Parents often document their child’s first year in a baby book/calendar and some even record the child’s milestones through early adolescence.  Each of my own children has a “First Five Years” book that catalogs all the milestones that happen from birth through Kindergarten.  The beginning of each book is full of spaces and pages for the multitude of developmental hurdles that babies experience in the first twelve months or so of life like rolling over, crawling, walking, and first words. Years two through five contain a few less pages, however, there is one page that appears for each year that has a survey for the parent to complete detailing the child’s “favorites” for that particular year.  Here is what I plan on filling in for Joey (age 5) this year:

1. Favorite Food: Pizza, chicken (only in nugget form), & pancakes
2. Favorite Book: Classic Curious George Stories, Where the Wild Things Are, First Encyclopedias (Sharks & Dinosaurs)
3. Favorite TV Show: Tom & Jerry, Curious George, Dino Dan, and any National Geographic Nature shows
4. Favorite Movie: Where the Wild Things Are, Up, Wall-E
5. Favorite Toy: Leapster
   
6. Favorite Game: Anything outdoors, Toy Story on Wii
   
7. Hobbies: Becoming an “Explorer; Using public toilets, and Embarrassing my Mom whenever she takes me out in public
   

Case in point, today, as with many days before, taking Joey out into the world proves to be an embarrassing task that leaves me with a certainty this child lives to humiliate me whenever possible.

Jake and I picked up Joey from school this morning for a quick trip to the doctor’s office for flu shots, and upon arrival, we saw another boy from Joey’s class with his brother and Mom also waiting for their flu shots.  As I tried to calm Joey, who was now super excited to see a friend, I also tried to check in with Jake clinging to my leg.  Jake, who was very upset to be at the doctor’s office for any reason, whimpered a bit and I hurried through the ridiculously long check-in process showing my photo id, insurance card, co-pays, w-2′s, copy of my and their birth certificates, and a copy of my deed for my house.  Okay, it’s not quite that ridiculous, but it’s much longer than necessary (thanks HIPA).  Anyway, Joeys’ friend asked Jake if he liked the Phillies since he was sporting a hat and jacket with their logo.  Joey chimed in that they love the Phillies and the Wilmington Blue Rocks (Delaware’s  minor league baseball team).  I added that the boys got to a few Blue Rock’s games, but we never made it up to Philadelphia for a Phillies game this year. Joey then exclaims, “I loooooved the Blue Rocks games!  I saw the baseball team and ate ice cream and I went to the bathroom at least two times at the last game.  One time I peed in the bathroom and the other time I went back and I peed again but I got poop in there too.”

This other mother was laughing quietly while the receptionist was hysterical.  I then explained that a year ago Joey would not use any public restroom and now everywhere we go that there is a bathroom, he needs to go and at least pee.  Public bathrooms are a big deal now for some reason.  I also added that I can no longer take him in public without this kind of random embarrassing banter.  This kid’s sole purpose in life seems to be to embarrass me…or at the very least it’s a hobby of his.  I suppose that Joey talking about his own pooping escapades is better than him talking about stranger’s weight, handicaps, or skin color.

That’s okay though.  I’m saving all the embarrassing photos and videos in a special file just waiting for the first time he brings a girl home.  Payback is a bitch…or at least it will be!

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