Yesterday I was standing in line at the grocery store and I saw something sticking out of the back of the woman’s hair in front of me.  At first glance I thought it was a long piece of fuzz.  I got her attention and thoughtfully told her she had something in her hair, and I was a bit taken aback by her annoyed look followed by an weird and vigorous shaking of her head which purposefully that was tossing her hair around.  I actually took a step back as she took the awkward route in uncovering five or six feathers placed in her hair on purpose.

Now by no stretch of the imagination do I consider myself trendy, so I just apologized and stood there silently for 10 more minutes while waiting my turn wondering why I ever open my mouth in the first place.  I was still so bothered by what I saw, and the woman’s reaction, that I turned to Google when I got home.  Some of the feathery images displayed by Google images were of one or two colorful feathers in women’s hair, but what I saw, in my defense, in the woman’s hair at the grocery store, looked more like a pigeon’s ass.

I was really bothered by yesterday’s encounter.  I mean, I know I’m not trendy, but am I really as far out of the loop as the stranger’s face indicated?  So I turned to Google again.

I entered my search criteria, Fall Fashion Trends 2011, and clicked enter.

The results?  Apparently, I am much further out of the fashion loop than first guessed.  I hated most of what I saw on the trends lists…and this is the stuff sold in popular retailers, not even the weird crap they put down the runways that no one actually wears.

So here are some of my picks for the worst Fall Fashion Trends for 2011.  I am also going to preface this again with a disclaimer that I, myself, do not claim to be a fashionista, and these days I’m all about comfort and what works for me. This may explain the maternity underwear I still sport 2 years+ after my last pregnancy/birth.  So if you wear any of the following, good for you, I just don’t get it.

Worst Fall Fashions of 2011

1.  Feathers.  I’m going to be honest, I don’t get it.  One or two and I’m not going to judge, but put a bird’s ass in your hair, and I’m gonna stare.  This photo is much worse than the one I saw in the grocery store, but based on what was in her head, I bet she’d think this was hot.

It looks as though she may have caught bird flu from the pigeon that appears to be impaled on her head. Poor girl.

 

2. The “Cropped” Trend.  This fashion fail has festered from Spring and Summer into the Fall Styles as well.  At first, I was hoping this was aimed at a younger crowd; however, several top retailers have this in the Women’s Category just like the one at Macy’s pictured below.  How’s about half a sweater, showing most Women’s problem area, complimented with lace sleeves? Fancy and fem (and for about $100).

I wonder if it comes in a shade that will help me bring out my stretch marks. They're starting to fade and I need some color to help them "pop."

 

3.  Ponchos.  You know the old saying, “The camera adds ten pounds?” Well, if you ask me, the Poncho adds twenty.  I don’t care how big or small you are, this doesn’t look good on anybody.  This trend is viral too and all over the internet.  From Old Navy to Ann Taylor and through the retailers like Macy’s and Bloomingdale’s you’ll find Poncho sweaters frumping (is that a real word?) out women worldwide.  So unless you’re looking to add some pounds, or at least appear like your packing some on, I’d avoid the poncho. Help me end this one, please.  The photo below is a poncho style sweater for just $325.00.  Let me save you some money, go buy a single sized bed sheet, cut 1/4 off and discard. Take the remaining 3/4 sheet and cut a hole for your head. Pin up some loose kimono sleeves and you’ll look like you stepped off the runway!

Take this girl for example, she's probably 85lbs soaking wet, but with a poncho, I'd guess 100 big ones.

4.  Booties.  What’s a Bootie you say?  Well, I’m glad they used an synonym for ass because these things are awful.  Think of the ugliest shoe you can imagine and cross it with a boot.  The offspring is a bootie.  Check out this pair from Marc Jacobs (say it ain’t so, Marc) complete with tassels.  You’d sooner see me with tassels on my ta-ta’s before you saw me pay $390 for some of the uglist shoes, excuse me- booties, ever.

They look like a pair of ugly men's dress shoes turned boot...for just under $400 ...what a steal!

5.  Fur.  As the weather gets colder this year, fashion designers want to be practical and offer clothing and accessories that provide warmth.  Bloomingdale’s suggests on their website that it can be real or faux and that just adds to the mystery of the garment.  It’s so Fall 2011!  How pissed would you be if someone threw paint on your faux fur hat? Well, maybe you’d be mad if it was this one from Bloomingdale’s for $385. Oh, wait, it’s not a hat, it’s a just a hood (minus a coat) and is it real or faux?  It’s mysterious and stupid. Check out their full line of fur vests, hats, and other atrocious attire here; it was hard to choose my least favorite (and I’m not even a hippie).

It's a little gray rabbit hood. No, really, it is.

6.  Hats.  It takes a special kind of woman to pull off a hat, and I fear the wrong kind of people are going to be spending too much money on something that makes them look ridiculous.  Because seriously, how many women do you know that can pull of a felt fedora…really?

 

7.  Plaid.  Well, not just plaid. I’m fine with a little plaid here and there. It’s preppy, it’s colorful, and it is a cold weather pattern I like.  However, this season’s trend with many designers is plaid on plaid.  This should be a crime.  Especially when the plaid on plaid is different colors and in sequin.

Again, I’m no fashion expert, between my maternity underwear and my green (wo)man suit, I probably have no room to talk (and that’s not even mentioning the leopard leotard), but I hope these trends will fall out of style faster than the leaves fall from the trees this season.  Otherwise, I may literally become the least trendiest person I know in my boot cut jeans, v neck sweaters/layered tees and regular old boots.

So am I alone here?  Are these as bad as I think they are, or have I lost touch with what’s in since I spent so much of the last five years in maternity clothes?  Leave me a comment and let me know if I’m “in” or “out” this season.
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