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Well, I’m enjoying yet another Mid-Atlantic Sprummer where we seemed to have skipped over the moderate and median temperatures associated with Spring, and have gone from our frigid winter weather right into sweltering heat and oppressive humidity. In fact, as I sit here in my living room with the blinds closed, a tall glass of tropical punch Kool Aid (yeah, I said it), and as close as humanly possible to the nearest vent constantly blowing cool air, the heat outdoors is well into the 90′s with the heat index simmering around 102 degrees.

Over the holiday weekend the temperatures at the beach were not quite as unbearable, however, no one would argue that it was anything other than hot with heat indexes into the 90′s. The occasional gust of wind felt like someone’s hot breath hitting your body, so there was little alternative to cooling off other than taking a dip in the pool, bay or ocean. Having a cool beverage was also a must, and I was alternating sips of my bottled water and pressing the chilled bottle against my face, neck and chest.

Despite my best efforts the heat and humidity left me with a beach afro, flushed skin and the inability to stop sweating. If I had a bikini I would have worn it just in the hopes that less clothing would equate to a cooler body temperature. As we sat roasting on the beach, I was trying to come up with some new ways to stay cool…like an air conditioned bathing suit. Thanks to Google I found the next best thing. It’s the Cooling Water Bikini:

Photo thanks to Oh Gizmo!

Apparently with the Cooling Water Bikini you can enhance your bust and quench your thirst when you fill it with cool water (or wine?). I’m not exactly sure of the mechanics, but I think you’d just need to be conscious of how much fluid you’re drinking from each cup. The last thing you want is to end up lopsided boobs at the neighborhood pool…awkward!

What are your tips on beating the heat this summer? Leave me a comment before I order one of these!

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Moms this isn’t a list for you, but for those who are buying you gifts. Forward these to your adult children, husbands, boyfriends, partners or whomever else may be purchasing your Mother’s Day gifts.

So what gifts should you avoid? Well, many women (not this Mama) don’t like household items or appliances, so it’s best to avoid them unless you know for sure the recipient Mom is interested in such gifts. Jewelry and spa days are widely accepted among every mother I know, but keep an eye out for the unusual or unique gifts like the ones below:

1. The Slipper Genie. I love slippers, and I know I just said I don’t mind household appliances (by that I mean Margarita Makers or Blenders for my ~~fruit smoothies~~ Strawberry Daiquiris), but don’t by the Mom’s in your life mops…or in this case any footwear that doubles as a mop. Go buy her some super soft, comfy slippers she can relax and kick back in, not ones to clean your floor.

2. Measuring Tape Belt. Most women would love new accessories. New shoes, scarves, purses, belts, etc. are usually a safe bet. However, most women (especially those who have grown and expelled baby humans from their bodies) prefer not to wear their measurements on their clothing. Any belt that will show the width of a woman’s waist should be avoided. Oh, and if this is a joke, I can almost guarantee she won’t find it funny.

3. The Cuchini. Have you ever tried to give a person hints through gifts? For example, my brother bought my Mom a waffle maker one year because he loves waffles and *hint, hint* he wanted her to cook waffles more. I’ve also bought a coat for my husband, even though he already had one, but it was because the one he was wearing was terrible. Something that’s beyond terrible, even if the Mom in your life needs it is the Cuchini. The Cuchini gets rid of camel toe (see photo below). Even if your favorite Mom wears bottoms that are too small, crotch cutting bathing suits, or tiny hot pants, don’t buy her the cuchini. It’s got to be one of the worst gifts ever.

4. The Wine Holder Necklace. “But Susan, you said jewelry!” This is not what I meant. I love wine and I love jewelry, but spilling wine is a sin in my book, and this is just absurd.

5. Facial Flex. Does your favorite Mom need and/or want plastic surgery? Does she have loose droopy skin? Although I would totally accept Botox as a Mother’s Day gift, you stand a good chance of insulting Mom by giving the gift of a face lift. Also avoid products that claim to workout facial muscles. She’ll still have saggy skin and she’ll look like an idiot.

6. Treadmills, Gym Memberships and Shake Weights. Even if the mother in your life complains that she needs to lose weight or get in shape, please do not buy her any kind of weight loss equipment, gym membership or get in shape quick product like the shake weight. It’s almost always a no, no.

7. Portable Speaker Shoes. Does the Mom in your life love music…and shoes? Well, look what I found over at Ladies Gadgets…no wait, don’t.

8. Privacy. What Mom doesn’t want a little privacy? This, however, is not what your Mom is talking about.

9. Rejuvinique Face Mask. Unless your Mom is a serial killer, perhaps your money would be better spent on buying her a facial.

10. This might belong with the exercise equipment, but it’s so ridiculous and I am personally familiar with this, so I gave it its own number. My Mom owned this workout VHS. She never would do the video around us, and I just hope to God we didn’t give it to her as a gift.

So go get that Mama you love some bling, a day at the spa, a gift certificate to her favorite store, but whatever you do, just be good to your Mothers and don’t get them anything on this list…

What’s the worst Mother’s Day gift you’ve ever given or received? Leave me a comment and take a quick second and vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs with just one click! Click the link below to cast an automatic vote for me:

Coolest Boobs on the Block

Bad Mother’s Day Gifts