places particularly my hips, lower stomach, thunder thighs and ass areas.  Something needs to be done from my knees to my belly button.  I wouldn’t mind getting rid of my back fat either. You can’t suck that in.

So Step One- My stats. Check. Maybe tomorrow I’ll actually workout.

Anybody hungry? I brought the rolls! Please note back fat...you can't suck in back fat.

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Have I mentioned that in a four year period I gained a total of 180lbs over three pregnancies? Actually, I gained nearly 70lbs with my first child who was born in 2005, nearly 60lbs with my second child born in 2007, and nearly 50lbs with my third child born in 2009? Between each pregnancy I lost all the weight, only to get knocked up again 15 months later. No, really, all of my kids are born in July, and every other October for 6 years I got pregnant. My “every other October” is fast approaching, but this time I had my husband neutered. I am also considering sleeping in separate rooms just in case. Enough about my husband, back to me.

My poor abused body is looking like some “before” photo for a diet ad. Although I have lost all the weight again, my body does NOT look like it did in October of 2004 before I got pregnant for the first time. I honestly feel like I don’t know who’s loose flabby skin I’m living in, but I wish I did so I could give it back.

So “Shaping Up,” is going to be a page where I journal just about diet and exercise.  I’ll be posting things I never would have dreamed of like my weight in pounds, measurements, and maybe even photos.  I need some real motivation, and maybe that motivation is shrinking to a normal size so I don’t need to be reformatted to fit your screen.  I can’t be fabulous with muffin top. I don’t care who you are, muffin top is a fabulousity killer.  You’ll find that some times I’ll post often here, while other times I’ll be absent for weeks, months, maybe years…have I mentioned I hate exercising? I’m just too poor for plastic surgery.

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On a scale of 1 to 10 my motivation to exercise and becoming physically fit is hovering around a 2. The only reason I would say it’s not a 1 is because I am at least thinking about how I should be working out. My main problem? I have no motivation.

I want to be healthy, but basically, in my ever-rationalizing mind, I’m healthy enough . I’ve lost 55lbs since having my third (and final) child through dieting, and I’m now a healthy weight for my height. My Wii Fit even shrunk my Mii and made my avatar thinner and happy rather than sad and fat like I started out. By the way, I don’t actually exercise on Wii Fit, I just get on and weigh myself every 200 days or so. So I’m healthy enough, so why isn’t that good enough? Problem is I’m soft and squishy and resemble a before picture from a plastic surgeon’s office. I’m what people look like just before they get a suck and tuck.

Also countering any motivation to exercise is that fact that most of my clothes fit. I used to say I didn’t care what the scale said as long as my clothes fit. Funny thing was I did care what the scale said and my clothes did fit, just not well. I had a chronic case of muffin top and often had to opt out of pants for fear of camel toe. Now I’m comfortable wearing, maybe not announcing, my size, so there isn’t much motivation to be active so my clothes will fit. And we’re no where near the panic-inducing swim suit season, so I can’t bank on that one (yet).

As much as I’m looking forward to Spring, we seem to be in a perpetual state of winter, and exercising outdoors (aside from shoveling) is not going to be happening any time soon. I have these grandiose visions of me taking the baby for a run in the jogging stroller while the boys are in school. Wanna take a guess how many times I’ve taken a kid for a run in the jogging stroller that I’ve had for nearly six years? Yeah, you guessed it, zero times. Of course, if I was one to make excuses, I’d say I was pregnant every other year, and I was one of those barfing for 9 months preggos not one of those working out until the day I delivered Mamas. Anyway, this is the first time since 2005 that I have a 19 month old and I’m not expecting another kid. So maybe, just maybe, when the weather turns, I’ll start getting all in touch with nature and working out. Time will tell.

I’ve been trying to think of the things that motivate me, or even things that motivate people in general. Fear is a good motivator, but unless I can find a (slow) wild animal or person with an infectious disease to chase me, I have little hope of actually running anywhere. Guilt, as with any good Catholic, is also a motivator for me, so if I had a workout partner who was relying on me to run with them daily, perhaps I’d do it. But I don’t have a workout partner so there’s no guilt to help me out. Lastly, regardless of the fact that I’ve lost weight, food is still a motivator for me. You’ve heard of the rabbit chasing the proverbial carrot on a stick, right? So I’ve come up with a similar mechanism to aide me in my quest for physical fitness. See my new motivator, The Ham on a Stick:

So, if you’re someone who is already physically fit, can run (behind me) and hold a stick with a 5lb ham on the end, then I’d like to hire you. Pay is negotiable and I’m hoping to start running as soon as possible. I may actually sign up for a 5K in Spring…late Spring…or early Summer.

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