Gift giving isn’t as simple as it might seem. In fact, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all of my Bad Gift Guides over the last few years, it’s that people give some really, really terrible presents that probably don’t accurately reflect how they really feel.
So take heed, lovers!
These are ten gifts that you don’t want to give (or receive) this Valentine’s Day:
1. Pearl Necklace – Who wouldn’t want a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day? Well, you might want to pass on this one; it’s the Oyster in a Can! You are sent a preserved (dead) oyster in some juice that they specifically tell you not to drink, along with an empty pendant, and once you pry the oyster open, remove the pearl, you have your own homemade necklace! All for less than $15 – so you know it must be nice!
2. Edible Meat Underwear – Yes. You read that right. Personally, I’ve never liked the idea of edible undies in any form, but regardless they seem to be a popular gift especially around Valentine’s Day. Although I do love meat, the thought of meat underwear is just about enough to turn me vegetarian. Oh, and I’m not sure of the exact price, this is a do-it-yourself project with step-by-step instructions that you can find here to make your very own Brief Jerky Meat Underwear. Warning: photos included (you don’t see any man-meat, just a man wearing meat). Special thanks to Facebook Fan Pink Britt for sending me this. No, really, Pink. Thank you 🙂
3. Cork Pants – Okay, part of me is totally impressed, I admit it. These are homemade wine cork pants with matching shoes and some sort of eyeball painted on the seat of the pants. Just remember ladies, using my Christmas Guide and the hand knit man-pants as an example, just because you can craft something, doesn’t mean that you should. The drinking of the wine to collect the corks for this might be the only upside to this project/gift.
4. Porn for Women (Book) – This clever book portrays attractive men in irresistible positions (like vacuuming) with sexy captions such as “When I’m done doing the laundry, I’m going to take the kids with me to the grocery store so you can relax.” Don’t go and buy Porn for Women as a Valentine’s Day Gift for your ladies; no, you should use it as a guide to what women really want and put it to practical use, and I promise you won’t be disappointed. See also Porn for New Moms.
5. The Anti-Wrinkle Bra – At first glance this bra may look like a piece of odd lingerie, but it actually serves a purpose. The Anti-Wrinkle Bra will keep your cleavage looking smooth and attractive, and will help fight vertical boob wrinkles that are a total turn off to anyone who has the unfortunate experience of looking at your wrinkled rack. Seriously, don’t buy this for any woman ever – especially not for Valentine’s Day unless you’re looking for a break-up.
6. Solid Gold Peacocking – You may have heard the phrase dress to impress, but this guy might be taking things a little too far. In an effort to attract women in his town, he commissioned this custom made shirt of gold in the ultimate show of peacocking. Although there are varying reports about how much the glittery garment cost to make, estimates were at least $20,000. In my opinion if you really want to impress a woman, you buy HER the jewelry…
7. Her Funeral – What better way to show her how much you love her than by planning her funeral…for Valentine’s Day. A bold move for most men – careful – this might turn into your funeral.
8. The ‘Hug Me!’ Jacket – Is your Valentine the type of person who needs constant attention and affection? Does it make you sad that when you’re apart you can’t just hug them whenever they might need it? Well, with the Hug Me Jacket your loved one can feel warm and embraced even when you aren’t there to do it…or perhaps they might feel totally terrified in this literal coat of arms. Special thanks to my friend Faith from the adorable Sweet Birdie Boutique who saw this appalling apparel and thought of me!
9. SPANX Higher Power High Waisted Power Panties – I have mixed emotions when it comes to SPANX, but I can say, without a doubt that I would not be happy receiving any of their miracle slimming products as a gift for Valentine’s Day. If you want to buy an undergarment, don’t go with one that advertises a slimming effect. You might as well buy her a scale.
10. How to Be a Better Wife to Your Husband or Your Partner & Strengthen Your Bond While Deepening Your Love: Learn How You Can Be a Better Wife Quickly & Easily & Be the Spouse They Really Want You to Be – No explanation necessary (I hope).
What do you think? Would you give or like to receive any of the gifts on this year’s list? Leave me a comment and let me know!
Still need some more ideas, check out some of my previous bad gift guides here: