The good news is that my gray hairs are gone. The bad news is my hair is so dark, which by the way makes my skin look twice as pale, that I look like I should be on my way to a Marilyn Manson concert. Pass me my dog collar and black lipstick and I’ll be ready to rock. Not that there is anything wrong with that, to each his own; however, it was not the look I was going for…
Apparently, Clairol’s Natural Instinct’s Nutmeg (dark brown) actually means jet black. My hair, in its natural state now for two years, is very dark on it’s own. My only goal in coloring my hair was to cover the gray hairs, and I really wanted to stay as close as possible to my natural color. I followed the instructions on the box and even did a strand test. Apparently every other hair on my head was different from the one I tested.
Additionally, I feel like I’m experiencing some overall body hair metamorphosis. Aside from the gray and the normal frizzy fro-ish mess that is my hair, I have also been growing a new row of hair at my hairline. It started after I stopped nursing and I began noticing wispy little curls along my hairline. No matter what I did they stuck straight up for a while, and now that 8 months has past they are longer and I feel like I’m growing out bangs. My complaints around the house fall on deaf ears, and my husband just tells me to stop whining since his hairline is shrinking.
My hair issues aren’t reserved for the top of my head either; this summer I had to start shaving three hairs growing in on each of my big toes. WTF? I also was disappointed to realize that I needed to shave above the knee just as often as below the knee. I quickly grabbed a cover up one day on the beach after glancing down at the beads of water glistening off of my fine upper legs hairs. That’s hot.
Back to my face where my real frustration lies. You’ve heard me complain about Tom Selleck a million times, but I still have not found a solution. Bleaching still leave a mustache, just a lighter one. Waxing hurts and leaves a red bumpy mustache of pain behind for at least four hours, and obviously shaving would be a bad idea. When I hit the lottery my first order of business will be laser hair removal.
My eyebrows are another story. Is it normal to have a five o’clock (eyebrow) shadow? I could pluck in the morning and by bedtime need to repeat the process. WTF? I tried waxing once and lost half an eyebrow and I nearly burned my eyeball, so that’s out. Maybe the laser is the way to go here as well?
What’s to blame for this hairy mess? I’ve only just turned 32 as of last month, so could it really be my age? Is it from having three kids? Do I have some sort of hormonal imbalance? Is my Italian heritage the root of the problem? Try googling this shit too. You’ll get nothing. Not that I blame women for not sharing their stories of hairy toes, mustaches and unusual five o’clock shadows with the world wide web. Someone needs to write a “Girlfriends Guide to Aging” similar to the pregnancy books that are out there.
So instead of feeling like a domestic diva today, I feel like a gothic, hairy, stubbly, old mess.