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Well that sucks

Posted by Domestic Diva at 10:35 am Uncategorized

May 172012

Wednesday morning felt longer than most, and I watched anxiously as the minutes slowly ticked away on the clock. As I sat in the window and waited, I felt like a kid on Christmas!

The butterflies in my stomach fluttered and danced with every sound of an approaching vehicle.

When, oh when, would it arrive?

What would it feel like to finally hold it in my hands?

How will I feel when I finally look upon its beauty…its power.

Just when I thought I couldn’t make it another moment without it, I heard the undeniable sound of the UPS truck as it rounded the corner and approached my house.

Before the driver was able to apply the brakes and halt the truck, I was already out the door, running barefoot to meet him at the end of the driveway.

I couldn’t help but bounce around a little as I heard the driver searching for my package in the back. As he pulled the box into view, I tried to be casual and said, “Oh, I didn’t even realize this was coming today.”

The driver smiled but eyed me suspiciously, clearly not believing a word I said, and replied, “Let me carry it to the door for you.”

I caught myself skipping up the driveway behind him and quickly changed my pace to a quick walk careful not to follow too close behind him.

As he set the package down and scanned the item the joy was too much to contain and I blurted out, “Oh my God it’s more beautiful than I imagined! I can’t wait to fire this baby up!”

He chuckled and told me to have fun as I began opening the packaging just inside the door.

My hands couldn’t go fast enough.

I quickly read the instructions and assembled the product, letting out the occasional “ohhhh!” and “ahhh!” as I connected pieces together completing a virtual masterpiece right before my eyes.

Surely this is how Michelangelo felt as he put the final touches on the Sistine Chapel in Rome.

Finally, I plugged it in, clicked the power button on, and stood motionless for a moment absorbing the power as the machine kicked to life.

A flood of emotions rushed through me as I took her on her maiden voyage…

The LG Kompressor Plus sucked even more than I ever imagined…it sucked up dirt, dust, goldfish crackers, Cheerios and the like that had been neglected by my previous Dyson.

If only vacuuming was this fun every day…

It’s the simple things right? Are there things you get a little too excited about? Leave me a comment!

Moms just want to have fun

Posted by Domestic Diva at 1:11 pm Uncategorized

May 142012

A belated Happy Mother’s Day to all of you Moms out there! I hope you enjoyed your day and didn’t end up with any Bad Mother’s Day Gifts!

I got a new vacuum.

No, no it’s okay. I asked for a new vacuum. It’s totally an appropriate gift when you ask for it.

I also got my husband to accompany me to Target on Saturday with all three kids so we could buy new bike accessories like helmets, pads, etc., and because my husband hates shopping with the kids as much as I do, I was able to toss some other “gifts for me” in the cart without any protest. His goal is to get in and out as quickly as possible, and mine is to shop Super Market Sweep style throwing as much shit in the cart as possible. Scored a new deck umbrella, a couple indoor & outdoor decor items, books for the kids and a new water slide for the back yard.

Even though the kids wanted a new water toy, I was the one who picked this one, The Wave Crasher, out. I figure if I have to be outside supervising, I might as well get something that I want to play with too.

So when we got home, I broke it in.

Move over kids, let Mama show you how it’s done:

…like a boss.

So there you have it…all in all a great weekend of testing the weight limit of toys, teaching the kids about water displacement, and an entire weekend spent outside neglecting laundry and chores.

Hope you all had a great Mother’s Day too. You deserve it!

10 Terribly Bad Mother’s Day Gifts

Posted by Domestic Diva at 11:49 pm Uncategorized

Apr 282012

Maybe you don’t mean to buy bad gifts…or maybe you do. So whether you’re looking for gifts to avoid giving this Mother’s Day, or whether you’re looking to give the Mom in your life something awful, these 10 gifts will leave you thankful for those oven mitts, World’s Best Mom Mugs, or even if you’ve received nothing before!

10 Terribly Bad Mother’s Day Gifts:

1. Tissue Box Photo Cover $9.95- I love photos as much as the next Mom, but just because you can stick a photograph on something doesn’t mean that you should. When in doubt, go with a traditional frame, and don’t turn Mom’s treasured pictures into creepy keepsakes.

2. Chinchilla Apron $39.95 – Even though this Chinchilla Apron is faux, it has no place in the kitchen…or anywhere else.

3. Face Slimmer Duck Mask sold by the Japanese Trend Shop $78 – There are so many things wrong with giving this to Mom as a gift, or to anyone at anytime, that I really don’t know where to start. Let’s just state part of the obvious and say that you should avoid gifts that insinuate that Mom needs to do exercises to slim down her fat face. Also, look at this thing! It looks like a …WTF?

4. Picnic Pants – Have you noticed that your Mom rarely picnics anymore? Is it because she’s too busy? Is it because her arms are full with diaper bags, purses, etc. and she just doesn’t have a free hand to tote around the necessary picnic blanket? Or perhaps it’s because her regular Mom jeans don’t allow her to eat off her lap with ease? Well, have I got a product for you! Picnic Pants! Mom can enjoy eating out of her lap anywhere she can sit cross-legged (BONUS cup holder on her pant leg too)! I have no idea how much these cost because I could only stand to look at this site long enough to copy the link and the ridiculous picture.

5. Assorted Chocolate Crocheted Satchels $25- Really? Crocheted Chocolates? These were being advertised for Mother’s Day specifically, and what’s the message this gift sends to dear old Mom? Hey Mom, I know you love to eat chocolate, but maybe you should just look at it instead. Oh, but don’t worry, it smells like the real thing! Enjoy! For $25 go buy your Mom some real chocolate…seriously. I’m sure she’s earned at least that much by being your mother.

6. Subtle Butt Gas Filters 11.95 – Leave the fart jokes and these gassy ass filters for Father’s Day. Please.

7. Houreisen Face Exercise Mask $92 -Last year’s hockey mask made such an impression on you, I had to include another this year too. This one makes Mom look like she should be a professional wrestler…if you really want to give her a great gift, how about an actual facial? A spa treatment says you care, whereas a facial exercise mask says you’re kind of an ass.

8. Hand Dipped Roses 19.99-799.99 – For $19.99 go buy a beautiful, real bouquet for Mother’s Day…fresh flowers are always a nice gesture. And if you’re planning on shelling out nearly $800 for Mother’s Day, you could get some fabulous gold bling (and score some major points) with jewelry, instead of this odd, expensive floral thing.

9. Cooking For the Clueless DVD $18.99- I know someone who once received cooking lessons for Mother’s Day. Now, I’m not saying this was the reason, but she is divorced now… Even if Mom really, truly needs them, Mother’s Day is not the time to give the gift of better cooking.

10. The Emergency Bra $49.99 - Is your Mom constantly worried about being in an emergency situation without a gas mask? Does the gas mask she owns take up too much space in her purse (who’s doesn’t)? Well, Mom can relax and look stylish in her new Emergency Bra. If the moment arises, these safety cups can cover her mouth and allow Mom to breathe with ease. Whew! Function meets fashion with this handy under garment!

So would you give or like to get any of these gifts? Leave me a comment and let me know!

You might also like last year’s Bad Mother’s Day Gifts, or you can read some of my other Bad Gift Guides too! I promise there’s something awful for anyone on your list!

Earth Day 2012

Posted by Domestic Diva at 11:35 am Uncategorized

Apr 222012

It’s Earth Day 2012, and even though according to the Mayan’s we’re all screwed in a matter of months, I am still doing what I can to help save the Earth just in case we’re all still here December 22nd.

Even though my kids are little I try to teach them about the importance of recycling, how we can conserve energy, and the importance of doing what we can to reduce our carbon footprint.

Since my kids are all pretty little, this can occasionally be a challenge. I was happy, however, recently when they asked to plant trees after seeing The Lorax. It was great to see them take away a positive message from the film because we had a different result after watching the popular Disney movie, WALL-E, when my then three year old son said that he, “wanted to hurry up and cover the Earth in trash so we could blast off in rockets and live in outer space with robots.”

*Sigh*

Kids can be so literal sometimes. So I try to get literal with my message of going GREEN.

Of course this suit offers multiple uses and can be worn with just about anything, anywhere:

After my last post, showing off my super pale skin in an actual bathing suit (which proves I officially have no shame left), an outfit like this helps prevent sun damage and sunburns. It’s got 10,000% UV protection, plus I think I sweat off about 10lbs when I was wearing it (#winning).

Anyway, in honor of Earth Day, I’m recycling these Green Mom photos which, if you’ve been following me a while, may look familiar.

If you want to learn more about Earth Day activities, and want to help make a difference, check out Earth Day Network for some great ideas. You don’t even need a green man (Mom) suit to do it!

Who wore it best?

Posted by Domestic Diva at 8:24 pm Uncategorized

Apr 152012

Who wore it best?

Have you seen this segment in Us Magazine? They take photos of two celebrities, wearing the same or virtually the same outfit, and then give a description of accessories, dates, exact makers of the apparel, etc.

You, the reader, can then vote on which celeb wore it best.

For example, here’s one pitting sister against sister last summer with Kim and Kloe Kardashian.

Who wore it best? Image from US Weekly.

Now, I am by no means a celebrity, but I did recently come across a famous star wearing virtually the same bathing suit that I wore last summer.

Since I’m not usually up to speed on the latest fashion trends, I was a little surprised to see such a popular celebrity looking so much like… me.

Back to the swimsuit-

The color might have been a little different…

The straps may not have been worn the same…

And one of us might be a little hairier…

But when I put our photos side by side, I couldn’t help but think, “Who wore it best?”

So there you have it.

I used to have a figure like an hour glass….

Now I have a figure like Zach Galifianakis.

(Photo credit: Zach Galifianakis Vanity Fair Swimsuit Calendar)

I’m almost afraid to ask you to tell me what you think, but feel free to leave me a comment below.

And Tuesday, April 17th from 12pm-1pm PST you can chat with me live on Circle of Moms Facebook page for their first ever live chat hosted by me! Chat with me live about keeping a sense of humor throughout the day to day stresses of motherhood (spoiler alert, it helps that I’m already crazy). Giveaways throughout the hour for participating too, so please come join me! Find out the details here!

#describeyourbodyafterkidswithamovietitle

Posted by Domestic Diva at 8:54 pm Uncategorized

Feb 162012

Do you Twitter? I try, but I’m truly horrible at keeping up with it. I’ve always been more of a Facebook kind of girl. Recently though, one of Twitter’s trending topics has made it’s way around the social media circuit. I started seeing Facebook updates and articles in popular online magazines for the TTT (Twitter Trending Topic) #describeyourlovelifewithamovietitle. Then, as Valentine’s Day approached there was the popular #describeyoursexlifewithamovietitle. Some of the responses were really clever and funny, and I wondered what we could do to keep this rolling.

So sticking with the movie title theme, can you describe your body after kids with a movie title? Oops, I mean #describeyourbodyafterkidswithamovietitle. Here are a few that describe my body after having three kids:

Remains of the Day #describeyourbodyafterkidswithamovietitle

Gone with the Wind #describeyourbodyafterkidswithamovietitle

Super Size Me #describeyourbodyafterkidswithamovietitle

Flubber #describeyourbodyafterkidswithamovietitle

Big #describeyourbodyafterkidswithamovietitle

The Blob #describeyourbodyafterkidswithamovietitle

Collateral Damage #describeyourbodyafterkidswithamovietitle

The Descent #describeyourbodyafterkidswithamovietitle

Jurrasic Park #describeyourbodyafterkidswithamovietitle

Porky’s #describeyourbodyafterkidswithamovietitle

Leave me a comment below or tag me on Twitter @NoDomesticDiva with your #describeyourbodyafterkidswithamovietitle (and if anyone says “The Firm” I’m going to slap you in the face with a cheeseburger).

And while you’re here, please give me a vote on Top Mommy Blogs with one click of the box below. Just one click is all it takes! Thank you!

5 Tips to Avoid ‘Contagion’

Posted by Domestic Diva at 10:56 pm Uncategorized

Jan 252012

My kids have all taken turns sharing a respiratory funk over the last few weeks that I was lucky enough to catch as well. Of course that’s what happens when a sick toddler tries to put one of her boogers in your nose.

I was down and out for most of last week, and I swear I looked like Gweneth Paltrow in Contagion.

Someone said, ‘at least you can pull off Gweneth Paltrow,’ which let me know they obviously hadn’t seen the movie.

Now that we’re right in the peak of cold and flu season, most of us have fallen ill at least once thanks to a nasty virus or bacteria. I’m certainly not alone there.

While at the doctor’s office last week, I was amused by a poster for ‘Avoiding the Flu’ which featured helpful tips for staying well. Posters of this nature do offer some sound advice, but when you have small children, you really need to be very specific when trying to teach them these wellness tips. As a parent, you may also find that these suggestions may need to be tailored to suit your own needs.

General Tip #1: Wash your hands frequently, especially before preparing or eating food.

Specific Kid’s Tip #1: Not all water is the same. When your older brother is at the sink, it is best to wait your turn instead of soaping up your hands and rinsing them in the toilet.

General Tip #2: Most cold and flu germs enter your body through your mouth, nose or eyes. Therefore keep your hands off your face which should help prevent germs from entering your system.

Specific Kid’s Tip #2: Having your sibling pick your booger for you will prevent germs from spreading from your finger into your nose; however, it will not prevent your sibling’s germs from entering your system. Please use a tissue in this instance.

General Tip # 3: Get a flu shot if your doctor recommends it. Although it isn’t a guarantee, getting a flu shot each year is one of the best ways to prevent the flu.

Specific Kid’s Tip #3: While you are waiting to get your flu shot at the doctor’s office, try not to catch the flu by licking the glass door which is covered in flu-ridden fingerprints. This defeats the purpose of our visit.

General Tip #4: Eat healthy! Foods like fruits and vegetables that are rich in antioxidants can help strengthen your immune system to keep you healthier.

Specific Kid’s Tip #4: Just because the United States Congress said pizza is a vegetable, doesn’t make it true. Fruit snacks don’t count either. Eat your damn green beans.

General Tip #5: Get plenty of sleep! Sufficient rest also helps the body function properly, and being well rested will further aid in your body being able to fight off illnesses.

Specific Kid’s Tip #5: Go the f@ck to sleep!

There was also a suggestion to avoid sick people. I suppose this means I either need to start home schooling or find bubbles for my kids to wear to school. It is probably also going to further limit my already limited social calendar.

And if you’re a parent who catches a funk that your carrier monkeys brought home, remember, you get no sick time. So rest when you can (turn on the babysitter-aka tv), drink lots of fluids (wine is a fluid, right?), and don’t worry about the laundry, dishes, etc. They aren’t going anywhere!

What are your secrets for staying well? Leave me a comment! And while you’re here, give me a quick vote on Top Mommy Blogs by clicking the banner below! Thanks for your help!
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Just Say ‘No’

Posted by Domestic Diva at 6:49 pm Uncategorized

Jan 232012

I just can’t stay away…not this time of year. It’s not that I don’t want to quit, because I do. But it has its hooks in me, and I just can’t free myself.

Sometimes I can goes days, weeks, maybe even a month without it, and BAM! Out of no where I’m sucked right back in. It seems like the smallest problem can set it off, and I know I can handle it! Why do I fall right back to using? I know I can deal with this without it.

I’m educated.

I’m fairly smart.

I’ve even had a fair amount of real life experience.

I don’t need this to make me better.

It only makes me worse.

That’s right. My name is Susan and I’m addicted to WebMD.

Please watch my video, WebMD: Just Say ‘No,’ and share it with anyone who you know that can’t stop self diagnosing themselves with one of the most ridiculous tools on the web.

I’m happy to say that I have been WebMD free for nearly four days. I have high hopes that this time I’m off the site for good, but in reality, it’s probably just a matter of time.

Do you use WebMD? Have you ever used WebMD and convinced yourself you had something that was way worse than what you actually had? Leave me a comment! While you’re here, please give me a vote on Top Mommy Blogs just by clicking the picture below! That’s all it takes!
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Get that boy some coffee

Posted by Domestic Diva at 8:42 pm Uncategorized

Dec 222011

There are several traits I always hoped that I would not pass on to my children. Some are physical characteristics, some medical ailments, and others that are just parts of my character. As any parent would probably tell you, I hope that it’s the best of me that passes to my children, and that the bad would somehow end with me.

For example:

My hair.

“Sweet infant Christ,” I would pray, “in your mercy and love, hear and answer me. Please spare my unborn infant from the constant sorrow and debilitating nature of my cursed curly head. I pray you might intercede and bless my baby with straight, natural hair. Amen.”

My wheat intolerance/Celiac’s/general irritable stomach issues.

I’ve been allergic, or intolerant, to wheat for the last nine years. I’ve spent nearly a decade learning, often the hard way, to read labels, ask about ingredients, and pass up on dishes that I once loved. Thankfully, my kids were not born with any food allergies, and I hope they don’t inherit my late-onset digestive woes.

My inability to fully awaken and function like a normal human being prior to 10am.

I’ve always been more of a night person, and as most parents will tell you, sleep is probably the first thing you lose once you have kids. I’m able to get by most mornings now that I’ve had six + years to adjust, and I can even complete the necessary tasks like dressing myself and my offspring, feeding them breakfast, and dropping off Joey at school. I drink 1-2 cups of coffee, but even with the caffeine, I don’t usually feel much like myself until around 10am. By no stretch of the imagination am I a morning person.

Neither is my son Joey.

Since Joey was a baby he wanted to be up later at night and would always, given the opportunity, sleep later into the morning. With school, my biggest problem has always been getting Joey to fall asleep at night and get him to wake up and actually get out of bed in the morning. Every morning I make him stand up before I leave the room when I’m trying to end his slumber. This gives me better odds that when I come back in five minutes to get him breakfast, he won’t be sleeping again.

Since Joey is six, I let him choose his own clothes the night before and I lay them out for him to get dressed in the morning. Today is his Christmas party and sing along, so I had him choose from one of his button down oxford shirts to wear to school. In his defense, he typically only wears shirts like this for pictures, parties and holidays, so maybe that’s why he got confused. Although, I think it’s more likely that he’s got his Mom’s mental capacity in the morning, and the poor kid just needs some more sleep. Check out how Joey dressed himself and showed up for breakfast:

Still sleeping...?

When I told him he had his undershirt over his oxford, he looked at me and said "I don't know WHAT you're talking about, Mom." Like there was something wrong with me. I love his expression here too. It says, "Yeah, it's how I roll, Mom."

Can anybody tell me when I can start giving this poor kid some coffee??

While you’re here, leave me a comment and take a quick second and vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs with just one click of the banner below.
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I used to have nice things…then I had children

Posted by Domestic Diva at 4:22 pm Uncategorized

Dec 212011

I used to have nice things…then I had children.

I change my decorations seasonally, but I have the most Christmas decorations by far. It’s also my favorite time of year to decorate. Coincidentally, it’s my children’s favorite time of year to mess with my stuff.

I learned a long time ago, not long after my oldest child began walking, that if I had something nice, something that was worth keeping nice, it had better be out of reach. This keeps my stuff -and my sanity- intact.

I have a few pieces that are expensive and a couple others that have been passed down and carry a lot of sentimental value. Those items are visible but only behind locked cabinets. Maybe one day they’ll make it to a more prominent location, but for now, that’s where they are safest.

My kids love to help me decorate, and especially at Christmas, I let them help as much as they can. They also love to un-decorate, to move my decor around, oh, and they especially enjoy using my decorations to change up their play time. Their favorite toys, by far, are the play sets they have, but playing with the same castle/fort/hero’s hub day after day can get old. When that happens they like to incorporate the decorations into play time.

Here are just a few example of Christmas decorations turned play-things:

A scene from Toy Story 4? No one seems to hear me when I say, this is Mommy’s Italian No-Touch Nativity (and by Italian, I mean expensive) Set

Did I mention my kids have their own Nativity that my Aunt bought them from Hallmark? Well, they do, but there’s been some not so normal nativity nonsense afoot at the old stable. Baby Jesus seems to be in peril, but thank God Joseph is a good Dad and is battling the great white shark trying to eat the poor helpless Christ Child. Tigress from Kung Fu Panda has also put herself in harm’s way to protect our newborn savior, and someone called the cops. Not sure who’s side the robot is on, but it’s probably best to stay back and wait until law enforcement works this mess out.

I noticed that there was a huge gap in the front Christmas tree where several branches were pressed down. As I approached I heard a noise too. Squirrel?? No, someone had just placed a remote controlled tarantula in the middle of the tree. Given the height of the spider in the tree, I’m guessing this was one of the boys, but I’m not ruling out Cecilia throwing it in there either.

I’ve found things down in my hurricane glasses often enough that I always pick up the candles and look inside before lighting them. Sometimes it’s an army man or two, maybe a couple of crayons, or a Happy Meal toy, and not as obvious as the deep-sea shit our friend Diver Dan is in at the moment. A lit candle would be the least of this guy’s problems right now.

Nothing says, ‘Season’s Greetings’ or ‘Welcome’ like a live door wreath infested with Velociraptors.

Really, this year, I’m counting my seasonal blessings. With a new puppy and a 2, 4, and 6 year old we’ve only lost about four tree ornaments, the train for under the tree was broken, and one piece of a collectable house. A Christmas Miracle? Maybe…

What items, Holiday or otherwise, do your kids like to mess with constantly? Have you lost any household items to play? Leave me a comment!

While you’re here, leave me a comment and take a quick second and vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs with just one click of the banner below.
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Older Entries

Well that sucks

Moms just want to have fun

10 Terribly Bad Mother’s Day Gifts

10 Terribly Bad Mother’s Day Gifts:

Earth Day 2012

Who wore it best?

5 Tips to Avoid ‘Contagion’

Just Say ‘No’

Get that boy some coffee

I used to have nice things…then I had children

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Twitter: @NoDomesticDiva