Worst Mom in Town

 Posted by Domestic Diva at 2:28 pm  Uncategorized
Sep 142011
 

Well, as expected Fred’s return to his lost owners created a lot of negative emotions in my house. I have to sometimes remind myself that my kids are only six, four and two years old, and that life lesson rarely come easily or without some difficulty.

For Joey, my oldest, he was primarily saddened. He knew that returning Fred to their home was the right thing to do, and it just made him sad. The poor kid cried for an hour straight, and demonstrating the resilience of kids, he moved right from grief to anger which of course was directed at me…the worst Mom in town. I should also mention that Joey has been asking for a dog as long as he could talk. Last year, at some point, he talked with a school counselor about it (I hope it wasn’t in her office because no one told me about it). He came home and said that the counselor thought we should have “an open discussion about owning a pet and the responsibilities it holds.” I’ll be giving him plenty of counseling material with this latest event.

Jake, only being four, was saddened by Fred’s return, but he was not sold on the dog’s return as the right thing to do. There were a lot more questions like “If they lost him and aren’t responsible, why can’t we keep him?” Still questioning my decision, as he does most of the time anyway, he moved right into slathering on the guilt. He turned down an invitation to play with a friend after school and told me he was “just too sad to play.” He also fondly remembered Fred this morning and ask me, “Hey, Mom? Do you remember that time I had a dog to love?” Yes…it was yesterday.

Now Cecilia is two. Life with a toddler is challenging enough, and a lesson about right and wrong, on this level, just doesn’t translate into toddler. So when a two year old doesn’t understand why something happens, you can end up with crying, throwing fits, acting out, etc. Well, she did cry, and like her brothers. also can be dramatic (wonder who they got that from??) Yesterday, when she first realized the dog was gone, she told me “I wuved that doggy. Fred was my best friend.” She then proceeded to cry herself to sleep and I was feeling totally guilty and horrible until I saw this when I went to get her from her nap:

Take my dog? I'll show you. Here's Cecilia painted in Triple Paste (which is $25 a tub by the way). her legs, back of her hair, hands, carpet, dresser, books, toys and door all were covered in the ointment. It doesn't wash off with water either.

So now in addition to the unicorn poop, which I’m still finding all over my house, I have another submission for Shit my Kids Ruined. The ointment, which really works well keeping rashes dry, also does not come up very easily. So after wiping my daughter off with a dry cloth, baby wipes, and then a wash cloth I finally got it all off of her. At one point, while bathing her, I said, already knowing the answer, “Why would you make a big mean mess like this?” She replied with, “Where’s my dog?”

Mystery solved.

So three of the saddest kids ever went to bed dogless last night, and awoke today ready to spread the guilt on thick again.

I wonder what Fred is doing now?” Jake pondered.

Probably wondering why Mom gave him back to irresponsible owners…” Joey replied.

That doggy was cute. I wuved him and wuved him,” Cecilia recalled.

And perhaps worst of all was Cecilia’s reading material today which I had never seen before this morning…do they sell “Self Help” books for toddlers?

"Chicken Soup for the Kids Soul...Friendship" adorned with a picture of puppies.

And don’t worry she was actually crying because Jake had a book she wanted (and in addition to not understanding why we gave the dog back, Sharing is a pretty foreign concept as well).

So here we are…one day with a dog…and now one day without. I imagine it’ll be a few more days until my popularity begins to rise again.

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Life with Fred

 Posted by Domestic Diva at 4:59 pm  Uncategorized
Sep 132011
 

Yesterday afternoon I left the house in a rush, and just a hundred feet from my neighborhood I came upon a little white (but dirty) dog in the middle of the road.  He narrowly escaped being flattened by a semi-truck and car, and I felt compelled to pull over.  The dog had now moved to the shoulder of the road where he stood filthy and panting heavily, but began to wag his tail when I approached the scared pooch.

I’ve been in the situation a dozen times or so before and usually the dog runs away from me and I try to at least steer it away from traffic.  Fred, as my children would come to call him, was different.  He whimpered a bit, but bravely came towards me and gave no resistance as I scooped him up and placed him in the back of the Suburban.  He was wet, covered in dirt, and smelled gross, but I left all that out when I called home to warn my husband what I had just done.   My husband replied with a few curse words mumbled under his breath and asked what I intended to do.  My hope was that it was a dog from the neighborhood so I said I would drive around looking for his owner after I had the boys.

Oh, my boys were so happy when I surprised them with the muddy mongrel in the car!  They didn’t care if he smelled bad or was all dirty, they just instantly fell in love.  As soon as we got home, I let the dog pee in the backyard, gave him some water, and started driving around looking for his owners.  I called the local animal shelter and left my information and the dog’s description as I drove.  No one had called looking for him yet.

I stopped about 30 adults in the neighborhood and I had about five false identifications.  I left my info with everyone on where to find me if someone came looking for the lost pet.  After an hour, I came home and let the dog in the backyard again while I tried to figure out what to do.  I called a local vet who said I could have the dog scanned the next day for a chip, but that they were closing up then.  So as the dog frolicked around the backyard with the kids, I knew I was in trouble.  The longer this dog stayed, the worse it was going to be on the kids (and me) later.

One thing was for sure, this little pooch wasn’t stepping foot in my house covered in whatever it was all over him so I gave the dog  bath, and was shocked how behaved he was.  I’ve never owned a dog that just stood there and let me soap, lather and rinse without a shake or attempt at escape.  After his bath we bought some food and he ate his dinner hungrily, but sat quietly while we ate ours.

The dog knew basic commands, went to the door when he had to go to the bathroom, barked to come back inside, and didn’t seem to mind the kids following him around like a lost bunch of puppies themselves.  He played with the toys they gave him,  but didn’t bother anything else. The kids showered him with belly rubs, ball tosses and Cecilia taught him about Colors and the Seasons by reading him two of her favorite books.  They decided to call him Fred, and swore they’d love him forever.  I told them we were just helping Fred find his way home, and the kids agreed that if he was their dog and he was lost, they’d be sad so we should help him if we could.

Nighttime came and we decided since Fred was so behaved he could sleep upstairs on an old blanket.  He quietly laid on his spot until 7am when he woke to go outside.  The kids all woke up happy, even though much earlier than normal, and played with the dog after breakfast.  I called the shelter again and still no one called looking for him, so I picked up a leash to take him to the vet to get scanned.

Before that he enjoyed some yard time with Cecilia and Jake and even a walk around the neighborhood.  Still no one knew where he was from.  After dropping Jake off at school, with Fred flying copilot, Cecilia and I took Fred to the vet down the road.  He sniffed around as the tech read his tag and after the second sweep she had a hit.

I have to admit, my heart sunk a little.  She checked their system with no luck, but called around and gave me Fred’s address. Actually Fred is really Zippy and he lives just two blocks from my house, in an adjacent neighborhood.  I called the contact numbers and dropped Fred, I mean Zippy, off at the owner’s workplace.  Apparently, Zippy is known for breaking loose so maybe we’ll see him again one day.

My daughter cried when we got home and she realized the dog wasn’t in the car.  She said “where’s my doggy. I wuv him. He a happy dog.” over and over. When I put her down for a nap she cried over the monitor and said “I want my doggy.” again and again.

Things would only get worse when picking up Jake and Joey from school.  Joey search the street for our car and I told him I found Fred’s home while he was at school. The poor kid literally burst into tears and cried for an hour after school.  Jake said he was too sad to play outside. Too many memories I guess.

So there you have it.  Life with Fred was good yet brief.  He was the best dog I didn’t own, and I know my kids won’t soon let me forget him.  So if anyone want to donate a hypoallergenic dog (my husband and father are both allergic and that’s why we don’t have a dog) let me know.  Until then, we have a day’s worth of memories and a handful of photos:

Fred cools off in the shade after playing with the kids

An old dog might not be able to learn new tricks, but he sure can learn his colors. Or wait... Aren't dog's color blind? That just makes Fred extra special.

Say what you want, but Fred knows fashion. Feather boas are all the rage this year.

Have you ever found a lost pet? Ever ripped your kid’s hearts out? Leave me a comment so I don’t feel so horrible…at least tell me where to go find another dog. The guilt is killing me.  And while you’re here, click on the link below to cast an automatic vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs. Just one click is all it takes!  Thank you!
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Jun 062011
 

I’ve defeated the pet ants I told you about in my last post.  No, I didn’t find a solution to keeping the pests at bay like a new spray or trap, but I did use my superior intellect and cunning to keep Joey from attracting and nurturing pet ants.  Some people might call what I’ve done giving in, but getting the kid a real pet will hopefully prevent the capture, feeding and hiding of insects (including but not limited to ants, slugs, moths, caterpillars and potato bugs) inside of my home.

This weekend, while we were at the beach, we stopped and purchased three hermit crabs:

Apparently, hermit crabs, when given the proper living environment, can live for 15 to 40 years.  So far, I’m happy that these three have survived since Saturday.  From my research, these pets are clean and relatively easy to care for…we’re following some simple tips like having the more than one crab (apparently they are social creatures and live longer in pair and groups), giving them a few larger empty shells in case they want to switch, providing driftwood for climbing, and sand for digging.  The information also said that these pets like to be walked and allowed to roam around on occasion, so the kids are excited that they can race the crabs and walk them outside.  However, I told them we should let them get used to their new home before we start racing them in the driveway.

As a child, we had two hermit crabs, and from what I can remember they lived for a couple years.  One even escaped while we were on vacation and we didn’t find it for two weeks after we returned.  The crab apparently lived off of dust and lint from behind the dryer during his time out of the cage.  With the fabulous accommodations we’ve given our new crabs, they’ve got to live a while.

Just wish me luck…if these things die, I’ll most likely be coerced into buying a larger animal.  Just look how attached Joey is already…he was singing them to sleep on Saturday (the cage he has them in was just for transportation purposes):

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Jun 022011
 

Picture from http://www.nataliedee.com/

 

This may be hard to believe, but I didn’t always used to be clever.  In fact, as a small child, I was quite the opposite.  Case in point, one day I was pestering my Mom for a banana.  My mother, in her infinite wisdom, knew I probably wasn’t going to eat the whole thing, but in an attempt to keep me quiet (I assume) for 10 minutes, she allowed me to sit on our front steps one summer morning and eat a banana.  Several days past, and my Mom was returning from a walk with my infant sister in the stroller and with me in toe, when she noticed a line of ants crawling under the welcome mat.  As she lifted the mat she was met with a brownish, sticky mush covered in ants.  In her surprise and disgust my mother exclaimed in a completely rhetorical manner, “What the hell is that!?”

I, as a totally brilliant three year old, nonchalantly looked at the bug covered mess and calmly replied, “I don’t think it’s a banana, Mom.”

Imagine my surprise when my Mom was able to deduce, with great ease no less, that I had in fact not finished my banana on the steps just days before, and not wanting to get an “I told you so” from my Mom, had quietly discarded the remaining banana under the front mat.  At the time I thought my mother must be a genius, in retrospect, I was not as smart as I thought I was.

Now, what’s that saying curse Mothers casually throw around to their kids?  I hope you have three just like you?  Well, if I had a nickle every time my Mother cast that spell upon me, I’d surely have a ton of nickles.  Plus, it worked. I’ve got three…and they seem a lot like me.

My kids want a pet.  They bother me constantly about getting a dog, a cat, a bird, a dolphin, a pterodactyl, a hippo, the list goes on and on.  At this point I have no interest in cleaning up after another animal.  We have not potty trained Cecilia yet (fml), and I don’t care to pick up something else’s shit everyday.  Besides that, my Dad is allergic to dogs (as is my husband just not as severely as my Dad), so he wouldn’t be able to come here and we couldn’t take our dog to his beach house on weekends.  I know some dog’s are considered “hypoallergenic” but there’s no dog that’s 100% and it depends on the person.  Anyway, they consider just about anything they can capture a pet.  So moths, butterflies, fireflies, potato bugs, slugs, and caterpillars and toads are the most frequently captured and beloved pets.  I almost caved and got Joey a dog one day after he cried (this was a few weeks ago) after he collected a half dozen slugs and cried when i made him release them. I held my ground though, and I continue to have to do it daily.

My kids, who are all turning a year older in July, are perhaps slightly more clever than I was at their age.  Remember last summer when Joey released a bucket full of crickets, caterpillars and fire flies in his room one night? Yeah, this was much worse.

We have what most would call an ant problem.  They kept coming in through the front and back doors, and I kept cleaning like mad around those areas (both inside and out) and using “home remedies” to keep the persistent pests at bay.  It seemed to work for a few days and then they would return.  We took a few weekend trips too and they’d be back with a vengeance.  My Dad even stopped by and sprayed around the house while we were gone. The ants keep returning.

So yesterday I was sweeping around the back door and I found five goldfish crackers which appeared to have been positioned in the track of my sliding glass door.  Even more peculiar was a small sticky puddle between each goldfish.  Joey, was sitting behind me at the kitchen table, when I rhetorically echoed my own mother’s exclamation from nearly thirty years before, “What the hell is this?!”

Joey looks up from his juice cup and says, “Oh, that’s for the pet ants.”

“The pet ants?” I repeated.

“Yeah, I keep feeding them little pieces of crackers or bread…oh, and they like juice and chocolate milk.” he explained.

Now the sticky substance made sense; it was juice.  But I was still a little perplexed.  “Joey, how long have you been feeding the ants? Which might I quickly add, are not pets.”

“I dunno. For awhile. I put down little crumbs that you can’t get with your broom after snack time….oh, and I leave big stuff that they eat all gone when we go to the beach” he reported.

“Like these goldfish?” I pointed and closed my eyes.

“Yeah, I put that there before we left for the beach weekend” he said as he stood up and left the room.

Like I said, they’re smart, but no clue how to be clever.  He should have stuck with a nonchalant, “I dunno, but it’s probably not ant food.”

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May 142011
 

Friday the 13th started as most others did. The chipper chimes of my phone’s alarm annoyed me from my slumber.  I begrudgingly turned on the shower and began the start of another day.  This morning, in addition to being unlucky because of the date, would prove to be another busy day between schools, shopping, yard work (we expanded my garden an extra 5×20 ft), and doing some stuff for the website.  At least today there were no volunteer hours or field trips which seem to take a valuable chunk of my day right out from under me.

As I lathered my hair, I thought about yesterday’s field trip to one of Delaware’s State Parks, which truth be told was more like a swamp, with Joey’s Kindergarten class.  Although it was a rather short trip, just under three hours in all, the kids managed to squeeze in a lesson on the importance of trees, a quick craft, a walk through the nature center, a walk around a pond (swamp), followed a trail into the woods and finally grabbed a picnic style lunch.

When I dressed Joey that morning I put him in long pants even though the temperatures were forecast to climb in the afternoon.  I choose similar attire, and as we walked through the woods and I spied patch after patch of poison ivy, I knew I made a smart decision as far as the apparel was concerned.  Although, I did forget hats.  Aside from the fact that ticks (and Lyme’s Disease) are prevalent here, I would have preferred an extra barrier between my head and any other creatures.  I also skipped perfume and lotion, yet still managed to come come with no less that a dozen mosquito bites.  I’m hoping not to be the state’s first confirmed case of West Nile Virus because I saw some of these massive blood suckers as they began feasting on my flesh.  These winged beasts looked like something out of the Jurassic Period.

Anyway, I was ready to jump out of the shower when I remembered another day warm temperatures laid ahead so I broke out my shaving cream and razor and began shaving my stubbly legs.  This daily shave (above the knee even) was really the only bad thing about warmer weather that I could come up with as I went up the back of my right leg and did a half turn to reach the upper part of my thigh.  Just because it’s not an easy reach I looked back to be sure I covered the massive area. last thing I need is a tuft of leg hair sticking out of the back of my shorts (although it might camouflage the cellulite at least).

Ah, I had missed a spot and as the razor took the hair and cream away I saw a tiny black spot.  I brushed the spot with my finger and it was smooth and slightly raised but didn’t come off.  As I contorted further to inspect this freckle perhaps, it moved…and when I say it moved, I actually mean the spot crawled.

I opened my mouth to scream but no sound escaped.  I then proceeded to leap into the air, however, with my body already oddly contorted I slipped and began falling out of the shower.  I grasped at the liner which stopped me from tumbling out of the tub but it did tear right through the plastic where three of the rings were.  That was the furthest thing from my mind though. I needed to find the creature that was on my leg.   I calmed myself as best I could and tried to re-assume my previous position. I was too panicked to hold that twisted position so I quickly sat in the tub and flipped my leg over.

It was there, through the unrelenting spray of water still coming from my shower head, that I saw the tick positioned inside a dimple just south of my right ass cheek.  Oh the horror!  The tick had just begun to bite, and perhaps my fatty thigh, although most likely appeared delectable to the tick, was not as easy to grab so I was able to pull him off with little effort.

Being a large child trapped inside an old Mom’s body, my eyes welled with tears as I washed the tick down the drain to his watery grave.  Oh, were they all over me?  Where had it come from? My afro?  Not caring about the time, I rinsed my hair and repeated my earlier wash.   About half way through my wash I saw another on my arm. “I’m infested!!!” I cried out to no one.

This tick was even easier to remove and unlike his friend had not bitten me as of yet.  “See you in hell,” I told the blood- sucker as I sent him to the same watery grave as his friend.

Needless to say, I’ve been freaking out for more than a day.  My hands are constantly feeling my scalp for any abnormalities (I know, I know. The real abnormalities are beneath my scalp).  I feel buggy.  I feel gross. I have a growing hatred of nature.  I’m left wondering what will kill me first- the Lyme’s Disease or the West Nile Virus?  Then this morning I pulled a tick off of Jake who didn’t even attend the trip.  It had bitten him right on middle of his chest.  I’ll be checking his chest and my ass for redness and or red rings for the foreseeable future, and if this creepy crawly feeling doesn’t go away I may end up shaving my head.

Can you imagine what would happen if a bunch of bugs got into my mustache or worse yet, penetrated my afro?! It would be like a bug party and I'd have to shave it off and just start over. I may be posting bald pictures soon.

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Flamers

 Posted by Domestic Diva at 9:56 am  Uncategorized
Oct 162010
 

I welcome Fridays every week like a friend who I haven’t seen in years. If someone, someday tells me I have seven days left to live, I hope it feels as long as my week’s do now. I usually start my week wearing freshly done laundry, slightly rejuvenated from the weekend, looking almost human, and as the week wears on and beats the hell out of me, I end up in sweats and a hat by Friday, barely hanging on, struggling to make it through one last weekday.

This week felt particularly rough, although in reality it was probably just as bad as any other week. We had our first school activity of the year last night, and even though all I wanted to do was collapse onto a couch after another long and arduous week, Joey was reared up and ready to go for “Fall Fest.”

Aside from having to park along the road adjacent to the school, trying to maneuver through hundreds of people, and not really knowing where to go and what was available to do, it went well. The kids had a good time playing games and “winning” candy, but once the confusion and crowd madness began to peak, we bribed the kids to leave with the promise of Wendy’s Frosties.

After the kids were happily fed and finally put to bed, my husband and I decided maybe an adult beverage and a fire in the fireplace would be a nice relaxing way to wind down the week. As my husband began to light the fire, I settled in on the couch with my blanket and glass of wine. Once lit, he grabbed his beer and sat down next to me. I closed my eyes for a minute listening to the popping and crackling of the fire. After just a moment, I opened my eyes to examine the now excessive popping and crackling in the fireplace.

Pieces of something were falling down into the fire and would quickly ignite and burn up. A damn bird’s nest was probably up in the chimney. I checked before putting in the logs and saw nothing, but it was also rather dark. While some of the pieces of nest seemed to ignite and quickly disappear some seemed to be blowing around in the fireplace. Suddenly a flaming piece fell out of the screen onto the slate in front of the fire and began crawling around.

“Holy shit, Joe! What the hell is that?! Get it! Get it!” I yelled. My husband quickly picked up a ceramic coaster and squashed the flaming-whatever-it-was and began to examine it while I quickly fixed the small gap in the iron screen. “What the fuuu…” I trailed off as I saw twenty or so flying flaming whatevers in the fireplace.

I was correct in assuming there was a nest in the chimney, but I was wrong when I guessed what kind of nest it was…we now had a fireplace full of burning wasps. Some wasps were already dead while others, now on fire, were flying around trying to escape the flames. I used one of the fireplace tools to try to smack them off the screen and back into the fire. I didn’t even want to think about what the conversation with the insurance company would like if I told them dozens of flaming wasps ignited my living room. That seemed like a stretch, even for me.

Finally, once all the wasps appeared dead, we went to settle back onto the couch, but were interrupted by the boys who were now out of bed from all the commotion. I chugged my remaining 1/2 glass of wine, and knew I had it coming for even trying to sit down and relax…

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After last week’s cricket incident at my local grocery store (read here if you missed it), I’ve been apprehensive about leaving the house.  In fact, aside from working in the yard Saturday and cleaning Sunday, I didn’t do anything requiring me to leave the house the entire  weekend.

As we pulled up to Joey’s school yesterday morning, I found myself scanning the faces of the other parents walking their children into the building.  I live in a small town, any of these people could have seen me having a break down in the Acme parking lot. Any of these fathers could be the man who stuck his hand down my shirt.  I put on my big dark “Jackie O” glasses, took Joey’s hand and walked him up the block and into school.

I managed to get in and out of school without seeing anyone from last week’s incident, and I began to relax as I took my first steps back outside and breathed in the crisp, cool morning air.  Just as I started down the sidewalk, enjoying what would be my only peaceful moment of the day, I heard shouting off to my right and saw a flash of brown.

Before I knew what hit me, I flopped right out of one shoe and hopped out of control backwards into the grass. The morning dew was cold and unwelcome on my one barefoot, and as I struggled to regain balance I grabbed a hold of the brown mass that knocked me out of my momentary zen and back to reality.

My eyes must have shut instinctively, and it was actually the smell of wet dog that told my brain what must have thrust me from my intended path.  As I began to push the brown mongrel off me, it became immediately clear that this (apparent) horse/dog hybrid was not actually jumping on me, but he had secured his front paws around my upper right thigh and was furiously humping my leg.  The dog continued to go to town as I hobbled in the grass and the woman who evidently owns the beast reached us.

She pulled on his collar, commanding the beast to sit, however, “Captain” as she called him, was firm in his intent to make sweet love to my Old Navy Flirt jeans.  Finally, she hooked his leash into his collar, and with one mighty pull she broke his hold on my leg.

As I awkwardly searched for my missing shoe, the woman, in her early twenties began to profusely apologize.  She explained it was her brother’s dog who she was watching while he was out of town. She further explained that the dog, seeing something walk past the front door, actually ripped through her screen and her chase ensued.

I told her it was okay, as the memories of the last large loose dog incident washed over me, and I told “Captain” next time he should at least buy me dinner first.  The dog, now sitting calmly, just looked at me with that “dumb-dog-look,” wagged his tail and panted loudly.

On my walk back to the car, I thanked God that Joey makes me stay and wait for him to hang his bag, find his chair, and color his picture before saying our farewell for the day. Otherwise there may have been more than two or three people who witnessed the event.  I pondered whether or not I should get my own dog just to ward off these other unruly animals roaming my town.

My Monday continued to  spiral downhill with a horrific looking bloody lip for Jake, a blood stain from Jake’s bloody lip on my second pair of pants for the day, a poopy diaper blow out for Cecilia resulting in scrubbing shit from her outfit and my carpet, and finally my crappy super heated Dell laptop being pulled from the couch to the floor and cracking the adapter plug (compromised by the extreme heat I imagine) and ultimately shutting down perhaps never to be turned on again (the battery died after 6 months).

As I finally ended my Monday, chewed some tums to settle the indigestion that came with only having had time to eat potato salad for dinner, and I had to laugh that being humped by that horny beast, was actually one of the better parts of my Wednesday Monday.

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Jul 212010
 

There are some days that I worry I won’t have anything “funny” to post about, then I open my eyes, look around, and remember where I live.  I’m so glad that you all enjoyed the muddy messy mongrel story from last week, and I’m even happier to report we have not had any more dogs running loose in the house.  However, that hell hound will not be soon forgotten; I have continued to find random chunks of dirt and muddy tail streaks on the walls in places I didn’t even know the dog had been.

Things have been relatively normal quiet around here. Aside from the kids being stir crazy and stuck inside most of the day because of the heat, humidity, and thunderstorms, not much mayhem has been happening. Monday began no differently, and by about 4pm I was about to shoot myself in the foot if I had to watch “Up” or “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs” again. Thankfully, as we ate our dinner, clouds began to roll in, providing some relief from the persistent summer sun. After gobbling down our dinner, which really isn’t that different from any other night, we checked the radar and headed outside with the kids.   With any luck at all, playing outside would help get the kids tired and ready for bed. Jake and Cecilia played in the sandbox, and Joey followed me around my vegetable garden. The garden, now nearly impassable down the center, is over-flowing with plant (and some animal) life.  Joey gently collected beetles, spiders, lady bugs, some sort of buzzy insects, caterpillars and about a dozen fire flies (aka lightning bugs) by the time it was dark and time to head inside.

Joey, who meticulously captures each bug in a small container, and then transports it into a larger one that has the “houses” (grasses, leaves, and sticks), threw a royal fit about releasing his “friends.”  Normally, I do not give in to this type of annoying behavior, but this night I was exhausted both mentally and physically. Joey agreed to leave his jar by the back door, and he peacefully went inside for a bath and bed. Seemed liked a win-win to me.

By the time I heard something go “bump’ in the night, I had forgotten about the bugs in the jar by the back door. At first, I didn’t open my eyes, but rather I just laid there, hoping it was just a book or toy falling off one of the kid’s beds. “Bump, Bump, Shuffle..” Shit, one of the kids was awake and my husband was either pretending to be asleep or had fallen into a grizzly like hibernation.  Still mostly asleep myself, I rolled over, facing my open (always) bedroom door and half opened my eyes to see if there was a child out in the hallway. The hallway was still pitch black, a pretty good indicator that no one was roaming about, but my eyes caught a strange yellowish flash. I mumbled a few choice curse words, opened my eyes, and sat half up in bed, trying to focus on the funny yellow light. “Buzzzzzz!” and then something clicks hard against the baby’s dimly lit video monitor. WTF? I turn on my bedside lamp, my husband  now curses at me, and I see a beetle buzzing around the screen of the monitor.  Next I hear Joey starting to cry from inside his room.  In retrospect, this may have been a strategic maneuver on his part after hearing his father and I stirring in our room.

As I open Joey’s door, I see him holding a seemingly empty bug sanctuary, and I observe insects buzzing about his room, several flying around his lamp. Joey, now in full blown tears, fearing a midnight beat down, is powerless to recapture his many bugs without his smaller container. His cries become more panicked as he sees my husband stumble into the room muttering a stream of curses under his breath.  At this moment, only the fear of waking a sleeping one and three year old, save Joey from physical punishment.  Then for the next hour my husband and I gingerly caught bugs, placing them back into the jar, and I wondered who I was more angry at, me or Joey.

Now I know, we did not capture all the bugs. Specifically, I’m concerned that we are missing at least two caterpillars, but at 2am it’s hard to give a shit about much of anything, least of all bugs. At that time I just wonder how long it will be until I start finding moths in the house.

So as we climbed back into bed, it being nearly 3am now, we saw a lightning bug flash his ass (almost mockingly I think) in the hallway, my husband turned to me and asked if I could please pass the “Off.”  Secretly, we both know it’s funny, but I grouchily blame his genetics and roll over to get a solid three more hours of sleep.

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The last two days it rained and rained; I’m talking Noah’s Ark type rain. Aside from having an afro due to the high humidity levels, and having to wake the kids up early Tuesday morning because of a Tornado warning, I’m really not complaining about the weather. My water bill has been absurd this summer as I’ve struggled to keep my 26 new hedge roses and giant vegetable garden alive despite the unseasonably hot and dry weather. We gave up on the grass about three weeks ago, and after the recent monsoon rains, our yard, as well as the rest of the yards in our neighborhood, look like mud pits.

The dog looks like he’s been outside, weathering the storm, for the last two days; his true fur color, white, only showing through in patches. The rest of the dog is now literally caked in mud. He reminds me of the “Mud People” from Woodstock, and for a brief moment, before all hell breaks loose, he is perfectly still and just staring at me.

“What the fuuuu…” I begin to mutter as my eyes first fall on the almost unrecognizable creature standing on my deck. “Joey, nooooooo!” I exclaim, but it is too late. Joey is already opening the back door, Jake is squealing with excitement, and the muddy mangy mutt bolts into the house.

Mayhem ensues.  I think for a moment I may be losing consciousness, but as the retriever mix jumps up on me, nearly knocking me into the wall, leaving two muddy streaking paw prints down the front of my shirt, I snap back to reality.  The dog, clearly beside himself to be in the house, is literally racing around my downstairs leaving actual chunks of mud and grass on the floors, walls, sofas, and children.  The boys are literally falling down with laughter and are making no attempts at catching the hell hound as he stops only for brief moments to rub up against and lick them. My daughter, who is thankfully behind a baby gate, looks on with sheer joy, and jumps up and down, eyes begging to be let free and included in the fun.

Sweating and breathless, home alone with the children and devil dog, I stop, hands on knees, to develop a strategy.  I slip and slide on the linoleum, and make my way quickly to the back door, throwing it wide open. The dog, now on the leather sofa in the living room, waits for my next move.

I move slowly, “good boy, good boy…can you sit? Want a treat?” I calmly ask as I slowly move towards the crusty canine.  Incorporating this into his “game” he slowly lowers his front paws and head while simultaneously raising his rear into the air. His body is perfectly still except for his mud stained tail that wags back and forth uncontrollably, water still dripping from it onto the leather sofa.  I know what the flea bag is planning, and as I attempt to stand perfectly frozen, my eyelid begins to twitch with furry.

The messy mongrel sees the slight uncontrolled movement of my eyelid and pounces. I, too, make my move and leap in the direction of the dog. Then the collision of Mom and Muddy Mutt occurs. My eyes instinctively close tightly and my muscles tense as I am suddenly catching 60+ pounds of disgusting dog.  My ears ring, my arms lock around the dog, my children scream with delight, as I fall, seemingly in slow motion, into my white dining room table cloth.

My ears are ringing. I hear no sound. Everything is going super slow. The boys are jumping up and down, the biggest smiles I’ve ever seen adorn their faces, and I and the dog are practically sitting on the dinning room table.  My hearing returns in a snap and I can hear my daughter’s cries from the family room, desperate to be included. Both boys are hysterical with laughter, holding each other while jumping up and down. The dog may have lost the battle, but in his mongrel mind, hasn’t quite lost the war.

There’s nothing on this planet that could make me drop this damn dog. He’s wriggling back and forth, licking at my face, but I just tighten my grip. He then continues to grind God knows what all over my shirt and pants as I carry him with his back against me, under his two front legs, through my house.  I think I begin speaking in tongues, new curse words that I never even heard before, begin escaping my lips as I practically throw the dog out the back door.

He makes a lap around the yard, new mud flying up around (and on) him.  As I shut the back door and run down the steps of the deck, the crazed canine runs out of the open gate, the same way he came in.  Have I mentioned yet that we do not own a dog?

Slower now, covered in mud, yet somehow still victorious, I make my way over to close the gate, just in time to catch a glimpse of the dog, who I have never seen before (and for his sake better never see again), run around the corner of the block.

It is times like these, with half my house and most of myself covered in mystery mud, that I consider for a fleeting moment just giving up.  Instead, with my children still laughing and begging for a dog of their own, happier than they’ve been in days (since stuck inside due to the weather), I instead grab my bucket, brush, and Clorox wipes and get to work… laughing myself half silly while cleaning up the mess.

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