anyone can be an asshole »

Murgled

Posted by Domestic Diva at 12:34 pm Uncategorized

Apr 042011

Looks unassuming enough, right?

I pulled into the empty gas station early Saturday morning and quickly filled up my tank. Relieved that the adjacent ATM enclosure was also empty, I made my way to get some cash. I parked my car in front of what I call the ATM hut and went inside. Just as I put my card into the machine I heard a loud vehicle come to a stop just outside.

I turned around to see an old white windowless cargo van parked just outside the door. I immediately felt uneasy as I looked around the still vacant parking lot through the glass enclosure which was the only thing separating me from this suspicious vehicle parked not in a space, but just outside the doors. The sound of the ATM beeping impatiently brought me back to the task at hand and tried to keep my mind focused as the questions kept popping up on the screen:

CHECKING OR SAVINGS

Why is that van sitting there nearly blocking the exit?

SELECT A DOLLAR AMOUNT

Okay, there’s at least two men in the front. Why are they just sitting in the van? What are they doing…or rather what are they plotting??

THERE IS A RIDICULOUS FEE TO BE MURGLED (MURDERED AND BURGLED) IN THIS ATM HUT. DO YOU ACCEPT?

So this is really happening. I don’t even have any pepper spray on me. I only carried my keys and debit card in here. At least I have my shit kicking heels on; they can try to murgle me in here but I’m gonna take out some eye balls and testicles when I go.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU NEED?

Other than a cop, or some brass knuckles? No, that’s it. Here I go.

GOOD LUCK- YOU NEED IT.

Okay, the ATM didn’t say that last part.

I stood a moment longer facing the ATM, placing the cash and receipt in my back pocket. I positioned my car keys between my index and middle finger, ready to stab at whichever would-be-murlger approached first. I put on my “I’m-fucking-crazy-and-you-don’t-want-any-of-this-face” and headed towards the door. My plan as I opened the door was to walk past the back of the van so they couldn’t pull me into the front. I wondered if I should start screaming as I walked out into the parking lot, or with no one around, if my energy would be be conserved for kicking someone in the balls.

Armed with my keys and crazy face I took my first step out of the ATM hut and had my crazed eyes fixed on the man staring out the passenger side window. Whatever these bastards were up to, I knew after the last three minutes, wasn’t gonna be good. I went to take my second step, the one I knew would be the most precarious, the one that would take me right past the windowless sliding back door of the serial killer van.

Just as my foot, secure in my fabulous leather black boots, hit the pavement the back door of the van was thrown open with a loud and thunderous crash. Although fully prepared for my impending attempted murgle, I yelled out, leaping backwards into a half crouched ninja like stance.

It was then the van exploded with laughter from three men who appeared to be ~~total assholes~~ painters.

This band of morons obviously sensed my apprehension and thought it would be funny to scare the shit out of me first thing on a Saturday morning.

I paused, flipped off the gang of morons, and got into my car.

Once seated in my car with the doors securely locked I breathed a sigh of relief. Although now I was totally pissed, I appreciated that I would live to write this post. As I sat there a moment composing myself, I resolved to A) not drink as much coffee in the morning B) Start watching less 48 Hours Mystery, 20/20 and Dateline (some lady is always getting murgled on those damn shows) and C) always carry my pepper spray with me to the ATM. It really does no good in my car when I’m being murgled in the local ATM Hut. Plus, it would have totally foiled that van of morons “funny joke.”

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Toddlers vs. Assholes…Continued.

Posted by Domestic Diva at 6:44 pm Uncategorized

Mar 222011

I ran a post last month titled “Toddlers vs. Assholes” where we explored how some behaviors, when exhibited by a toddler or young child (we’ll say under 8yrs old), are considered appropriate because of the age of the person acting out the behaviors. When you take these same behaviors and imagine an adult doing these same things, you’d probably agree and say they were a real asshole.

Am I saying all toddlers are assholes? No.

Am I saying just because someone is four years old they can’t sometimes act like an asshole regardless of whether their actions are considered age appropriate? Oh, I think anyone can be an asshole….

Many of you gave some really great additions to my first list that included announcing the need to have a bowel movement loudly while eating at a restaurant, bending over while bare assed after pooping and asking if they were “good” in front of company, and just yelling words like “Boobies” without cause and while in public to name just a few.

Now, as many of you know, I live with three ~~assholes~~ small children. Whether it be for emotional support or to feel better about my own situation, I tend to hang out with other people that have ~~assholes~~ small children. With so much interaction with little people, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that my list has doubled since my last post. This concept, I have a feeling, will be an ongoing feature.

This list has the newest items first with the older post’s items included as numbers 11-20. As with the original list I’d like to you to take a moment and imagine each behavior acted out by a small child as well as by an adult….what would you say? Typical toddler? Just an asshole? You’re the judge.

I give you Toddlers vs Assholes, Part II.

1. Someone who spits chewed food into your hand

2. Someone who picks their nose and puts it on a wall/school bus seat/friend

3. Someone who coughs in your mouth while you are talking

4. Someone who participates in a “farting contest” until they poop in their pants

5. Someone with uncontrollable legs that kick your car seat for the duration of the ride

6. Someone who unfolds or dumps clean folded laundry

7. Someone who touches/fingers food on your plate without invitation to do so

8. Someone who draws with crayons/markers/pens all over tables/desks/walls/doors/floors/self

9. Someone who pees in the backyard rather than take two minutes to use an indoor toilet

10. Someone who fills up a watering can in the toilet and calls it “helping”

11. Someone comes in your room at 6am, on a Saturday, wakes you up by jumping on your bed and demands that you immediately get up and make them breakfast.

12. Someone starts screaming at the top of their lungs in the middle of the night. You frantically go to find out what’s happened only to be told they are thirsty and want a cup of juice.

13. Someone goes to the bathroom and calls you to come wipe their ass when they’ve finished pooping.

14. You try to take someone by the hand to guide them in a particular direction and they instantaneously lose all muscle control and become totally limp. You must now drag said person to the place you were trying to go.

15. Someone, even though they can use utensils, throws forks and spoons on the floor and eats with their bare hands. This includes foods like cereal with milk and macaroni & cheese.

16. This same person will often rub their food into the table and chair, throw some on the floor, rub some in their hair, and occasionally on anyone sitting within arm’s reach.

17. Inside voice? What’s an inside voice? The quieter the place, the louder this person talks.

18. You are in a public place such as a restaurant. The time comes to leave and this person throws an epic fit. They scream, they yell, they cry. They demand you stay and refuse to listen, quiet down, oh, and they go limp…again.

19. Someone takes their personal belongings and randomly dumps it all over the floor all around your house. When you ask them to pick up their stuff they ignore you, say something “smart,” or begin crying. You end up picking up their personal belongings.

20. Someone tells secrets, lies, or personal information about you to total strangers. For example, they could answer your door and tell the UPS man that you are unable to come to the door because you are currently busy pooping. There’s no good reason for that.

As I said, this list will surely grow with time…anything you feel should be added? Agree? Disagree? Leave me a comment, I love hearing from you!
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Butt Fingers

Posted by Domestic Diva at 10:46 am Uncategorized

Mar 152011

I didn’t just wake up one morning a total germ freak. I’m a product of my environment. I developed my chronic hand washing/sanitizing as a result of seeing some really disgusting and foul things over the years. Now that I’m a Mom, and my kids are still young, I’m battling to keep them healthy in a dirty, disgusting world.

Just so you understand, and don’t judge me too harshly, here are some of the reasons I am why I am:

If you’re new, you may have missed the incident last year where I was trapped in a car and forced to pee in a Huggies Size 6 diaper (you can read that one here). Now, had I just used a public rest stop bathroom, I wouldn’t have had this problem. My issues with public toilets had been building for quite some time, but one incident that occurred when I was twenty really sticks out and was probably one of the biggest contributors to my public toilet phobia.

I went on Spring Break with three of my roommates to Cancun, Mexico. On the next to last day of the trip, I was so drunk and dehydrated that I drank melted ice water from a beer cooler at a bar. Genius right? The last day of our trip (and for another three weeks after) Montezuma had his revenge. Long story short, our plane was delayed going home and the airport was under renovations. When I finally located an open bathroom, there were only two stalls. The first door slowly creaked open to reveal a clogged poo and pee filled bowl that made me gag instantly. I stumbled backwards and felt a shift in my own bowels that was the only thing propelling me forward to the next stall. I bargained with God, swearing never to drink again of this next toilet was workable, and cautiously approached the door. After the door opened far enough for me to see the only other available toilet, it revealed a horror my brain could have never comprehended before. The seat…the seat….I’m sorry this is hard for me even now….the seat was COVERED in pubic hair. And just so we’re clear, I mean the entire seat was covered in HUNDREDS of short, dark and curlies.

I remember standing there just totally sick, hungover, and tired staring at the seat for a minute. Then I began to cry. My mind couldn’t comprehend what could have taken place in that stall. It was one of the worst things I had ever seen, and if you’re a believer in post traumatic stress, I’m telling you I had it after that. I’ve never looked at a public toilet the same way again. So what did I do? I cried a while and I stood in the bathroom holding my stomach and wishing I was back in the States. A friend said she’d stand guard and I could go in the sink, and then a stranger came in with the same travel related illness. This girl was either crazy or a super hero, but either way she braved the pubes and the crabs I was sure were there too, and wiped the seat down. After she cleaned and used the toilet, I layered about 7″ of toilet paper on the seat but still hovered, praying my ass wouldn’t catch anything from being within 3 feet of that previously furry seat.

That was just one incident in a foreign country’s airport. Surely, my experiences here would be better? Or not. I worked for years in a corporate setting, with various levels of management, and I can’t even begin to count how many times while using the bathroom at work, that I would hear a toilet flush and then the door open and close. These people just wipe, flush and walk right out of the bathroom without washing their hands. These nasty people, many times slipped in and out without revealing their identity. Who were they? Who knows…was it the person using the copy machine or fax ahead of me? Maybe. Were their shitty hands punching the same buttons I would be using? Were they hitting the elevator buttons and then heading to the cafeteria? Were they handling the cups and sticking their poop-ridden hands in the ice (don’t even get me started why someone’s bare hand need be in the ice machine)? Perhaps. Were they someone in a meeting who would shake my hand? Could be. So when coworkers would tease and joke with me about my hand sanitizers and Clorox wipes, I would always smile and laugh too, but who knows, maybe they were the ones not washing and then carrying on with their day happily spreading shit (literally) around.

Bad news for some folks was if I caught them trying to leave without washing, I would say something. Not embarrassing for me; they’re the nasty ones. Anyway, my point is, I’m like this because of the things I’ve seen time and time again. I’m like this because every time I see something I thought was the worst possible thing I could see (like the pube toilet), someone does something worse.

Without further delay, I give you the worst possible thing I could see someone do in public. I’m pretty sure I would go postal on this lady if I saw this. (If you watch Tosh.0, you probably saw this on last week’s episode. If you don’t watch Tosh, and you are easily grossed out, don’t watch this nasty ass-digging lady who could live in your town, pump from the same gas pumps, shop (and handle) the same produce, share the same library books, etc, etc, etc).

Tosh.0

Tuesdays 10pm / 9c

20 Seconds on the Clock – Dingleberry Season

tosh.comedycentral.com

Tosh.0 Videos

Daniel Tosh

Web Redemption

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Toddlers vs Assholes

Posted by Domestic Diva at 11:08 pm Uncategorized

Feb 262011

Certain behaviors, if they were done by an adult, would result in them being called an asshole. These same behaviors, if acted out by little people (young children, not midgets), would simply cause many to just shrug their shoulders and say “typical toddler.”

Read these examples below which are listed in no particular order. Try to imagine an adult exhibiting these behaviors and what you’d say. Now picture a toddler and do the same.

1. Someone comes in your room at 6am, on a Saturday, wakes you up by jumping on your bed and demands that you immediately get up and make them breakfast.

2. Someone starts screaming at the top of their lungs in the middle of the night. You frantically go to find out what’s happened only to be told they are thirsty and want a cup of juice.

3. Someone goes to the bathroom and calls you to come wipe their ass when they’ve finished pooping.

4. You try to take someone by the hand to guide them in a particular direction and they instantaneously lose all muscle control and become totally limp. You must now drag said person to the place you were trying to go.

5. Someone, even though they can use utensils, throws forks and spoons on the floor and eats with their bare hands. This includes foods like cereal with milk and macaroni & cheese.

6. This same person will often rub their food into the table and chair, throw some on the floor, rub some in their hair, and occasionally on anyone sitting within arm’s reach.

7. Inside voice? What’s an inside voice? The quieter the place, the louder this person talks.

8. You are in a public place such as a restaurant. The time comes to leave and this person throws an epic fit. They scream, they yell, they cry. They demand you stay and refuse to listen, quiet down, oh, and they go limp…again.

9. Someone takes their personal belongings and randomly dumps it all over the floor all around your house. When you ask them to pick up their stuff they ignore you, say something “smart,” or begin crying. You end up picking up their personal belongings.

10. Someone tells secrets, lies, or personal information about you to total strangers. For example, they could answer your door and tell the UPS man that you are unable to come to the door because you are currently busy pooping. There’s no good reason for that.

I’m willing to bet if it was an adult doing these things, you’d probably agree and say they were an asshole. If it was a toddler, you’d say something like “Ah, terrible 2′s” or maybe “horrible 3′s.” Your reaction to a story involving any of the above will vary greatly depending on the person’s age.

Since this was originally posted, the list has been expanded. You may enjoy “Toddlers vs Assholes…Continued”

Agree? Disagree? Did I leave any out? Leave me a comment…

While you’re here, give me a vote on Top Mommy Blogs! Just click the link below for an automatic vote. Thanks!

Anyone can be an azul

Posted by Domestic Diva at 9:04 pm Uncategorized

Feb 012011

Maybe it’s the constant onslaught of winter weather, but I’m feeling a wee bit bitchy lately. I feel like I’m going to look back at my posts in a few months and diagnosis myself with chronic PMS or something.

As I sit here now, listening to freezing drizzle hit the window, I’m not lulled or calmed by the melody of the sound, I’m annoyed. This, in part, is because we seem to get a winter storm the same time every week, and it keeps falling on my grocery shopping day.

I walked into the store yesterday, already irritated, at lunch time behind an elderly woman with a cane, a team of shopping friends (wth?), and a family. This I never understand either- why are both parents out with three kids? If you have two available parents, one of you should keep your infant, young baby and toddler at home…and the other does the grocery shopping (don’t forget the birth control!). Anyway, I was on a time crunch and had just 40 minutes before my husband’s lunch hour was up. Normally, this would be a tight time constraint for my weekly trip anyway, but with the store packed with snow-a-phobics, I knew I was in trouble.

As I weaved my way down one aisle after the next, I felt like I could be a champion on the old show, “Supermarket Sweep.” I checked off one item after another, maneuvering between shoppers, carts, stray children, stock boys and the like marveling at the speed and good time I was making. It’s times like this I do feel like I’m domestically gifted, and just as I was making my way down one of the final aisles, I encountered one of the sixty or so seniors doing their shopping too.

The woman smiled kindly at me, and I watched as her 90-something year old arm trembled as she attempted to reach something on a shelf that was just out of her arm’s reach. “Here,” I said, “let me help you. What can I get for you?” I smiled as I pulled the box of dark brown hair dye down from the shelf, and tried not to giggle as I saw wisps of her white and brown hair peeking beneath her scarf. “Good for you, Grandma,” I thought silently as I handed her the box. She studied it for a minute, and I was then instructed to remove two or three more boxes searching for the right shade of brown. Just as I thought we finally found it, I heard a loud commotion just behind me and a string of curse words.

Coming to a stop was an older man on a motorized scooter. My cart was stopped next to the old woman’s, blocking the man’s path. I quickly apologized and went to move the cart when the man said, “People are so damn inconsiderate!” I stopped behind my cart, turned, and asked the man to repeat himself. “You’re blocking the whole damn aisle.”

I stood there for a moment and considered hitting him in his fat, wrinkly head with a bottle of shampoo, and then had a quick daydream about kicking him off his store-borrowed rascal scooter (he didn’t look incapable of walking, he looked lazy). Instead, I just said, “I’m terribly sorry to have slowed you down and caused you such a terrible inconvenience as I helped this woman reach a product off a high shelf. To help you make up for lost time, let me just give you a heads up, the tampons and Midol are located in aisle 12 now.” He just glared at me, and to my delight, the old woman began to chuckle. We both had a hearty laugh as the lazy old man motored past us.

“What an asshole that old guy was!” I complained to my husband as I brought my bags inside. “I mean, I know we’ve had this conversation before, but I don’t care if you’re 4 years old or 70-something like this guy, just cause you’re old and maybe even disabled doesn’t mean you’re excused from acting like an asshole!”

Jake, overhearing the conversation, chimes in with “I learned that azz-hules on Dora are blue.”

I immediately stopped what I was doing and tried to process what he was saying. He then questions, “So some azz-hules are old and some of them are blue too?”

Then it clicked. “First, Jake, please don’t repeat my bad words. Don’t say asshole or ‘azz-hule‘ as you said. Secondly, it’s azul, and azul means the color blue.”

Jake, clearly irritated with me, just said, “well, people can be azul.”

“Yes, yes they can, Jake. People can be azuls…it’s a good life lesson. Oh, and why don’t you ask your brother about blue people.”

Cheer me up! Give me a vote! It just takes one click of the link below. Otherwise I may end up kicking old men in wheel chairs. You can help. Oh, and leave me a comment too?

10 things you should probably know about me

Posted by Domestic Diva at 11:37 am Uncategorized

Dec 192010

I’m a pretty open book, and I tend to share things that maybe other people would find embarrassing like the time I was felt up by a stranger at the grocery store or when my kids scatter the lawn with tampons, or most recently when I flashed my Fedex guy. That’s all well and good, but there are some other things that don’t come up day to day, that I feel you all should know about me. It might save you the time of thinking I’m a good person. So here’s a quick list that may change your mind about me.

I do recycle; however, my recycling is only picked up once every two weeks and I have been known to throw recyclables in the trash when my recycle can becomes full.
I drink regularly from plastic water bottles.
I use Lysol, Clorox and bleach. There are no “green” cleaning agents in my home.
I use antibacterial hand soap, Purell, and other germ killing products. Blame me if a “super bug” develops.
I curse. Shit, ass, damn, bitch and even fuck. I’ve also been known to curse in front of my kids.
I own a very fuel efficient Honda Civic which gets 42 miles a gallon. I also own a Chevy Suburban that gets .08 miles per gallon.
I eat what some would call “Bad” foods including but no limited to butter, cheeses, transfats, saturated fats, oh and animals. I particularly love cows and pigs.
I purchase products made in the USA….and China, Taiwan, Indonesia, Germany, Mexico, etc., etc.
I think everyone has the capability to be an asshole. A person’s age, gender, occupation or race is no exception. Two of the biggest assholes I ever met were 83 and 5 years old.
If I lived in the frozen tundra, like Nanook of the North, and I was freezing, you’d bet your ass I’d wear a seal as a hat.

It seems like someone, somewhere is always offended. Lighten up people.

If you share my opinions feel free to leave a comment. otherwise, I’ll save you the time of me not approving or deleting what you had to say later. Did I mention I have issues with constructive criticism?

If I haven’t totally turned you against me, or hell, if you’re even with me on some of these, give me a vote on Top Mommy Blogs with just one click of the button below you can cast an automatic vote for me. With every vote you place you may or may not be helping combat global warming. Are you willing to take the chance and not vote? Think of the children.

Murgled

Toddlers vs. Assholes…Continued.

Butt Fingers

Toddlers vs Assholes

Anyone can be an azul

10 things you should probably know about me

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Twitter: @NoDomesticDiva