On Monday I found myself standing next to my SUV, wearing yoga pants (that have never been to an actual yoga class) while sporting a messy ponytail and writing out a check to a tow truck driver using a Crayola Marker because it was the only writing utensil I had in my purse. I of course had to put down my coffee and dig through crumbled goldfish crackers to find the marker, and as I stood there worrying about making it to the carpool line to pick up my kids later that day I thought, this is so Mom of me.
Not that being a mother had anything to do with my problematic Volvo – apparently they just don’t make them like they used to – but the fact that I’m driving a Volvo, sporting my Mom-iform, writing out a check using a magic marker that I found under a pile of kid-crackers all while worrying about school pickup was so Mom-ish.
Maybe I shouldn’t have even given this situation a second thought, but honestly, part of me lives under the delusion that if you had never seen me before, you wouldn’t know that I was a Mom just by looking at me.
You know, because I look so regular. So normal.
The logical part of my brain knows that I probably give myself away all the time though –
Here’s 15 things that I do that really are so Mom of me:
1. I cross my legs every single time I sneeze.
2. I’ve danced down an aisle in Target to get someone to stop crying.
3. I consider cold tater tots and a glass of pinot grigio a pretty solid dinner.
4. The most bad ass thing I’ve done in the last decade was to walk across a bed of…Legos.
5. I invented a Christmas Troll because I felt like an imaginary elf wasn’t doing his job.
6. I’ve bribed someone to poop on the toilet.
7. I’ve told someone not to pick their sibling’s nose even if they pick their’s first.
8. I’ve been awoken by the warm, wet feeling of being soaked in another person’s pee.
9. Had a story published in a best-selling book about my vagina
.
10. I’ve peed my pants on a trampoline.
11. I’ve showcased penis art drawn with window crayons on my front door.
12. I’ve caught someone’s puke in my bare hands… IN MY BARE HANDS!
13. I’ve cleaned jelly off a ceiling…more than once.
14. I’ve picked up a turd off the floor thinking it was a raisin…more than once.
15. I’ve sniffed someone’s rear end in public to see if they needed to be changed and haven’t thought twice about it.
So who am I kidding? I might as well get a stick family tattooed on my forehead because I’m not fooling anyone. No one is looking at me doing any of these things and thinking I’m anything other than a Mom which is fine because that is who I am after all.
What do you do that’s so Mom of you? Are you driving to soccer practice in your new minivan while wearing Mom jeans? Come on, leave me a comment and let me know I’m not alone!
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