The truth hurts. This is especially try when the truths I speak of are about what my body is now like after three kids and rapidly closing in on my 33rd birthday. Sure I could exercise, but I could also just as easily sit on my couch whining about my girth while shoveling down a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. In most cases you get out of it what you give, and I’m okay with where I’m at…that doesn’t mean I don’t have a whole lot of room for improvement, or that I can ignore the truth about what’s happened to my body.
Here are some of my inevitable body truths as they stand today:
- No matter how hard you try, you cannot suck in “back fat”
- Driving in the car with the windows down and my arm up may result in severe under arm skin flapping (similar to that of a large gummed dog with his head out the window of a moving car).
- My boobs look like they belong in National Geographic.
- Due to the sheer size of my thighs, running in corduroy pants is not advised. This may result in sparking and unintentional fires.
- Muffin Top. Get used to it.
- Forget college funds, I need to start putting money into a Laser Hair Removal Fund. Either that or begin tweezing my eyebrows twice a day and hope that Tom Selleck Mustaches come into fashion soon…for women.
- I wish I could go back in time and kick my twenty year old self right out of the tanning bed. Instead I’m left applying creams, doing facial exercises, and considering pawning some jewelry to pay for Botox.
- With my hair’s natural tendency to form an afro, and now the number of gray hairs sprouting up, I am beginning to resemble Don King from a distance.
- Many areas now have the consistency of Jell-O
- Due to fat deposits, cellulite, and some random broken veins, shorts have been removed from my wardrobe. Capri or cropped pants are now a more flattering choice of attire, and they also do not tend to give me a front wedgie which forms when my thighs try to swallow the front of my shorts.
- Laughing, coughing or sneezing may result in peeing your pants
Have you noticed any changes since getting older and/or having kids? What inevitable truths are you living with? Leave me a comment!