The truth hurts. This is especially try when the truths I speak of are about what my body is now like after three kids and rapidly closing in on my 33rd birthday. Sure I could exercise, but I could also just as easily sit on my couch whining about my girth while shoveling down a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. In most cases you get out of it what you give, and I’m okay with where I’m at…that doesn’t mean I don’t have a whole lot of room for improvement, or that I can ignore the truth about what’s happened to my body.

Here are some of my inevitable body truths as they stand today:

  1. No matter how hard you try, you cannot suck in “back fat”
  2. Driving in the car with the windows down and my arm up may result in severe under arm skin flapping (similar to that of a large gummed dog with his head out the window of a moving car).
  3. My boobs look like they belong in National Geographic.
  4. Due to the sheer size of my thighs, running in corduroy pants is not advised. This may result in sparking and unintentional fires.
  5. Muffin Top. Get used to it.
  6. Forget college funds, I need to start putting money into a Laser Hair Removal Fund. Either that or begin tweezing my eyebrows twice a day and hope that Tom Selleck Mustaches come into fashion soon…for women.
  7. I wish I could go back in time and kick my twenty year old self right out of the tanning bed. Instead I’m left applying creams, doing facial exercises, and considering pawning some jewelry to pay for Botox.
  8. With my hair’s natural tendency to form an afro, and now the number of gray hairs sprouting up, I am beginning to resemble Don King from a distance.
  9. Many areas now have the consistency of Jell-O
  10. Due to fat deposits, cellulite, and some random broken veins, shorts have been removed from my wardrobe.  Capri or cropped pants are now a more flattering choice of attire, and they also do not tend to give me a front wedgie which forms when my thighs try to swallow the front of my shorts.
  11. Laughing, coughing or sneezing may result in peeing your pants

Have you noticed any changes since getting older and/or having kids?  What inevitable truths are you living with?  Feel free to share, leave me a comment below and if you like the post you can Share it by using the Buttons right at the bottom of the post!  Show me a little love too by click once to cast an automatic vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs just below.  It builds my self esteem.

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May 312011
 

Well, I’m enjoying yet another Mid-Atlantic Sprummer where we seemed to have skipped over the moderate and median temperatures associated with Spring, and have gone from our frigid winter weather right into sweltering heat and oppressive humidity.  In fact, as I sit here in my living room with the blinds closed, a tall glass of tropical punch Kool Aid (yeah, I said it), and as close as humanly possible to the nearest vent constantly blowing cool air, the heat outdoors is well into the 90′s with the heat index simmering around 102 degrees.

Over the holiday weekend the temperatures at the beach were not quite as unbearable, however, no one would argue that it was anything other than hot with heat indexes into the 90′s.  The occasional gust of wind felt like someone’s hot breath hitting your body, so there was little alternative to cooling off other than taking a dip in the pool, bay or ocean.  Having a cool beverage was also a must, and I was alternating sips of my bottled water and pressing the chilled bottle against my face, neck and chest.

Despite my best efforts the heat and humidity left me with a beach afro, flushed skin and the inability to stop sweating.  If I had a bikini I would have worn it just in the hopes that less clothing would equate to a cooler body temperature. As we sat roasting on the beach, I was trying to come up with some new ways to stay cool…like an air conditioned bathing suit.  Thanks to Google I found the next best thing.  It’s the Cooling Water Bikini:

Photo thanks to Oh Gizmo!

Apparently with the Cooling Water Bikini you can enhance your bust and quench your thirst when you fill it with cool water (or wine?).  I’m not exactly sure of the mechanics, but I think you’d just need to be conscious of how much fluid you’re drinking from each cup. The last thing you want is to end up lopsided boobs at the neighborhood pool…awkward!

What are your tips on beating the heat this summer?  Leave me a comment before I order one of these!

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May 142011
 

Friday the 13th started as most others did. The chipper chimes of my phone’s alarm annoyed me from my slumber.  I begrudgingly turned on the shower and began the start of another day.  This morning, in addition to being unlucky because of the date, would prove to be another busy day between schools, shopping, yard work (we expanded my garden an extra 5×20 ft), and doing some stuff for the website.  At least today there were no volunteer hours or field trips which seem to take a valuable chunk of my day right out from under me.

As I lathered my hair, I thought about yesterday’s field trip to one of Delaware’s State Parks, which truth be told was more like a swamp, with Joey’s Kindergarten class.  Although it was a rather short trip, just under three hours in all, the kids managed to squeeze in a lesson on the importance of trees, a quick craft, a walk through the nature center, a walk around a pond (swamp), followed a trail into the woods and finally grabbed a picnic style lunch.

When I dressed Joey that morning I put him in long pants even though the temperatures were forecast to climb in the afternoon.  I choose similar attire, and as we walked through the woods and I spied patch after patch of poison ivy, I knew I made a smart decision as far as the apparel was concerned.  Although, I did forget hats.  Aside from the fact that ticks (and Lyme’s Disease) are prevalent here, I would have preferred an extra barrier between my head and any other creatures.  I also skipped perfume and lotion, yet still managed to come come with no less that a dozen mosquito bites.  I’m hoping not to be the state’s first confirmed case of West Nile Virus because I saw some of these massive blood suckers as they began feasting on my flesh.  These winged beasts looked like something out of the Jurassic Period.

Anyway, I was ready to jump out of the shower when I remembered another day warm temperatures laid ahead so I broke out my shaving cream and razor and began shaving my stubbly legs.  This daily shave (above the knee even) was really the only bad thing about warmer weather that I could come up with as I went up the back of my right leg and did a half turn to reach the upper part of my thigh.  Just because it’s not an easy reach I looked back to be sure I covered the massive area. last thing I need is a tuft of leg hair sticking out of the back of my shorts (although it might camouflage the cellulite at least).

Ah, I had missed a spot and as the razor took the hair and cream away I saw a tiny black spot.  I brushed the spot with my finger and it was smooth and slightly raised but didn’t come off.  As I contorted further to inspect this freckle perhaps, it moved…and when I say it moved, I actually mean the spot crawled.

I opened my mouth to scream but no sound escaped.  I then proceeded to leap into the air, however, with my body already oddly contorted I slipped and began falling out of the shower.  I grasped at the liner which stopped me from tumbling out of the tub but it did tear right through the plastic where three of the rings were.  That was the furthest thing from my mind though. I needed to find the creature that was on my leg.   I calmed myself as best I could and tried to re-assume my previous position. I was too panicked to hold that twisted position so I quickly sat in the tub and flipped my leg over.

It was there, through the unrelenting spray of water still coming from my shower head, that I saw the tick positioned inside a dimple just south of my right ass cheek.  Oh the horror!  The tick had just begun to bite, and perhaps my fatty thigh, although most likely appeared delectable to the tick, was not as easy to grab so I was able to pull him off with little effort.

Being a large child trapped inside an old Mom’s body, my eyes welled with tears as I washed the tick down the drain to his watery grave.  Oh, were they all over me?  Where had it come from? My afro?  Not caring about the time, I rinsed my hair and repeated my earlier wash.   About half way through my wash I saw another on my arm. “I’m infested!!!” I cried out to no one.

This tick was even easier to remove and unlike his friend had not bitten me as of yet.  “See you in hell,” I told the blood- sucker as I sent him to the same watery grave as his friend.

Needless to say, I’ve been freaking out for more than a day.  My hands are constantly feeling my scalp for any abnormalities (I know, I know. The real abnormalities are beneath my scalp).  I feel buggy.  I feel gross. I have a growing hatred of nature.  I’m left wondering what will kill me first- the Lyme’s Disease or the West Nile Virus?  Then this morning I pulled a tick off of Jake who didn’t even attend the trip.  It had bitten him right on middle of his chest.  I’ll be checking his chest and my ass for redness and or red rings for the foreseeable future, and if this creepy crawly feeling doesn’t go away I may end up shaving my head.

Can you imagine what would happen if a bunch of bugs got into my mustache or worse yet, penetrated my afro?! It would be like a bug party and I'd have to shave it off and just start over. I may be posting bald pictures soon.

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Challenged

 Posted by Domestic Diva at 7:23 pm  Uncategorized
Apr 212011
 

This has been one of those weeks where I’m feeling like I’m being tested daily (and not just as a parent).   There’s been no shortage of bloggable material, but to be perfectly honest, I just haven’t felt like sitting down and writing about it.  Aside from this week being incredible busy with a ton of running around, I’m in some sort of allergy haze as there’s been an eruption of pollen in my area.  So rather than doing multiple posts, here’s the week in review:

Saturday: Went to the beach even though it was raining and took the three kids outlet shoe shopping. No further explanation needed.

Sunday: Went to a park, played mini golf, went on the beach, ate an actual bucket of boardwalk fries, and nearly slipped into a coma.

Monday: With Easter less than a week away, I decided to get the stuff for the kid’s baskets while my husband took a quick break for lunch.  This was a deliberate move because the store where I was headed was the same place Jake insulted an old lady, biker, and cashier with an unknown gender all in one trip.  For the first time, I grabbed a cart because the “Easter Box” with all the baskets, grass, and plastic eggs I had saved from last year was swallowed by my basement.  I also had other items to purchase as well, so I hurried around, filling the pharmacy’s cart.  As I approached the front of the store the cashier placed both hands over her mouth and began to giggle.  She’s worked there a while so I know who she is, and I’d say she was socially awkward to say the least (that’s not an official diagnosis, and I’d rather just not go there).  Anyway, as I start unloading she loudly exclaims, “Your hair is like KAAAA-POOOOOW!”   I smiled and agreed, after all I walk around like this every day; I know what my hair looks like.

And yet for some reason, she kept at it.  For nearly six minutes she rang up my items, and stopped after almost every item scanned to comment on my hair. “Do you know it’s out there?” and “I don’t mean to say it like that, but it’s all like WOW!” and “What’s it like in the summer?” oh, and “Can you even fit it under a hat?”  There was a man, in his early forties maybe that was behind me in line.  He just kept repeating quietly, “Oh, my God, stop talking.”  If it wasn’t for the 10% off I get with every purchase, it might not be worth it to face the slew of insults at my local Rite Aide.

Tuesday: Spent the morning on a farm with Joey’s class, and Jake was also there with his preschool group accompanied by my husband.  I’m not real into touching livestock, getting intimate with my future food, or thrilled about ecoli, but the trip was really entertaining for the kids and only a couple of hours long. We managed to get out of there with only one) goof when I told Joey to listen to a man who was speaking to the kids about various seeds (wonder why he was not paying attention)? This particular “farmer” had a pretty thick accent and Joey yelled out, “I can’t understand him, Mom! He’s speaking Spanish!” (Except he was Indian and speaking English). The gentleman shot me a look and did not seem amused.  Other than that it was a good trip.

The kids were then loaded back on the bus and taken to a local park where all 106 of them respectively (with some other park goers and a few siblings) played for several hours after enjoying their lunch at picnic tables.  For the most part it was fine, but all those kids climbing on the equipment at the same time, some hanging out the sides of the “rocket” jungle gym 10 ft in the air, was almost too much for me to take.  I would have added some rum to my coke or tried to get my hands on some Xanax or something had I know the absolute mayhem that was about to take place. Just too many kids, too large of an area, with too few adults. Aside from some minor arguing over prime playground territory, a few kids drinking out of a dog watering bowl, a couple tumbles, and a few rain drops, the kids had a blast. There were no missing children, compound fractures or catastrophic falls, so all in all a good day.

The giant Rocket Jungle Gym that nearly gave me an anxiety attack. Please picture 100+ kids ALL on this at once. It happened.

Wednesday: Just like the last few weeks, we’ve had one day that hits 80 degrees (before it drops down to 50 again). Worked in the garden all day, husband had an allergy attack after cutting the grass and his eyes almost swelled totally shut. Ran to the store, saw FIVE people I knew, spoke to all of them, came home, looked in the mirror and was surprised they didn’t give the same reaction as the lady from Rite Aide. Dirt on my face. Dirt on my shirt. Hair was like “KAAAAA-POOOOW!”

Thursday: Spring break started a day early for Joey. He woke up with red, swollen eyes and a bad headache.  I spent the day trying to rid our house of all the pollen I let in yesterday when I had every window open.  Dusted and cleaned furniture, windows, walls, floors. Dust rag was a yellowish green from pollen and I sneezed most of the day. Considering wearing Depends Adult Diapers while Cecilia, the former sweet and innocent baby turned curious and destructive toddler, is awake. Took two bathroom breaks and paid for my brief moment behind a closed door.  Trip one into the bathroom she spilled both of her brother’s juice cups on the kitchen table and the kitchen floor. She then proceeded to empty a container of baby wipes in order to spread clean the mess up.  Two cups of coffee and a couple hours later, I slipped in the bathroom unnoticed…or so I thought. I heard a gentle scratching sound at the door and called out “Who’s there!” to which Cecilia squealed in delight and ran down the hall. Upon leaving the bathroom I discovered the scratching was not a sound made by her hands but rather from a red crayon that was all over the bathroom door, front door and down the hallway.

As I mentioned today is the official start of Spring Break. Pray for me, people. Pray for me.

Hope you’re all having a good week! Leave me a comment while you’re here and don’t forget to vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs!

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Apr 022011
 

So I’ll do a proper and formal review of Salon 828 soon, but for now, I’m so excited about my blonde hair, I’m putting up a quick post.

This morning when I woke up I was my usual frizzy and frazzled self.  If someone were to ask which celebrity I most resembled, living or dead, surely my “happy little afro” and I would have probably been likened to painter, Bob Ross:

Bob Ross aka my celebrity look-a-like

Not much I could do about it. I try, but aside from my naturally curly hair’s normal rebellion, I was long overdue for a hair cut.  The last time I saw Blake, my fabulous friend and stylist, was back in December.  Although I hope I’m generally a good friend, I’m a bad client.  But even when I’m weeks overdue, Blake always welcomes me back like the prodigal client I am.

Today was no different except Blake is now working at a fabulous salon and spa, Salon 828. Located in Wilmington, Delaware it’s a forty minute drive for me, but well worth the trip.  Today I was treated not only to a hair color and treatment, but Blake also assisted me in crossing off one of my Bucket List items- going blonde.  My fear, as I expressed to you all previously, was that I’d end up with bleach blonde frizz resembling a Q-Tip.  Although I trust Blake totally, the fear was still there.  Do I even have the right skin tone for blonde hair?  Turns out, I do…Blake is a master at her craft and I felt totally at ease.  My hair, although not bleach blonde, is about a million shades away from my dark brown.  For now, I love it.  What fun!

Here’s the before and after:

 

BEFORE

 

AND

AFTER

Doesn’t even look like me, right? Who’s that girl?

Special thanks to owner (and fellow Viking Alumni), Holly and her husband Don, the staff and of course Blake! Salon 828 was recently named on of the Top 100 Salons by Elle magazine, so be sure to check them out! (Full review coming soon!)

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Mar 312011
 

I have an opportunity to cross an item off my Bucket List.  Blake, my favorite stylist, and one of the only people talented and qualified enough to attempt to style my hair, has offered to make me a blonde. Holy shit.  I’ve had high lights, but never sported anything lighter than a chestnut brown.

Changing hair color is probably nothing for some people; I have tons of friends who do it both freely and fabulously.  My fear, my hesitation is because I already hate my hair.  My naturally curly, angry friggin hair.  When I keep up on my cuts with Blake my hair tends to stay slightly tamed and subdued. When I get busy, the kids get sick, we have our usual plans, and life keeps happening then my hair tends to let loose and go natural.  I am approximately 5 weeks overdue for a cut.  Check this nonsense out. This is what happens when I don’t put product in on a humid day.

My Nut House Application Photo

 

So Saturday I will be getting at the very least a haircut, and maybe even a new color.  Let’s just hope I don’t end up looking like a Q-Tip.

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Rinse and Repeat

 Posted by Domestic Diva at 4:19 pm  Uncategorized
Dec 142010
 

I’m not a cuddler, I don’t like snuggling, and I need my own space in order to sleep.  Some people prefer to be coddled and held not just at bed time, but also when they’re sick or not feeling well.  Perhaps there was a time in my life when I was like this too, but in my mind, it’s been since I was a young child.  When I’m injured, sick, or generally not feeling well, it’s best to leave me be.  Even when I was in labor, I didn’t want to be held or comforted, I just wanted to do what I had to do to get it over with and make the pain go away.  To be honest, I am surprised my husband didn’t find me off in a dark place like under our deck out back when the time came for me to deliver. I sort of have a sense why animals do it.  If under our deck was air conditioned and had drugs for a pain-free delivery, I probably would have snuck off alone to give birth.

With that being said, I’m not a total frigid bitch and there are times when human touch makes me feel better.  During times of sadness or stress (or even anger) having my hand held, back rubbed or hair stroked will help me calm down and bring me some solace…when I know the person comforting me anyway.

I didn’t even attempt to find or fight for a reasonable parking space at the mall today.  I pulled my giant Suburban to the back of the lot, and stopped myself from cursing as I crossed the 6.2 miles through the cold and windy parking lot to the mall’s entrance. I told myself to remain calm as I made my way through the busy stores while being hit with shopping bags, stuck behind super slow mall walkers, and even when a mother hit the back of my ankle with a stroller while she chatted on her cell phone and paid no attention to where she was going.

As I stood in the longest department store line in history and waited as three people ahead of me filled out credit card applications, I silently sang Christmas songs in my head in an attempt to ignore my surroundings.  This became particularly difficult because the old man behind me was standing a little too close for comfort, and was apparently stricken with tuberculosis or pertussis based on his thick, hacking, persistant cough.

Finally, after what felt like forever, I was on my way back to my car.  As I made my way down the long mall corridor, I spied several people with coffee, and remembering the long journey and single digit wind chills that awaited me just outside, I decided to wait in just one more line.

Standing in the food court, I began to second guess my decision.  Nearing lunch time, these holiday shoppers were hungry, rude, and growing in numbers.  Again, I found myself in a line a dozen people deep and the “help” at the counter seemed moments away from quitting (not that I would have blamed them).  People continued to cut through the line, and after the fourth person squeezed between me and the lady in front of me without an “Excuse or Pardon me” I felt my holiday cheer draining from my body.  If not for the dull roar of the wind whipping outside, I would have left the line.  I just hate the cold.  “Just hold on, Susan. Just another few minutes of madness…” I told myself silently.  I stood there with my teeth clenched, took a deep breath in, and closed my eyes.

Standing there I tried to calm myself and remember if ever there was a time to remain merry, this was it.  Just as I was about to let it all go and find my happy place for a moment, I thought I felt the back of my hair move.  Eyes now opened, I remained perfectly still.  After thirty seconds, and not feeling any further movement, I relaxed a bit again and took a step forward as the line moved up.

There it was again. My hair definitely moved that time.  This time I took my hand and brushed the back of my hair, too afraid of what I might find and subsequently say or do if I turned around.  Before I could even process what was happening, because trust me when I tell you my mind was trying to come up with a plan of attack, I felt a whole hand (as in palm and five fingers) enter the back of my hair and what i can only describe as “swoosh” around then gently pull my hair as it exited again.

I spun around faster than the woman could put her hand back down by her side and loudly demanded to know what the hell she thought she was doing.  The older woman, and by older I mean old enough to know better, stood there arm extended and mouth open but silent. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I demanded. “Is there a reason you are touching my head?”  I loudly questioned.  She stuttered a moment and said “I saw a piece of red fuzz stuck in your hair and I was only trying to get it out.  Then I thought I messed up your hair so I just tried to fluff it up.  I was only trying to help.”

Now there are very few times I have ever been speechless, and standing face to face with this stranger who was looking at me as if I were the crazy person, was one of them.  Realizing we now had an audience and that the entire line plus two employees were now staring at me, I lowered my voice and said, “You must be off your meds or from another place where it’s acceptable to fondle a stranger’s head.  If it wasn’t Christmas I would….” and I trailed off.  I just stood there for a moment and looked at this stranger’s dumbfounded clueless face and stomped off coffeeless and feeling somewhat violated.

I hoped, as I made my way to the car, that anything gross from the woman’s foreign hands might be blown out by the time I reached my car.  I mean, who the hell knows where’s else her hands have been if she’s willing to stick her hand into my afro (which I totally had thanks to the wind)…As I stood in the shower for the second time today, I just assumed that this is what I get for going to the mall during the holidays (remember what happened last time!), and then I rinsed and repeated.

One of my favorite Gary Larson cartoons

Can you relate?  Ever been touched by a stranger? Are you a stranger who touches others? Leave me a comment!  I’d love to hear from you!

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Zombie Mom

 Posted by Domestic Diva at 9:44 am  Uncategorized
Oct 272010
 

I am Zombie Mom. No, it’s not my Halloween costume for this weekend, it’s my current state of being.  As a parent we all go through periods of little sleep, and when you have kids and things go wrong, you often find when it rains it pours.  Well, it’s been like biblical flooding the last week around here.

I spent most of last week sick myself, battling a fever for five days, and trying to make it through the day.  I accomplished very little, and thank God my husband was doing dishes and laundry in my stead because it would have taken me another week to clean up the mess.  I trudged through my week, and by Friday I was shaking my fist at the powers that be when I woke up with a toothache too.

Friday morning I woke up a sick baby to take her to school so Jake could get his pictures done, otherwise I would have just gone right to a dentist.  Jake picked out his own shirt which I ironed and we talked about how if he smiled nice we’d put his picture next to Joey’s preschool photo.  Since Jake wants to do everything his big brother does, this strategy typically pays off.  Not this time.  Jake cried and threw a fit, so no school picture for him.  His teacher had to hold him to get him in the class photo.

Friday afternoon I was busy packing for a weekend trip to Pittsburgh, when the baby started with a fever.  We haven’t seen my husband’s family in a while, so they said to come out even if the baby wasn’t feeling great.  Packing and cleaning continued and I debated on taking my Motrin with wine but decided that might add liver damage to my ailments and just tried to hang in there.  I knew I’d get more done once the kids were in bed and then….Bang!  Jake slips and smashes his mouth off the end table.  Blood, crying, a front tooth out of place, and an after hours call to the doctor.  Bleeding stops, swelling continues, and I look for more Motrin and that bottle of wine.  We try to get to bed early but all of the kids are up on throughout the night.

Saturday we stay home to reach a pediatric dentist. Finally get a hold of one and after describing Jake’s mouth, he says it can wait until Monday and the tooth may “just” need to be pulled. Baby wakes up with a high fever, and Joey is seemingly the only well child.  I debate on strapping a helmet to his head. He is excited to go to his “best Buddy’s” birthday party around lunch, but by mid-morning has greenish yellow boogerish material weeping from his left eye.  Itching and redness commence, and I give him an easy pink eye diagnosis.  Cecilia’s fever gets worse Saturday night and Jake looks like he lost a fight with a table.  Cecilia doesn’t fall asleep until 12:30am, Jake pees the bed at 2am, and Joey screams and cries cause his siblings woke him up and now has pink eye in both eyes and thinks he’s blind.

Sunday morning rolls around and I double my coffee intake before anything else happens.  I call the doctor’s office and wait for them to call me back about eye drops for Joey’s eyes.  They call back and Joey overhears me say he has pink eye, and cries because he thinks his eye color has changed to pink and pink is “just for girls.”  While I am on the phone with the nurse the baby wakes up with a temp of 104.  I feel panicked for an hour until Motrin kicks in and her temp comes down.  Joey flips out after we give him eye drops, Jake smiles and has swollen purple bruised gums and a crooked tooth, and the poor baby is fussy all day.  Sunday night feels like I’m in the movie “Groundhog’s Day” where Bill Murray’s character relives the same day over and over. Sleep eludes me yet again.

Monday rolls around and I am thankful and irritated to have Joey home from school.  He feels fine, but needs the eye drops administered for 24 hrs before he can return to school.  I listen him whine about wanting to go to school all day.  The baby has a low fever but seems better.  Jake’s mouth improves.  I’m pissed cause Joey missed his school pictures.  Monday night the baby now wants to be rocked again after all the coddling when she was sick.  Her bed time this night is around 1am.

A muggy Tuesday morning finds me barely able to function, and despite a morning shower, I have a frizzy afro.  I battle Joey with the damn eye drops, the baby is feeling better because she’s back to climbing and her usual destruction, but Jake gets progressively more whiny all day. By 4pm Jake has a 102 temp, and after an exhausting five days, I went to bed at 9pm.  Jake is in my bed by 10pm with a 103 fever and a really stuffy nose.  By 1am we finally get him settled in our bed and his rolls, kicks and snores all night. I know his temp is rising again because he feels hot as his throws his arms and legs over me, but since he’s sleeping, I let him go. At 6:15am this morning I wake up to a warm wet feeling, and realize the sick toddler has now just peed all over himself, my bed, and me.

I know there is not enough coffee to get me through the day today as I stand in the shower, and catch myself dozing off under the warm water several times. I am on my third cup of coffee of the day, and I think it will be a triumph if I make it until 3pm when I have to get Joey from school.

So excuse the ranting and the raving and the whining and complaining, I know we all have shitty days…I just feel like spewing it back out into the universe.  If anyone has any suggestions on what sacrifice I can make to the gods of sleep, please let me know.  I’m almost positive it’s not humanly possible to live like this.

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Oct 042010
 

Did you eve feel like you were outside yourself?  Like you were going through the motions, but not totally there? I was having a day like that Monday.  I didn’t sleep well Sunday night, both boys were up at various times through the night, my husband was traveling early Monday morning, and I feel like I’m starting with a cold.  Plus it’s been rainy, windy, overcast and generally depressing outside for the majority of the last week.  Additionally, I think the busy weekend, the second half of which I spent cleaning, is catching up to me.  When I say I was cleaning, I mean I was on a cleaning rampage again after Joey puked in the powder room Sunday evening, didn’t tell anyone, cleaned it up himself using toilet paper, tissues and my hand towel which is now in the trash.  Approximately two hours after we think it happened, I went into the bathroom to replace the toilet seat cover that I had just washed and dried (it had mystery poop on it), and I stepped barefoot in a pile of regurgitated hotdog. Once Joey fessed up and I saw the full extent of the damage, I just let myself go- Cue frantic cleaning of bathroom, rugs, carpet, common surfaces, and children.

Needless to say, I’m exhausted.  I trudged through my Monday, praying for sunlight or at least for bedtime to hurry up and get here.  To make matters worse, Joey was in an awful mood because I kept him home from school.  He had only gotten sick the one time, and I think it may have been from coughing,but he was really pissed he wasn’t at Kindergarten.  Jake’s mood began to decline rapidly through the afternoon as he complained of something in the back of his mouth hurting;  he seems to be catching a cold. Cecilia, who was already Missy-Pissy from getting a row of teeth, is now presumably developing whatever funk(s) her brothers have caught.My husband, who normally works from home, got out of this infirmary just in the nick of time.

Monday evening I waited for a break in the rain to take the trash out to the curb, and finally just said forget it.  With the rain pouring steadily down, and a rip in my trash bag from my shitty JcPenny’s trashcan,  raw chicken juice and other undesirables dripping onto the floor, I ran outside quickly and without closing the door.  Before I was off the deck I knew the open door would result in a ton of water, so I called out to Jake to close it, and I ran down the steps of the deck into the sopping wet grass.  After pulling the can out to the front curb and soaking my pink plaid pj pants from the ankles down, I skipped a few steps on the way back up to the back door.  My hand pulled hard on the door, and I slipped backwards for a moment, almost losing my balance. I reached for the door to try again and still it did not move. Jake did listen to my request and closed the backdoor, but he had also locked the sliding glass door and disappeared somewhere else in the house.

As I knocked on the back door, calmly at first, I hoped Jake was simply raiding the pantry and eating cookies while I stood out in the rain.  There was no movement from the kitchen and even though I knew the front door was locked, I moved around the front and began to ring the bell.  I began peering in the family room window and caught my 15 month old daughter’s attention and she began playing peek-a-boo as I stood in the cold feeling my cheeks begin to burn from the persistent whipping winds.  It was also at this point that I began to knock on the door with a bit more purpose as I realized I was outside wearing an old white hoodie, plaid pink pj pants, multicolored striped socks and black dress shoes.

I knew where the boys were and why they were not responding to my furry of knocks.  They were down in the finished basement playing games or watching a movie.  It was at this point I knew I had to get their attention down there, so I proceeded around the side of the house and opened the lid to the egress window. As I made my decent I slipped on the slick plastic ladder and fell into the bottom of the window well and the lid crashed loudly behind me.  I heard the boys start screaming bloody murder as my ass and legs crunched into the pea gravel bottom.

“Boys! Boys! It’s ME! Go open the door! Jake locked me out!”  I screamed.  As they rounded the corner and ascended the stairs, I considered for a moment (or two) just giving up.  Even for a Monday being locked out, soaking wet, and covered in gravel was a bit much.  However, the thought of what Cecilia might be climbing, or what Joey and Jake might decide to “cook” in my absence gave me the extra courage to rise to my feet, climb the slippery ladder and finish out the day.  It’s times like this where the act of rising to my feet, soaking wet and dirty, climbing that precariously slimy ladder only to emerge right back into the shit storm I just left, felt like a metaphor for my life.

I was happy to see the front door open as I made my way around through the yard.  I smiled as Jake greeted me with a kitchen hand towel to dry me off, and told me “Don’t worry Mom, Joey’s making you a cup of coffee…”

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Sep 282010
 

She seemed to glide, almost swan like, over and around puddles through the pouring rain.  It cascaded down her umbrella, and she smiled as tiny raindrops splashed around her.  She still had a youthful grace, and as the wind kissed her face it blew her curls upwards.  She giggled as she pranced through the parking lot and finally skipped over a large puddle and up over the curb. She was finally close enough for him to realize he did in fact know her, although  she seemed not to see nor recognize him yet.  He gallantly swung the door open to let her inside.  As she scooted past into the lobby of the store she thanked him, but still had not looked up.  She shook her umbrella and played with a curl which had stuck to the side of her face.  “You’re welcome, Susan.” he said coolly.  Surprised she looked up and finally met his gaze.  Although it had been a number of years since she saw him last, for a moment, it seemed like yesterday. In reality it was almost like a life time.  They had dated, before she even met her husband, and was in the “prime” of her life.  She was young, 21 or 22 years old, working out daily, eating well, no real responsibilities.  For a moment she felt self conscious…perhaps he sensed it too because he said “It’s really wonderful to see you. The years have certainly been kind…you look as beautiful today as you did 10 years ago…”

Not.

Sadly, it was not exactly that way.  The storm was unforgiving, and as I ran from the back of the parking lot, the rain beating down on my umbrella, the winds began to blow my hair (and umbrella) upwards.  After struggling through puddles and pouring rain, I quickly said screw the umbrella and nearly ran over a man trying to get inside the lobby of the mall.  I excused myself as I barreled passed him, umbrella now fully inside-out and hair half soaked ready and willing to begin frizzing. “Well, Susan…”he trailed off. “You always were rather rude.”  I looked up at the man’s face, a familiar one, a ghost from my past.  It had been nearly a decade since we had seen each other, and aside from a few lines and a slightly receded hairline, he looked much the same.

I swiftly apologized for nearly stabbing him with my inside-out umbrella, and told him he looked great and asked how he’d been.  After telling me about his job and family, he indicated someone had told him about my blog and he had read a post or two I had written.  He then proceeded to lean in closer to me and say, “you must be exaggerating though because you don’t have a mustache (read here or here or here if you didn’t read what he did), but you do (insert dickish laugh) have some 5 o’clock eyebrow stuff going on!” and laughed loudly.

I then feel my face contort in a manner which I had no actual control over, and I instantly remembered how un-funny this man was a decade before.  Apparently, some things never change.  Perhaps this was a look he had seen those ten years ago, because he then quickly apologized if he “insulted” me.  He then began an awkward ramble of how he thought the blog was “funny” and how great it was that I “put myself out there like that,” and that my kids were cute and I “looked good, real good…considering…”

At this moment his pointless babble was only further irritating me, and if I could have grabbed the proverbial shovel he was using to dig himself a deeper hole, if only to strike him over his head so I could go about my shopping, I would have done it.  Instead I held up my hand and motioned for him to “shush.”  I then told him it was “nice” to see him and it brought back a lot of old “memories.”  He started to speak, but upon looking in my eyes, nodded and we walked our separate ways.

As I went about my shopping and pondered how he managed to get even dumber than he was ten years ago, it also came to me that maybe it was a little my fault as well.  It’s easy for me to sit here at my computer and put up what I think are amusing stories or to share things about myself (like my mustache) that normally not everyone might be privy to if you saw me in person.  I also don’t broadcast some of my more embarrassing moments (read here or here or here), to everyone I see.  So as I sit here and type about how I was insulted when someone pointed at my Tom Selleck style mustache or eyebrow stubble, I guess I only have me to blame. Perhaps if I wasn’t broadcasting across the world wide web and poking fun at myself, most people wouldn’t be bringing it up?

So people…if I see you out on the street and you happen to read these blogs, I’d love to hear your opinion and any stories you might have that will make me feel better about my own often disastrous life, but please (please!) take it easy on me.  Let’s keep the mustache jokes to a minimum; I’m actually more sensitive than I appear! (Plus, I might blog about you!) Jackass!

If you like the post, give me a vote on Top Mommy Blogs with just two clicks!  Click this link (unique to my blog) and then “Click to Vote” to cast an automatic vote for me! http://www.topmommyblogs.com/blogs/in.php?id=susan78

I’d love to hear from you too…leave me a comment!

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