funny colonoscopy story »

Well, I made it through my colonoscopy. As many of you who had been through it before told me, the prep really was the worst part. There were also quite a few of you who told me that you would be undergoing the same procedure yourselves soon, so I thought I’d share a few things that I’ve learned from my experience.

1. For some people, the party gets started rather quickly after beginning the prep. For me, I took two laxative pills and drank three mixtures of Miralax and Sprite before anything actually happened. I almost went out for some milk and bread, but the strange noises coming from my gut warned me to stay home. Thank the sweet Lord I didn’t leave the house, because when the laxatives begin to do their magic, you had better be within feet of a toilet.

2. When taking laxatives, particularly in such large doses, never ever trust a fart.

2a. For that matter in any instance where you are taking copious amounts of laxatives never (ever) trust a sneeze, cough, or even giggle without sitting on the toilet first.

3. Plan ahead. In my last post I showed you my essentials basket, but I should have paid attention and planned to start my prep as early as possible. There is no way I would have imagined going to the bathroom from 7:00pm until 7:30am the next morning, but it happened. I literally used the facilities for the last time ten minutes before I left for an hour long drive in the car the morning of the procedure.

3a. Don’t plan on sleeping much, and should you drift off to sleep, expect to wake clenching your butt cheeks together and dashing in the dark for the loo. Sleeping on the toilet might help, or at the very least, leave yourself a light on.

3b. Use a GI facility that is a short distance away. Although I was finally empty by the time I hit the road the morning of the procedure, I had horrible visions of myself pooping on the shoulder of the interstate.

4. Keep a sense of humor, and if you don’t have one, get one.

5. My doctor told me that for my symptoms he would have liked to do an endoscopy (tube down the throat) too. I told him that if we were going to do both a tube down my throat and one up my ass, I’d prefer to keep my “scopys” separate….or at least do the tube in my mouth first. He laughed. I assume you’d have to have a good sense of humor when you’re working with assholes all day.

6. I had never been put under anesthesia before, and I was a little nervous. I’m still amazed that the last thing I remember thinking was “oh, it’s just all going black,” and the next thing I know a nurse was waking me up in a recovery room where all I heard was people around me farting.

7. For those who don’t know, part of this procedure for some, is to have air put into the colon. Before they will permit you to go home, you have to pass gas. I literally found myself surrounded by people farting loudly and multiple times on purpose.

7a. Farting is always funny.

7b. If you have to fart in a room full of strangers, have fun with it. Mine sounded like the tunes played by the aliens in Close Encounter of the Third Kind. (Click here to listen to the five notes.)

8. You get to take home colored pictures of your colon and insides. I’d share mine, but I do have some pride left.

9. It wasn’t really that bad. If you’re over 50, have been having GI symptoms, or have a family history that would require you have this done, do not wait and just do it. Yes, you’ll have to fast from food for a day, spend the night pooping more than you ever dreamed possible, and have a tube shoved up your arse, but it’s better than being sick or dying from otherwise treatable conditions if you waited too long.

10. The good news about GI problems, a day of fasting, and all the prep is that you’ll feel really skinny all day!

So that’s my story, at least what I remember of it. I almost would have preferred the drugs for the prep day.

My doctor seems to think it is probably Celiac’s but I’m going to need further testing. Good news is that I am beginning to feel better now that I have eliminated all wheat (I used to tolerate small amounts), oats, rye and barley from my diet. Hopefully I can stay skinny long enough to enjoy it. My scale, after my poop-a-thon, had me down to a record low in recent years! I haven’t seen anything that in this current range since high school!

Special thank you to everyone who has emailed, commented on here and Facebook as well as Twitter sending me good vibes and well-wishes. Your support really means a lot, probably more than you could know! Thank you so much!