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10 Horrible Gifts for the Holidays 2011 Edition

Posted by Domestic Diva at 11:04 am Uncategorized

Nov 242011

I can’t decide whether or not you all have a fabulous sense of humor, or you’re all a bunch of jerks giving shitty gifts for the holidays…

Either way, welcome to the 2nd annual Horrible Gifts for the Holidays!

If you’re new here, I suggest reading the back-story to this fabulously awful event, How One Pair of Men’s Extra-Large Underwear Started a Family Tradition. It’s funny how those stringy, blue man-panties were the seeds of a fun family tradition.

Anyway, onto the main event. If you’re looking to give the best-worst gift this year, want a gag gift that will surpass all others, I hope that you’ll consider the following:

1. The Ostrich Pillow. Have you ever had one of those days at work where you just wanted to stick your head, and possibly hands, into a sack and take a nap? Well, have I got the product for you! The Ostrich Pillow provides a cozy, dark, cushioney cave for your head and hands that fits right on your desk! It’s not conspicuous and provides the perfect portable retreat for that much needed mid-day siesta. Just don’t stay in there too long, I’m not completely certain it’s suitable for breathing.

2. Canned Unicorn Meat. Forget Spam! Get some canned meat with some Sparkle! For just 12.99 you can get 14oz of canned unicorn meat! That’s right this magical canned meat has crunchy horn bits in every bite! Made up of ground up wishes, dreams, smiles, magic and more, you’ll taste the enchantment in every bite. Perfect to dip or spread on sandwiches. You’ll be shitting sparkles and farting pink bubbles with this glittery meat. Seriously, I have no idea if this is edible, but I’m telling my kids it’s what I did to the Unicorn that shit on my dining room carpet in August.

3. Jersey Shore Christmas Tree Ornaments. Nothing puts me in the holiday spirit quite like The Jersey Shore. The poofy hair, spray tans, slutty clothes, and FIST PUMPS! Now, that’s what I’m talking about. HSN has this fabulous Jersey Shore 3-piece Ornament Set featuring The Situation, Snooki and DJ Pauly D ready to hang on your tree. Perfect, they say, for fans of the show, the soulless, and perfect for the person who has everything. All for just 24.95!

4. The Daddle. Traditional rocking horses are so boring! Thank goodness there’s the Daddle! That’s right, Dads (or Moms), get down on all fours and have some real fun with your kids. This saddle is soft, washable and a great way to interact with kids ages 2-6. All for just $55!

5. Clip on LED Lights for Glasses. Do you know someone who likes to work in the dark, has poor vision, and wouldn’t dare wear something as ridiculous as a head lamp? Well, why not try out the stylish and functional LED clip on Lights for Glasses! Super bright LED lights will really brighten someone’s holiday!

6. Essential Travel Reserve a Spot in Heaven Kit. Remember all the questions I had about The Rapture? What to wear? What to bring? Well, had I known for the low price of just $14.79 that I could reserve a spot in heaven, I wouldn’t have stressed at all. With your purchase you’ll receive an official Reserve-a-Spot-in-Heaven reservation certificate, an official Reserve-a-Spot-in-Heaven identification card, their informational guide to help you navigate your way (no GPS required here), and the best part about this product…it comes with a 100% money back guarantee if your reservation is not accepted! source.

7. Limited Edition Talking Honey Badger Dolls. Okay, I’m going to be honest, I love honey badger. I wish I could be more like honey badger, but I bet there are lots of people who wouldn’t appreciate such a terrible gift. Is that Lucy Lawless enjoying wine with hers? I have no idea where to buy a Limited Edition Talking Honey Badger Doll, but if it’s real somebody better buy me one!

8. Bacon Cologne. Now I love bacon as much as the next guy, probably more actually, but is this taking it too far? Well, I’ll leave that up to you. For just $36 you can smell like bacon grease all day.

9. Chum Buddy. Know someone who is terrified of sharks? Well, next to immersion therapy and getting them in a shark cage in the ocean, this is the best thing. The Chum Buddy sleeping bag/body pillow, available at Sears for the low, low price of $608 at the time of this post, can accommodate up to a five foot victim, I mean, sleeping person. Perfect also for scaring the hell out of young children.

10. The Japanese Snuggie. Giving the Chum Buddy a run for it’s money is the Japanese Snuggie. Forget the standard Snuggie…don’t even mention the newer Forever Lazy products, this bad boy takes the cake. The problem with those other products is that your arms get cold. This wearable sleeping bag will keep you warm and cozy to -20 degrees. Okay, I’m not sure if that last part is true, but this guy sure looks snug! Source.

So what do you think? Still need some more terrible gifts ideas? Go back and read my Terrible Gifts for the Holidays from 2010, or find terrible Gifts for Dad from my Father’s Day post, Awful Gifts for Mom from Mother’s Day, or Terrible Gifts for Babies for even more awful ideas.

Would you like to give or receive any of these gifts? Leave me a comment and let me know! If you need some real gift ideas for the Holidays, check out my nice gift guide too for some great ideas! Plus, check me out on Facebook where we’re giving away a new Huffy Kids Bike starting 11/25 through 12/13 plus a ton of other great prizes!

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Coolest Boobs on the Block

Posted by Domestic Diva at 4:41 pm Uncategorized

May 312011

Well, I’m enjoying yet another Mid-Atlantic Sprummer where we seemed to have skipped over the moderate and median temperatures associated with Spring, and have gone from our frigid winter weather right into sweltering heat and oppressive humidity. In fact, as I sit here in my living room with the blinds closed, a tall glass of tropical punch Kool Aid (yeah, I said it), and as close as humanly possible to the nearest vent constantly blowing cool air, the heat outdoors is well into the 90′s with the heat index simmering around 102 degrees.

Over the holiday weekend the temperatures at the beach were not quite as unbearable, however, no one would argue that it was anything other than hot with heat indexes into the 90′s. The occasional gust of wind felt like someone’s hot breath hitting your body, so there was little alternative to cooling off other than taking a dip in the pool, bay or ocean. Having a cool beverage was also a must, and I was alternating sips of my bottled water and pressing the chilled bottle against my face, neck and chest.

Despite my best efforts the heat and humidity left me with a beach afro, flushed skin and the inability to stop sweating. If I had a bikini I would have worn it just in the hopes that less clothing would equate to a cooler body temperature. As we sat roasting on the beach, I was trying to come up with some new ways to stay cool…like an air conditioned bathing suit. Thanks to Google I found the next best thing. It’s the Cooling Water Bikini:

Photo thanks to Oh Gizmo!

Apparently with the Cooling Water Bikini you can enhance your bust and quench your thirst when you fill it with cool water (or wine?). I’m not exactly sure of the mechanics, but I think you’d just need to be conscious of how much fluid you’re drinking from each cup. The last thing you want is to end up lopsided boobs at the neighborhood pool…awkward!

What are your tips on beating the heat this summer? Leave me a comment before I order one of these!

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Life’s a beach

Posted by Domestic Diva at 1:47 pm Uncategorized

May 292011

Welcome to the unofficial start of summer. I, and thousands of my fellow beach lovers, took to the roads Friday and headed down to the shore. Although the drive for me is only around 70 minutes, I bore witness to multiple driving offenses on our way south. I was actually ready to kiss the ground by the time we pulled into the driveway.

Yesterday the brief five minute commute to the beach was again stressful and the language coming from my husband was rather colorful. Then, on the way home, less than a mile from the house we were almost hit by FIVE rolling tractor tires that seemed to come from nowhere. After a few seconds we realized some idiot had these huge tires unsecured in the back of a pickup truck and they all rolled out at once while he was driving. Thankfully, my husband was able to stop as they rolled across the road and into someone’s yard. If we had come around the corner just a few seconds later we surely would have been in a serious accident. I was so pissed I called the police.

So as we kick off the unofficial start of summer with my Delaware roads swarming with out of state drivers, and I narrowly avoided quite a few accidents this weekend already, I’d like to repost some old tips and some new ones in a letter I wrote to our visiting drivers who evidently have a different set of driving laws where ever it is that they hail from:

Dear Non-Delaware Driver:

Welcome to our Small Wonder! We aren’t quite the smallest (thanks Rhode Island!), but don’t let our size fool you; we’ve got plenty of attractions that we know you’ll enjoy! Come do some fabulous tax-free shopping at some of our malls and shopping outlets, visit Dover Downs for some Nascar Races, take your chances at our slots and casinos, watch a minor league baseball game, go to the zoo, and perhaps most popular of all, take a trip to southern Delaware and relax and unwind on our beautiful beaches!

Due to our small size, you can even enjoy some of our northern and southern attractions in the same day! Route 1, which is primarily a freeway, runs through all three counties and takes you from north to south in as little as an hour and a half. We are happy to have you visit our state, but do ask that you follow Delaware State Driving Laws while you are here.

For example, here in Delaware, the left lane is for passing, and as the posted signs clearly state in English all along the roadway, slower traffic should remain in the right lanes. It is not okay to drive 15 mph under the speed limit or drive the same speed as the car next to you. Pass the other car or get over; you are causing a significant traffic jam (I’m talking to you Maryland!). Additionally, when you are not utilizing the left lane for passing please stay in the right lane to allow faster vehicles to pass you. This is nothing personal, they may just want to reach their destination before Labor Day. You may also find this would be an appropriate time to use your automobile’s cruise control feature. It is not appropriate to pass someone going 80mph, then to have them pass you minutes later while you are going 60 mph (in the left lane), and then repeat this process several times. If you then see the person at a gas station, do not say, “You again!” and laugh or you might have to listen to a driving lesson and cruise control tutorial at a gas pump. No, I’m not laughing, and yes, I am talking to you, New Jersey!

Here in Delaware we also advise that if you feel the need to pull off the road for any reason, that you pull as far off as possible, and then when re-entering the road, utilize your turn signals and wait for traffic to clear. New York, it is not appropriate for you to pull into traffic moving 65 mph+ without a turn signal and without warning. You may not have realized this, but we all have the right away. You have the right to kiss my …

We also kindly ask that you refrain from reversing down the highway. Should you miss your exit, Pennsylvania, please use the next exit to turn around head the appropriate direction with the flow of traffic. You may find that reading our clearly marked and strategically placed road signs will help you navigate safely and efficiently to your destination.

Lastly, just this weekend we’ve observed the following and ask that you please immediately not do the following while driving here in Delaware:

For the love of God, please do not make a U-Turn over concrete medians in the middle of the highway a quarter mile from the nearest light. Traffic on the other side of the road does maintain the right of way in this situation and the people driving 40 mph behind you will not be anticipating this type of jackassery and may run into you as well.
Please do not seat passengers on lawn chairs in the back of your pickup truck and drive around. We welcome you, West Virginia, but would prefer not to scrape you off our pavements.
There is no need to drive in a Serpentine Pattern in holiday beach traffic without turn signals. No one is shooting at you and no one is getting anywhere fast.
If you observe a large red octagon with the words “Stop” it means just that. It is not opposite day, ever.

So there you have it, just a few differences we’d like to point out so that we can all enjoy a safe and happy holiday. We hope you shop at our stores, enjoy our beaches, and remember we’re now a “hands-free” state (so put the cell phones down)! While you are here, just make sure you buckle up too (it’s the law) and we also request you remove your head from your ass before operating a motor vehicle.

Thank you in advance for your ongoing cooperation.

Gratefully yours,

Delaware Drivers

*All opinions here are my own and do not actually represent all Delaware Drivers (although I bet most would agree). The bad driving examples were real and have been witnessed by me of actual people driving with said state license plates, however, they are generalizations and I do not think that all drivers from those states are “bad” or totally inept…except maybe New Jersey. Just kidding….kind of.

I hope you’re all having a safe, happy and healthy holiday weekend and please don’t forget to honor and remember those who serve our country, especially those who have made the ultimate sacrifice, this Memorial Day!

So what are some of your driving pet peeves? See any horrible holiday driving this weekend? If you enjoyed the post and you’re happy I lived to tell the tale (no thanks to the Maryland driver hauling the tractor tires) then please give me a quick vote on Top Mommy Blogs by clicking the link below, and leave me a comment too! I’d love to hear from you:

Pot-O-Nothing

Posted by Domestic Diva at 12:52 pm Uncategorized

Mar 172011

You know you’re old and lame when you big plans on St. Patrick’s Day include having a truck load of new mulch delivered. I know my 22 year old self would be disappointed, but this is about as good as it gets when you’re 32 and you have three little kids. So now that it’s nap time, I’ve got to get scooping the mulch. Hope you all have a great (and hopefully more exciting) St. Patty’s Day & here’s a limerick to commemorate the occasion:

There once was a busy mother of three

Who tried to be the best housewife she could be

So as the laundry kept pilin’

She kept right on smilin’

and said, “It’s not like they can fire me!”

Happy St. Patty’s Day!

It's me big lame pot-o-gold...I mean truck load-o-mulch

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Diagnosis Unknown

Posted by Domestic Diva at 9:55 am Uncategorized

Jan 052011

So my original intention was to do a post on New Year’s Resolutions…three days ago. Life, as usual, has sidetracked me. If you read my last post, you know we spent much of our holiday vacation with sick kids. On Monday, one week after my daughter was seen and treated for an ear infection, she broke out in a rash. It now is from the top of her head all the way down to her knees.

The exact diagnosis is unknown, but the doctor suspects either a drug reaction to the antibiotic (which she had never had before) or a virus. So since Monday morning, I’ve basically been in panic mode watching one more red spot after another pop up on my daughter’s skin and grow into red blotchy clusters. I’ve been taking her temperature (which has remained normal- which is more than I can say for me), pressing on the spots to make sure they “blanch,” and paying close attention to certain areas like the palms of her hands and soles of her feet. I am thankful for two things at this point. 1) The doctor said the original ear infection cleared and 2) The rash doesn’t seem to be bothering her at all. In fact, the worst part about it for Cecilia is dealing with my constant poking and prodding.

This morning, Cecilia’s face seems a little better and the red clusters have faded a bit, so we’re still doing a “wait and see” approach with whatever this is. Now that I think she’s not at risk of some kind of anaphylactic shock, I’ve settled down a bit too. So maybe I can start working on the New Year’s Resolution I never end up keeping…

Here’s a picture of what my sweet little baby normally looks like:

Cecilia Thanksgiving 2010

Here’s what my sweet baby is dealing with now (this was yesterday morning- hope her outfit doesn’t clash with her skin):

And here’s last night, probably at its worst (keep in mind these are from her scalp all the way to her knees):

I hope we’ve seen the worst of it, and like I said, I’m so extremely thankful that it doesn’t seem to be bothering her at all. Joey think she looks like a leopard and Jake keeps calling her a “leper” (which for the time being I don’t find funny) and telling me to make sure she’s not growing a tail. I’ll be keeping an ever watchful (and annoying) eye on her until the last spot goes away.

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Sometimes my crystal ball ain’t so crystal clear

Posted by Domestic Diva at 1:49 pm Uncategorized

Jan 022011

I hate being right all the time. Seriously, I do. I wish that some of my “predictions” would not come true, especially those about how I would be spending my holiday. The week before Christmas is when my first premonition came to me. I was standing with my three year old in his preschool class, when another little boy wandered in the room, visible sick and tired. One of the teachers asked him if he was “awake yet” and his mother replied “he was up all night coughing.” It took a lot of will power to not a) smack this idiot parent in the face and b) not to take Jake by the hand and just leave. Instead, I said goodbye to Jake, said a silent prayer for good health, and walked down the hallway towards the exit listening to the echoing sounds of what I would have diagnosised as whooping cough. Two and a half days later Jake started with a cold, cough & fever. Cecilia followed late the weekend before Christmas, and Joey started coughing a few days before Christmas.

Jake ended up breaking his fever over the weekend, but in an effort not to share what he had, we kept him home to recoup (which meant he missed his Christmas party & festivities). Cecilia also broke her fever the Monday before Christmas, and Joey who was still “well” attended school the week before Christmas which was just Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I volunteered at school to help out all morning Monday & Tuesday during which several kids had to go home because they were still sick or had become sick. One child, who was puking all day Monday, returned, still sick and feverish Tuesday, was sent home before 10am and was back on Wednesday to spread his holiday cheer again. It’s cases like this, where the school’s policy is that the child must be fever free for 24 hours, that I think the school should be able to say, “Sorry! Take your sick kid home you horrible parent! We said 24 hours fever free! You think all these kids want to be puking on Christmas?!” Premonition #2 befell me Wednesday at Joey’s Christmas party as I observed him sitting in between two of the sick pukey kids from Monday & Tuesday trading & sharing snacks. Yum!

Christmas Eve we had no fevers (it had now been over a week after they started and only had mild-lingering cold symptoms), but as I packed my holiday diaper bag, I told my husband to take our spare trashcan and stick it in the back of the truck just in case someone needed it. As he was packing the food, presents, and kids, he mumbled something about me being a “weirdo” but still took the trashcan and placed it in the back of the truck anyway. My thought process here was that just two days before Joey was sharing snacks with his two barf-buddies, and we hadn’t quite cleared the “incubation” period.

As we pulled back in the driveway after a long but enjoyable Christmas Eve party, I was happy that my husband was right about me being such a “weirdo” and that the trashcan was still sitting in the trunk unused. Christmas morning was not quite as happy as I would have hoped, but after a late and exhausting evening, I assumed my cranky kids were just feeling the effects of the holiday.

Before we got back in the car that afternoon for another 40 mile trip (each way), Jake complained of a headache, so we gave him some Motrin and headed north. We had another fabulous party, and the gift exchanges were a hit again. Great food, good people, and did I mention the food? The kid’s palates are a little less refined and they enjoyed bowls of candies and seemingly unending cups of juice in combination with the excitement of so many gifts. Jake had been using his best “Oliver Twist/Puppy Dog Eyes” to get handfuls of M&M’s from various Aunts, Uncles & cousins, and after a sugar high, all the kids, including Jake, seemed to be finally winding down as we hit 157 miles of our 160 mile round trip Christmas 2010 bonanza. Expecting snow the next day, and with the car quiet, my husband pulled into a gas station about three miles from home just as Jake began to puke juice, M&M’s and Motrin all over himself.

Without a thought, he threw the car in park and ran and grabbed the trashcan from the back of the car that his weirdo-wife insisted on taking the night before just in time for me to jump in the back over the seat and catch “most” of what his body was rejecting into the can. It was moments like this, standing in someone else’s sick, facing backwards in the car, nearly home after the longest two days of my life, that I hated being right. My husband, the next day however, refused to admit I was right because he says I wanted the trashcan for the wrong kid and he was puking from 8lbs of candy and not from a virus. Give me a break! Sorry that my crystal ball ain’t so crystal clear. My mother’s intuition got most of it right…at least the important parts.

All the running around, excitement and junk took it’s toll on Jake though. After 9 days of a cold (which we’re told by doctor’s can last 7-14 days in kids), poor Jake developed a fever again and they advised me he had to be seen (in the snow storm) at a Urgent Care Center. After he and I spent four hours and what will undoubtedly be hundreds of dollars with the tests/X-Rays, Jake was diagnosed with walking pneumonia. The following day, just after the snow storm ended (and with 8″ of snow on the roads) Cecilia redeveloped a fever after 9 days of cold and earned herself her very first ear infection. My husband soon followed with an antibiotic, and Joey and I were the only two to come out un-medicated. So we spent the week battling secondary infections, running humidifiers, and finally were well for New Year’s Eve. I am now enjoying our third consecutive day of good health, before school starts back tomorrow. Anybody seen my bubble?

Hope you all had a Happy Holiday & Hope you all have a fabulous & happy New Year!

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The Joys of the Season

Posted by Domestic Diva at 12:45 pm Uncategorized

Dec 162010

There’s plenty to stress about this time of year, and for me taking my kids pictures in Christmas outfits for my annual holiday cards is not one of them. Every year I just take their pictures and put the best or the worst on my annual cards. It saves me the public embarrassment of miserable crying kids in the portrait studios, the absurd amount of money for bad pictures, the hours it takes to get ready/wait in line/and choose the expensive bad pictures, plus every time we go get our pictures taken the kids are sick three days later (croup, strep or something extra funky).

My kids are usually such a happy bunch, but there is one thing that seems to really piss them off. Holiday portraits. So this year, I hope you get nice pictures of your kids, and if you don’t, I hope you don’t stress. You can at least have something to make you kids feel bad when their older. May you all be filled with the joys of the season, cause we always are; here are some of the pictures that have graced our holiday cards in year’s past:

Joey and Jake Christmas 2007. Joey loves holding his baby brother.

You'll see this pose throughout the years. There must be something in the clothing that causes a lack of muscle control. Even Joey's Curious George dressed in Jake's sweater couldn't help him sit up.

Maybe if they sat separate and without the sweaters? Or not.

Maybe I can make my brother cry too. Merry Christmas 2007!

Christmas 2008. Let's try in front of the fireplace. Jake screamed without the binky & kicked off his shoes.

My favorite one of all.

At least Joey is happy this year...although he still hasn't fully regained muscle control.

Better luck next year....Christmas 2008

Okay, people! I'm done!

Well, at least no one is crying. Christmas 2009

*Sigh*

Nice try.

Jake getting his eyes poked again. No wonder he's squinting.

At least he's smiling....

This was the best of 2009

Here we go again 2010

Perfect Joey, hold that pose. At least it's what he normally looks like...

Jake is auditioning for the JcPenny catalog 2010

Here's the 17 month old lack of motor control. It's struck every kid at the same age. perhaps I should call the doctor

Looks familiar.

The best of this year....better luck in 2011, Mom.

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Rinse and Repeat

Posted by Domestic Diva at 4:19 pm Uncategorized

Dec 142010

I’m not a cuddler, I don’t like snuggling, and I need my own space in order to sleep. Some people prefer to be coddled and held not just at bed time, but also when they’re sick or not feeling well. Perhaps there was a time in my life when I was like this too, but in my mind, it’s been since I was a young child. When I’m injured, sick, or generally not feeling well, it’s best to leave me be. Even when I was in labor, I didn’t want to be held or comforted, I just wanted to do what I had to do to get it over with and make the pain go away. To be honest, I am surprised my husband didn’t find me off in a dark place like under our deck out back when the time came for me to deliver. I sort of have a sense why animals do it. If under our deck was air conditioned and had drugs for a pain-free delivery, I probably would have snuck off alone to give birth.

With that being said, I’m not a total frigid bitch and there are times when human touch makes me feel better. During times of sadness or stress (or even anger) having my hand held, back rubbed or hair stroked will help me calm down and bring me some solace…when I know the person comforting me anyway.

I didn’t even attempt to find or fight for a reasonable parking space at the mall today. I pulled my giant Suburban to the back of the lot, and stopped myself from cursing as I crossed the 6.2 miles through the cold and windy parking lot to the mall’s entrance. I told myself to remain calm as I made my way through the busy stores while being hit with shopping bags, stuck behind super slow mall walkers, and even when a mother hit the back of my ankle with a stroller while she chatted on her cell phone and paid no attention to where she was going.

As I stood in the longest department store line in history and waited as three people ahead of me filled out credit card applications, I silently sang Christmas songs in my head in an attempt to ignore my surroundings. This became particularly difficult because the old man behind me was standing a little too close for comfort, and was apparently stricken with tuberculosis or pertussis based on his thick, hacking, persistant cough.

Finally, after what felt like forever, I was on my way back to my car. As I made my way down the long mall corridor, I spied several people with coffee, and remembering the long journey and single digit wind chills that awaited me just outside, I decided to wait in just one more line.

Standing in the food court, I began to second guess my decision. Nearing lunch time, these holiday shoppers were hungry, rude, and growing in numbers. Again, I found myself in a line a dozen people deep and the “help” at the counter seemed moments away from quitting (not that I would have blamed them). People continued to cut through the line, and after the fourth person squeezed between me and the lady in front of me without an “Excuse or Pardon me” I felt my holiday cheer draining from my body. If not for the dull roar of the wind whipping outside, I would have left the line. I just hate the cold. “Just hold on, Susan. Just another few minutes of madness…” I told myself silently. I stood there with my teeth clenched, took a deep breath in, and closed my eyes.

Standing there I tried to calm myself and remember if ever there was a time to remain merry, this was it. Just as I was about to let it all go and find my happy place for a moment, I thought I felt the back of my hair move. Eyes now opened, I remained perfectly still. After thirty seconds, and not feeling any further movement, I relaxed a bit again and took a step forward as the line moved up.

There it was again. My hair definitely moved that time. This time I took my hand and brushed the back of my hair, too afraid of what I might find and subsequently say or do if I turned around. Before I could even process what was happening, because trust me when I tell you my mind was trying to come up with a plan of attack, I felt a whole hand (as in palm and five fingers) enter the back of my hair and what i can only describe as “swoosh” around then gently pull my hair as it exited again.

I spun around faster than the woman could put her hand back down by her side and loudly demanded to know what the hell she thought she was doing. The older woman, and by older I mean old enough to know better, stood there arm extended and mouth open but silent. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I demanded. “Is there a reason you are touching my head?” I loudly questioned. She stuttered a moment and said “I saw a piece of red fuzz stuck in your hair and I was only trying to get it out. Then I thought I messed up your hair so I just tried to fluff it up. I was only trying to help.”

Now there are very few times I have ever been speechless, and standing face to face with this stranger who was looking at me as if I were the crazy person, was one of them. Realizing we now had an audience and that the entire line plus two employees were now staring at me, I lowered my voice and said, “You must be off your meds or from another place where it’s acceptable to fondle a stranger’s head. If it wasn’t Christmas I would….” and I trailed off. I just stood there for a moment and looked at this stranger’s dumbfounded clueless face and stomped off coffeeless and feeling somewhat violated.

I hoped, as I made my way to the car, that anything gross from the woman’s foreign hands might be blown out by the time I reached my car. I mean, who the hell knows where’s else her hands have been if she’s willing to stick her hand into my afro (which I totally had thanks to the wind)…As I stood in the shower for the second time today, I just assumed that this is what I get for going to the mall during the holidays (remember what happened last time!), and then I rinsed and repeated.

One of my favorite Gary Larson cartoons

Can you relate? Ever been touched by a stranger? Are you a stranger who touches others? Leave me a comment! I’d love to hear from you!

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Wordless Wednesday

Posted by Domestic Diva at 10:22 am Uncategorized

Dec 082010

I’ve seen this around the blogosphere, Wordless Wednesday, where you just post a photo. Here’s one that really exemplifies how much my children, my son Jake in particular, love being dressed up and photographed for Christmas Cards:

Jake, Christmas 2008, looking all Oliver Twist-ish

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Terrible Gifts for the Holidays

Posted by Domestic Diva at 7:18 pm Uncategorized

Dec 012010

After an overwhelming response to the post, “How One Pair of Men’s Extra Large Thong Underwear Sparked a Holiday Tradition” I decided that since I had already selected my horrible gifts for this year’s exchanges that I will help you all out as well. I complied a list of terrible gifts which i came across this year in search of my own bad gift ideas. Keep in mind, these can be made even more awkward when given to a family member like Grandma or a coworker. Many of you, as in a surprising number, asked where I found Ramon. Unfortunately, I purchased him nearly seven years ago, and I am not willing to face the visual atrocities that befell me the last time I Googled “male blow up doll.” You’re all on your own if you want to explore that avenue.

So without further adieu, in no particular order, here are some terrible gifts for you to give loved ones this holiday:

The Companion Pillow

This pillow, which is fashioned in the shape of a man’s arm, brings new meaning to the word, ‘lonely.’ For the low, low price of $39.95 you can bring the feeling of comfort and a warm embrace to your solitary friends or family. Be sure to attach the phone number of a good therapist or perhaps a gift certificate to E-Harmony as well. It’s really the least you could do in the event that they might actually need or want this gift. Purchase here: http://www.hammacher.com/Product/79559?promo=search&cm_mmc=CJ-_-2513492-_-3197992-_-Special+Values+Homepage . You can also find another review of this product, some other crazy items like a 7K Chair that’s designed to make you feel like you’re on the ocean, and some great stuff too at One More Gadget: http://www.onemoregadget.com/need-a-friend-try-the-perfect-companion-pillow/

Betty Beauty Pubic Hair Dye

Imagine Grandma’s Delight or the sheer joy on a coworkers face when they unwrap their very own box of Betty Beauty’s Pubic Hair Dye. Whether you have a “blond” friend who needs a little help matching her curtain to her drapes (if you know what I’m saying), or if you think having hot pink pubes is, well, hot, then Betty Beauty Pubic Hair Dye is the gift for you. In case you want to stock up, or try a few colors, buy one box for $14.99 or pay $12.99 per box when you buy two or more here: http://bettybeauty.com/fun.php

Tattoo Sleeves

Does your man’s corporate day job leave you fantasizing about a tougher tatted man? Problem solved with the tattoo sleeves! Your man can sport his suit by day and these sexy tattoo sleeves by night,or maybe your Grandpa has always wanted to go a little wild. Really, who wouldn’t love this gift- and all for less than $20 (while the sale lasts!) Buy yours here: http://www.vampfangs.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=JPNSTT&click=3826

A Yodeling Pickle

Just when you thought yodeling couldn’t get any better, now there’s the new Yodeling Pickle. Press a button and yodel along, all for $15.25! This one is a real holiday steal! You can purchase yours here: http://www.amazon.com/Electronic-Yodelling-Green-Pickle-Gift/dp/B001948B1G

The Diva Cup

That yodeling pickle got me thinking about going “green,” so this next item shows your recipient that you love the environment just as much as you love them. And really, what doesn’t say love like a reusable cup you use during your period? I’d write more but I don’t want to spoil the details. Get your Diva Cups here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001GQ7AAU/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=B000FAG6X0&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=19V9BT2YZG4MFRAQTE71

Knitting with Dog Hair (book)

This might be stating the obvious, but as the author of this book so frankly said, “Better a sweater from a dog you know and love than from a sheep you’ll never meet.” Enough said. Order your copy from amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Knitting-Dog-Hair-Better-Sweater/dp/0312152906

Kush Pillow for Boobs

I recently added pillows to my Holiday Shopping Guide which is filled with gifts people would actually love to get. This pillow is made for a very targeted audience: the large breasted side sleeper (women and men with moobs too). I myself am a bit chesty and would love to shove this swimming pool noodle between the girls before I went to bed. I mean, this will redefine sleeping for the big breasted side sleepers of the world! It be great at an office, family or friend gift exchange too. Order yours for just 24.95 : http://www.goldviolin.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=92711&Click=70922

White Stretch Bikini Jeans

These white bikini jeans would be a hit at the office party…talk about casual Fridays! Hot! Just do not pair with the Hot Pink Pubic Hair Dye. I’m sure it would show through and that would just be tacky. Order yours right from the designer: http://www.sannas.jp/main/en/pants-jeans/bikini-pants.html

Sauna Pants

Now believe it or not, these Sauna Inflatable weight loss pants are no longer mass produced. However, I did see several Ebay and Etsy listings with the pants. Gift the gift of good health to those you love this year.

Poo Trap

Perfect for people with dogs, and I bet if the recipient of this thoughtful gift didn’t have a dog already, they would run out and get one. Maybe the shameful act of picking up Dog poop was just too embarrassing for them before. Now, they can hold their head high as they walk their dog around town with a plastic bag adhered to its asshole. Who’s the master now? Order yours: http://pootrap.com/us/buynow//catalog/index.php?cPath=21&osCsid=2bc796bd6aa8e2255ba4dc2c6f8dd7c7

Happy Shopping!

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