I am not a morning person.

I have never been a morning person.

However, it has been suggested recently (and I’ll get to this in a moment) that if I tried a little harder, I could be a morning person.

If you were to ask me what I think about morning people, particularly before I’ve fully awoken for the day, I’d likely tell you how much they annoy me. This doesn’t mean I don’t love or care for some of these people, but when they’re bouncing around shooting rays of sunshine from their asses and talking out of their faceholes while I’m simply trying to drink my coffee and adjust to the day, they annoy me.

I don’t blame them for being who they are, just like I don’t blame myself for being agitated with them.

I even married a morning person, who in addition to toting an obnoxious rise and shine attitude that begins as soon as he opens his eyelids, also doesn’t even drink coffee or any other caffeinated beverage in order to obtain this persona.

I also maintain friendships with morning people, one of whom recently suggested that she wasn’t always such a happy riser and that she had to trick herself into enjoying the early parts of her day. She and I talked recently about this over coffee one morning, well she talked and I skeptically listened.

Honestly, I can’t imagine the whole ‘fake it ’til you make it’ applying to what boils down to my personality (not at this late stage in the game anyway), but I did think of a handful of things that might aid me in becoming more of a morning person…or less of an anti-morning person, perhaps:

1. Catch Up on Lost Sleep – I have three kids and I’ve been a Mom for eleven and a half years. So it goes without saying that I’ve lost quite a bit of sleep. It’s my opinion that all those hours of lost sleep add up and continue to work against me. Without making up for lost sleep, through longer night’s rests or naps during the day, I’ll never stand a chance at being a morning person. Now, my husband disagrees and says there’s no bank of lost sleep hours that works against a person, but I think I’ve already established that he’s a freak of nature so we’ll assume I’m correct. Given I’ve got over a decade of disturbed slumber, I’m thinking I might just want to hibernate for a few months before moving to Step 2.
2. Pre-Caffeinate – Assuming I’ve caught up on all my sleep, the next step would be some pre-caffeination before I wake up in the morning. I’m thinking a nurse could deliver a coffee IV drip before my alarm goes off, so when I actually wake up, there’s already caffeine coursing through my bloodstream.
3. Waking without Alarm – There’s nothing worse than being awoken by a buzzing alarm clock – well, maybe the sound of a kid getting sick – but I mean there’s nothing worse than having a machine wake me for the day. In order to become a morning person, mornings might have to start happening a little later than normal because my body needs to wake up naturally. I’ve had days where I’ve woken up before my alarm has gone off, and I’ve felt well rested and happier than if I had slept another hour. I just need to
4. Quiet Time – I feel most optimistic in the morning when it’s quiet. Perhaps that’s because in the safety of silence I’m not being bombarded with things ranging from impending school projects that will require hours of work and lots of supplies that “Oops! I forgot to tell you about it and it’s due tomorrow,” requests for dinner (I mean, come on! Just eat your damn breakfast!), or intervening with ridiculous arguments like, “Tell him to not breathe in my direction!” or “Tell her not to look at me while she’s chewing!” So to ensure I’m able to become the morning person some people think I may be, I’ll need total silence.
5. More Coffee – This goes without saying, but we’re going to need to make sure there’s an adequate amount of coffee to help me adjust my personality and how I perceive the personalities of all the people who are around me before noon.
6. Not Telling Me I’m Not a Morning Person – When I’m trying to shake off my slumber, if I seem to be slow to adjusting to the day, it’s best not to remind me that I’m not a morning person. I know this already. You know this already. Just shhhhhhhhhhhh and let me wake up. Nothing will make me less of a morning person than being told I’m not a morning person.
7. Make Mornings Begin Later – Ideally, if we could start the day a little later, say 9:30 or 10:00am, that would help tremendously.
8. No More Springing Forward/Falling Back – Daylight Saving Time has got to go. For real. Springing forward is an obvious bain to my existence as it’s taking an hour away, but even when we fall back it still sucks. A couple weeks ago that just meant I was getting up at 5:30am with my kids instead of 6:30am. Until I get to decide how I spend that extra hour, I’m not interested in continuing this worthless, disruptive nuisance.

So that’s my list of demands things that might help me become more of a morning person. I’m totally willing to try, if everyone who might come into contact with me in the mornings also agrees to the above.

Even if I can get the rest of the world to commit, I’m not entirely hopeful that I can change who I am, but I’m willing to make an attempt. Here’s an actual picture of me trying my best at being a Morning Person:

 

Are you a morning person? Have you always been a morning person? If not leave me some tips on how I can rise and shine with a bit more pep.

Hey, before you go be sure to enter my BIG, Bad Gift Giveaway! I’m giving away a bunch of funny gifts in just a couple weeks. Plenty of time for you to enjoy them for yourself or to regift this holiday season! Open to any reader worldwide, one grand prize winner and five runner ups!

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