Sharing Secrets

 Posted by at 1:44 pm  Uncategorized
Apr 122013
 

Some secrets are made for sharing…

For example, I recently discovered a way, without diet or exercise, to fit into a bikini in about five minutes.

For some women, the cost is about $30-$40, but for many women, you already have this secret in your closet.

So what’s my secret?

Let me show you…

SPANX-KINI

That’s right, ladies!  With a simple pair of SPANX, you can hide those problem areas like thighs and tummy while sporting a bikini!

Thanks to my new SPANX-kini I’m able to suck and tuck in a little as 5 minutes with absolutely no diet, exercise or plastic surgery!

No one will see my tiger stripes (stretch marks) or (most of) my cellulite….and it offers great sun protection!

So hit the beach in style and don’t worry about skipping the boardwalk fries….I know I won’t!

*Actual time may vary depending on how long it takes you to put on SPANX
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May 062011
 

In honor of the upcoming holiday, here’s a short poem to commemorate real life motherhood. It’s one I’m sure Hallmark will be wanting to pick up for next year’s Mother’s Day cards.

Your Mother

Eyes with bags

Boobs that sag

Skin once smooth and tight

Now covered in cellulite

Then there’s stretchmarks, spider veins and the like

All from giving birth to a little tike

Her weight is now distributed in the weirdest of ways

Facial hairs sprouting, along with some grays

The worry lines are the first wrinkles to come

Because this Mother’s job is just never done

A taxi driver, cook, teacher, and a maid

Can you believe your Mom doesn’t get paid?!

The job is a thankless and tiring one

Her body is destroyed when all is said and done

So give her a break and not just Mother’s Day

She works hard but needs some time to play

Let her take a nap, read a book, pour her a glass

Just never ever comment on the size of her ass!



Happy Mother’s Day!

 

Leave me a comment while you’re here and don’t forget to give a vote with just one click of the link below. I sure do love you Mothers!

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Nov 282010
 

On occasion I find the smallest task suddenly becomes overwhelming.  Sometimes it is with cause and other times it is without it.  This last week, for me, it was the laundry.  “Really, Susan? The laundry?  I have real problems,” you might say.  And to that I’ll just say, that we all have “real” problems and as I repress the hell out of mine, they manage to manifest in other ways, like through the damn laundry. Anyway, my point to this post is that sometimes when life seems to be piling up and stress is building and even the laundry is conspiring against you (multiplying through osmosis or something while you sleep), it’s good to just take a step back, look at the situation, and write some bad poetry.  No, really. Well, it works for me anyway.

My husband had been traveling for a week and just returned home early Wednesday morning, so housework had gotten away from me while I was manning the fort solo.  Then I had some extras sheets from my Mom who came down to help me from killing the kids me entertain the kids, a suitcase from my husband, two of the kids were sick and I had to wash all the bedding plus their curtains (humidifier made them funky), plus my holiday throws, pillows, towels, etc. etc.  So basically my laundry room looked like a disaster area with piles and piles (even the piles had piles) of laundry.  I was so worried about being overcome by the laundry, which must have a mind of its own since it was obviously reproducing, that I tied a rope around my waist and another around the couch in the adjacent room before I went in; and at least I could attempt to pull myself free.  So as I spent my weekend feeling repressed and overcome with anxiety about the laundry, I began to make little rhymes in my head and jotted a few down on paper.  You’ll be able to find these, I’m certain, attached to the commitment papers when my husband takes me to the nut house:

Laundry-Smaundry

You are no fun

You are never done

Rinse and spin

I’ll never win

Dark and light

a housewife’s plight

You agitate

Oh! how I hate

the laundry.

Ode to Laundry

Such futility deadens the soul

Cycle that never seems to end

Thankless task takes its toll

Constant onslaught, unable to mend

Segregated and solitary piles stand

Some are dark, some are light

All are soiled and must be made clean

The job is mine, no one lends a hand

With no resolution, it’s not worth a fight

Sounds like a nightmare, or the housewife’s dream

Laundry Haiku

The endless cycles

You define futility

Wash, Dry, Fold again

So as I battle my S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and fight to keep the holiday spirit among all the stress it can bring, I am promising to put myself in an occasional time-out.  It’s amazing how a glass of wine and a couple of silly poems can help lift my spirit…now, I’m off to switch the laundry…again.

 

 

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