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What’s bugging you?

Posted by Domestic Diva at 6:14 pm Uncategorized

May 142011

Friday the 13th started as most others did. The chipper chimes of my phone’s alarm annoyed me from my slumber. I begrudgingly turned on the shower and began the start of another day. This morning, in addition to being unlucky because of the date, would prove to be another busy day between schools, shopping, yard work (we expanded my garden an extra 5×20 ft), and doing some stuff for the website. At least today there were no volunteer hours or field trips which seem to take a valuable chunk of my day right out from under me.

As I lathered my hair, I thought about yesterday’s field trip to one of Delaware’s State Parks, which truth be told was more like a swamp, with Joey’s Kindergarten class. Although it was a rather short trip, just under three hours in all, the kids managed to squeeze in a lesson on the importance of trees, a quick craft, a walk through the nature center, a walk around a pond (swamp), followed a trail into the woods and finally grabbed a picnic style lunch.

When I dressed Joey that morning I put him in long pants even though the temperatures were forecast to climb in the afternoon. I choose similar attire, and as we walked through the woods and I spied patch after patch of poison ivy, I knew I made a smart decision as far as the apparel was concerned. Although, I did forget hats. Aside from the fact that ticks (and Lyme’s Disease) are prevalent here, I would have preferred an extra barrier between my head and any other creatures. I also skipped perfume and lotion, yet still managed to come come with no less that a dozen mosquito bites. I’m hoping not to be the state’s first confirmed case of West Nile Virus because I saw some of these massive blood suckers as they began feasting on my flesh. These winged beasts looked like something out of the Jurassic Period.

Anyway, I was ready to jump out of the shower when I remembered another day warm temperatures laid ahead so I broke out my shaving cream and razor and began shaving my stubbly legs. This daily shave (above the knee even) was really the only bad thing about warmer weather that I could come up with as I went up the back of my right leg and did a half turn to reach the upper part of my thigh. Just because it’s not an easy reach I looked back to be sure I covered the massive area. last thing I need is a tuft of leg hair sticking out of the back of my shorts (although it might camouflage the cellulite at least).

Ah, I had missed a spot and as the razor took the hair and cream away I saw a tiny black spot. I brushed the spot with my finger and it was smooth and slightly raised but didn’t come off. As I contorted further to inspect this freckle perhaps, it moved…and when I say it moved, I actually mean the spot crawled.

I opened my mouth to scream but no sound escaped. I then proceeded to leap into the air, however, with my body already oddly contorted I slipped and began falling out of the shower. I grasped at the liner which stopped me from tumbling out of the tub but it did tear right through the plastic where three of the rings were. That was the furthest thing from my mind though. I needed to find the creature that was on my leg. I calmed myself as best I could and tried to re-assume my previous position. I was too panicked to hold that twisted position so I quickly sat in the tub and flipped my leg over.

It was there, through the unrelenting spray of water still coming from my shower head, that I saw the tick positioned inside a dimple just south of my right ass cheek. Oh the horror! The tick had just begun to bite, and perhaps my fatty thigh, although most likely appeared delectable to the tick, was not as easy to grab so I was able to pull him off with little effort.

Being a large child trapped inside an old Mom’s body, my eyes welled with tears as I washed the tick down the drain to his watery grave. Oh, were they all over me? Where had it come from? My afro? Not caring about the time, I rinsed my hair and repeated my earlier wash. About half way through my wash I saw another on my arm. “I’m infested!!!” I cried out to no one.

This tick was even easier to remove and unlike his friend had not bitten me as of yet. “See you in hell,” I told the blood- sucker as I sent him to the same watery grave as his friend.

Needless to say, I’ve been freaking out for more than a day. My hands are constantly feeling my scalp for any abnormalities (I know, I know. The real abnormalities are beneath my scalp). I feel buggy. I feel gross. I have a growing hatred of nature. I’m left wondering what will kill me first- the Lyme’s Disease or the West Nile Virus? Then this morning I pulled a tick off of Jake who didn’t even attend the trip. It had bitten him right on middle of his chest. I’ll be checking his chest and my ass for redness and or red rings for the foreseeable future, and if this creepy crawly feeling doesn’t go away I may end up shaving my head.

Can you imagine what would happen if a bunch of bugs got into my mustache or worse yet, penetrated my afro?! It would be like a bug party and I'd have to shave it off and just start over. I may be posting bald pictures soon.

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Challenged

Posted by Domestic Diva at 7:23 pm Uncategorized

Apr 212011

This has been one of those weeks where I’m feeling like I’m being tested daily (and not just as a parent). There’s been no shortage of bloggable material, but to be perfectly honest, I just haven’t felt like sitting down and writing about it. Aside from this week being incredible busy with a ton of running around, I’m in some sort of allergy haze as there’s been an eruption of pollen in my area. So rather than doing multiple posts, here’s the week in review:

Saturday: Went to the beach even though it was raining and took the three kids outlet shoe shopping. No further explanation needed.

Sunday: Went to a park, played mini golf, went on the beach, ate an actual bucket of boardwalk fries, and nearly slipped into a coma.

Monday: With Easter less than a week away, I decided to get the stuff for the kid’s baskets while my husband took a quick break for lunch. This was a deliberate move because the store where I was headed was the same place Jake insulted an old lady, biker, and cashier with an unknown gender all in one trip. For the first time, I grabbed a cart because the “Easter Box” with all the baskets, grass, and plastic eggs I had saved from last year was swallowed by my basement. I also had other items to purchase as well, so I hurried around, filling the pharmacy’s cart. As I approached the front of the store the cashier placed both hands over her mouth and began to giggle. She’s worked there a while so I know who she is, and I’d say she was socially awkward to say the least (that’s not an official diagnosis, and I’d rather just not go there). Anyway, as I start unloading she loudly exclaims, “Your hair is like KAAAA-POOOOOW!” I smiled and agreed, after all I walk around like this every day; I know what my hair looks like.

And yet for some reason, she kept at it. For nearly six minutes she rang up my items, and stopped after almost every item scanned to comment on my hair. “Do you know it’s out there?” and “I don’t mean to say it like that, but it’s all like WOW!” and “What’s it like in the summer?” oh, and “Can you even fit it under a hat?” There was a man, in his early forties maybe that was behind me in line. He just kept repeating quietly, “Oh, my God, stop talking.” If it wasn’t for the 10% off I get with every purchase, it might not be worth it to face the slew of insults at my local Rite Aide.

Tuesday: Spent the morning on a farm with Joey’s class, and Jake was also there with his preschool group accompanied by my husband. I’m not real into touching livestock, getting intimate with my future food, or thrilled about ecoli, but the trip was really entertaining for the kids and only a couple of hours long. We managed to get out of there with only one) goof when I told Joey to listen to a man who was speaking to the kids about various seeds (wonder why he was not paying attention)? This particular “farmer” had a pretty thick accent and Joey yelled out, “I can’t understand him, Mom! He’s speaking Spanish!” (Except he was Indian and speaking English). The gentleman shot me a look and did not seem amused. Other than that it was a good trip.

The kids were then loaded back on the bus and taken to a local park where all 106 of them respectively (with some other park goers and a few siblings) played for several hours after enjoying their lunch at picnic tables. For the most part it was fine, but all those kids climbing on the equipment at the same time, some hanging out the sides of the “rocket” jungle gym 10 ft in the air, was almost too much for me to take. I would have added some rum to my coke or tried to get my hands on some Xanax or something had I know the absolute mayhem that was about to take place. Just too many kids, too large of an area, with too few adults. Aside from some minor arguing over prime playground territory, a few kids drinking out of a dog watering bowl, a couple tumbles, and a few rain drops, the kids had a blast. There were no missing children, compound fractures or catastrophic falls, so all in all a good day.

The giant Rocket Jungle Gym that nearly gave me an anxiety attack. Please picture 100+ kids ALL on this at once. It happened.

Wednesday: Just like the last few weeks, we’ve had one day that hits 80 degrees (before it drops down to 50 again). Worked in the garden all day, husband had an allergy attack after cutting the grass and his eyes almost swelled totally shut. Ran to the store, saw FIVE people I knew, spoke to all of them, came home, looked in the mirror and was surprised they didn’t give the same reaction as the lady from Rite Aide. Dirt on my face. Dirt on my shirt. Hair was like “KAAAAA-POOOOW!”

Thursday: Spring break started a day early for Joey. He woke up with red, swollen eyes and a bad headache. I spent the day trying to rid our house of all the pollen I let in yesterday when I had every window open. Dusted and cleaned furniture, windows, walls, floors. Dust rag was a yellowish green from pollen and I sneezed most of the day. Considering wearing Depends Adult Diapers while Cecilia, the former sweet and innocent baby turned curious and destructive toddler, is awake. Took two bathroom breaks and paid for my brief moment behind a closed door. Trip one into the bathroom she spilled both of her brother’s juice cups on the kitchen table and the kitchen floor. She then proceeded to empty a container of baby wipes in order to ~~spread~~ clean the mess up. Two cups of coffee and a couple hours later, I slipped in the bathroom unnoticed…or so I thought. I heard a gentle scratching sound at the door and called out “Who’s there!” to which Cecilia squealed in delight and ran down the hall. Upon leaving the bathroom I discovered the scratching was not a sound made by her hands but rather from a red crayon that was all over the bathroom door, front door and down the hallway.

As I mentioned today is the official start of Spring Break. Pray for me, people. Pray for me.

Hope you’re all having a good week! Leave me a comment while you’re here and don’t forget to vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs!

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Mommy Poppins

Posted by Domestic Diva at 9:00 pm Uncategorized

Apr 062011

Today was “Kite Day” with Joey’s Kindergarten class. Kite Day, in case you didn’t know, involves every child bringing in a kite and all of them running around in an open field flying them at the same time (or at least trying to). Kite Day, my friends, is even more fun than you’re imagining it is.

Today’s festivities were rescheduled from last week due to wind/rain/snow, and although it was a bit chilly the sun was shining, and there was a steady kite flying breeze. Thankfully, all of the kites had been assembled by the “Wednesday Mom” this morning, so all the kids had to do was get them in the air. Sounds simple enough.

Joey has an awesome kite. It was purchased from “The Kite Store” where the name says it all. This kite puts all other kites to shame. It is comprised of some aerodynamic fabric and developed by NASA. The color combination and design will leave you breathless as it soars through the air. That kite is in my parent’s garage at the beach house.

Today Joey’s kite, from family Dollar, cost all of $2.50 and was made of trash bag type plastic, two skinny wooden sticks, and a string roll on a cheap plastic handle. I thought it was going to take Jesus Christ himself to appear and make this piece of shit fly.

Kite flying, as you may or may not know, is all about location. Location, location, location. So as I surveyed the available space, did a quick assessment of the wind’s speed and direction, and saw where most of the children were clustered, I took the kite and my son over on a hill by the far end of the field. I was not hopeful as I position my son and the crappy kite, and I was completely shocked as the kite took flight with ease. Joey wanted to watch me fly the kite, and I was so excited that ours was one of the first in the air. This caused me to get a little cocky and let that p.o.s. soar higher and higher.

“Mom!!! It’s gonna go to Mars! It’s too high! You’re making me nervous!” Joey whined.

“Are you kidding me, Joey? Look around, you’re supposed to fly your kite as high as you can. Welcome to Kite Day, son.” I half scolded.

I made Joey hold the kite a few times, but he preferred to backseat kite fly and critique my technique.

“Joey, relax. Have fun. Isn’t this fun? Watch, I’m going to make it go higher!” I squealed.

And so it was for twenty minutes. Yes, for twenty minutes my Joey’s kite soared higher and higher. This kite flew longer than any other kite I had ever flown, and I was pretty pleased with myself. I hummed the “Let’s Go Fly a Kite” song from Mary Poppins and thought those musical Londoners had nothing me. Joey, although nervous, began to see my mad kite flying skillz for what they were, and I took the time to prep him on what he should say to my husband when we got home. He was never going to believe this. I was rocking this kite flying business and after twenty minutes I had that kite flying 50 feet in the air.

The thing with a kite being 50 feet in the air is that if the kite loses the wind and spirals back to the earth it has the potential to fall 50 feet in any direction. I’m sure many of you are thinking I crashed the kite into a group of five year olds, into the teacher, or smack on top of the principals head. I didn’t, thank you very much.

But when this Family Dollar airborne miracle lost the wind beneath it’s wings and came crashing down, I watched helplessly as it spiraled out of my control right into a line of 35-40ft pine trees. Fudge…only I didn’t say fudge.

Joey cried out and my brief moment as an ace kite flyer was over. “It’s in the tree, Mom! I told you it was too high! It’s Kite Day and my kite is in the tree!” Captain Obvious wailed.

And there, atop the might pine, my pride and joy was wedged. I struggled for a moment and the kite fell down a few feet. A swift breeze spun it round a branch and as I tugged I knew it was a lost cause. “It’s over, Joey. I should have listened; we (I) flew it too high.”

Joey has no poker face. He sulked and slumped over and I tried to keep him with me and help some of the other kids whose parents didn’t come for the fun. Joey helped me help his friends and he also made sure to point out the kite in the pine to anyone who would listen. I laughed it off, seemed typical enough for me, just the ending I’d expect, until Joey walked over to observe another boy’s kite high in the air, down in the field below. Joey congratulated him on flying his kite so high and then quickly pointed his finger at me and called me out to yet another parent, “Yeah, my Mom flew my kite right into a tree. My Mom broke Kite Day.” I apologized again to Joey, but the other boy’s father said he’d go take a look.

I tried to explain it was 35 feet in the air and there was no way it was coming down. The boy’s father continued over towards the trees and pushed away some branches at the bottom. As he looked up at the tree I could not believe it as I saw him place his feet on a branch and he began a precarious ascent up the sappy pine. “Oh my God!” I exclaimed, “That is so unnecessary! The kite cost $2.50 and we flew it for awhile, it’s not worth you breaking your leg(s) or neck!”

The boy’s father ignored me and continued up the tree. The branches crackled and made snapping noises as he made his way all the way up to the top of a tree. Perhaps he was a bear in a previous life, maybe a squirrel, or maybe they teach police officers these things at the academy now (he’s a state trooper). Either way, after what felt like a lifetime he reached the kite and made what felt like an even slower decent. I kept thinking of what I’d say to his child when he fell 35 feet from the tree, and how I’d pay for his inevitable medical bills. Could I somehow have this covered under my homeowners insurance? Doubtful.

As he handed me back the kite Joey and several other children erupted into cheers. I knew the real miracle of Kite Day was not my long and glorious flight, but rather it was that this every day hero didn’t break his neck rescuing my kid’s crappy $2.50 kite….cause that is also my kind of luck.

: Nice flying, Mom.

With 2.50 for paper and strings
You can have your own set of wings
With your feet on the ground
You’re a bird in a flight
With your fist holding tight
To the string of your kite

Oh, oh, oh!
Let’s go fly a kite
Up to the highest height!
Let’s go fly a kite and send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Oh, let’s go fly a kite!

When you send it flyin’ up there
All at once you’re lighter than air
You can dance on the breeze
Over ‘Kindergartners and into trees
With your first ‘olding tight
To the string of your kite

Oh, oh, oh!
Let’s go fly a kite
Up to the highest height!
Let’s go fly a kite and send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Let’s go fly a kite!

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