The truth hurts. This is especially try when the truths I speak of are about what my body is now like after three kids and rapidly closing in on my 33rd birthday. Sure I could exercise, but I could also just as easily sit on my couch whining about my girth while shoveling down a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. In most cases you get out of it what you give, and I’m okay with where I’m at…that doesn’t mean I don’t have a whole lot of room for improvement, or that I can ignore the truth about what’s happened to my body.

Here are some of my inevitable body truths as they stand today:

  1. No matter how hard you try, you cannot suck in “back fat”
  2. Driving in the car with the windows down and my arm up may result in severe under arm skin flapping (similar to that of a large gummed dog with his head out the window of a moving car).
  3. My boobs look like they belong in National Geographic.
  4. Due to the sheer size of my thighs, running in corduroy pants is not advised. This may result in sparking and unintentional fires.
  5. Muffin Top. Get used to it.
  6. Forget college funds, I need to start putting money into a Laser Hair Removal Fund. Either that or begin tweezing my eyebrows twice a day and hope that Tom Selleck Mustaches come into fashion soon…for women.
  7. I wish I could go back in time and kick my twenty year old self right out of the tanning bed. Instead I’m left applying creams, doing facial exercises, and considering pawning some jewelry to pay for Botox.
  8. With my hair’s natural tendency to form an afro, and now the number of gray hairs sprouting up, I am beginning to resemble Don King from a distance.
  9. Many areas now have the consistency of Jell-O
  10. Due to fat deposits, cellulite, and some random broken veins, shorts have been removed from my wardrobe.  Capri or cropped pants are now a more flattering choice of attire, and they also do not tend to give me a front wedgie which forms when my thighs try to swallow the front of my shorts.
  11. Laughing, coughing or sneezing may result in peeing your pants

Have you noticed any changes since getting older and/or having kids?  What inevitable truths are you living with?  Feel free to share, leave me a comment below and if you like the post you can Share it by using the Buttons right at the bottom of the post!  Show me a little love too by click once to cast an automatic vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs just below.  It builds my self esteem.

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Jun 072011
 

A phobia is defined as an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something.  Key words there being extreme and irrational. I’ve always been prone to make a big deal out of things, and a fair adjective to describe me would be dramatic.  So when I say there are things in this world that scare me, know that what I am trying to convey is that there are things in this world that simply terrify me.

I got to talking to a friend about one of my phobias, and then I began listing a few others.  By the end of the conversation my friend was in tears and giving me a referral for a shrink.  Some of these irrational fears I’ve conquered while some I battle every day.  So, in the event that of you thought I was even a little sane, here’s some of my irrational fears (or are they?):

1.  An Appearance by the Virgin Mary

I’m a recovering Catholic, which I’m sure I’ve mentioned before.  I attended church every Sunday as far back as I can remember, and I attended Catholic School beginning in Kindergarten and continued until I graduated high school.  After seeing a VHS (or BETA) movie in elementary school one day where the Virgin Mary appeared to some children I began to fear that the Mother of Christ would appear to me and make me deliver a message or do something holy. I would try to fall asleep as fast as I could each night in order to not see Jesus’ Mom in my bedroom.  While most kids were afraid of the “Boogie Man,” I was afraid of a divine visitation. When I told my own mother about this one day, all she could say was, “Boy, you sure think highly of yourself.”

2. The Birthing Doll

This crocheted catastrophe is my newest phobia, and it’s been terrifying me since last week when Babble posted an article with this Birthing Doll.  Pediophobia, the fear of dolls, isn’t exactly what I have, but I couldn’t find an exact match for the extreme fear of a knit doll with a super bush and scary boobs with another doll that resembles Bert from Sesame Street coming our of her crocheted crotch.  Perhaps even more terrifying is that these dolls go for $200 a pop.  This thing is so bizarre to me, I can’t imagine a use for it other than terrifying people like me.  Special thanks to my friend Blake who said it looks like the thing from the movie, The Ring.  It will be chasing me in my sleep some night very, very soon.

3.  John Quiñones & the “What Would You Do” Crew

I’m not as nice as I may seem on the internets.  I have very little tolerance in real life for ignorance and stupidity, and I have been known to express my opinion to complete strangers that are acting like douche bags. My fear here is that John Quiñones and crew would stage a scenario with people doing ridiculous stuff (as they do every week on the show), and I would be filmed telling off an actor playing the part of some average asshole. This of course would undoubtedly embarrass the hell out of my parents (and probably my husband too), and the whole world would know what a loud mouthed bitch I truly am.

4. Octomom

Bringing the fear since 2009

Is Octomom contagious?  Is her condition hereditary or could any Mom develop this at any time?  A person with this level of crazy terrifies me.  If there was an Octomom vaccine available (FDA approved or not), I’d take it.  Three kids, each two years apart is challenging enough.  I can’t imagine eight at once.

5. Mall Santas

Photo from http://www.holytaco.com/25-creepy-mall-santas/

My parents have photographs of me crying, screaming, reaching for the safety of their arms while I am being held (against my will) by a mall Santa. I remember the panic I felt, and I still get the creeps around these…creeps.  I hate malls Santas. I fear mall Santas.  My kids have never sat with a mall Santa.

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Green with envy

 Posted by Domestic Diva at 2:51 pm  Uncategorized
Mar 302011
 

When you become someone’s mother your entire world changes.  You feel things you never thought possible and you do things you never dreamed that you would do before…but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Have I ever told you that green is one of my favorite colors?  Well, it’s one of them. My two favorites being red and green even though I have an borderline obsession with wearing black and white. Anyway, green is everywhere this time of year.

It’s in the grass….

 

It’s in the trees…

 

In the animals who slowly awake from their winter’s slumber…

 

So when Joey called me to come “look at the green,”  my mind was focused on the color of the season.  Did he draw a Spring Landscape?  Was he admiring the greening grass?  Perhaps our tree buds had burst open into leaves?

As I skipped, with a “spring” in my step, and rounded the corner, all hopes of a desirable Spring scene were shattered as I saw Joey, not peering out the window or coloring in his room, but standing bare-assed in the bathroom grinning at the toilet.  I sighed a terrible sigh and swiftly made my way towards the boy.

“Are you sick, Joey? Do you feel okay? Do you have diarrhea?” I quickly question.

“No, Mom. I’m totally fine. It’s just a regular poop, buuuuuut look, Mom! Look how green it is!  It looks like a group of green snakes sleeping in the toilet.” Joey giggled.

Almost afraid to look, I peered cautiously over the bowl and saw the greenest bunch of turds ever.  Think neon green…

Actual green snakes

You didn’t think I’d post poop pictures did you?  Come on! Give me a little credit!

Anyway, this is when I share one of those motherhood lessons I’ve learned that not too many people know.  When I saw Joey’s otherwise normal turds,(and here’s where you do things as a Mom you never dreamed of doing) and saw the bright green neon color I didn’t panic.  In fact, I told Joey to wipe, flush and wash his hands.  The I went down stairs and finished some emails.  Did I do that because I’m a bad Mom?  Because I don’t care about my child’s health?

The simple answer is I’ve seen it before…panicked once before….called the doctor once before….and knew we had the same situation as before.  You see, Joey had recently celebrated a friend’s birthday.  In honor of the celebration they ate cake.  Delicious chocolate and vanilla cake with blue icing (at least the Batman part of the cake).  So Joey joyfully celebrated, ate and digested the birthday cake with blue icing.  The blue icing, once it goes through the digestive system, actually comes out green. Really, really green.

So, Mamas, if your child ever poops a neon green poop that glows ominously at you from the toilet, and as your heart thumps anxiously and your mind races through different ailments to reach a diagnosis, try to think of any blue or purple food coloring/dye they may have consumed.  It just might save you a panic attack, and don’t worry, they most like are not radioactive.

You’re welcome.

(And because some people actually need me to write this: This post and my opinion about your child’s crap is not a substitute for real medical advice. I am not now, nor have I ever been, a licensed physician.  Sometimes poopy problems can be attributed to viruses, digestive conditions, allergies and more things I am not qualified to talk to you about. If you child has a poop which concerns you, please contact your pediatrician to discuss your shitty situation.)

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Big Ones

 Posted by Domestic Diva at 11:42 am  Uncategorized
Feb 162011
 

I hate when people point out that I have big ones.  Obviously, I’m aware; they are on my body after all.

Although,  I cannot blame my kids for this body condition; unlike many other things that are going wrong with my body such as my Tom Selleck Mustache, gray hair and fine lines/wrinkles, my big ones have been… well, big, for quite some time. I can even recall people speaking, often in hushed voices, about my big ones since I was in my early teens.

At this point, I can’t even tell you their exact size.  To be honest, I’m not sure I want to know. My big ones cause certain people to stare, look longer than I feel is really necessary, and have been the centerpiece of some uncomfortable situations.  On one occasion, someone called an “associate” over to take a look. How awkward!  Are my big ones that noteworthy? Even after I had my children, my big ones have been referred to as:

  • Impressive
  • Well above average
  • Massive
  • Jumbo
  • Colossal
  • Plump
  • Much more voluminous than expected

There really isn’t anything I can do about it now.  They look large whether I’m wearing a turtleneck or a V-Cut.  My big ones appear massive in any kind of light.  Since I can’t attribute this to pregnancy/hormones/nursing, I guess it could have a genetic link.  At this point, even after diet and exercise, they remain over-sized, and I suppose the only way to reduce their girth would be through surgery.

“Here we go again,” I thought.  Today, upon meeting a doctor for the first time, he even took an extra long look.  “I know this may feel a bit awkward, but hold still just a moment longer,” he said as he studied my big ones. My face felt flushed and I felt more than just a little awkward as this so called ‘doctor’ examined my big ones oh so thoroughly. I would have assumed that since he was a doctor (and a man of his age), he would have seen his fair share of big ones, and wouldn’t need to hold such a lingering glance at mine.  Finally, his exam concluded but not before he gently rubbed all over them.  This motion actually made me feel nauseous for a moment.

“I should ask to see this guys diploma,” I thought. “Was such a comprehensive rub-down of my big ones really that necessary?  This guy probably could have made a diagnosis just by looking at me. He probably gets some sick pleasure from getting all up on someone’s big ones like that,” I silently contemplated.  “This guy’s first name could be ‘Doctor’ for all I know.  I wonder where he went to medical school…” but then my inner dialogue was cut short.

“There,” he said pulling his hands away, “you’re all finished.”

“Great,” I said looking at the ‘Doctor’ suspiciously.

“We’ll get the results of your throat culture in a few minutes.  Has anyone ever told you that you should have had your tonsils out a long time ago?” he questioned. “They are some of the biggest ones I’ve ever seen.”

“It’s been mentioned once or twice,” I casually replied.

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Diagnosis Unknown

 Posted by Domestic Diva at 9:55 am  Uncategorized
Jan 052011
 

So my original intention was to do a post on New Year’s Resolutions…three days ago.  Life, as usual, has sidetracked me.  If you read my last post, you know we spent much of our holiday vacation with sick kids.  On Monday, one week after my daughter was seen and treated for an ear infection, she broke out in a rash.  It now is from the top of her head all the way down to her knees.

The exact diagnosis is unknown, but the doctor suspects either a drug reaction to the antibiotic (which she had never had before) or a virus.  So since Monday morning, I’ve basically been in panic mode watching one more red spot after another pop up on my daughter’s skin and grow into red blotchy clusters.  I’ve been taking her temperature (which has remained normal- which is more than I can say for me), pressing on the spots to make sure they “blanch,” and paying close attention to certain areas like the palms of her hands and soles of her feet.  I am thankful for two things at this point. 1) The doctor said the original ear infection cleared and 2) The rash doesn’t seem to be bothering her at all.  In fact, the worst part about it for Cecilia is dealing with my constant poking and prodding.

This morning, Cecilia’s face seems a little better and the red clusters have faded a bit, so we’re still doing a “wait and see” approach with whatever this is.  Now that I think she’s not at risk of some kind of anaphylactic shock, I’ve settled down a bit too.  So maybe I can start working on the New Year’s Resolution I never end up keeping…

Here’s a picture of what my sweet little baby normally looks like:

Cecilia Thanksgiving 2010

Here’s what my sweet baby is dealing with now (this was yesterday morning- hope her outfit doesn’t clash with her skin):

And here’s last night, probably at its worst (keep in mind these are from her scalp all the way to her knees):

I hope we’ve seen the worst of it, and like I said, I’m so extremely thankful that it doesn’t seem to be bothering her at all. Joey think she looks like a leopard and Jake keeps calling her a “leper” (which for the time being I don’t find funny) and telling me to make sure she’s not growing a tail.  I’ll be keeping an ever watchful (and annoying) eye on her until the last spot goes away.

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Dec 092010
 

I am clearly disturbed, like really friggin’ disturbed, on some deep, subconscious level.  Perhaps you all already know this, and perhaps I already know this too, but in the event there was any doubt, let me remove it for you now.

I’ve been dreaming weirder than normal dreams of late, and as a student of psychology I am deeply concerned about what my subconscious might be trying to tell me.  Some people say dreams are a fascinating insight into unconscious thoughts and feelings, but the dream I had last night makes me want to call my insurance company for participating psychologists in my network.  I need immediate medical mental attention.

The air felt cold on my exposed skin, and as I laid face down on the lumpy old mattress, I had a hard time determining if the stagnant smell was from the room or the uncomfortable fabric beneath my face.  I lifted my head slightly to examine the room I was in which appeared to be more like a cave or a tunnel.  It was dark and empty, and although it was hard to see more than a few feet in front of me, I knew I was near water.  I heard heavy flowing water coming from all directions -over, under, all around me.  I heard drips and drops splashing in all sorts of unseen puddles, but I also heard a man humming an unfamiliar melody from right behind me.  As I attempted to push myself up with my arms to see who was with me, I became suddenly aware I was unable to move.  An immediate feeling of panic set in and I tried, without any success, to prop myself up again.  As I tried to free my arms I felt a rough hand against my face and an equally rough voice telling me to stay still.  The man tugged and pulled at fabric that I could now feel was wrapped snugly around my body from my neck all the way down to my ankles.  He continued to hum as he worked, presumably fastening the restraints around me.  Abruptly, the man pulled the fabric tightly and lifted me to a standing position.  I still couldn’t tell what was secured around me or who this man was that was evidently holding me captive.  He began forcing me to move forward and I found it nearly impossible to walk since my legs were stuck together.  I waddled as quick as I could, taking painful bare-footed baby steps across the unstable surface.  This man was large, and although I hadn’t yet seen him, I could feel how large he was as he poked and pushed me through the cold, wet tunnel.  The ground crunched and gave way beneath his powerful steps, and as we pushed further down the tunnel I began to feel cold water and debris rushing around and against my feet and ankles.  The massive unknown stranger continued to force me forward, and the further we moved the deeper and faster the water became.  Nearing the end of the tunnel, light began to penetrate and I could finally see that I was wrapped in a white knit afghan.   I immediately felt my face get hot and suddenly felt embarrassed wearing only the holey (not holy) white fabric.  Upon reaching the end of the tunnel it was clear that we were high off the ground, and the water continued past where we had stopped and turned into a frigid waterfall (Picture the movie “The Fugitive” just before Harrison Ford jumps away from the federal agent who was chasing him).  My mind seemed to freeze and my thoughts drifted to nothing as I looked out over the great abyss. Water continued to move and push against the back of my legs, and suddenly I felt myself spinning wildly. For a moment I thought I had gone over the edge, but when the world stopped moving, I found myself face to face with my very, very naked captor…

Dog the Bounty Hunter just stood there totally in the buff for a moment and stared at me. He made no gestures and spoke no words, only stared blankly in my direction. As I struggled to keep my footing he began to take a few steps backwards.  Next, without any warning, he ran in my direction and karate kicked me in the stomach. His one kick was more than enough to send me flying back over the falls.  As I fell to my apparent death, I looked up and saw him standing at the tunnel’s opening, still totally nude.  The last thought that crossed my mind as I was plummeting downwards was how I was not at all surprised that his carpet did not match the drapes.  Yes, that’s right, I wasn’t afraid of dying, wasn’t trying to determine why he was killing me, not how he had come to hold me captive, or even why Dog the Bounty Hunter had knit me into an afghan cocoon.  My last thought before waking was “there’s a big surprise, he’s not a natural blond.”

So there you have it. I’m crazy. I’ve got to be absolutely nuts.  First of all, I don’t watch (nor have I ever watched) the Dog the Bounty Hunter show on A&E.  Secondly, I think he is super gross and I have never thought about him naked, and to be perfectly honest, prefer not to even think about him clothed. But there he was, in all his glory, naked as the day he was born, humming,  knitting, and ultimately killing me in my dream last night.  So if any of you have any ideas about why I might have a dream like this, or what it might mean, keep it to yourselves.  As for me, no more wine and Hershey bars at bedtime…and maybe it’s what i get for suggesting pubic hair dye as a (terrible) holiday gift.

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Nov 282010
 

On occasion I find the smallest task suddenly becomes overwhelming.  Sometimes it is with cause and other times it is without it.  This last week, for me, it was the laundry.  “Really, Susan? The laundry?  I have real problems,” you might say.  And to that I’ll just say, that we all have “real” problems and as I repress the hell out of mine, they manage to manifest in other ways, like through the damn laundry. Anyway, my point to this post is that sometimes when life seems to be piling up and stress is building and even the laundry is conspiring against you (multiplying through osmosis or something while you sleep), it’s good to just take a step back, look at the situation, and write some bad poetry.  No, really. Well, it works for me anyway.

My husband had been traveling for a week and just returned home early Wednesday morning, so housework had gotten away from me while I was manning the fort solo.  Then I had some extras sheets from my Mom who came down to help me from killing the kids me entertain the kids, a suitcase from my husband, two of the kids were sick and I had to wash all the bedding plus their curtains (humidifier made them funky), plus my holiday throws, pillows, towels, etc. etc.  So basically my laundry room looked like a disaster area with piles and piles (even the piles had piles) of laundry.  I was so worried about being overcome by the laundry, which must have a mind of its own since it was obviously reproducing, that I tied a rope around my waist and another around the couch in the adjacent room before I went in; and at least I could attempt to pull myself free.  So as I spent my weekend feeling repressed and overcome with anxiety about the laundry, I began to make little rhymes in my head and jotted a few down on paper.  You’ll be able to find these, I’m certain, attached to the commitment papers when my husband takes me to the nut house:

Laundry-Smaundry

You are no fun

You are never done

Rinse and spin

I’ll never win

Dark and light

a housewife’s plight

You agitate

Oh! how I hate

the laundry.

 

Ode to Laundry

Such futility deadens the soul

Cycle that never seems to end

Thankless task takes its toll

Constant onslaught, unable to mend

Segregated and solitary piles stand

Some are dark, some are light

All are soiled and must be made clean

The job is mine, no one lends a hand

With no resolution, it’s not worth a fight

Sounds like a nightmare, or the housewife’s dream

 

Laundry Haiku

The endless cycles

You define futility

Wash, Dry, Fold again

 

 

So as I battle my S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and fight to keep the holiday spirit among all the stress it can bring, I am promising to put myself in an occasional time-out.  It’s amazing how a glass of wine and a couple of silly poems can help lift my spirit…now, I’m off to switch the laundry…again.

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Oct 092010
 

Do you know why this October is significant? Do you think it’s because this October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays all in 1 month?  This happens once in 823 years. Pretty freaking special, huh?  Well, that’s not it.   This October is my every other October. Six Octobers ago I became pregnant with my oldest, Joey.  Four Octobers ago I became pregnant with Jake. Two Octobers ago I became pregnant with Cecilia.  I blame the harvest moon or something out there in the cosmos, but whatever it is, this is my month.

Here we are again.  Fifteen months after I had a baby, and even though I had my husband neutered last December, I fear maybe it didn’t “take.” And this Mama isn’t taking any chances.  I’m ready to revert back to the husband/wife separate beds from the 1950′s…at least until November 1st.

Today, I found myself shuttering when I looked in the mirror.  Perhaps it is because of the 27+ months of maternity wear that I endured over the last six years, but I had a flash back when I put on my shirt today.  No, no. It’s not a maternity shirt.  After my daughter was only a month old, I got rid of all of it..every single maternity item.  It was my way of saying to myself 1. You will not be getting pregnant again if for no other reason that now you have nothing to wear and 2. You better hurry up and lose weight because all your comfy maternity clothes are g-o-n-e.

So as I looked at my reflection in the mirror, for a moment I wondered if this shirt had somehow managed to stay hidden from my maternity-wear purge last fall.  I removed my shirt, unsure of myself, and verified it was a “normal” shirt, the Baby Doll tee,  from Victoria’s Secret.  This is their actual description of the tee:

“From our Daily Tees Collection. The most fashionable fit, day in and day out. V-neck. Long-sleeves. Empire waist… A wardrobe essential, perfect under cardigans, layered with other tees or on its own…Made from 100% pure cotton for a smooth, soft feel and a sexy fit.”

The Victoria's Secret Baby Doll Tee, in chocolate, making me look like #4 is o the way

Um, okay.  So why do I get the feeling like I look pregnant in this thing?  Many of the maternity shirts are made with empire waists, so I’m not sure if I’m having a wardrobe flash back, or if I’m wearing a style that just makes me look pregnant.  I’m also on high alert code red this month given its significance, so that may be influencing my perception of myself in the Baby Doll tee.  After three kids, I also worry my body type has changed.  I’m not big in to fashion (obviously) given my lifestyle, but I’m wondering if I’m choosing unflattering clothing for my shape…which is a circle (just ask Joey).

I’d ask my husband, but he always gives the “safe” husband answer of “you look fine,” and I’d ask my best friends, but they lie. I know it’s to be nice, but they always do and that doesn’t really help me at all.  I need a fabulous and fashionable gay man to tell me the truth.  I have a good male friend who happens to be gay.  He used to tell me when I looked fabulous or when my poor choices in attire were “tragic.”  I always knew good or bad he was being honest.  I miss him; He lives in NYC now.  When I was eight months pregnant and nearing the size of an orca whale, I tried to cheer myself up with a new pair of sandals.  I met him for lunch the next day and asked him what he thought of my obviously fantastic selection in footwear.  He scooted his chair next to me, hugged me, and took my hands in his. Then he told me the shoes were fabulous, but the cankles were not.  Now that is a best friend.  Anyway, I have no one now who will tell me the truth, so if you see me walking around, knowing it’s my October, I’ll save you the awkward conversation. No, I’m not expecting.

p.s. Thanks to Alison for the trivia about this October; I totally stole that from your Facebook status:)

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Earlier this week, I told you about my horrible Monday which included three sick kids, monsoon rains, getting locked outside in the pouring rain, and falling down a window well trying to get back into the house.  This whole week has been a blur to be honest.  My husband has been in Arizona all week, my younger two kids haven’t been sleeping from all the congestion/fevers they had, thus I have not been sleeping either.  Thankfully, my Mom came and stayed Monday night until yesterday so I could take Joey to and from school without having to drag two sick kids along as well.  It also helped to have someone be able to watch the baby who is transforming into some sort of monkey who climbs and swings from everything and anything and cannot be left alone for more than 15 seconds at a time.

After five nights of no sleep, last night I felt like a total zombie.  After cleaning up, getting the kids in bed, and finally eating dinner around 9pm, I was exhausted.  I laid down on the couch to watch TV around 9:30pm and I must have passed out.  I was having even weirder than normal dreams, and even though I had fallen asleep on the couch, I didn’t wake up.  My immune system is also battling whatever the kids had, so that just added to my exhaustion/delirium.

I was on a large boat and dressed in formal evening wear. I wandered the halls looking for a familiar face but saw only strangers.  I felt awkward in the sequin dress and felt as though these strangers where staring at me as I meandered through one long hallway after another.  I finally came to a set of double glass doors that took me to a large outdoor deck.  On the opposite side of the deck, which seemed hundreds of feet long, there was another door.  I walked carefully as the boat swayed but still managed to bang my shin on a deck chair that slid into my path.  The wind increased too and I was unable to keep my hair from my eyes. I tried to walk straight to where I thought the door would be, but was feeling blind and off balance. After stumbling around for a minute, I finally reached it.  With the wind at my back, still blowing all my hair forward into my face, I struggled with the knob for a moment. Once it finally turned though, the wind threw it all the way open nearly taking the door clean off.  It crashed loudly against the wall and I heard the sound of glasses shattering against the floor as I made my way inside.  I battled with the door for a moment, pressing my back against it forcing it closed despite the wind’s attempt to keep it open.  Once shut, I felt a thousand eyes on me but heard nothing.  Looking around the ballroom I saw the damage caused by my ridiculous entrance and at least five hundred people looking in my direction.  One of my nearest and dearest friends emerged from the crowd but didn’t say a word.  She put her hands on my shoulders and turned me to a mirror.  Not surprisingly, my hair was a hot mess of frizz and volume and I was confused why or how there were an assortment leaves in my hair.  Even more startling, however, was my lipstick which seemed to have been applied by a blind person with a severe arm tick.   The deep red color was all over my lips as well as above and below. My hands immediately clasped over my mouth, I went to run out the same way I came in. My friend, still silent, handed me a small tube that said “Eraser” on it and made a motion with her hands to her lips that I should wipe it off.  Still feeling off balance, I put one hand on the wall and began trying to erase the lipstick from my face. Round and round I went, staring the reflection in the mirror the whole time. Round and round trying to undo the absurd red streaks all over my face.  Then, unexpectedly, I felt the need to chew.  Whatever it was had an odd foreign taste and I began to gag.

When I woke up I was somewhere between a chew and a gag standing in my kitchen.  That’s right- I was standing in my kitchen.  For the first time in my life, as far as I know, I had been sleep walking.  My guess is that the unbalanced feeling, along with feeling like I couldn’t see came from walking around unconscious.  The hair is an affliction I live with daily and I’m not surprised to see it incorporated in my dreams, and the “eraser” was actually an object I picked up off my counter.  The object was also the reason for the funny taste and gagging which continued even after waking.  Just like in my dream, I had generously applied something to my lips…Chap Stick.  Round and round I went, on my lips, around my lips with the Chap Stick.  At some point I must have slipped or penetrated my lips and hit my teeth.  I ended up chewing a chunk of Chap Stick which I think had about the same amount of girth as a mint.

So after trying to spit out Chap Stick only to realize it was coating my teeth, I tried to rinse my mouth with water before finally going upstairs to brush my teeth at 3:26am.  So add to my growing list of afflictions, sleep walking.  Plus, I’m on a diet; anybody know how many calories are in a tube of Chap Stick?

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False Alarm

 Posted by Domestic Diva at 9:29 pm  Uncategorized
Sep 292010
 

A few years ago, shortly after moving into my newly constructed home, fire trucks went around and had to evacuate some of the homes in our neighborhood due to a gas leak.  We heard and saw them driving up and down streets and really didn’t have a clue as to what was happening.  Our home was one of the first completed in our phase and for a number of months our closest neighbor was 2 blocks away.  When the trucks finally reached our house they informed us we had to leave until the leak was under control.

One day, several months later, we were enjoying a beautiful Saturday with the boys and had the windows open.  I began noticing a strong odor tainting the steady breeze we had blowing into the house.  After an hour or so, it became so bad that my eyes began to water, and once I noticed the boys were suffering the same smelly symptom, I shut the windows.  I began to worry there was some freak chemical leak and the kids were going to suffer permanent damage from breathing in toxic fumes.

However, after an hour or so with the windows shut the smell seemed to dissipate.  My husband had also given me another talk on my tendency to overreact, and I finally began to relax a bit.  That is, until I heard the sirens.

At first, the sound of multiple firetrucks began off in the distance miles away.  Slowly, over the next several hours, the sound slowly got closer and closer.  I kept alternating between the window and my computer scanning for news on a chemical leak.  My husband’s theory was maybe it was a wedding or something for someone in the fire department. Ridiculous! I knew he’d be singing a different tune once we were evacuated and being treated for toxic fumes at a local Red Cross Shelter.

The sun had now begun to set on what I feared was the last day of our lives.  Just after dark I saw the lights coming. Three trucks began driving through the development with lights and sirens. “Get the kids!! Joe, get the kids!! We’re leaving!!”  I shouted.  I wasn’t about to wait for them to go to the other 150 homes first and risk further damage to my kid’s lungs.  We were clearly at the other end of the development and I remembered how long it took for them to inform all the other residents of the gas leak the winter before.

Have I mentioned before I might not be the best person to have around in a true emergency? I grabbed a clothes basket, threw in several outfits for each of us, several empty clean bottles, formula, granola bars and diapers.  I then grabbed a case of bottled water in the event we needed uncontaminated water for baby bottles.  If I had gas masks I would have grabbed them too.

“Susan, shouldn’t we wait and see what’s happening” my husband boldly questioned on the front lawn.  “Do you want to risk the health of your children?!  Cause I don’t!  I call from the car…Let’s.Go.Now.” I frantically pleaded.  My husband, God Bless him, in times like this probably just assumes it’s better to go along for the ride (literally in this case).  So off we went.  I remember turning around and looking back at our house, who knows when we’d be back. I said I silent prayer for those brave fighters who were risking their own health to evacuate the whole town, I supposed.

I called my parents first, my mother was obviously confused as to why we were coming to her house, and I quickly hung up the phone and called the fire station. “Hello, I’m calling about the fire trucks driving through our neighborhood.  We’ve already left and I wanted to know where the leak was…” I said.  “Ma’am, I’m sorry did you say leak? What leak?” the male dispatcher questioned.  “You know the leak. We smelled it earlier; it was so bad our eyes were watering. We closed the window, and we heard your trucks for hours.  I didn’t want to wait until they got to our house like the last time there was a leak.  I have young children; we left the house.  Are you saying there’s no leak?” I questioned.

At this point, I do not look over at my husband who I can feel looking at me. “Uh, Ma’am…our guys participated in a national tournament and won something pretty big today.  They’ve been celebrating by driving through the town, parade style,  even in and out of the developments.  We got first place and the guys are showing off…” he said seriously but with an obvious effort not to laugh at me.  “Now, what’s your address, we’ll send someone over to check out the leak.”

As we headed back home, my husband took the boys and said “when the trucks get here, this is all you!”  So I sat on the front stoop, waiting for the breeze, no praying for a breeze, so that the firemen could smell the toxic fumes on the wind.  As the trucked pulled up to the house, and I saw it was full of firemen in their gear, I contemplate just throwing myself under the shiny red truck.  The panic of my children being in danger was wearing off, and the realization that I’m a total spaz was setting in…after the ten or so volunteer fire fighters unloaded off the truck, one identified himself as being in charge.  I began to tell him about the gas leak in the winter, the smell in the morning, our eyes watering,  and finally the trucks coming in the neighborhood.  The entire squad (or whatever a gaggle of firemen is called) began to laugh.  In his best effort to remain professional, one began by asking me a question.  “How long have you lived here?” Knowing for sure I was an idiot at this point, I replied less than a year.  He asked if I ever smelled anything similar before and I told him I had not and this was my first self-determined evacuation. “Well, you see, Ma’am, there’s a Hanover Food’s Plant on the other side of town…and on days like today, when the wind is really whippin’ you can smell it all the way over here at your house.  I smelled the very same thing this morning.  They must be processing onions.” Cue a roar of laughter. “So the strong odor (which to this day I swear was not like any onion I’ve ever had) which made your eyes tear was just them adding onions.”

The good news about this day was that I realized you cannot die of embarrassment. The bad news is that I have to chaperon my son’s class to the fire station (the same one where these heroes are from) on Friday.  Did I mention this was a small town?  I’m thinking of dying my hair, wearing a mustache and dark glasses.  Did I also mention that this was only one of a couple super embarrassing events in the last couple years with said fire station?  I’ll save the others for another day, but keep me in your thoughts and prayers for Friday. I feel another “moment” coming on…

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