Nov 242011
 

I can’t decide whether or not you all have a fabulous sense of humor, or you’re all a bunch of jerks giving shitty gifts for the holidays…

Either way, welcome to the 2nd annual Horrible Gifts for the Holidays!

If you’re new here, I suggest reading the back-story to this fabulously awful event, How One Pair of Men’s Extra-Large Underwear Started a Family Tradition.   It’s funny how those stringy, blue man-panties were the seeds of a fun family tradition.

Anyway, onto the main event.  If you’re looking to give the best-worst gift this year, want a gag gift that will surpass all others, I hope that you’ll consider the following:

1. The Ostrich Pillow.  Have you ever had one of those days at work where you just wanted to stick your head, and possibly hands, into a sack and take a nap? Well, have I got the product for you!  The Ostrich Pillow provides a cozy, dark, cushioney cave for your head and hands that fits right on your desk!  It’s not conspicuous and provides the perfect portable retreat for that much needed mid-day siesta.  Just don’t stay in there too long, I’m not completely certain it’s suitable for breathing.

2.  Canned Unicorn Meat.  Forget Spam!  Get some canned meat with some SparkleFor just 12.99 you can get 14oz of canned unicorn meat!  That’s right this magical canned meat has crunchy horn bits in every bite!  Made up of ground up wishes, dreams, smiles, magic and more, you’ll taste the enchantment in every bite. Perfect to dip or spread on sandwiches. You’ll be shitting sparkles and farting pink bubbles with this glittery meat. Seriously, I have no idea if this is edible, but I’m telling my kids it’s what I did to the Unicorn that shit on my dining room carpet in August.

3. Jersey Shore Christmas Tree Ornaments. Nothing puts me in the holiday spirit quite like The Jersey Shore.  The poofy hair, spray tans, slutty clothes, and FIST PUMPS!  Now, that’s what I’m talking about.  HSN has this fabulous Jersey Shore 3-piece Ornament Set featuring The Situation, Snooki and DJ Pauly D ready to hang on your tree.  Perfect, they say, for fans of the show, the soulless, and perfect for the person who has everything.  All for just 24.95!

 

4. The Daddle.  Traditional rocking horses are so boring!  Thank goodness there’s the Daddle!  That’s right, Dads (or Moms), get down on all fours and have some real fun with your kids.  This saddle is soft, washable and a great way to interact with kids ages 2-6. All for just $55!

5. Clip on LED Lights for Glasses. Do you know someone who likes to work in the dark, has poor vision, and wouldn’t dare wear something as ridiculous as a head lamp?  Well, why not try out the stylish and functional LED clip on Lights for Glasses!  Super bright LED lights will really brighten someone’s holiday!

 

6. Essential Travel Reserve a Spot in Heaven Kit.  Remember all the questions I had about The Rapture?  What to wear? What to bring?  Well, had I known for the low price of just $14.79 that I could reserve a spot in heaven, I wouldn’t have stressed at all.  With your purchase you’ll receive an official Reserve-a-Spot-in-Heaven reservation certificate, an official Reserve-a-Spot-in-Heaven identification card, their informational guide to help you navigate your way (no GPS required here), and the best part about this product…it comes with a 100% money back guarantee if your reservation is not accepted! source.

 

7. Limited Edition Talking Honey Badger Dolls. Okay, I’m going to be honest, I love honey badger.  I wish I could be more like honey badger, but I bet there are lots of people who wouldn’t appreciate such a terrible gift.  Is that Lucy Lawless enjoying wine with hers?  I have no idea where to buy a Limited Edition Talking Honey Badger Doll, but if it’s real somebody better buy me one!

 

 

8.  Bacon Cologne.  Now I love bacon as much as the next guy, probably more actually, but is this taking it too far?  Well, I’ll leave that up to you.  For just $36 you can smell like bacon grease all day.

9.  Chum Buddy.  Know someone who is terrified of sharks?  Well, next to immersion therapy and getting them in a shark cage in the ocean, this is the best thing.  The Chum Buddy sleeping bag/body pillow, available at Sears for the low, low price of $608 at the time of this post, can accommodate up to a five foot victim, I mean, sleeping person.  Perfect also for scaring the hell out of young children.

10.  The Japanese Snuggie.  Giving the Chum Buddy a run for it’s money is the Japanese Snuggie.  Forget the standard Snuggie…don’t even mention the newer Forever Lazy products, this bad boy takes the cake.  The problem with those other products is that your arms get cold.  This wearable sleeping bag will keep you warm and cozy to -20 degrees.  Okay, I’m not sure if that last part is true, but this guy sure looks snug! Source.

So what do you think?  Still need some more terrible gifts ideas?  Go back and read my Terrible Gifts for the Holidays from 2010, or find terrible Gifts for Dad from my Father’s Day post, Awful Gifts for Mom from Mother’s Day, or Terrible Gifts for Babies for even more awful ideas.  What can I say? The internet is full of shitty stuff treasures!

Would you like to give or receive any of these gifts? Leave me a comment and let me know!


Jan 022011
 

I hate being right all the time. Seriously, I do.  I wish that some of my “predictions” would not come true, especially those about how I would be spending my holiday.  The week before Christmas is when my first premonition came to me.  I was standing with my three year old in his preschool class, when another little boy wandered in the room, visible sick and tired.  One of the teachers asked him if he was “awake yet” and his mother replied “he was up all night coughing.”  It took a lot of will power to not a) smack this idiot parent in the face and b) not to take Jake by the hand and just leave.  Instead, I said goodbye to Jake, said a silent prayer for good health, and walked down the hallway towards the exit listening to the echoing sounds of what I would have diagnosised as whooping cough.  Two and a half days later Jake started with a cold, cough & fever. Cecilia followed late the weekend before Christmas, and Joey started coughing a few days before Christmas.

Jake ended up breaking his fever over the weekend, but in an effort not to share what he had, we kept him home to recoup (which meant he missed his Christmas party & festivities).  Cecilia also broke her fever the Monday before Christmas, and Joey who was still “well” attended school the week before Christmas which was just Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.  I volunteered at school to help out all morning Monday & Tuesday during which several kids had to go home because they were still sick or had become sick.  One child, who was puking all day Monday, returned, still sick and feverish Tuesday, was sent home before 10am and was back on Wednesday to spread his holiday cheer again.  It’s cases like this, where the school’s policy is that the child must be fever free for 24 hours, that I think the school should be able to say, “Sorry! Take your sick kid home you horrible parent! We said 24 hours fever free! You think all these kids want to be puking on Christmas?!”  Premonition #2 befell me Wednesday at Joey’s Christmas party as I observed him sitting in between two of the sick pukey kids from Monday & Tuesday trading & sharing snacks. Yum!

Christmas Eve we had no fevers (it had now been over a week after they started and only had mild-lingering cold symptoms), but as I packed my holiday diaper bag, I told my husband to take our spare trashcan and stick it in the back of the truck just in case someone needed it.  As he was packing the food, presents, and kids, he mumbled something about me being a “weirdo” but still took the trashcan and placed it in the back of the truck anyway.  My thought process here was that just two days before Joey was sharing snacks with his two barf-buddies, and we hadn’t quite cleared the “incubation” period.

As we pulled back in the driveway after a long but enjoyable Christmas Eve party, I was happy that my husband was right about me being such a “weirdo” and that the trashcan was still sitting in the trunk unused.  Christmas morning was not quite as happy as I would have hoped, but after a late and exhausting evening, I assumed my cranky kids were just feeling the effects of the holiday.

Before we got back in the car that afternoon for another 40 mile trip (each way), Jake complained of a headache, so we gave him some Motrin and headed north.  We had another fabulous party, and the gift exchanges were a hit again. Great food, good people, and did I mention the food?  The kid’s palates are a little less refined and they enjoyed bowls of candies and seemingly unending cups of juice in combination with the excitement of so many gifts.  Jake had been using his best “Oliver Twist/Puppy Dog Eyes” to get handfuls of M&M’s from various Aunts, Uncles & cousins, and after a sugar high, all the kids, including Jake, seemed to be finally winding down as we hit 157 miles of our 160 mile round trip Christmas 2010 bonanza.  Expecting snow the next day, and with the car quiet, my husband pulled into a gas station about three miles from home just as Jake began to puke juice, M&M’s and Motrin all over himself.

Without a thought, he threw the car in park and ran and grabbed the trashcan from the back of the car that his weirdo-wife insisted on taking the night before just in time for me to jump in the back over the seat and catch “most” of what his body was rejecting into the can.  It was moments like this, standing in someone else’s sick, facing backwards in the car, nearly home after the longest two days of my life, that I hated being right.  My husband, the next day however, refused to admit I was right because he says I wanted the trashcan for the wrong kid and he was puking from 8lbs of candy and not from a virus.  Give me a break!  Sorry that my crystal ball ain’t so crystal clear.  My mother’s intuition got most of it right…at least the important parts.

All the running around, excitement and junk took it’s toll on Jake though.  After 9 days of a cold (which we’re told by doctor’s can last 7-14 days in kids), poor Jake developed a fever again and they advised me he had to be seen (in the snow storm) at a Urgent Care Center.  After he and I spent four hours and what will undoubtedly be hundreds of dollars with the tests/X-Rays, Jake was diagnosed with walking pneumonia.  The following day, just after the snow storm ended (and with 8″ of snow on the roads) Cecilia redeveloped a fever after 9 days of cold and earned herself her very first ear infection.  My husband soon followed with an antibiotic, and Joey and I were the only two to come out un-medicated.  So we spent the week battling secondary infections, running humidifiers, and finally were well for New Year’s Eve.  I am now enjoying our third consecutive day of good health, before school starts back tomorrow.  Anybody seen my bubble?

Hope you all had a Happy Holiday & Hope you all have a fabulous & happy New Year!

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Dec 162010
 

There’s plenty to stress about this time of year, and for me taking my kids pictures in Christmas outfits for my annual holiday cards is not one of them.  Every year I just take their pictures and put the best or the worst on my annual cards.  It saves me the public embarrassment of miserable crying kids in the portrait studios, the absurd amount of money for bad pictures, the hours it takes to get ready/wait in line/and choose the expensive bad pictures, plus every time we go get our pictures taken the kids are sick three days later (croup, strep or something extra funky).

My kids are usually such a happy bunch, but there is one thing that seems to really piss them off. Holiday portraits.  So this year, I hope you get nice pictures of your kids, and if you don’t, I hope you don’t stress.  You can at least have something to make you kids feel bad when their older.  May you all be filled with the joys of the season, cause we always are; here are some of the pictures that have graced our holiday cards in year’s past:

Joey and Jake Christmas 2007. Joey loves holding his baby brother.

You'll see this pose throughout the years. There must be something in the clothing that causes a lack of muscle control. Even Joey's Curious George dressed in Jake's sweater couldn't help him sit up.

Maybe if they sat separate and without the sweaters? Or not.

Maybe I can make my brother cry too. Merry Christmas 2007!

Christmas 2008. Let's try in front of the fireplace. Jake screamed without the binky & kicked off his shoes.

My favorite one of all.

At least Joey is happy this year...although he still hasn't fully regained muscle control.

Better luck next year....Christmas 2008

Okay, people! I'm done!

Well, at least no one is crying. Christmas 2009

*Sigh*

Nice try.

Jake getting his eyes poked again. No wonder he's squinting.

At least he's smiling....

This was the best of 2009

Here we go again 2010

Perfect Joey, hold that pose. At least it's what he normally looks like...

Jake is auditioning for the JcPenny catalog 2010

Here's the 17 month old lack of motor control. It's struck every kid at the same age. perhaps I should call the doctor

Looks familiar.

The best of this year....better luck in 2011, Mom.

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